What Is Your Experience With Thai Men?

[Bluecat]

But it’s probably fair to say that most aren’t a good bet for a serious relationship.

Agree with this one Inan.

But, but, as you rightly said, there are always exceptions.

By the way, sorry to interfere on "emotional" girl talk but on this one, I'm not sure girls have the best advice,...

[Boo]

Ahh Bluey u know your always welcome on the girlie chats, you give us a nice male refection & point of view. Keep it coming, half the time, your the only one who keeps these threads alive anyway!

[daizeez]

thanks, inan;

you are right...i can't generalize. there are exceptions. as for his history with relationships, he has been with the same thai girl the last 4 years, but he says they were always fighting and angry. his friends didn't like her. i met her when i was there, as their relationship was just ending when i came into the picture. he says i am his first farang girl, though he had 2 flings with a girl from malaysian and one from japan a couple years ago when he worked a bar. he said things were on the rocks with his girlfriend back then, so maybe it's understandable he had the flings(?). i don't know.

8 months is a while to see what will happen between us. but i am prepared that after i go back in january for that month, if things go well, i am going to come home and make arrangements to leave canada to go back to thailand indefinitley. even if things don't work out with this guy, i know i need to stay there for a while. it definitely hooked me. i just really hope this guy is not taking me for a ride because my emotions are very much on the line.

thanks again for your ideas.

[daizeez]

By the way, sorry to interfere on "emotional" girl talk but on this one, I'm not sure girls have the best advice,...

you're definitely not interfering...i need to look at this situation from all perspectives right about now

[daizeez]

he replied by saying he enjoys the freedom it gives him

The freedom to do what, Daizeez?

Sorry to be a bit sceptical again,...

good point.

[inan]

sorry to interfere on "emotional" girl talk but on this one, I'm not sure girls have the best advice,... 

I guess guys do come out with something intelligent from time to time

[rainman]

sorry to interfere on "emotional" girl talk but on this one, I'm not sure girls have the best advice,... 

I guess guys do come out with something intelligent from time to time

*walks through the room coughing wildly*

[Sassie]

Met my boyfriend in December in Isaan (through a Thai friend of mine and also met my boyfriend's mother the year before that). We only said "hi" initially but the feeling/electricity that ran between us was incredible (and still is). We flirted for a few days while he was showing us around and after that ... well we spent the rest of my time in Thailand together. I returned to be with him in April and inbetween we emailed and telephoned regularly. In April he asked me to marry him (and have a family) and I said yes to marriage & baby when i return in October (a long way off). He is sweet, sexy, smart, polite, treats me like gold. His mother will give us land to build a house in Isaan (nice property too!), house plans/designs. I have stayed twice with him & his family at their home. They all say how much they love me and miss me. I love and miss them very much too. And we are farang/thai Angelina & Billy Bob with each others name tattooed on us (even if it doesn't end up working out (WAH!), i've had the happiest time of my life with him and his family so his name, in Thai, will remain on me).

However here in Canada my family & friends are skeptical of my recent time with him. Their main points are money related in that i work in Canada, make good cash, own a townhouse. He doesn't work (odd jobs sometimes), lives in small town (i love it) and is usually spending his time helping his mom at home, driving her around, working on the farm/land. So maybe (and like mentioned above) he is in love with me and my money. Which is ok but seeing as he wants me to eventually remain in Thailand, I'm like "where is the money going to come from?" (my good job does not have pension etc. attached).

I love him dearly in my heart and soul and then I think with my head and about financial responsibilities. So I am in Thailand, heart and soul, but my head is still in Canada, wondering about money. I looked out for him financially in April and he seemed embarassed (although he certainly accepted the money) and told me before I left that he wants to be the one to give me the money. But is it all talk and no action...so like usual i will be waiting another few months to be with him and see where things have progressed to in that regard (i.e. did he get work, or is he waiting for ATM Sassie to return).

I hope we will get it all figured out cuz i love him and Thailand very much. And I'm about ready for a new adventure in life.

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone? Cheers.

Sassie (best get back to work, boss doesn't pay me to post, darn it!)

