I'm Canadian, got my Thai girlfriend here on a fiance visa, and during this 90 period, every time something doesn't go right she says she wants to go back home to Thailand. She crys, gets very quiet for a day, and then seems to snap out of it. It's getting very hard to make any plans, not knowing what she really wants. She will not discuss this with me, and gets very quiet and ignores me when I try to have the discussion about our future together. Any suggestions?

Any suggestions?

Give her a map to the airport.

is she homesick?

does she have someone at home already?

the lack of communication with some thai people is one that i have great difficulty in understanding. whilst we farang are always told to talk our problems through, many (definitely not all) thai people hold it all in and go silent instead.

i dont see this as being particularly healthy but i guess what you need to do is get to the root of the problem.

she may be lonely there without her friends.

she will be missing sticky rice (or whatever other food from here she may like).

she will be missing her family, the weather, familiar things.

see if any of the above are true. try to find an area where there may be other thai people for her to mix with. get her online where she can communicate with her friends.

but mostly, get her communicating with you somehow. i dont know how to do this, but i think that is the first major step that has to be taken.

i wish you luck.

May I ask what age is the lady in question?

she will be missing sticky rice

gimme a bleedin' break.

You cant underestimate the amount Thai Gals miss home.

Younger uneducated girls moreso.

Most Girls in our network here in aus go back every 4-6mths ..you have to budget it even if they go alone.

Also I note the younger and more uneducated girls view of love and permanency is very different to what ours is.

I met one recent arrival thru my lady at a club a month back.

Boyfriend sponsored her over for three mths...shes a pattaya export ..shes already turning tricks and saying shes staying with a girlfriend.

I'm Canadian, got my Thai girlfriend here on a fiance visa, and during this 90 period, every time something doesn't go right she says she wants to go back home to Thailand. She crys, gets very quiet for a day, and then seems to snap out of it. It's getting very hard to make any plans, not knowing what she really wants. She will not discuss this with me, and gets very quiet and ignores me when I try to have the discussion about our future together. Any suggestions?

From the brief description, she sounds immature and is doing nothing more than attention seeking.

Crying when things don't go her way, threatening to leave the country, long silly silences... Not a healthy start to a long term healthy relationship.

More details please.

How many times has this happened in the 90 days ?

Maybe she really isn't happy ?

she will be missing sticky rice

gimme a bleedin' break.

thinking you would have been able to read between the lines, it is meant to mean that she will be missing her favourite foods etc.

bleedin' 'ell

Isn't there a Thaitown you can take her to? She needs some friends. Thai people aren't used to being alone. Make an effort to get her to connect to the Thai community in your area.

Where is the OP anyway?

Hey "NiceandKind", we're so itch to solve your problem with your little cutie, but we do need more info!

Man...I hate it when they're gone for a beer and never returned until noon next day!

May I ask what age is the lady in question?

Just 29

Is this "silent treatment" thing very common among Thai girls?

Yes she probaly missing home, my fiancee always misses home and thats why we take 2 trips back there a year.

Or maybe she is just fed up living in your country

May I ask what age is the lady in question?

Just 29

Is this "silent treatment" thing very common among Thai girls?

Oh boy... have you got it coming

Seriously though, she should be old enough to realise that she's got to dig in and make a go of her new life. She must be made to understand that if she's to stay with you there, she can't just hop on a bus home to mother when things are a little tough.

I know you don't want to hear this but I always try to give my honest opinion and from the little you've tolds us, I would say that if she's doing this at 29, there's not much hope of her changing. SAs you said yourself, how can you make plans and move forward if you're still struggling with trifles like this?

Isn't there a Thaitown you can take her to? She needs some friends. Thai people aren't used to being alone. Make an effort to get her to connect to the Thai community in your area.

Biggest factor, I'd say. But be careful about who the new friends are. In a situation like that, any new Thai friends will wield a big influence on her.

But be careful about who the new friends are. In a situation like that, any new Thai friends will wield a big influence on her.

Absolutely!... but if you have to choose her friends for her for fear she cannot choose wisely herself, it's a non-starter.

Just 29

Is this "silent treatment" thing very common among Thai girls?

The “silent treatment” is fairly common reaction - my wife still utilizes this weapon in her arsenal on occasion. Many Thais avoid difficult and direction confrontation. So if you ask her to discuss something that does not have a clear, direct solution that she knows will be acceptable to both of you, then she may avoid discussing the matter entirely.

In regard to the hard times she is experiencing in Canada, and then wants to go home to Thailand. This is all part of her learning/growing experience. Instead of making this process more difficult/confrontational; just confirm to her that she is what is important to you not the particular situation that is causing difficulties. That it is important to you that you work thru these problems together. Becoming part of the solution for her and not part of the problem her as she sees things.

