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RedNIvar
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Posts posted by RedNIvar
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Our housekeeper has asked for a pay increase.
My wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a Pay increase?'
Maria: 'Well, Senora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'
Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'
Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband did.'
Wife: 'Oh.'
Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you..'
Wife: (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'
Maria: 'No Senora...the gardener did.'
Wife: 'So how much do you want?'
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A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple
heart bypass surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns
at a Catholic Hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to
ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for all the treatment he
has had.
The nun asked, "Do you have health insurance?"
The patient replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
Then the nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"
The patient replied, "No money in the bank."
Somewhat impatient the then nun asked, "Do you have a relative who be willing to
help you settle the account for your treatment?"
The patient said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters!
Nuns are married to God."
The patient retorted, "Then send the bill to my brother in law."
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A father put his three years old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'
The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy; it just seemed like the thing to do.'
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma..'
The next day the grandmother died. 'Holy mackerel!' thought the father. This kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later, when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.'
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night, and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured that, if he could get by until midnight, he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home, his sleeping wife awoke and said, 'I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?'
He said 'I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life.'
She said, 'You think you had a bad day. You'll never believe what happened to me. This morning, my golf instructor dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!'
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A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET.
HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE
WHAT'S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK.
BUT ABOUT EVERY 10 SECONDS OR SO HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN,
GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND
HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF THE HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE".
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MUMMY... I JUST HAVEN'T DONE IT YET. "
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES.
BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "IT WORKS ON THE TOMATO SAUCE BOTTLE!"
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Daddy, how was I born?
A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born ?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button , nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said
'Yo got Male!
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Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW .
In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Outside a London second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE
ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate
with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world :
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES .
Hotel, Acapulco :
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER .
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO .
In a Calcutta Coffee House:
PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS
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Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
<deleted> thing up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
Paddy goes to the doctor with a bad back.
"How did you get it?" asks the Doctor.
"Having s*x doggy style!" says Paddy.
"Why not have s*x the normal way?" asks Doctor.
"I have" says Paddy "but the dog keeps licking my face!"
Paddy was driving home, p*ssed as a newt, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For <deleted> sake Paddy, that's your air freshener!"
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his
feet.
"What the <deleted> you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't <deleted> breathe".
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Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied a ship in
distress. "Follow me, son," the father shark said to the son shark
and they swam to the ship. "First we swim around the people in the
water with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all
of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody."
And they did. When they were both gorged, the son **asked, "Dad, why
didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and
around them? **" *
*His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the
shit inside!"
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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the
phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a
bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.
She said:………… "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."
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If you are in a book store and cannot find the book you are looking for, you're obviously in the
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At dawn the telephone rings . . .
"Hello, Senor Dave?" This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country
house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Dave, that your parrot - he
is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"dam_n! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did
he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor dave.""Rotten meat? Who the hell fed
him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Senor Dave."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Dave, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??"
"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the
curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle??!!"
"Yes, Senor Dave."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Dave." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Dave. She showed up very late one night and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super
Quad 460 driver golf club."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!"
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A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 120mph; enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his old napper.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying pushing the pedal to the floor even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nut case as he floored it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on Earth am I doing? I'm too old for this silly nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of The BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman.
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A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect, sometimes producing an anticlimax. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. (I have to remember this one)
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire..
Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theatre and Sporting Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But if you don't make an appointment, you'll stay sick.
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Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5.
Sincerely,
Unicorns
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection.
Enjoy fantasizing about that.
Sincerely,
Logic
Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch.
Sincerely,
The Titanic
Dear J.K. Rowling,
Your books are entirely unrealistic. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Sincerely,
Anonymous
Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,
Canada
Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely,
Spiders
Dear Voldemort,
So they screwed up your nose too?
Sincerely,
Michael Jackson
Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying...
Sincerely,
Google
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead.
Sincerely,
BP
Dear 2010,
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? <deleted> happened?!
Sincerely,
1985
Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely,
King Triton
Dear Rose,
There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us.
Sincerely,
Jack
Dear Windshield Wipers,
Can't touch this.
Sincerely,
That Little Triangle
Dear Taylor Swift,
If it is of any interest to you, Romeo and Juliet both kill themselves in the end.
Sincerely,
Shakespeare
Dear Soccer Fans,
B B B B B B Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z
Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z Z!
Sincerely,
Vuvuzelas
Dear Saturn,
I liked it, so I put a ring on it.
Sincerely,
God
Dear Rubik's Cube,
Done!
Sincerely,
Colourblind
Dear Santa,
Please tell me how you managed to stop at three Ho's.
Sincerely,
Tiger Woods
Dear Boys Wearing Skinny Jeans,
I - Can't - Breathe.
Sincerely,
Your Balls
Dear Martin Luther King Jr.,
I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream... What now?
Sincerely,
Leonardo DiCaprio
Dear Sleeping Beauty,
I had to join the army, dress up like a man, defeat the hun army and totally save China for my man.
All you had to do was wake up.