[sbk]

Daizeez, not all beach guys are slime, but most are. What you need to decide is how much you are willing to sacrifice, because, by moving to Thailand that is, in a way, what you are doing. I have lived here 15 years, ever since I was 23. I have given up my family (I get to see them once a year), my friends at home, any hope of a career etc. Am I sorry? No, we have a close and loving relationship, but then I never had to worry about the money issue. My husband comes from a good family with money, is educated and spoke fluent English when I met him. He had never dated a farang girl (in fact, when I came very few had). I have seen many relationships come and go. The most successful ones have been between people who feel themselves equal. If your education and money make him feel like he is inferior then things will not work out. He will be unhappy feeling second rate to a woman (sorry girls, but we all know this is a male-oriented society) and you will feel unhappy having to support him all the time. One important consideration will have to be if he stays faithful to you while you are gone. If not, then I suspect to him you will just be 'flavor of the month'. Sorry to be so harsh but living on Koh Phangan I see this all the time. Very few of these relationships have worked out, in fact, I can think of only one or two long-term relationships between a guy who was a beach guy working at a bungalow and his farang girlfriend. The others that have worked out have all been between either well-to-do local Thai men or well educated Thai men (or both). This is not to say it is impossible, just that you need to go into this with your eyes wide open. Life on the beach can seem like paradise, but remember one important thing; it is just like life everywhere else, there are problems as well as joys.

Sorry to come out with such a negative seeming post... just hope you take care of yourself and try to view things with an open mind.

[daizeez]

... just hope you take care of yourself and try to view things with an open mind.

i know. that's what i'm trying to do. i guess the old cliche is that this guy seems different. and it's worth it to me to find out. because if he is different, i think i'm very lucky to have met him. and if he is slime, he was very very good at fooling me. i'm definitely not a very trusting person by nature. it's just hard to see how a relationship is working out, and not trusting someone completely at the same time. as well, it's hard to not be able to communicate your feelings as in depth as if you both were completely fluent in a language.

[meadish_sweetball]

My two cents:

When language fails, take note of his actions. Do his actions add up to the same thing as his words? My experience is that many (not all) Thais say a lot, and very eloquently, despite the lack of English, but act very little. If you find someone who acts according to his beliefs and words, you have probably found someone who is worth your attention for a while more.

Tham dii gwaa phuud. (meaning - Better to do than to speak, i.e. Action speaks louder than words.)

Good luck!

/Meadish

[sbk]

My two cents:

When language fails, take note of his actions. Do his actions add up to the same thing as his words? My experience is that many (not all) Thais say a lot, and very eloquently, despite the lack of English, but act very little. If you find someone who acts according to his beliefs and words, you have probably found someone who is worth your attention for a while more.

Tham dii gwaa phuud. (meaning - Better to do than to speak, i.e. Action speaks louder than words.)

Good luck!

/Meadish

very good point meadish, I guess what impressed me most about my husband when I first met him was how he behaved in such a decent way towards me and other people. I got very, very lucky, I know. My husband is an honest, decent, trustworthy man. Also, his father is a very decent man who has never had an affair/mia noi. Just isn't the type. If you can, check out his father too. As they say, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Good luck to you Daizeez, and just one last word of advice. When I first met my husband I had been teaching in Taiwan. I went back to Taiwan to settle my affairs there (I had already quite my job beforehand, teaching adults wasn't my thing) and when I came back a guy working at a neighboring bungalow told me that he had had another girl while I was gone. Well, I was ready to turn around and get on the next boat off the island at that point when the farang woman who owned the bungalows I was staying at (she had a Thai husband) told me that people here thought that was a very funny joke, that she knew my (soon to be) husband and that he wasn't that type. If she hadn't vouched for him, I wouldn't have believed him. For years after that the local guys used to tell me that he had a girlfriend in town, on another beach etc etc. He fishes alot and everytime he went fishing someone thought it hysterically funny to say, "He's gone to see his girlfriend". Well, I finally asked someone if she had alot of money because he could keep her if she was rich and would take care of me too. Everyone laughed and after awhile the piss-taking stopped. So, if people tease you alot that he has another girlfriend, then generally it isn't true. It's when people say nothing at all that you have to start worrying.

[Bluecat]

i guess the old cliche is that this guy seems different. and it's worth it to me to find out.

Different than whom?

