PattayaOneTeam

The truth about the Thai offer of a herd of elephants to fight for Abraham Lincoln in the American Civil

War When President James Buchanan of the United States penned a letter to King Mongkut (Rama IV) of Siam in May 1859 and included 192 books of US government publications in the accompanying package, the resultant reply from the Thai monarch led to some misconceptions which continue to this day.

In May 1856 a commercial agreement between the United States and Siam known as the Harris Treaty was signed and later ratified by the United States Senate. As a way of further cementing their relations, James Buchanan, then President of the United States, sent King Mongkut a gift comprising 192 books of US government publications. These arrived in 1860, a presidential election year.

Mongkut responded to this gift by sending a sword in a gold scabbard inlaid with silver, a daguerreotype portrait of himself with the future King Chulalongkorn, and a pair of elephant tusks as presents for the American president.

Included in this selection of gifts was a letter, dated 14 February 1861. Mongkut realised the length of time taken by a voyage between Bangkok and Washington DC, and was aware presidential elections had taken place the previous November, so his letter, while addressed to James Buchanan, took account of the fact the latter may no longer have been in office. After the usual salutary greetings, Mongkut notes his receipt of an official letter from President Buchanan, '…to us from Washington dated at Washington 10th May Anno Christi 1859 which was Wednesday 10th night of Waxing moon in the Lunar month of Visakh, the 6th month reckoning from the commencement of the cold Season in the Year of Goat- 1st Decade of the Siamese Astronomical Era 1221, with a package of Books…'

Mongkut then goes on to make the point the reply is made to Buchanan 'or to whomsoever the people have elected anew as Chief ruler in [his] place …'Benefits

The letter and the gifts were entrusted to a Captain Berrien of the USS John Adams, which had paid a courtesy call on Bangkok on behalf of the US government. Mongkut notes, 'During the interview in reply from Captain Berrien to our enquiries of various particulars relating to America, he stated that on that continent there are no elephants. Elephants are regarded as the most remarkable of the large quadrupeds…so that if any one has an elephants' tusk of large size, and will deposit it in any public place, people come by thousands crowding to see it… 'Having heard this it has occurred to us that, if on the continent of America there should be several pairs of young male and female elephants turned loose in forests where there was abundance of water and grass in any region under the Sun's declinations both North and South called by the English the Torrid Zone- and all were forbidden to molest them; to attempt to raise them would be well and if the climate there should prove favourable to elephants, we are of opinion that after a while they will increase till there be large herds as there are on the Continent of Asia until the inhabitants of America will be able to catch them and tame and use them as beasts of burden making them benefit to the country.' The letter went on to extol the benefits of elephants to the construction of roads and stated Mongkut would be happy to send the animals to the United States if they so desired, but Siam did not have the means to be able to convey the beasts. He therefore asked that if 'the President… and Congress who conjointly with him rule the country see fit to approve let them provide a large vessel loaded with hay and other food suitable for elephants on the voyage, with tanks holding a sufficiency of fresh water, and arranged with stalls so that the elephants can both stand & lie down in the ship- and send it to receive them. We on our part will procure young male and female elephants and forward them one or two pairs at a time.'Pets

By the time the gifts and the letter offering the elephants arrived in the United States, Abraham Lincoln was President. His reply to King Mongkut was a masterpiece of diplomatic tact and courtesy. 'Your majesty's letters show an understanding that our laws forbid the President from receiving these rich presents as personal treasures. They are therefore accepted in accordance with Your Majesty's desire as tokens of your good will and friendship for the American People…' Lincoln went on to address the offer of elephants, diplomatically stating, 'I appreciate most highly Your Majesty's tender of…a stock from which a supply of elephants might be raised on our own soil. This Government would not hesitate to avail itself of so generous an offer if the object were one which could be made practically useful in the present condition of the United States. 'Our political jurisdiction, however, does not reach a latitude so low as to favour the multiplication of the elephant, and steam…has been our best and most efficient agent of transportation in internal commerce.' Basically, thanks, but no thanks.

