True Air Traffic Control Stories

[cathyy]

The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline

pilots and control towers from around the world.

1. While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight

departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose

with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the

US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the ###### are you going? I

told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta!

Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference

between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the

embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've

screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay

right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect

progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go

exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got

that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly

silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance

engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.

Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone,

asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

===================================================

2. A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll

out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a

hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are

not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the

lights and return to the airport."

===================================================

3. From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm

f...ing bored!"

Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself

immediately!"

Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f... ing bored, not f... ing stupid!"

===================================================

4. Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,

after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of

the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern

702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from

Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,

we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"

===================================================

5. The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a

short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking

location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it

was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following

exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,

call sign "Speedbird 206".

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not

been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."

===================================================

6. O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a

Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the

little Fokker in sight."

===================================================

7. A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the

following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in

Germany. Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):

"Because you lost the bloody war."

[TizMe]

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver.

He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

[TizMe]

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door bursts open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and a passenger. The passenger happens to be George W Bush. (Why?} Maybe, he was on his way to check on the coca plant life in South America!") The masked gunman held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place."

The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me. The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

The navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the passenger's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

No one said a word, at first, then the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator all brust into laughter. "He's George W Bush!" they laughed. "He doesn't have any brains!"

[TizMe]

An alternative ending to the previous one...

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place." No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, HE'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."