In regard to relationship issues it took my wife and I (actually still working to refine this item) quite a long time to understand each other and be able to “successfully argue”; to air our issues and work toward solutions. At first she reacted much the same way as your girlfriend; closed up tight and did not want to discus the issue (Many Thais avoid confrontation, and she still does this some now) – took her time to better understand my western back ground, and for me to better understand her Thai back ground to get better at working thru our problems/issues.

In regard to your future together – best thing you can do is make it clear as possible to her how you see your future together, at the same time acknowledging that nothing is set-in-stone and that obviously things can change as your relationship changes. Until she is very comfortable in what your position is, it is not likely that she will be comfortable discussing how she views your future together.

i think this has less to do with sticky rice , weather or family and friends and more to do with the realisation that there might be no future in the relationship.

for a 29 year old she does show some signs of immaturity that ought to ring warning bells for you.

When my fiancee gets mad i wish she use the silent treatment, but my fiancee just lets her lips flap for like 30 mins

I would take the silent treatment anyday

The “silent treatment” is fairly common reaction - my wife still utilizes this weapon in her arsenal on occasion. Many Thais avoid difficult and direction confrontation. So if you ask her to discuss something that does not have a clear, direct solution that she knows will be acceptable to both of you, then she may avoid discussing the matter entirely.

"Utilizes this weapon in her arsenal" I love that! Classic!

TokyoT is correct though, IMO. I have the same problem with my wife as well. When something important comes up that needs to be discussed, she just wants to clamp up and avoid it altogether. It drives me crazy! Otherwise, if we are talking about innocuous malarky, she won't shut up. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!!!!!!!! It's probably the most difficult thing for me to deal with in our cross-cultural relationship. Thais just have a completely different way of dealing with issues.

I wish my gf learnt the silent treatment.

When you get in an arguement does your gf bring things that happend like 2 years ago and if i did something wrong maybe twice she says i ALWAY do that?

My girlfriend is pretty short and ive had people tell me little girls usually have big mouths hehehehe

And i told her that as a joke that little girls have big mouths she didnt take that too well

Edited May 8, 200620 yr by Donz

As for us we have one basic rule.....

"Anything beyond 1 yr is not permissible and can not be used as a fuel injector during our arguement!"

I've seen this situation over and over. I will not work. You say she's "just" 29. That is hardly young and she should be able to handle the situation if she wants to. Give her walking papers

Sheesh. Ever heard of culture shock?

I think it is a very difficult move for a SE Asia lady to go from her country to Canada, USA, UK ,etc. Familiar, culture, friends, food, language all missing. I took a Malaysian Chinese to USA and married her when she was 21. Her English was tops and she was well educated. She would threaten to go back home at least once per month and after 20 years in USA still does not like many aspects of life there. I actually agree with her on many points and find life more relaxing and enjoyable in Thailand at my stage in life. But, I am retired and do not have to live in some nasty "in your face" western country to survive. I assume you are working in Canada and need to stay there for economic reasons. If so, try to get her to understand the facts of life about this and perhaps make some plans to relocate back to Thailand at some future time. Maybe you can get some job there. But, if her language skills are poor and she has a low versitility factor, you age going to have a tough time.

Just my 2 pence. Lol

My best friends wife came to UK and she was just like yours for the first year.

Wouldn't take her husbands fiends as her own when we was makig more effort than we should have done.

But like Skylar says CULTURE SHOCK.

Although most Thais have little money they still seem to have the most fun and make the most of everyday and I personally think western countries differ.

Have you ever heard of the Culture Shock Curve or W-Curve? It could provide some answers to your questions about your girlfriends behaviour and actions.

Basically, the stages of adjustment someone goes through are in a 'W' shape where they go through high and low points .... but the 'ups and downs' in the 'W' could be repeated many times (making it a zigzag).

The first stage is the 'honeymoon' period which can start before leaving. It's the period where everything is new and you're buzzing with excitemnt.

Next comes the 'culture shock' period where you suddeny realise this new life is reality and you begin to think you made a mistake moving. Normal daily tasks become problamatic.

The next stage (the mid point of the W) is a period of 'initial adjustment' which comes after successfully coping with sitiuations that arise and you feel like you've regained some sense of control.

Unfortunately most people fall again into the 'Mental Isolation' period which happens when they have become more familiar with the physical environment (eg cities/towns, weather, etc) but start to compare their home culture with the culture they're living in. Homesickness starts to surface and they will feel isolated from their surroundings.

The final stage - which may take weeks, months, years to reach (depending on the person) is 'Acceptance and Integration' when they begin to feel connected to their new environment, have a realistic view of life their, have developed a history with new friends (especially from the host culture) and start thinking it is a good place to be.