For some strange reason, the contents of the original letter have been distorted to the extent there has arisen a belief King Mongkut did indeed send a herd of elephants which were received and kept by James Buchanan and kept as pets, while others are under the impression Mongkut's offer was made direct to Abraham Lincoln suggesting elephants could be used to help the Union in its struggle with the Confederacy following the outbreak of the American Civil War in 1861.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-16

Nightmarch

Seating for Dwarves and Garden Gnomes: I don't recall ever spending a night on the tiles where the seating, and the quality thereof, became almost the focal point of the entire exercise. Yet this is what I found myself increasingly being concerned with during a reconnaissance of the seven go-go bars around the Soi 7 and 8 area. Maybe if your backside has enough comfortable trackside then the overall experience of watching a bevy of cavorting damsels dance around the chrome poles is enhanced, albeit subtly.

Now, before some bum decides that maybe the problem is not the furnishings in the dens I'm about to write about but in fact has more to do with my own protruding posterior, I can assure you dear reader that my rear end does not resemble the back of a bus.

First port of call was the Sexy go-go in Soi 7. It's at the Second Road end of the soi and has had a couple of owners and gone under different names over the few years it has been in operation. The music (although too loud) is the best thing about a joint that really needs someone to spend a few baht turning it from resembling an abandoned warehouse into a proper…think of a word that also begin with a 'w' and ends in 'house'. The bench-style seating along the right-hand side wall is narrow and bumpy, the upholstery having long ago surrendered to the pounding of bigger-boned persons placing their buttocks upon the cheap vinyl.

The seven dancing damsels (Dopey, Sleazy, Sneezy, Happy, Bashful, Grumpy and Grumpier) were of average physical charms with at least six of them better suited to serving behind the confines of a beer boozer rather than disporting their apparel in a go-go. Lady drinks are a standard 100 baht while draft amber fluid is the discounted thirst-quencher at 50 baht a glass.

Towards the Beach Road end of Soi 7 is the Silver Star 2 go-go bar. This is usually quite busy and has a small battalion of dancing maidens caressing the chrome poles on the small stage at the entrance or keeping their important orifices clean in the Jacuzzi further into the den. Apparel tends to be almost optional, at least when it comes to the upper body; I wonder how many of the wallet emptiers must spend a percentage of their salary fighting off chest infections?

While there are no real stunners in the place the majority of the dancers are young and lissome and appear to enjoy the loud car alarm music. The bench seating to the left of the entrance is also narrow, but without the bumps experienced in Sexy.

Draft goes off at 65 baht a glass.

A few doors closer to Beach Road, the relatively new Clinic go-go is still yet to find the right kind of medicine that will make it a real winner. The 20-plus crew of chrome pole molesters is a mixed bunch with some quite attractive young ladies, although they appeared to suffer from the same 'my guano is odourless' attitude prevalent in so many dens in Fun Town. The dress code is freestyle, similar to that of the damsels in Heaven Above in Soi Diamond. The white décor owes much to the aforementioned Heaven Above, but the bench seats are, like Sexy and Silver Star 2, narrow. The music, as you might expect, is standard loud car alarm. Draft froth is 65 baht while other libations start at 100 baht and work up.

Around the corner on the way to Soi 8 is the long-established World Wide go-go. At last here was a place where the bench seating was wide and comfortable. The music was good and at a sensible decibel level. The hostesses are dressed like casino croupiers while the dancers are clearly attuned to the punters who are newcomers compared to the expats and long-termers. Plenty of uncovered flesh on show, although one overweight dancer could definitely use a Weight Watchers voucher for her next birthday.

Draft amber (Singha) is 55 baht a glass while the bottled variety is 70 baht and other thirst quenchers go higher than this.

Into Soi 8 and the original Silver Star go-go. Basically, refer to my comments above for Silver Star 2 as this place runs along the same lines.

The First go-go has been closed and then tried as a coyote den since the last time I wandered in. Back to being a go-go again I really don't know how it survives. Not that it's the worst place I've ever seen, far from it. The joint is in a bad location, being stuck behind a gauntlet of beer boozers and had just five dancers when I wandered in, and one of those was a ladyboy. It runs a happy hour from 7:00 until 10:00pm with bottled amber froth at 70 baht (no draft), so the incentive for the budget-conscious expat is removed. The music is good and not too loud; there's a pool table (20 baht a game) and the bar fine is 600 baht. I left thinking, 'how much longer?'