The boyfriend you could have back home (or in Thailand BTW) who actually works to earn a living?

Sure, he is different.

Different than other men in Thailand (this is valid for Sassie also) who do not "really" work to earn a living in order to enjoy their freedom?

No, he is not different.

As Meadish Sweetball said, actions speak louder than words,...

And believe me, Sassie and Daizeez, Thailand is no paradise if you have NO money,...

[bina]

well, finally a thread that i can relate to totally.

i have a long distance thai boyfriend ; issan, single, hard hard worker... i know because he worked w/me here in israel for 4 years; doesnt drink, gamble or smoke. he saw me for 4 days when i was in thailand teaching for a few weeks as volunteer and it was as if we had not been separated by visa circumstance; i have no money (kibbutz in israel-- commune type living style for those that dont know); divorced w/kids (father in same kibbutz equal child custody)...

I love this man, he loves me; he refuses that i come to thailand until he has earned money to build house (i want small, he wants big); he is trying for visa to states to make money for future (medical, basic living) and has told me: difficult times now, easy times later or as israelis say: difficult during army training easy during war...in other words wait and be patient...

my parents raised the same questions: different culture (been there done that); poor (same same); how will his family react to me (i am hua naa for him so was treated as such)and his mother is a dominant figure in his life as it is for many thai men,etc...i speak basic issan thai; we cannot afford phone calls, but somehow have remained in touch for many years (he knows my children also)... he asked me if i'd been w/any one but him since he left here; i asked same... he said: men dont die from lack of sex or there would be no monks left

you must "ruu jai" your partner; pick up a book called heart talk by christopher moore; it helps learning the jai words to prevent some cross cultural mixups...

[daizeez]

you must "ruu jai" your partner; pick up a book called heart talk by christopher moore; it helps learning the jai words to prevent some cross cultural mixups...

thanks for the advice...i'll take a look for the book! i'm trying to learn as much thai as i can...

[bina]

I found this book has helped understand a lot of what thai people say: when english speakers say : 'cool hearted' it is construed one way; for thai people, 'jai yen' (same literal translation) means --calm down...etc so this book is like a pot of gold for understanding the thai way of thinking...BTW israelis also think/feel more with their hearts than with their heads (hot hearted, not hot headed) etc. and BTW Thai people dont seem to like to analyze situations too much which is the opposite of the N.american style--gross generalizations i know ... do everything with lots of patience and as someone else posted-- look at the actions (or lack) thereof....good luck

this is the web site i found it in: http://www.paknambooks.com/

but there may be other websites for purchasing books that contain cultural info; however, they can only help since books are written about general cultural ways and not everyone is the same!

[ka12345]

as for his history with relationships, he has been with the same thai girl the last 4 years, but he says they were always fighting and angry. his friends didn't like her. i met her when i was there, as their relationship was just ending when i came into the picture.

Hehehe. Classic one. That's his WIFE. When he has secured a permanent residence permit in your home country she will magically resurface with their kids.

[Tattytam]

Hi,

I don't know if you are still reading posts to this thread, but i thought i would add my bit anyway.

My family all went mad when i came to thailand on a 3 month holiday, met a man and never returned!!

My man also worked on the beach in Koh Samui, and still does, I bought the bar he worked in!

But this is the only money he has ever had off me, and he didn't ask me for it. the old bar owner offered me the bar and my boyfriend wouldn't discuss it with me. He told me later he was really excited about it, but didn't want to influence me either way as it was my money and my decision.

We have now been together nearly 4 years and have a 2 1/2 year old son. He has taken care of me financially and other wise for the time i have been here as i do not have a work visa so cannot work. He works extremely hard, doesn't drink or smoke and is a brilliant father.

I also know another thai man who worked with my partner. He had many farang girlfriends and took them for all the cash he could. Then he met a particular girl (farang) and all that changed. They are now married and he is a changed man. She trusted her feelings and took it slow and it all worked out

So basically, what i want to say - in a very long wordy post!! - is that you should come over with enough money to support yourself for as long as possible and take things slow. Read the signs and take notice. If he is asking you to buy things for him all the time, disappearing with no explanation etc then smell a rat!