Sincerely,
Mulan
Dear Romeo,
My death isn't the only thing I've been faking...
Sincerely,
Juliet
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely,
Unimpressed
Dear Sex Educators,
Abstinence is only 99.99% effective.
Sincerely,
The Virgin Mary
Dear Toaster,
Just gonna stand there and watch me burn?
Sincerely,
Toast
Dear Edward,
I really hope that one day, I can find my way into your heart.
Sincerely,
a stake
Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely,
Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, and Sleeping Beauty
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Sorry. If only I could paste it in small caps,I would have.
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IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH A PROSTITUTE AGAINST HER WILL, IS IT CONSIDERED RAPE OR SHOPLIFTING?
CAN YOU CRY UNDER WATER?
HOW IMPORTANT DOES A PERSON HAVE TO BE BEFORE THEY ARE CONSIDERED ASSASSINATED INSTEAD OF JUST MURDERED?
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO "PUT YOUR TWO CENTS IN"... BUT IT'S ONLY A "PENNY FOR YOUR THOUGHTS"? WHERE'S THAT EXTRA PENNY GOING TO?
ONCE YOU'RE IN HEAVEN, DO YOU GET STUCK WEARING THE CLOTHES YOU WERE BURIED IN FOR ETERNITY?
WHY DOES A ROUND PIZZA COME IN A SQUARE BOX ?
WHAT DISEASE DID CURED HAM ACTUALLY HAVE?
HOW IS IT THAT WE PUT A MAN ON THE MOON BEFORE WE FIGURED OUT IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO PUT WHEELS ON LUGGAGE?
WHY IS IT THAT PEOPLE SAY THEY "SLEPT LIKE A BABY " WHEN BABIES WAKE UP LIKE EVERY TWO HOURS?
IF A DEAF PERSON HAS TO GO TO COURT, IS IT STILL CALLED A HEARING?
WHY ARE YOU IN A MOVIE, BUT YOU'RE ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
WHY DO DOCTORS LEAVE THE ROOM WHILE YOU CHANGE? THEY'RE GOING TO SEE YOU NAKED ANYWAY.
WHY IS "BRA" SINGULAR AND "PANTIES" PLURAL?
WHY DO TOASTERS ALWAYS HAVE A SETTING THAT BURNS THE TOAST TO A HORRIBLE CRISP, WHICH NO DECENT HUMAN BEING WOULD EAT ?
IF JIMMY CRACKS CORN AND NO ONE CARES, WHY IS THERE A STUPID SONG ABOUT HIM?
CAN A HEARSE CARRYING A CORPSE DRIVE IN THE CARPOOL LANE ?
IF THE PROFESSOR ON GILLIGAN'S ISLAND CAN MAKE A RADIO OUT OF A COCONUT, WHY CAN'T HE FIX A HOLE IN A BOAT?
WHY DOES GOOFY STAND ERECT WHILE PLUTO REMAINS ON ALL FOURS? THEY'RE BOTH DOGS!
IF WILE E. COYOTE HAD ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY ALL THAT ACME CRAP, WHY DIDN'T HE JUST BUY DINNER?
IF CORN OIL IS MADE FROM CORN, AND VEGETABLE OIL IS MADE FROM VEGETABLES, WHAT IS BABY OIL MADE FROM?
IF ELECTRICITY COMES FROM ELECTRONS, DOES MORALITY COME FROM MORONS?
WHY DO THE ALPHABET SONG AND TWINKLE, TWINKLE LITTLE STAR HAVE THE SAME TUNE?
WHY DID YOU JUST TRY SINGING THE TWO SONGS ABOVE ?
WHY DO THEY CALL IT AN ASTEROID WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE THE HEMISPHERE, BUT CALL IT A HEMORRHOID WHEN IT'S IN YOUR ASS?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
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When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro — what a rip off!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
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To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a . . . dead giveaway.
If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name . .. . and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . .. resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . . He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . . jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; . . .. it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be . . . exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she'd dye.
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The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
Cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .
It was absolutely wonderful,
It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows,
So they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but
Whenever the bull tried to mount the cow,
The cow would move away.
No matter what approach the bull tried,
The cow would move away from the bull,
And he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to
The Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and
Ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward.
When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this
Before asking,
"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned
That they had brought the cow over from Scotland .
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.
"How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye:
"My wife is from Scotland "
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A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had
great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked
her how she liked it .
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and
all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were
killing each other over 25 cents ."
Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the
quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents !!!!"
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They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.
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haiter the perfume type should work,cheap toooooo
They use that for anal bleaching.
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What is the definition of a Lesbian?
Yet another dam_n Woman trying to do a Man's job!!
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Worst Joke Ever
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
Posted
Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy
Marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems
By taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the
Beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed
A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side
Underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.'
Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a
Spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he
Wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's
Insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man
Opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested
Inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to
Accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Woolworths store. There, he surprised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........
The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the
Murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie
Had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the
Hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard,
Who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested
Before he could even leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie
Revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial
Arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ..
'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 AT WOOLWORTHS!'