At the top of Soi 8 is Sexy Girls go-go. It expanded into the old U2 beer boozer about six months ago and has lost a little of the old intimacy it once possessed. Most of the dancers are average and reveal little, apart from the Jacuzzi girls of course, but it's the music that makes this a winner. Modelled along the lines of the Tim go-go (Second Road), it features a large screen with music videos: I watched the likes of John Denver, Glen Campbell, Johnny Cash, Neil Young, Robbie Williams, and Pink Floyd while in the den. Worth a look if only for the music.

Low end of the market: Babydolls go-go is, for some people, a crass joint. Others find it, and its ilk (e.g. Windmill Club) confronting. Still others claim it's too much in your face (literally in many cases, even early in the evening). This reaction comes not only from those fairly new to the Dante's Inferno-like maelstrom that is Fun Town, but resident expats of many years standing. I like it, with some reservations. I tend to agree the activities of some patrons and damsels leaves a lot to be desired in terms of decorum, but then a Pattaya go-go bar is, by its very definition, hardly opened as an example of moral rectitude and propriety. You want tea and scones with the vicar on a Sunday you don't come trawling in Pattaya.

I am not alone in liking Babydolls. A poll taken among the members on the www.pattayaddicts.com website finished up with Babydolls being ranked as their number one venue for 2010. OK, 54 votes or 10.71 percent of the total is hardly a ringing endorsement, but it's still better than coming last. For the record, second place, with 47 votes, went to Baccara with Airport third (46 votes) and Happy fourth (45 votes).

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-15

If You Don’t Like it …

It was only some 52,534 years ago that Og was married. The ceremony was brief – Iggy clubbed her over the head with a bit of wood and dragged her to a small clearing in the forest to consummate their union. Honeymoons were unheard of at the time so Og set to work helping Iggy build a comfortable life for them both. Iggy was now happy because his workload had been halved but living out in the open, Og started complaining every time it rained. She hated getting wet.

Eventually, Iggy moved all their possessions – a club and a sharp stone – to a spot beneath an overhanging rock formation. This kept the rain out but Og began complaining it was too hot. Their new home did not catch any cool breezes. To stop her incessant whining, Iggy was faced with a challenge: to find or build a place which would keep the rain out but let the breeze in. After many failed attempts, Iggy constructed the world’s first water-resistant, breeze-catching house and civilization made a giant leap forward.

The reason for the ancient history lesson is simple. Almost on a daily basis, letters are submitted to Pattaya’s popular English language publications by people needing to air a complaint about something. A similar number of letters are written by people complaining about other people complaining. This latter group usually resorts to the hackneyed argument that, “if you don’t like it, go home!” That is the last retort of the defeated and means he has no further sensible lines of reasoning to offer.

Complaints can be divided into several categories – futile, frivolous, legitimate and what I call ‘selfish’ complaints. Futile complaints are made about something over which no-one has control. Complaining about the weather, for instance, or the kid in the back seat of the car continually whining, “Are we there yet?” when travelling a long distance. No amount of bitching will change the weather or greatly affect the time it takes to reach a destination.

It’s out of our hands and the only thing we can do is put up with it or avoid it. Move where the weather is more to our liking and travel by plane next time.

Frivolous complaints are made about something over which there is some control but a decision was involved and a calculated risk was taken. You go to see a movie which turns out to be terrible. Just like the adage about ‘crying over spilt milk’, there is no point complaining about it afterwards. For as much as you may like to, you can’t un-watch it.

Being caught in a traffic jam amounts to the same thing. Had you known the traffic would be that bad you may have taken a different route or left at a different time, but sitting behind the wheel of your gridlocked vehicle, getting angry and moaning about it, solves nothing.

‘Selfish’ complaints overlap the futile and frivolous categories but are unique in the respect that they are all about “me, me, me!” I don’t like kidney, but many people do and nobody is forcing me to eat it. Personal tastes regarding food, movies, actors or authors for instance, should not be confused with legitimate complaints.

