Possibly Getting Involved With Thai Guy

[Bellatrix]

I met a nice boy while I was living in Sisaket and we became friendly, quite fancied him but kept quiet on it due to practicality, however when I was leaving (I've just moved to Ubon) he asked for my phone number and we've chatted on the phone a couple of times and it's been established that something's happening with us, he's planning to visit in two weeks and I have NFI how all this stuff works in Thailand. Was feeling very happy about everything but now feeling rather nervous as I'm not sure what his expectations are, what is and isn't considered respectable behaviour for women here etc.

What do I need to know?

Edited September 29, 2006 by Bellatrix

[Soph]

DONT DO IT! Ha ha only joking, sure ill get some jip for that comment, but i really dont mean it, that is just my very sheltered personal opinion. Sure you can get some better advice off some of the other ladies here, so I will leave it there. Good luck by the way

[britmaveric]

Like any new relationship proceed slowly and with caution. Chok Dee

[GuestHouse]

Regardless of nationality/gender my view is it is always best to start any kind of relationship on neutral ground, at least that way your options remain open.

As things seem to be I think, unless he is financially independent, there is a real risk of him turning up and becoming a burden on you.

Where's he going to stay?

How long is he going to stay?

How is he going to keep himself?

What if you change your mind?

To avoid the usual voyeuristic pleasure these posts present, I'd start by PM'ing some of the women members so you can get more candid answers.

But if it was me and someone I thought I might start a relationship with was offering to travel halfway across the country to meet up, I'd probably tell them to stay where they are an I'll visit them. So I control when I go, where I stay and when/if I decide to move on.

[Sheryl]

As a Westerner you have a great deal more freedom in your actions (in terms of what is and isn't OK to do) than a Thai woman would. Also, Thai mores are changing fast and the younger generation, at least in the urban areas, are quite foward in their sexual and romantic behavior. However, your guy is from Sisaket, where things are a bit more traditional. Anyhow, you'll both be in unchartered territory. He won't expect you to be Thai, he know's you are farang. The importnat thing is to communicate openly and often. Nothing wrong with saying outright "I don't know your customs" or "I'm not sure if this is OK to do in Thailand.." etc. And explain about customs where you come from, so he'll understand where you are coming from. Assume nothing, always ask.

The best relationship I ever had was with a Thai man. One of the things that I think really made it work was that we never assumed we knew what something signified to the other; we asked, and took extra care to communicate clearly and check our impressions before jumping to conclusions.

If your relationship works out, it will be through the two of you finding a middle ground between your two cultures which is comfortable for both of you. It will not be through your behaving like a Thai nor his becoming westernized...although you'll adapt some Thai ways and he'll adapt some Western ways. In effect you tailor-make your own two-person culture. It can be a lot of fun, actually.

One point that you need to consider -- and bring up if the relationship turns serious -- is sexual fidelity. Make your expectations on this very clear, including as regards prostitutes (which a lot of Thai men feel don't count as cheating). I would also suggest you either ask him to get an HIV test or always use condoms, if things progress to that stage. (Don't mean to frighten you...but I'm in Public Health, and there is a lot of HIV in Thailand...)

Good luck!

[meme]

As a Westerner you have a great deal more freedom in your actions (in terms of what is and isn't OK to do) than a Thai woman would. Also, Thai mores are changing fast and the younger generation, at least in the urban areas, are quite foward in their sexual and romantic behavior. However, your guy is from Sisaket, where things are a bit more traditional. Anyhow, you'll both be in unchartered territory. He won't expect you to be Thai, he know's you are farang. The importnat thing is to communicate openly and often. Nothing wrong with saying outright "I don't know your customs" or "I'm not sure if this is OK to do in Thailand.." etc. And explain about customs where you come from, so he'll understand where you are coming from. Assume nothing, always ask.

The best relationship I ever had was with a Thai man. One of the things that I think really made it work was that we never assumed we knew what something signified to the other; we asked, and took extra care to communicate clearly and check our impressions before jumping to conclusions.

If your relationship works out, it will be through the two of you finding a middle ground between your two cultures which is comfortable for both of you. It will not be through your behaving like a Thai nor his becoming westernized...although you'll adapt some Thai ways and he'll adapt some Western ways. In effect you tailor-make your own two-person culture. It can be a lot of fun, actually.

One point that you need to consider -- and bring up if the relationship turns serious -- is sexual fidelity. Make your expectations on this very clear, including as regards prostitutes (which a lot of Thai men feel don't count as cheating). I would also suggest you either ask him to get an HIV test or always use condoms, if things progress to that stage. (Don't mean to frighten you...but I'm in Public Health, and there is a lot of HIV in Thailand...)

Good luck!

Excellent post Sheryl. I agree agree agree!!

[bina]

read my common sense rules on the sexual harrassment post

also, if u are a fast mover, then he will follow and he might think u are very serious; if u are a slow mover, let him know (i am a believer in first date, second date stuff... get a chance to get to know him )... either way, just like any other date with a new man, proceed with caution, let your girlfriends know, dont put yourself in situations that u cant get out of, and if u have mutual friends, u can always ask about him.... just like u would any wehre else (well i assume u would)... and yes, condoms

i'm marrying my man in one month after a year of ups and downs, including some jeolousy issues (he is, and i choose to deal with it rather than re educate, it doesnt threaten me but for women who go out often or have many men friends, this can be a very big issue), but i waited the year to, among other things, get to see him at his best and his worst even though he wanted to marry me two weeks after we met... thai men can be very persistant and dont always like the answer 'no'... in this case his persistance won me over

good luck

bina

[donna]

if you like this guy, i think go for it. proceed slowly and with caution. there are many people (men and women) on this forum who will tell you that all thai men are dirty rats. but there are many people here who will also deny that.

i am one of those.

a few of my friends are in genuine, monogamous relationships with thai men (and i am bordering on a relationship with a lovely thai man at the moment). i do not believe that these men fit into the mould of dirty rotten scoundrel, and there ARE some good ones out there.

if you are lucky enough to stumble across one of the good ones grab hold of him and dont let him go!

i wish you lots of luck and happiness.

