Thai Girlfriend Question

[phibunmike]

Is this "silent treatment" thing very common among Thai girls?

Not wanting to discuss a problem and saying you "think too much" when you bring it up is very common.

Do you want to go back to Thailand ?

"Up to you"

You don't seem happy...

"Mai pen rai"

One poster said she needs some friends. While I agree, that might not be easy. My wife doesn't have many friends, mostly family. She doesn't readily make friends with other Thais, especially if they are older than her and therefore deserve respect, saying she can't be "too familiar".

[Niceandkind]

so you are saying just ignore that she ignores me and doesn't want to talk?

[sbk]

niceandkind, it is now over 3 months later, is she still with you in Canada? I thought you said it was a 90 day visa? If you are still have issues communicating then maybe its time to have a heart to heart talk with her, in a calm and rational manner (dont' shout, don't get angry). Seems to me, if its gone on this long without some kind of resolution there are probably more issues than just this one.

[IMA_FARANG]

I'm Canadian, got my Thai girlfriend here on a fiance visa, and during this 90 period, every time something doesn't go right she says she wants to go back home to Thailand. She crys, gets very quiet for a day, and then seems to snap out of it. It's getting very hard to make any plans, not knowing what she really wants. She will not discuss this with me, and gets very quiet and ignores me when I try to have the discussion about our future together. Any suggestions?

Try to remember that living in a foriegn country with a life style that is unusual for her is just as hard on her as living in a foriegn country was for you. She has gone from a place where she knew what was happening, and spoke the language fluently. There she knew everything that was going on around her. Now she is in a place where things happen that she doen't understand completely, in a second language she may not understand completely. Of course she is a little uneasy about what is going on!

If you know of any Thai couples, especially Thai women living near by, make an effort to get her to meet them. It may not help, but if she has someone she can talk to that could make her much happier.

Try to understand that the cultural gap for her living in your country is as much a problem for her as it would be for you to be living in her country.

Good luck, and hope it all comes out well.

[bendix]

Dear thaivisa members. I had an argument with my girlfriend last night. i don't know what to do about it. Can you help me solve the problem please.

Oh, and while I'm at it, I can't decide what to have for dinner tonight.

Honestly man. Get a grip. If you can't resolve a problem with your gf, like this, why on earth do you think a bunch of strangers on the internet will be able to help?

[Donz]

let her go home for awhile, people get home sick, get her a 1 month ticket and all should be good.

[LaReina]

bendix: Excuse you… but he did post this in the “Women’s Forum”. You do not have to read it.

[davidjtayler]

Dear thaivisa members. I had an argument with my girlfriend last night. i don't know what to do about it. Can you help me solve the problem please.

Oh, and while I'm at it, I can't decide what to have for dinner tonight.

Honestly man. Get a grip. If you can't resolve a problem with your gf, like this, why on earth do you think a bunch of strangers on the internet will be able to help?

Just the sort of sensitive advice that Niceandkind was looking for .......

[bendix]

Ok, let me be more direct.

It seems painfully obvious that it is a dysfunctional relationship. I have no idea (but can guess) about the age differences; and we can also draw some conclusions about cultural and economic differences. This girl is missing home; she misses her friends; and (forgive me for being blunt) but for a variety of reasons she either can't or won't talk to her bf/ husband about it. She has been uprooted from the familiar to the unfamiliar, and doesnt have anyone to talk to about it.

So where does that leave us?

Yet another example of a sadly familiar story played out thousands of times already . . . . .

Edited September 6, 2006 by bendix

[Lawrence o' Surin]

.... She crys, gets very quiet for a day, and then seems to snap out of it.

Your sweet nature doth abhor those tears

by which they do oft beguile such men as these

[kevc]

Is this "silent treatment" thing very common among Thai girls?

No with me it's only lasted for 11 years thats how long we've been married, sorry thing you've got to get used to.