Legitimate complaints are about real problems. Peter and Jane are a happily married couple, deeply in love. There is one problem, however. Peter snores, which causes Jane many sleepless nights in what would otherwise be her idyllic life. What should Jane do? Should she tell Peter of the problem or should she keep quiet and put up with it? Of course she should tell Peter so they could work together on a solution. And here is where we make a further stipulation: people making legitimate complaints should also have a solution or alternative in mind. It is no use screaming something is bad unless you also propose how to fix it. First identify the problem then come up with a solution.

Returning to those letters to the editor, complaints are often about Pattaya or Bangkok’s traffic problems. To my knowledge, not one of the writers has ever come up with a workable, reasonable solution. Traffic snarls in both places have been worsening for years and building bigger and better roads will simply bring more cars onto those roads. Making the existing roads and road systems more efficient would help, however, engineers and city planners with years of experience and more degrees than a thermometer have been trying to work that out for decades. If the problem is not solvable, our complaints are reduced to being futile – the problem exists but is not going to go away in the foreseeable future. We just have to work around it.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-14

A New Religion for the 21st Century

by S. Tsow

There's a new religion which has been creating quite a buzz lately. Founded in Mexico, it is rapidly spreading to all corners of the globe.

It's called Enchiladism, because its followers believe that the universe is shaped like an enchilada, which is slowly being unrolled by a deity in the form of a giant panda named Bob.

Einstein believed that the universe was expanding, not unrolling, which just goes to show how much HE knew. To be fair, though, I don't know how anybody could expect Einstein to be right all the time with a haircut like that.

Einstein's error was caused by his pathetic dependence on the inexact science of mathematics, instead of going with what made him feel good. Enchiladism's founder, the prophet Pancho Mendoza, always went with what made him feel good. That is how he happened to discover the truths of Enchiladism in a burst of enlightenment after several bottles of tequila, three hits of LSD, and a dozen snorts of cocaine in the back room of a beer hall in Durango, Mexico, on a sweltering July afternoon in 1984.

Skeptics have raised a question about Bob. They want to know what he'll do with the universe once he finishes unrolling it.

Alas, we don't know. Theologians have been wrestling with this question ever since Prophet Pancho received his revelation on that holy (but sweltering!) afternoon in 1984. It has given rise to three schools of Enchiladist eschatology.

The Big Gulp theory holds that Bob will eat the universe, and we'll all be dead. The Big Rollback theory claims that Bob will inspect his handiwork and roll it back up. In that case, we'll also be dead. The Big Bamboo theory says that Bob will lose interest and amble off to some other dimension to find some bamboo shoots, which are what he REALLY likes to eat.

Skeptics will scoff at the idea of a panda unrolling an enchilada, but don't forget: Bob is a deity. Deities can do some mighty remarkable things. And it's a good idea not to question them too closely, because they're easily irritated, and they're bigger than we are. Check out the Book of Job if you don't believe me.

Now, the area where this amazing new religion really shines is in its theory of the afterlife. This is a highly elaborate and sophisticated doctrine that makes other religions look primitive by comparison. It holds that unbelievers will go to hell, but that believers will ascend to a heavenly paradise called Salsa, where each of them will be given 365 virgins to enjoy for all eternity.

That's one virgin for each day of the year, with an extra thrown in as a bonus on leap years.

Critics have complained that this is a smutty sensualist's paradise that glorifies sexual promiscuity. But there's a catch. For every major sin that the believer committed during his lifetime, one virgin will be deducted from his total stash. This wise dictum ensures that believers will behave with impeccably morality during their earthly sojourn.

Critics also ask if these virgins are wizened 96-year-old hags with toothless gums and withered dugs hanging down to their knees. The answer is no. They are all young and obscenely beautiful, putting contemporary sex goddesses like Paris Hilton, Jessica Alba, and Angelina Jolie to shame.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-13

You Only Live Twice - by Mike Bell

What a paradoxical title Ian Fleming coined for his twelfth Bond book and how strange that in The Land of Lies, Truth should overwhelm Fiction! A Thai novelist is suing the Fleming estate for Intellectual Piracy. Somkinda Tealeaf is claiming that all the Bond plots appeared in Thai comics well before 'Casino Royale' was published in 1953. He claims, for example, that the Ambassador Hotel, that huge Russian ghetto north of Pattaya, was the original setting for 'Royal Casino' before gambling dens were outlawed in Thailand unless owned by the BiB.

