Breaking Up in Thailand

[NCC1701A]

The sad thing is you will never find a girl that loves you as much as she does.

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Totally silly thing to post.

More objectively - only very slightly possibly true.

Disney myth of "the one and only soulmate", total <deleted> IMO. . .

They are not soul mates or they would not be having these problems. Only Thomas will know as time passes if he can find a woman who loves him as much as this woman does. The answer is most likely no.

[NCC1701A]

The sad thing is you will never find a girl that loves you as much as she does.

did you just watch out of africa ??

Great soundtrack.

[boosta]

These are good salaries by western standards and by Thai standards they would definitely be considered "wealthy".

Not all oil rig workers are roughnecks scrubbing decks and chipping paint.

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By average Thai standards - which means third-world poor maybe, but even motorcycle taxi drivers make a distinction between true wealth - income comes from assets not labor - and making a decent salary.

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Agree. When he said "wealthy," I assumed wealthy family, own business, etc., i.e., every Thai girl's wet dream. Rich Thai dudes don't work on oil rigs unless their family owns it.

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Wealthy Thai families don't own oil rigs, they don't have an entrepreneurial wildcatting market like Texas.

They own oil-industry companies, most likely at this point just "stock in" and have little to do with day-to-day running of the actual hardware assets, they'd be working in air-conditioned offices.

And no way their kids have to "work their way up from the bottom" - at that level, most of them never have to work at all, usually get slotted into top management from the start, apprenticeship with the elders, or just as often end up dilettantes in the arts or some other respectable hobby and spend their time partying and hanging out with their hi-so friends playing with their barely charred Lamborghini.

Edited June 20, 2013 by boosta

[phantomfiddler]

It,s all very simple, worked for me on numerous occasions over the last 30+ years. Just tell her that you have run out of money and don,t be standing between her and the door when you tell her !

[boosta]

conclusion after 231 comments:

1. short-time: no problem

2. long-time: no problem

3. no-time: no problem

4. relationship with isaan woman 15-35 years younger than u are: no problem - she even cuts your (ingrown) toenails with pleasure - as long as u pay all bills, buy/build a new house, take care of family. all the rest she doesn't care AKA "up to u" until she gets fed up and throws u out.

5. relationship with hot & intelligent hi-so thai girl: never heard of, anyone ?

6. relationship with middle-class girl of about the same age: problem

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These kinds of categories are only useful for "narrowing the odds" when creating your target profile if you want to play the game that way.

Within each category will be the full range of experiences good and bad, no guarantees at all from any sort of "rules".

The problem here comes from the type of RELATIONSHIP, not the type of GIRL.

If a girl isn't requiring relatively immediate liquid compensation for her favors, then either you are a young and hansum boy-toy (lucky you!) or she is looking for a serious long-term relationship which to her is already a marriage, regardless of legal paperwork or religious ceremony.

If you are aware of this and consciously take advantage of the cultural difference, many will say you are cheating her just as much as scamming TGs who are cheating the guys sending them money from overseas.

Bottom line is Thais don't think girls "giving it away for free" are any better than a pro, in fact 99% of the time they'll consider her much more despicable and 89% will say she's being a stupid sex addict.

"Free love" as a western value is not respected by even the most modern free-thinking Thai, it's OK for men in traditional Thai culture but never for women.

[boosta]

They are not soul mates or they would not be having these problems. Only Thomas will know as time passes if he can find a woman who loves him as much as this woman does. The answer is most likely no.

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Like I said, very silly post.

The whole idea of a "soul mate" is as much a myth as Pee Bawp.

And how do YOU even know her love is genuine at all?

A wise man wrote "Love is as love does", and what goes around comes around.

For some people it may only come a small number of times, but to me that's just a sign they're not doing it right.

[NCC1701A]

It is obvious by her behavior.

They are not soul mates or they would not be having these problems. Only Thomas will know as time passes if he can find a woman who loves him as much as this woman does. The answer is most likely no.

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Like I said, very silly post.

The whole idea of a "soul mate" is as much a myth as Pee Bawp.

And how do YOU even know her love is genuine at all?

A wise man wrote "Love is as love does", and what goes around comes around.