[Donz]

I wish i got the silent treatment, my gf goes on and on and on and on and on and on, if i do something simular the next month she will say you always do this or that blah blah blah blah.

Then I usually just say "bloody women" and she gives me this look like she gonna rip my head off. But it looks sexy in a way

[johnh101]

As someone once said to me...

"What do you think will happen if you take a tropical flower from the mountains of Thailand and place it on a windowsill in Aberdeen"

But in saying that I have been very lucky as my wife (after a few growing pains) discovered a love for travelling and readily accepts that everywhere is different from her home and that it is SHE that has to adjust not the people around her.

Good Luck.

Edited September 12, 2006 by johnh101

[profijet]

I can say most of the Thai people are very very soft in speaking, discussion and hot conversation. So, we need to understand them first before we start to say he/she is not so co-operative. Why don't we change ourselves by giving him/her enough love and affection. Always remeber please donot mention I made a mistake in chooing you or bring you here. This will make the situation more worser and complex.

Take her to an outing where you're free from your daily routines and disturbances. This may heal her a lot. Next, listening her is the another tool we should learn. We normally say our problems and concerns which we should avaid at this moment and think only of her to make her comfortable.

I hope you both will have a happy married life soon.

I wish you all the best.

[kindgal]

Not only Thai ladies who moved to a new place with farang.

But Thai students is also homesick...I think you should be make her happy and feel warm.

[Lamphunman]

I met my wife here in the US when she was 29 and I was 31. She was always very quiet. And in typical, traditional Thai fashion; low key, quiet, no public displays of affection (only in private), etc.

We moved in together and lived as a couple for 8 years. If she got upset she totally clammed up! Not a word.

We've been married for the last 8 years (16 years together) and I have to say life together has never been better. I should have married her right from the start.

One thing I noticed was, because of the language issue ( she spoke fair, but not too good English, I spoke vitually no Thai) that she would say things that she didn't really mean but they came out sounding worse then she intended. That takes getting used to.

My wife has almost no friends, just aquaintences. She's ok with that. We go to Thailand almost every year, although she doesn't really get too homesick. She was a permanent resident alien when I met her, now a US citizen.

Life is good.

[Sum Num Na]

How many times has this happened in the 90 days ?

Maybe she really isn't happy ?

No Sh** Sherlock??

[redwater]

"I know you don't want to hear this but I always try to give my honest opinion and from the little you've tolds us, I would say that if she's doing this at 29, there's not much hope of her changing. "

That might be true for some but for some this might not be the case. People can change. I used to be just like her when I was younger. But now I grew out of it. I learned that just being silent and crying will not do me any good. It definitely will not help solve any problem.

Coming from a Thai person perspective, I do know that Thai people are not confrontational especially when it comes to having an argument. We don't like arguments. And instead of arguing about things to really solve problems, we tend to be silent or we just avoid conflicts.

Nice & Smooth, I guess you could try just talking to your fiance and remain very calm when you think there could be an argument after certain comments on certain issues. If you raise your voice, you'll blow an opportunity to discuss with her. I don't know about other Thai people but for me, when my husband raises his voice, I turn off automatically. I think remaining calm will help a lot. Hope this helps! Good luck!

[pap]

You have a possibly insurmountable hurdle.

Consider this...There is not a large population of Thais in your country. Many Thais are very dependent on their social groups....family and friends....much more so than most foreigners.

They are close to their families which causes many misunderstandings from western viewpoints that I won't even go into.

She does not get to hear her native langauge and every day and this is probably a struggle. Westerners are raised to be more independent in most cases and these struggles are more easily accepted.

Her social groups are not easily available to her.

The food sucks when you compare it to Thai food.

Its colder.

And on and on. You took her from a place she knows and is a pretty wonderful place to one that is not quit so wonderful.

It is nice to beleive she can overcome all these hurdles for love but you should know how much you are really asking of her.

The things I list above can be taken for weaknesses on a Thai persons part. I do not believe that is the case. The things that make it hard for her to adjust to western ways are the things that make Thai society strong... not weak.