To support his claim, Somkinda points to the fact that of the fourteen titles, one- seventh of them contain the word 'gold' or 'golden' - a sure sign of their Thai origin. Fleming is alleged to have subtly changed the titles to avoid detection. 'Muckraker' was the first Pattaya newspaper. 'Lotsa(Octo) Pussy' and 'Pussy Galore' both had their origins down in soi 6. 'Thunderballs' was the local name for an ailment contracted from overdoing things. 'The Guy who loved me,' was a very popular title amongst girls from Isaan. 'Live and Let Me Buy' and 'Diamonds Are Forever or at least until you go home' were less popular because of the overt glorification of shopping. Since Fleming wrote 'From Russia with Love' in 1957, there has been a huge surge of interest with many girls and bar owners taking lessons in that language. Menus have started to appear in Cyrillic script (though you can only buy cabbage.) As there is no Thai word for 'no', 'Dr No' was first entitled 'Dr Maybe' and finally became 'Dr OK-then-but-I-want-500-baht-more.' 'Chitty Shitty Bang Bang' needs no explanation and is definitely not a children's book - nor a Bond one either.

Fleming did not only tinker with the titles. He was not averse to making wholesale changes to the story line. 'For Your Eyes Only' was the poignant tale of a shy lady from Buriram who was asked to reveal all if she wanted a job in a certain Walking Street Go-Go bar. She convinced the farang owner to allow her to maintain her womanly secrets until after they were married. (Too late he discovered 'her' extra equipment.) 'On His Majesty's Secret Service' was the story of intrigue between senior police and army officers as they battled for control of Bangkok.

Many of Bond's supporting cast had their earlier Thai counterparts. Bond's boss, M, recently played by Dame Judy Dench started life as Mor Maah, Thai for horse, or dog, or come, depending on the tone. It is said she was based on the classical Thai actress Ting Tong Macadangdang who has recently appeared on BBC's 'Little Britain'.

In Pattaya there is every kind of villain and all Bond's enemies drew their inspiration from real life characters from Sin City. The popular (he appeared in no fewer than three Bond novels,) Ernst Stavro Blofeld started life as Blow Felt, the sinister mastermind behind Lolitas. Mr Big can be found displaying himself any night of the week in Boys Town. Spang, Drax and Krimmler have all gone respectable and run a team of lawyers specializing in selling houses to farangs. Auric Goldfinger owns a number of precious metal and jewelry shops on Pattaya Klang.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-12

The Globe's Gayest Destination

By James Barnes

Lindsay Lohan. Sex. Star Trek. Conspiracy theory. Britney Spears. Wikipedia. The connection? All these words are included in the most popular Internet searches. Global Googlers united by the disparate. As Pattaya One is available on various online portals, these words will now shine out of the tag clouds and millions of unsuspecting netizens will be delivered, digitally direct to this column. But why? It is not the megalomaniacal fancy of an egotistical hack. Ok. A bit. But there is a message that needs to be so broadcast.

The world lurches from crisis to calamity with the ever-present threat of catastrophe. From slowdown to recession with the risk of depression and the menace of meltdown. Hurricanes and floods, volcanoes and mudslides, snowstorms and droughts intimidate by turn. Despots and crackpots vie for airtime on the rolling news, sensationally soaking the senses of those who view in their masses, safe in the knowledge that they are not suffering from paranoia. Someone or something is out to get them. They just do not know who or what.

Right now, it is 'Pattaya: One Rainbow' that is stalking them. Lured by Lindsay Lohan, Sex, Star Trek, Conspiracy theory, Britney Spears and Wikipedia (double-bubble- yahoo!) through the trusted sieve of search engines, the digital cogs have turned out an unexpected result in inconceivably short nanofractions of time. The news? The good news? The news that will have the news buds quivering with sated fulfilment and fevered satisfaction?