For some people it may only come a small number of times, but to me that's just a sign they're not doing it right.

It is obvious by her behavior. As I said only Thomas will know in time. "What goes around comes around"? What unseen power do you speak of? Next you will be talking about soul mates and astrology.

Edited June 20, 2013 by NCC1701A

[Eesat]

They are not soul mates or they would not be having these problems. Only Thomas will know as time passes if he can find a woman who loves him as much as this woman does. The answer is most likely no.

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Like I said, very silly post.

The whole idea of a "soul mate" is as much a myth as Pee Bawp.

And how do YOU even know her love is genuine at all?

A wise man wrote "Love is as love does", and what goes around comes around.

For some people it may only come a small number of times, but to me that's just a sign they're not doing it right.

"A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her." ~ Oscar Wilde

[KuhnPaen]

Name a girl anywhere on the planet that likes to get dumped?

Not just a Thai thing my friend.

[HAL9000]

Obviously she's hurt. When I have heard from friends that they have been similarly verbally assaulted, my recommended response has been:

"It would appear if you really believe that I am typical (of farang) then am I not doing you a favor by leaving you? Certainly you believe you are entitled to so much more from a man than a 'farang' is capable of providing. Therefore perhaps you best limit your romantic pursuits in the future to Thai men."

In similar logic to a different complaint, I told my wife that I don't need to be with a wife who does not think highly of me, and that she deserved a good husband. It didn't help though.

[HAL9000]

I'm not saying this is cold Thai gold-digger "bad", it's just the normal calculations that 99.99% of women do world-wide in choosing a mate, but in the Disney-brainwashed "Love" culture of the West, girls keep the financial part of it much more hidden.

This is a generalization too because I know plenty of women in the US who are turned off by women who let money influence their choice of a mate.

[NCC1701A]

Yes, Thai women are WOMEN. Yes, they have a very different expectation. A 33 year old man who is a teacher living in Thailand should know what it means to have sex with a middle class "good" Thai woman. I had girlfriends in high school in the U.S. who wanted to get married and thought in those terms. Why is it different here? If you are lucky enough to find a woman who just wants to have sex with you, go for it. Otherwise, all men know what women are looking for. Just look at any online dating site. "I want man to marry and to be with forever."

Her heart is broken now. Her rage is in direct proportion to her love.

[boosta]

It is obvious by her behavior.

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Not at all, exactly the same behavior can be observed used as conscious emotional blackmail tactics by scammers just trying to squeeze the last bit of dosh out of their foolish marks.

And plenty of grey areas in between, people everywhere can convince themselves of anything to justify getting what they want, no way to tell what's real until the dust has settled years after the fact, both have other SOs and enough money, still maintaining good relations. Then it was real.

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"What goes around comes around"? What unseen power do you speak of? Next you will be talking about soul mates and astrology.

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Don't believe in either of the latter, but do believe the former is an immutable law of the universe probably even more so than most currently posited by physics.

Certainly true in my experience in the domain of human relationships of all kinds, romance, business whatever.

And even universally, I'd live by it even if it turned out to not be "objectively" true, I just think it's a good way to live your life.

Edited June 20, 2013 by boosta

[ABCer]

Wait a minute... Being both mature people, both career people, both working, not living together, her 29, you 33, she is trying to manipulate you into doing what she wants. As you stated she kept you at a distance for a while before hopping into bed.

I think I have seen cases like this before. This type of manipulative hystrionic inadequate personality is dangerous. I wouldn't even consider seeing her after such displays. Beware! If it is not too much to ask, - are you her first man in life (at 29?)?? I am warning you, this type is capable of anything!

Irrespectively of the answer to the question, run, before real troubles come. And don't look back. Wrong type of personality. And it is absolutely not related to her being Thai. Even if you think you love her - RUN! This comes from experience...

P.S. Google "manipulative hystrionic personality disorder".

Edited June 20, 2013 by ABCer

[boosta]

This is a generalization too because I know plenty of women in the US who are turned off by women who let money influence their choice of a mate.

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You know many women who either pretend they think that, or have convinced themselves so much it only operates subconsciously.

It may be less of an influence for those who come from affluent circumstances or otherwise have no fear of the future.

