Zyxel

Golf cart accident While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon. A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?" "I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help." The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. "Well, OK," he finally agreed. After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said: “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now." "Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?" He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes: Dear Granddaughter, The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a ‘Honk if you love Jesus’ bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ‘For the love of God!’ ‘Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!’ What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but I noticed the light had changed. So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Will write again soon. Love, Grandma

This old lady handed her bank card to the teller and said “I would like to withdraw $10”. The teller told her “for withdrawals less than $100, please use the ATM. The old lady wanted to know why... The teller returned her bank card and irritably told her “these are the rules, please leave if there is no further matter. There is a line of customers behind you”. The old lady remained silent for a few seconds and handed her card back to the teller and said “please help me withdraw all the money I have.” The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and respectfully told her “you have $300,000 in your account but the bank doesn’t have that much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come back again tomorrow? The old lady then asked how much she could withdraw immediately. The teller told her any amount up to $3000. “Well please let me have $3000 now.” The teller kindly handed $3000 very friendly and with a smile to her. The old lady put $10 in her purse and asked the teller to deposit $2990 back into her account. The moral of this story is.... Don’t be difficult with old people, they spent a lifetime learning the skill.

Don't you just hate it when you're sending a text, and you’re so rudely interrupted by a stupid jogger, bouncing off your windscreen?

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. The wife asks, "Do you know her?" "Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." "My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

An atheist was walking through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!" Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen

A chinese was on a train. Sitting opposite him was a jewish american. Efter conversing for a while, the Jewish guy slapped the Chinese on the face. The Chinese surprised asked ‘’what's that for’’. The Jewish answered’’ that's for the Americans who died in pearl harbour, when you guys attacked us’’. ‘ ’But that was the Japanese ‘’ the Chinese defended himself. ‘’Well, Japanese, Chinese who can tell the differences’’ said the Jews. The Chinese promptly stood up and slapped the Jews on the face. The Jews shocked asked ‘’what's that for’’ ‘’ That's for sinking the titanic’, said the Chinese. ‘’but that was en iceberg’’ the Jews said. The Chinese replied’’ iceberg, Goldberg, who can tell the differences’’.