Pattaya is the gayest place on the planet. The globe's gayest destination. It may not be official, but it is patently obvious. To our hordes of new readers (welcome) who may suspect that this is disingenuous, there is but one answer. Get clicking and tapping on the interweb and get your posterior over here- quick smart! Do not dither, dally or dilly. Wherever you are, it cannot, cannot, cannot be gayer than here. Book your flight and Feb will be fab. Ab fab in fact, sweetie. You may find it so fab that you will never want to leave.

In the deserts of Sudan and the gardens of Japan, from Milan to Yucatan, in the wilds of Borneo and the vineyards of Bordeaux, in the dock of Tiger Bay, on the road to Mandalay, from Bombay to Santa Fé you'll find a bit of gay, but in Pattaya , you've got to say, it's in your face, everyday. Yes, more rhythm sticks than you can, well, shake a rhythm stick at. Thanks Mr Drury. Don't you bother with San Francisco, even with those flowers in your hair, come to gay Pattaya, there's gentler people there. Ta muchly, Scott.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-11

GAYMARCH

Email: gaymarchpattayaone [at] gmail.com

Scores of police, from several different agencies, recently descended on Sunee Plaza's dens of iniquity. Apparently, they put on quite a show, blocking off the entrances/exits to the sois and setting up pee test stations in the various bars. Those few unfortunates who didn't get advanced warning and tested positive were carted off. Glad to see that our boys in brown are keeping us safe. I'm also happy that they're not singling out gay entertainment districts as there was a similar spectacle on Soi 6 a day or so before this one. One question: If Bangkok-based police can raid Pattaya's boy bars, why can't Pattaya police do the same for the bars on Soi Pratuchai (aka Twilight) in Bangkok, whose shows are much bolder than Pattaya's?

Hold on to your towels: Ganymede, in Jomtien Complex, was recently packed with punters and balloon chasers (me included) who were attending a party in honour of the official opening of their new karaoke bar, Spilia and their new gay sauna, Thermae. There was a delicious buffet with beef, pork, chicken and Thai food, as well as the obligatory roast pig. They even had complimentary red and white wine. Lots of boys were on hand to make sure everyone was well fed and not thirsty. In addition to the main karaoke lounge, Spilia has three private rooms for your special occasions; or, as in my case, for those crooners who would be too embarrassed to sing in public. In keeping with Ganymede's Greek theme, Spilia means 'the cave' in Greek. As of press time, the new sauna was up and running. It features an indoor pool, wet and dry saunas, massage rooms and 'relaxing' areas. Thermae will also have eight guest rooms upstairs. In addition, the Ganymede management will be opening a new executive-class guest residence next door.

All of Me is the new name of the former Wunderbar host and beer joint in Sunee Plaza. It's under the new management of two young, Thai men, Tom and Boy; and their American backers, Keith and Gary. They seem like a friendly and accommodating group and we wish them the best of luck.

I recently stopped into Eros Boy Bar, at the end of Sunee Plaza next to the Marina Inn. It's a large venue with a big go-go stage in the center. There are lots of dark corners where you can sit with a young man and explore. I didn't see too many customers; but they might have been lurking in the hidden recesses. Let's just say what happens at Eros stays at Eros. By the way, alcoholic drinks were only 99 baht. Eros is under the same management as Happy Boys Bar on Soi Yensabai, which has an upstairs 'lounge,' where you can get to know your new friend more intimately.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-10

The Frugal Gourmand

READY, SET, EAT

Many of Fun Town's restaurants offer great value with their set menus. You can often get a three or four-course dinner for less than 300 baht. I recently tried the Sunday set menu at Aquarius Restaurant in Jomtien Complex, diagonally opposite The Venue. This attractive bistro offers indoor and outdoor seating and has a special set menu every day for around 380 baht. (Ok, we splurged and spent an extra 80 baht.) It includes a starter, main course and ice cream for dessert. The meal started off with a complimentary, mini shrimp cocktail. For the starter, I chose the salmon pate, while my dining companion had the chicken soup. We were both quite happy with our choices. Then, I tried the grilled salmon with lemon and butter sauce, which was very tasty. They also offered roast chicken with grape sauce, which was tender and flavorful. On other evenings, you can have leg of lamb, lamb shank and roast beef. Aquarius also has an extensive a la carte menu, including Thai food.