I think it would be very very rare for it to be no influence at all in any society, it's hard-wired into our genetic code from long before we were homo sapiens, and since then reinforced by social programming in all cultures from birth.

Note I'm not just talking about cash wealth here, but the perceived ability to secure resources. In human society this will often include men who are skilled social negotiators or fierce warriors, various ways of being perceived as socially dominant, but in modern times it means the ability to earn and keep money. BTW that last bit being a key differentiator for "good" vs "bad" girls, the latter prefer big spenders no matter how fast they'll end up in the gutter, the former will help her man be frugal.

Unusually attractive females will be able to also value other priorities like sexual attractiveness, sense of humor, good character, but I maintain that at least a certain level of financial sustainability is a bottom-line prerequisite.

Like saying you don't let appearances affect your choices, but Quasimodo isn't getting too many dates.

Edited June 20, 2013 by boosta

[stickylies]

The problem here comes from the type of RELATIONSHIP, not the type of GIRL.

indeed and every relationship where people don't speak the same mothertongue is VERY different. why do I know? since even a relationship w/ someone who does speak the same mothertongue is already quite difficult. add to that the differences in culture and what u get is (imo) mission impossible, EXCEPT of course if u are simply looking for someone who cuts your toenails, scratches your back and washes your underpants in return for financial stability. nothing wrong with that btw, it all depends on what u call a relationship and what it is u are looking for.

[boosta]

Google "manipulative hystrionic personality disorder".

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Armchair psychoanalysis via third-hand postings in Internet forums is well, I don't know what words to use without being insulting.

Check out Janet Cauchon's "Women and Borderline Personality Disorder: Symptoms and Stories" for some background on this.

I bet women analysts slap that label on their patients a lot more sparingly than male ones.

[boosta]

The problem here comes from the type of RELATIONSHIP, not the type of GIRL.

indeed and every relationship where people don't speak the same mothertongue is VERY different. why do I know? since even a relationship w/ someone who does speak the same mothertongue is already quite difficult. add to that the differences in culture and what u get is (imo) mission impossible, EXCEPT of course if u are simply looking for someone who cuts your toenails, scratches your back and washes your underpants in return for financial stability. nothing wrong with that btw, it all depends on what u call a relationship and what it is u are looking for.

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I have a relationship with the receptionist working at my condo's front desk, the guy who delivers my water, my sister my students my dog, they are all relationships.

Otherwise you're right and that's my point. Setting realistic goals for the type of relationship you want and how you're going to get it will lead to a much more peaceful and fulfilling life than chasing unicorns.

"It is a monstrous thing, to slay a unicorn. Only one who has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, would commit such a crime. The blood of a unicorn will keep you alive, even if you are an inch from death, but at a terrible price. You have slain something pure and defenseless to save yourself, and you will have but a half-life, a cursed life, from the moment the blood touches your lips."

- Firenze, The Philosopher's Stone

[kocheedogyi]

I’ve been reading the news and browsing comments from this forum on and off for six years. Your thread and situation has motivated me to finally register and go through about six captcha’s and sit down to write this reply to you. Based on all of the comments you got some very good advice. My advice is to agree with the one’s who say “get the hell out of there in the middle of the night.” When she doesn’t suspect you’re going anywhere special, pack your stuff and get on a flight and go home before she even knows you’re gone.

I arrived in Thailand in 2006 and taught in some of the best private Thai schools. I’m a good teacher so I didn’t experience nearly the hell on earth as many, many do because I’m well trained and educated in academics and child psychology. With that said, my teaching experience was bloody hell on earth as a teacher in those schools. Yeah, you got some good experience under your belt. Go home and get another degree.

The stories I was barraged with in 2007 about ‘the thai girlfriend” scared me quite enough to never - ever - make the mistake of having a thai girlfriend. I had my share of good times and treated women quite nicely but whenever it got to the point when they wanted more I cut the rope easily and went on with my life with no bad feelings. I was always up front and even then, I had some pretty wild and crazy responses and potential nuclear nuts about to crack. Maybe I was lucky, don’t know.