Good luck.

[pumpuiman]

One thing I explained to my wife when I first accompanied her togeter to the U.S. on a fiance visa, was that she is only time away from home.I believe it is important to stress that in less than a day she can be sitting with her family, if that is what she wants, and that I would support her completely if that is what she wanted to do, no questions asked. I believe this took a lot of weight from her shoulders, once she realized how small the world really is.

As far as the silent treatment goes, I also occasionally experiece this delightful comraderie .After 5 years I have actually learned to respect the way my wife will hold off going off the handle. I think it was her upbringing, and the Thai way of avoiding confontation that ingrained this behavior within her..I have found that I think more clearly and rationally after a "cooling off" period, and find I have a more peaceful relationship in the long run.

I wish you the best of luck.......I could not be more happy, I hope you and your fiance can find the same happiness.

[yoshiwara]

do you live in the middle of nowhere? then she will be lonely and bored out of her box. take her home and sort it out from there.

[meadish_sweetball]

Sibyl's post is right on the money.

She'll need other Thais to talk to, Thai people that are in the same situation, and who have been there for longer and are positive about it.

...and she'll need to go back home once or twice a year for two weeks or more. It takes time to adjust.

[f14pilot61]

I'm Canadian, got my Thai girlfriend here on a fiance visa, and during this 90 period, every time something doesn't go right she says she wants to go back home to Thailand. She crys, gets very quiet for a day, and then seems to snap out of it. It's getting very hard to make any plans, not knowing what she really wants. She will not discuss this with me, and gets very quiet and ignores me when I try to have the discussion about our future together. Any suggestions?

Unless a thai girl has been abroad before (rare) and knows what to expect, it is almost always a bad idea to plan on her staying long. If you cant see yourself moving to Thailand to be with her, then I advise breaking it off clean here and now. Sorry to say, but sounds like the chances of her being happy long-term in Canada is virtually zero.

I will have to agree with stranger, break it off now and early so this will not bite you in the bud later. I have been married to a Thai girl for almost 4 years and now going through a divorce as she lied to me constantly and other things as well but the point I'm trying to make is, if she does not feel good around you and YOUR surroundings, then it's best to break it off now rather than waste your time with her. If she is really 29 and has some education, she is not ready nor will she be able to adjust to the different lifestyle, ever. Thai girls are a different breed, without other Thai's around, your asking for trouble and with most of the thai's that are now Americanized, you don't know what to expect.

[November Rain]

Why do people keep dragging up old threads? I get all interested & then find out whatever the problem was has been "dead & buried" for a year (or 3 in some of the threads that have been resurrected lately). Grrrr!

[jberwick]

I'm a Canadian guy, but I would do the same thing as her if someone took me from Thailand and brought me to Canada... I'd cry and say I wanted to go to Thailand!! Canada is a cold, communist backwater, I don't blame her for wanting to get the hel_l outta there. You didn't mention where you are, but in most of Canada right now it is -30C with ice storms... poor girl must think she is in hel_l.

[dong]

Why do people keep dragging up old threads? I get all interested & then find out whatever the problem was has been "dead & buried" for a year (or 3 in some of the threads that have been resurrected lately). Grrrr!

Same same. i got caught on this one too,plus a few others, Have to check the use by date next time

[Midnight Blue]

It might have been posted before or maybe not. What does she do? If nothing, then you might consider suggesting she take some classes.

Being a first generation thai american, I know that the only thais that enjoy being here are the ones that have found relevency in our culture. And there is a relationship between the academic background and ease of adjustment. Usually those with more exposure to better education have a much easier time here. That is not to say it is a prerequisite but it makes it easier to find their place in this new culture.

So regardless of her background, she might enjoy getting out of the house and taking some classes. If she is lucky, she will even be able to transition herself into a career.

[phetchal]

Or her "silent treatment" bc she need to know when she can change position from your Fiance to your wife