Don't come back and invest in a business straight away, apart from anything else it is difficult to make money on Samui - i know we do it!

Good luck! I hope it all works out for you as well as it has done for me.

Let us know how it goes when you return and maybe we can meet up.

Tam

P.s. And don't let all the negative stuff put you off - he really might be different!

[Bluecat]

Tattytam, congratulations.

This is true that the negative stories have a tendency to appeal more to our fellow humans than the positive ones.

Human nature, I guess.

Hence yours will be ignored or qualified as being exceptionallly lucky.

Maybe it is, maybe it's not.

Common sense, anybody?

[purrrrr]

i just really hope this guy is not taking me for a ride because my emotions are very much on the line -daizeez

Therein lies the problem daizeez...

Therein in lies the reason for pre-nups...

Therein lies the reason for caution...

Does he really love you...

What would he do if you suddenly had no money...

What would he do if he met another farang woman whom he believed to have much more money than you...

What if he thought he could do what he wanted without you being aware...

A situation occured two years ago in the States with an Irish guy I was in love with. He made less than half the money I did.

We went to a party hosted by a GF of mine; a woman he didn't know... a single professional woman who obviously had more money than I did...

I had not suspected his motives up to that point but my antennas went up after watching his behavior around her as the evening progressed. He realized later I was upset but I made excuses about feeling blue and he let it go.

She called me the next day and told me that not only had he come on to her but he had called her earlier that morning. After talking it over, she and I set up another party at her house two weeks later.

He took the bait, hook line and sinker and I confronted the drunken b*stard trying to put the make on her.

It broke my heart to bits ...and he had the gall to to tell me he wasn't doing what I saw him doing.

Like a moon struck school girl, I forgave the sweet talker and four months later he pulled several other stunts.

I finally told him it was OVER... I never talked to him again.

He was not my soul-mate ...even though I *wanted* him to be.

Even though I initially trusted him, its better to know than to hope... even if it hurts.

I deserve what I give, darn it ...and so do you Daizeez.

Perhaps your guy is for real... perhaps he is not... but its better to find out for sure and sooner rather than later... I think.

-purrrrr

[daizeez]

Perhaps your guy is for real... perhaps he is not... but its better to find out for sure and sooner rather than later...

you're definitely right about that...

[bina]

to add some more very verbose thoughts:

i was in a cross cultural marriage for 21 years, including three kids, parentsin law and brother's in law living next door (on kibbutz)... i'm still there every friday for dinner, get along with my ex's new woman, etc.

my thai boyfriend i met in israel; we knew each other three years as employer/employee (work partners) before we moved forward. a year after he went home i went to visit him ; it was wierd to see him in his own environment but i saw that his personality was the same; i got a long very well with mother and family (have no problem sleeping on floor, cold showers or eating red ants)...etc.

they know me as the 'boss' but he said his mother suspects (and likes the fact) that i am more to him than that... we didnt even sleep together the time i was there since we arent married.

he phones once a month (he speaks fluent hebrew and i, basic issan thai); i phone once a month

**i also send letters thru a translation service (lots of money but worth every penny).

he says the letters help explain better what i say on the phone since connections are bad and we are always pressured for time/moneycost.

now he is going to the states for three years as migrant labourer; we will see what will happen. he wants to build a house and make enough to support both him and me, as i am penniless (his family knows this).

in three years who knows what will be but he is super serious if not a bit hard headed sometimes too.

i have a college educ., he barely did 6 years. but i am also a farmer like him, we both lay every thing on the table (a little bit not thailike), neither of us want any more children which relieves a lot of pressure and arguementation about child rearing

the best suggestion i have is to see your boyfriend in the worst times i.e.

*in daily routine situations

*can you deal with being alone sometimes in a foreign country

* can you deal sitting thru entire meals without understanding one word

*can u deal with being ill and having to deal with culturally different attitudes towards sick people

* do you like to go out on your own to different events, possibly your thai boyfriend may not like that if you dont go out with a group of other women, etc etc etc....

but almost nothing is irreversible, here i am in a foreign country divorced but independant, with friends i've made over the years (mostly, i admit, are other anglos, israeli women are harder to get on with as close friends)... the same applies in thailand or in timbuktu... and i'm wondering if in three years i will pick up and move to thailand just when my oldest daughter goes in to army, etc etc...

which is why i read these posts all the time

[Crocs]

Daiseez you're getting some pretty good advice here. I must say I can't get a sense of whether it will work or not - and that's because I don't have clue about who you are - although you did reveal that you are Canadian.