Have a search on the internet for more info - there's variations to the curve but I pretty much think it fits in with your girlfreind's behaviours. Also, here's a list of culture shock symptoms I got off the internet:

Feeling very angry over minor inconveniences

Irritability

Withdrawal from people who are different from you

Extreme homesickness

Sudden intense feeling of loyalty to own culture

Overeating or loss of appetite

Boredom

A need for excessive sleep

Headaches

Upset stomach

Small pains really hurt

Depression

Loss of ability to work or study effectively

Unexplainable crying

Marital or relationship stress

Exaggerated cleanliness

Feeling sick much of the time

Hopefully some of these symptoms will help you understand that your g/f is probably not just being 'immature' as some have suggested, but is probably showing signs of moderate to severe culture shock. By the way, she may not even be aware she is suffering from culture shock, so perhaps showing her the curve and talking to her about some of the symptoms will help get her to talk to you about it rather than keep it all inside.

I'm Canadian, got my Thai girlfriend here on a fiance visa, and during this 90 period, every time something doesn't go right she says she wants to go back home to Thailand. She crys, gets very quiet for a day, and then seems to snap out of it. It's getting very hard to make any plans, not knowing what she really wants. She will not discuss this with me, and gets very quiet and ignores me when I try to have the discussion about our future together. Any suggestions?

Unless a thai girl has been abroad before (rare) and knows what to expect, it is almost always a bad idea to plan on her staying long. If you cant see yourself moving to Thailand to be with her, then I advise breaking it off clean here and now. Sorry to say, but sounds like the chances of her being happy long-term in Canada is virtually zero.

I dissagree with many of the posts here. I don't think this spells doom for your relationship. I don't think it means she is bored and wants to leave you. I don't even think she is immature or playing to the tears. I think this is quite common.

My wife is educated and she came from a good family. When she first came to the UK, she knew no one but me. It is awfully confining even if she has good English. What helped my wife was meeting some other Thai's locally. A bit of home helps with the settling in (and the culture shock). She met them through taking an English course - her first friends here were a Chinese woman, an Egyptian woman and a Sri Lankan. She met Thais there too and made friends there (though they, the Thais, were a little offish at first - she found out later from one that they thought she was HiSo and would not want to talk to them!). Anyway, this really helped her.

MSN and Skype are also god sends as they can chat with friends from home too.

Don't take it negatively about you/your relationship, its a big upheaval for her and she's alone.

Chok Dee

I think many of these responses have been way too hard on the woman. All the Thais I know who have gone to the west – permanently or short term – report extreme difficulty in the initial adjustment, and that it was not as they expected it to be. In addition to the food, the weather and lack of just about everything familiar, there is a major cultural adjustment. Not only are they away from friends and family but their western hosts and new acquaintances do not relate to them in the way they expect.

Ever notice how Thais treat their foreign guests? This degree of solicitousness and constant care-taking (which can actually become annoying for some westerners) is what they expect to receive when they themselves go to a foreign country. Needless to say, it’s not what they receive. They expect to be escorted everywhere; it’s a shock when sometimes they are just given a map or directions and expected to find their own way. They are left alone a great deal more than they have ever been in their lives. What is by western standards friendly and courteous behavior to a guest is to a Thai cold and heartless. It takes time before they begin to understand it as a cultural difference and to appreciate the good as well as bad side of the west’s emphasis on individualism and privacy. Some people never do make the adjustment; those who do, in my experience usually find it takes a good year, and the help of Thai expatriates is invaluable.

I know cases where friendships have soured over the Thai’s resentment of their treatment as guests and the western host’s resentment of what seems to them to be childish and excessively demanding behavior. It is simply a cultural difference. When this scenario plays out in the context of a romantic relationship it is apt to be all the more difficult; she will interpret these things as a lack of love.

As I understand it, she’s been there less than 3 months. Naturally she is having a very hard time. And yes, the “silent treatment” is both a cultural trait and an indication of unhappiness. That’s a whole thread unto itself – finding a middle ground between western-style direct confrontation/talking it out and the Thai approach.

For the OP, if you really care about the woman I would counsel patience, spending more time with her or ensuring that someone does (i.e. don’t expect her to be very independent at this stage, and don’t leave her alone much). If at all possible help her connect with Thais living in the area, they are the best placed to explain cultural differences to her from a Thai perspective.

It would also be good to talk to her but do it in a low-key and very sympathetic manner and don’t push her to make a decision now – she probably doesn’t know yet whether or not she can tolerate living there or what she wants to do. She only knows she’s lonely, homesick and unhappy now. Show concern, let her know you realize she’s unhappy and that there are a lot of cultural differences. It might help if you (or better yet, a Thai) could explain to her what the western norms are in terms of independence and expectations of people – that the fact that people are not buzzing over her “taking care” of her at every turn is normal for the west and that she’s being treated as any member of the family would be.