But, as for the crazy stories, many of the guys in your situation end up getting hustled or scammed and screwed by a vindictive ex-girlsfriend who believes you owe her something and she will make you pay one way or another.

If you’re planning to go home, make her think you want to stay, don’t forecast your departure, don’t pack in front of her, quietly slip your stuff over to a friend's place and when you’re ready bug out like a ghost in the dark of night. Don’t have any long goodbye’s with her, don’t even say a word, just go.

There’s no predicting how she will react, what she will do, and how it could - seriously - end badly for you. It does not matter not that she’s an educated and professional woman.

In the end, you decide what to do of course. Just think of yourself, your safety, your money, and your future. Think of you, don’t think about hurting her feelings. By the time she accepts you’re leaving her, my money is on her being pissed off enough to at least consider screwing you in any way she feels is best for her.

Good luck.

Edited June 20, 2013 by kocheedogyi

[stickylies]

I have a relationship with the receptionist working at my condo's front desk, the guy who delivers my water, my sister my students my dog, they are all relationships.

sure, but they are not the "relationships" i was refering to (which was pretty clear) but i get your point of course.

ps. i don't know what your mothertongue is but mine is not EN, yet another example that not communicating in your mothertongue is not ideal/comfortable.

ps. i first thought u did have a "relationship" (of the type I was refering to) with both your receptionist and the water guy (very modern choice!). it's only when your sister and dog popped up that i understood where u were heading to ;-)

[boosta]

I first thought u did have a "relationship" (of the type I was refering to) with both your receptionist and the water guy (very modern choice!). it's only when your sister and dog popped up that i understood where u were heading to ;-)

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Exactly why I chose them and didn't include my kids.

[boosta]

I’ve been reading the news and browsing comments from this forum on and off for six years. Your thread and situation has motivated me to finally register and go through about six captcha’s and sit down to write this reply to you. Based on all of the comments you got some very good advice. My advice is to agree with the one’s who say “get the hell out of there in the middle of the night.” When she doesn’t suspect you;re going anywhere special, pack your stuff and get on a flight and go home before she even knows you’re gone.

I arrive in Thailand in 2006 and taught in some of the best private Thai schools. I’m a good teacher so I didn’t experience nearly the hell on earth as many, many do because I’m well trained and educated in academics and child psychology. With that said, my teaching experience was bloody hell on earth as a teacher in those schools. Yeah, you got some good experience under your belt. Go home and get another degree.

The stories I was barraged with in 2007 about ‘the thai girlfriend” scared me quite enough to never - ever - make the mistake of having a thai girlfriend. I had my share of good times and treated women quit nicely but whenever it got to the point when they wanted more I cut the rope easily and went on with my life with no bad feelings. I was always up front and even then, I had some pretty wild and crazy responses and potential nuclear nuts about to crack. maybe I was lucky, don’t know.

But, as for the crazy stories, many of the guys in your situation end up getting hustled or scammed and screwed by a vindictive ex-girlsfriend that believes you owe her and she will make you pay one way or another.

If you’re planning to go home, make her think you want to stay, don’t forecast your departure, don’t pack in front of her, quietly slip your stuff things over to a friend place and when you;re ready bug out like a ghost in the dark of night. Don;t have nay ling goodbye’s with her, don;t even say anything, just go.

There’s not predicting how she will react, what she will do, and how it will end badly for you. It matter’s not that she’s educated.

In the end, you decide what to do of course. Just think of yourself, your safety, your money, and your future. Think of you, don’t think about hurting her feelings. By the time she accepts you’re leaving her, my money is on her being pissed off enough to at least consider screwing you in any way she feels is best for her.

Good luck.

-

Great post and welcome to the "community" such as it is.

Your advice is in line with my first choice, but it's quite possible that this educated non-poor urban girl isn't quite the total bunny-burner so many of our SOs have been, only he can judge, and he's got to wear the consequences of his chosen method of departure.

However if things do start to look like there's any chance of violence, blackmail etc then <deleted> don't listen to the "be a man" crowd, definitely take the 007 route.

Finally about her feelings, I'll say don't worry too much about that aspect not only for practical reasons and certainly not because you shouldn't care, but because in reality from lots of experience, bottom line is she'll be fine, she'll move on as written before much faster than you'd like to think. A lot of the pain and suffering displayed is, even if not purposefully overblown for dramatic effect, a very temporary phenomenon.