How old are you and how old is beach guy ? Personally I think if your ages are not similar then you have to double the caution factor - especially if you are the elder one.

What are YOUR expecations in 5-10 years time, would you be happy living on a Thai island, would you expect to have some kind of career in Thailand, would you want to have the option of having him return to Canada with you. These expectaions are just as important an indicator as the guys true feelings.

From what's been written here, female-farnag relationships with Thai-guys, even up-country guys CAN work (wonderfully). But there are two sides to a relationship, and even if beach-guy is a real gem, the relationship won't run on initial sparks forever. Have you started learning Thai, for example, if not and you have 8 months I would suggest you should aim to become semi-conversational before then.

Maybe an idea to start your own topic on this, as the thread started as a general question on Thai men. Keep us updated this is interesting ! !

[daizeez]

Maybe an idea to start your own topic on this, as the thread started as a general question on Thai men. Keep us updated this is interesting ! !

hmmm...i guess i will start my own post. it's probably a good idea, in case anyone else has other things they want to talk about with regards to this topic...that way no one has to read about it if they really don't want to

i will comment on your post in the new thread....

[sbk]

But there are two sides to a relationship, and even if beach-guy is a real gem, the relationship won't run on initial sparks forever.

Crocs, you are absolutely correct, I think this is why most marriages fail, and I don't mean just thai-farang marriages, but marriages back home too. People go into it 'madly in love' and when the sparks die down (as they do, after a few years you start asking yourself, "can I live with these annoying traits of my partner?") alot of people consider that a failure of the relationship and immediately start looking for someone newto give them "sparks". The key is to not only ask yourself if these annoying habits are livable but to look at your own annoying habits and realize your partner asks the same questions.

There is a good reason for the traditional marriage vows like "in good times and bad" and "in sickness and in health". It should make the people getting married see that not everything will be wildly romantic and that there will be hard times. Unfortunately most people go into things with rose colored glasses on and then get a cruel shock when things get hard.

[Bluecat]

But there are two sides to a relationship, and even if beach-guy is a real gem, the relationship won't run on initial sparks forever.

Crocs, you are absolutely correct, I think this is why most marriages fail, and I don't mean just thai-farang marriages, but marriages back home too. People go into it 'madly in love' and when the sparks die down (as they do, after a few years you start asking yourself, "can I live with these annoying traits of my partner?")

I think it was said before but LOVE in the "pure" sense of the word is a chemical reaction generated by experiences you lived in your childhood.

Unachieved business in your childhood that is related mainly to your mother or father.

If your relationship is based on that, chances are it will fail because you do not "control" it, it controls you.

And it takes a maximum of three years for the "good feeling" to go, remains the empathy for the partner.

If you did not have it in the first place, well,...

[naomisri]

He doesn't speak much English but my Thai has gotten very good, hence the ability to enjoy the simpler ways of life (and lots of slapstick).

This is such a bonus if you don't meet your man "ready made". It's such great fun creating your own comedy and language

I have been married to my Thai man for the grand total of 4 months. I too live in basic accommodation in Thailand whilst used to having a career and making my own money. If we were in the UK I would be straight out there earning the amount we needed to have the standards that I was accustomed too. It doesn't work like that in Thailand though. Loyalty to a company means a great deal and you often have to work your way up the pay scale. I love my life in Thailand though and realise it was overcomplicted before I lived here.

I met a truly unique man - one I couldn't imagine finding in any culture accross the globe. It helped that he is Thai, I'm sure he wouldn't be that perfect combination of gentle and strong at the same time if he wasn't. If there's one thing I've realised he would do anything to please me, but there's no changing him - he's gonna keep on walking that worn old path. Fortunately he's good at showing me why he does things, without the need to endlessly analyse.

I wouldn't like to generalise, bcos I can see that I have a one in a million, but personally my experience has only been enriched by his Thai culture. Fortunately he doesn't have any family/marital role issues that has driven some wild!