Edited September 30, 2006 by donna

[girlx]

definitely take it slow- feel out how you communicate best despite your cultural differences and try to improve upon it. don't sleep with him right off the bat, and use condoms and realize that thai males are not known for monogamy. be careful not to move him in with you unless he agrees to keep his own source of income. take a look at his reputation where he lives, amongst friends, family, and acquaintances before you decide to trust him at face value. most of these things would be good to take into account in any relationship.

[donna]

forgot to mention - dont change your standards just because you are in thailand and just because he is thai.

if you wouldnt go out with a guy back home who wasnt working, then why do it here?

if you wouldnt take a man back who cheated on you at home, why do it here?

stick to your standards and take the same precautions you would with any man back in your home country.

[Boo]

most of these things would be good to take into account in any relationship

This is very true. Starting a relationship with anyone take some caution & every women I know would be checking around about ANY new guy regardless of where he comes from. The added issues with someone from a different country who speaks a different langaugue is the misunderstandings/miscommunications that occur & local & socail manners which WILL be different to yours.

If you like him & can deal with the issues that will come up then you could have a rewarding & happy time with this man but no one knows what is going to happen when they meet someone, there ae no guarantees in anything in life

So goslow, have fun with it & if unsure ALWAYS make sure to be honest & speak up. Sooooo many times I have seem women complain about something their (man) does but when questioned, admit that they never raised it in the beginning so don't feel they can sort it out now!

[jdinasia]

forgot to mention - dont change your standards just because you are in thailand and just because he is thai.

if you wouldnt go out with a guy back home who wasnt working, then why do it here?

if you wouldnt take a man back who cheated on you at home, why do it here?

stick to your standards and take the same precautions you would with any man back in your home country.

Cheers to that Donna!

I have been saying in the Gay forum almost the same thing for years! Don't date guys you wouldn't date at home!

The other thing is REALLY take time to get to KNOW someone ... character is revealed over time and through actions! <if in doubt ---- walk away!>

[Bellatrix]

Thanks guys...

At this stage I'm planning on taking it very slowly - the whole situation is terribly impractical, but I'm curious to find out whether it will be worth our whiles. Better than wondering forever, but I'm not too emotionally invested at this point.

Right now all that's happening is that he may be coming to visit, this would not be for longer than a weekend as we both have commitments during the week.

If I wanted a quick fling I'd find something more convenient, but he seems like a pretty special guy, so I'm curious to see if there's anything to it.

Can anyone give any info on how dating generally works in Thailand (in Isaan especially), both traditionally and "these days"... we're in our early 20s.

[donna]

sure. as with any new relationship (here or in the west), the rose coloured glasses are on, he is on his best behaviour and all seems wonderful.

ive been there done that (not TOO many times, mind )

some were lovely relationships, others not so.

just make sure that you dont cut him too much slack 'just because he is thai'. sure, there are things you need to compromise on, but thats the same in any relationship.

[berries]

Can anyone give any info on how dating generally works in Thailand (in Isaan especially), both traditionally and "these days"... we're in our early 20s.

I have two female farang friends, both with boyfriends from Issan and also in their early twenties. Both men had had previous relationships with Thai women which involved lots of giggling, teddy buying, occasional holding of hands - and nothing else. Let's just say that their relationships with their farang girlfriends were a bit more 'grown up'. Things moved along at the usual western pace - as in fairly quickly. They're all still together two years on (both now living with their boyfriends, met the parents, been back to their home countries on holiday) so the quicker pace didn't seem to do any damage.

[Bellatrix]

which involved lots of giggling, teddy buying, occasional holding of hands

The wording of that just cracked me up hehehehehe

Thank you so much everyone for your generous advice - I'm going to call him tomorrow and try to get a bit more of a picture of what's going on

[sylvafern]

Good luck for meeting up with this guy again - I hope it all goes well .... you never know how things will turn out so it's definitely worth persuing if you think there might be something there.

When I lived in Isaan (Khon Kaen during 1998/99) when we went out to a pub type place, a guy would show they liked someone by sending what we called 'pink slips'. He'd write a message or phone number on a piece of tissue (which was always pink) and get the waiter to bring it over, sometimes accompanied by one of those 5/10 baht roses. Nothing to do with your post, but got me reminising (sp?) of the good old times .... .... don't know if that was unique to Khon Kaen or not, but I wonder if 'pink slips' are still given these days.

[meme]

Good luck for meeting up with this guy again - I hope it all goes well .... you never know how things will turn out so it's definitely worth persuing if you think there might be something there.

When I lived in Isaan (Khon Kaen during 1998/99) when we went out to a pub type place, a guy would show they liked someone by sending what we called 'pink slips'. He'd write a message or phone number on a piece of tissue (which was always pink) and get the waiter to bring it over, sometimes accompanied by one of those 5/10 baht roses. Nothing to do with your post, but got me reminising (sp?) of the good old times .... .... don't know if that was unique to Khon Kaen or not, but I wonder if 'pink slips' are still given these days.

My bf who is from a small town in the south got a waiter to bring me a pink tissue that he made into a rose at a pub type place. Sounds like the same thing.

[sylvafern]

My bf who is from a small town in the south got a waiter to bring me a pink tissue that he made into a rose at a pub type place. Sounds like the same thing.

That's it - I had forgotten about the tissue roses!