Edit: correct term is "bunny boiler" not burner (cf Glen Close in Fatal Attraction)

Edited June 20, 2013 by boosta

[iancnx]

Well no matter what Tom, you sure have concentrated some minds, even if some of them are ever so slightly warped. So what's the verdict, and can I have the 'rights' for the Thai Movie ? Please ?

After note. The movie would encompass all of the above..... The OP would be thread running through it all. Oh.... And you would live happily ever after in my script.

Edited June 20, 2013 by iancnx

[NOPOMPAM]

Correct! Everyone is different. Not to be painted with same brush as you say. My immediate thoughts are that you have underestimated some strong cultural links that still exist in Thai Society. Yes it may all be easier in New York but generally speaking the rewards are far greater here so long as the intentions are pure.

Not to worry! Some relationships suck and just don't work out. Move on and try not to align the problem to any specific reason as you seem to be. Nothing wrong with either of you apart from a little bitterness. This will wear off in time.

[Cambodger]

I've recently just come out of a 3 year relationship with a thai girl, 28yrs old office worker lower middle class and a real stunner. I don't think i'd ever entertain doing it again.

I never married or got engaged to her, i wanted to, but there were just too many red flags popping along the way for me to take the plunge.

I'm 36 by the way and never had a problem attracting hot women in the west so i wasn't really operating out of my league and with lots of disposable income to burn.

She could have had it all from me visa, marriage into a fairly affluent western family, everything she said that she wanted in life, but she couldn't hold it together for more than 6 months. Unsurprisingly it was all my fault.

After stepping back from the situation and accessing the last 3 years its been one compromise after the other with her. trying to pass off lies and lack of respect as culture is just making excuses for them.

I dont just mean her, i'd say 99% of Thais from all backgrounds that I've met are selfish, self centered people with very little to offer a reasonably smart educated westerner in friendship or in relationships.

Personally i would chose a average looking western women over a hot Thai any day.

Edited June 20, 2013 by RogueTrader999

[aTomsLife]

I’ve been reading the news and browsing comments from this forum on and off for six years. Your thread and situation has motivated me to finally register and go through about six captcha’s and sit down to write this reply to you. Based on all of the comments you got some very good advice. My advice is to agree with the one’s who say “get the hell out of there in the middle of the night.” When she doesn’t suspect you’re going anywhere special, pack your stuff and get on a flight and go home before she even knows you’re gone.

I arrived in Thailand in 2006 and taught in some of the best private Thai schools. I’m a good teacher so I didn’t experience nearly the hell on earth as many, many do because I’m well trained and educated in academics and child psychology. With that said, my teaching experience was bloody hell on earth as a teacher in those schools. Yeah, you got some good experience under your belt. Go home and get another degree.

The stories I was barraged with in 2007 about ‘the thai girlfriend” scared me quite enough to never - ever - make the mistake of having a thai girlfriend. I had my share of good times and treated women quite nicely but whenever it got to the point when they wanted more I cut the rope easily and went on with my life with no bad feelings. I was always up front and even then, I had some pretty wild and crazy responses and potential nuclear nuts about to crack. Maybe I was lucky, don’t know.

But, as for the crazy stories, many of the guys in your situation end up getting hustled or scammed and screwed by a vindictive ex-girlsfriend who believes you owe her something and she will make you pay one way or another.

If you’re planning to go home, make her think you want to stay, don’t forecast your departure, don’t pack in front of her, quietly slip your stuff over to a friend's place and when you’re ready bug out like a ghost in the dark of night. Don’t have any long goodbye’s with her, don’t even say a word, just go.

There’s no predicting how she will react, what she will do, and how it could - seriously - end badly for you. It does not matter not that she’s an educated and professional woman.

In the end, you decide what to do of course. Just think of yourself, your safety, your money, and your future. Think of you, don’t think about hurting her feelings. By the time she accepts you’re leaving her, my money is on her being pissed off enough to at least consider screwing you in any way she feels is best for her.

Good luck.

I really do appreciate you going through the motions of registering. Great first post. As I've received a lot of great advice today, I'm out of "likes". Hope you post more often. This board can use all the rational, even tempered members it can find. Cheers!

[iancnx]

I've recently just come out of a 3 year relationship with a thai girl, 28yrs old office worker lower middle class middle class and a real stunner. I don't think i'd ever entertain doing it again.

I never married or got engaged to her, i wanted to, but there were just too many red flags popping along the way for me to take the plunge.

I'm 36 by the way and never had a problem attracting hot women in the west so i wasn't really operating out of my league and with lots of disposable income to burn.

She could have had it all from me visa, marriage into a fairly affluent western family, everything she said that she wanted in life, but she couldn't hold it together for more than 6 months. Unsurprisingly it was all my fault.

After stepping back from the situation and accessing the last 3 years its been one compromise after the other with her. trying to pass off lies and lack of respect as culture is just making excuses for them.

I dont just mean her, i'd say 99% of Thais from all backgrounds that I've met are selfish, self centered people with very little to offer a reasonably smart educated westerner in friendship or in relationships.

Personally i would chose a average looking western women over a hot Thai any day.

Get yer crash helmet on buddy..... I sense 'incoming' for the 99% assumption

[aTomsLife]

I've recently just come out of a 3 year relationship with a thai girl, 28yrs old office worker lower middle class and a real stunner. I don't think i'd ever entertain doing it again.

I never married or got engaged to her, i wanted to, but there were just too many red flags popping along the way for me to take the plunge.

I'm 36 by the way and never had a problem attracting hot women in the west so i wasn't really operating out of my league and with lots of disposable income to burn.

She could have had it all from me visa, marriage into a fairly affluent western family, everything she said that she wanted in life, but she couldn't hold it together for more than 6 months. Unsurprisingly it was all my fault.

After stepping back from the situation and accessing the last 3 years its been one compromise after the other with her. trying to pass off lies and lack of respect as culture is just making excuses for them.

I dont just mean her, i'd say 99% of Thais from all backgrounds that I've met are selfish, self centered people with very little to offer a reasonably smart educated westerner in friendship or in relationships.

Personally i would chose a average looking western women over a hot Thai any day.

Very interesting. At the moment I share many of your points of view.

"Unsurprisingly it was all my fault."

Care to elaborate on this?

[Cambodger]

I've recently just come out of a 3 year relationship with a thai girl, 28yrs old office worker lower middle class middle class and a real stunner. I don't think i'd ever entertain doing it again.

I never married or got engaged to her, i wanted to, but there were just too many red flags popping along the way for me to take the plunge.

I'm 36 by the way and never had a problem attracting hot women in the west so i wasn't really operating out of my league and with lots of disposable income to burn.

She could have had it all from me visa, marriage into a fairly affluent western family, everything she said that she wanted in life, but she couldn't hold it together for more than 6 months. Unsurprisingly it was all my fault.

After stepping back from the situation and accessing the last 3 years its been one compromise after the other with her. trying to pass off lies and lack of respect as culture is just making excuses for them.

I dont just mean her, i'd say 99% of Thais from all backgrounds that I've met are selfish, self centered people with very little to offer a reasonably smart educated westerner in friendship or in relationships.

Personally i would chose a average looking western women over a hot Thai any day.

Get yer crash helmet on buddy..... I sense 'incoming' for the 99% assumption

Well 1% does leave around 600,000 of them and i have met one decent Thai in 3 years...

[aTomsLife]

Well no matter what Tom, you sure have concentrated some minds, even if some of them are ever so slightly warped. So what's the verdict, and can I have the 'rights' for the Thai Movie ? Please ?

After note. The movie would encompass all of the above..... The OP would be thread running through it all. Oh.... And you would live happily ever after in my script.

Verdict is I'm going to be honest about the possibility of my departure, but not tell her I'm 99% sure of it. Moreover, I'll stress to her that we can try and make it work. It seems the most reasonable course to take. And as I mentioned, even if she's not actively dating other guys, I don't think she'll stop entertaining the attention that comes her way on a regular basis. Point being, for those inclined to accuse me of wasting her time, I think she's well in control of keeping her options open.