Also in Jomtien Complex, on the same soi as Aquarius is Ole's, which offers various set menus for 320 baht, including bread and butter, appetizer, main and dessert. All the sets are offered daily. Ole's has been open for about eight months and is definitely worth a try. It also doubles as an art gallery displaying paintings by 'Thong K.' I tried a set dinner featuring grilled red salmon with saffron sauce which was, indeed, quite delicious. It was served with crispy and flavorful grilled vegetables with pesto sauce. The starter was smoked salmon atop greens with balsamic dressing. Although Chocolate brownie cake was listed as the dessert, they allowed me to substitute fresh mango with sticky rice, which was the perfect ending to a very satisfactory dinner. Add 100 baht for a glass of wine and your meal is still well under 500 baht. Other sets feature items such as beef steak, pork steak and red snapper. There's also an extensive a la carte menu. Most mains are under 200 baht.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-09

Pattaya Focus On…..

Art on the City side of PBR

Fighting off the Indian tailors, hawkers, beggars, barging Russians and hordes of shoppers streaming from the malls on the town side of Pattaya Beach Road is usually such an irritating experience that I usually walk along the beach side. However, ignoring these distractions recently, I focused on finding interesting items of art and objects of interest displayed as art.

Not good ones, mind. Only interesting - which is just as well as it's hardly the bleeding Metropolitan Museum of Art over there, that's for sure.

Whilst there isn't much of note to coo over, there was certainly enough to keep an uneducated, un-artistic Philistine like me going.

The old stuffed shark (photo above) serves as a sobering reminder of the passing of time for Pattaya's legion of working women, usually seen in the familiar Pattaya cycle of younger girl in go go bar, who becomes an older girl in Soi 6 who becomes an old bag on Beach Road. This toothless old shark seems to say “you too will end up on Beach Road, in the same condition as me”.

I like the above plastic heads which have been placed outside one restaurant, where they sit, sentinel-like, bearing silent witness to the shenanigans and crime on the other side of the road.

They act as a useful symbol for the city, where the powers that be are equally powerless to prevent the many scams being carried on under their very noses on PBR.

And of course they are also a very appropriate symbol for other aspects of life in Pattaya, a city which specialises in all kinds of head, from the giving of it (everywhere) to head shots (guns).

More pacifically, outside Central, on a sunny day with a blue sky background, these metallic sails reflecting the sunlight are a pleasant sight.

I see this as aspirational art, whishing this is what the city looked like - the clean blue sea flecked with tall sails atop expensive sailing boats owned by posh residents, moored in the no doubt soon-to-be-built marina, after which they all troop into Central to eat and shop, and spend gazillions of quid.

'Aint gonna happen though. Or not in most of our lifetimes.

I quite like this water, fish and metal installation which is also outside Central, although its impact is lessened during the day. By night it is nicely illuminated with different colour lights and the orgasmic explosion of water is more dramatic than by day.

I saved my favourite piece until last. This statue of a boy with a swan is again an entirely appropriate image to grace Pattaya.

When I find myself Googling: “swan symbolism in classical art” for a column in Pattaya's most vibrant rag, I know I have bitten off more than I can chew, and I am about as helpless as this poor swan in the clammy clutches of a (hopefully not priapic) youth.

Located in the pleasant grounds of Caffe Toscana, this fountain lends itself to a number of thoughts.

First of all, is he playing with this unfortunate creature? is he trying to kill it? Or worse, to mount it?

Is the boy choking a chicken, grappling a goose or strangling a swan? I think the latter, but look how close he is to it. Disturbingly close.

Perhaps the boy really is THAT into birds, and if so, where better to put this statue than in Pattaya, where it can function as a piece of symbolic art representing the city, to which ornithologists all over the world flock to get to grips with birds themselves.

Although, as also represented in this statue, the bill for that kind of grappling can be quite large.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-08

Above Bawd in Pattaya

Deep-Fried and Dope-Smoking Cockroaches

No, not another weird food thread, but a review of a <URL Automatically Removed> thread dealing with cockroaches (”Cockroach Tales”) which contained a wealth of information and scary anecdotes about a creature we live (and often sleep) cheek by jowl with, and which sometimes get too close for comfort.

Bangyai quoted a UK Times article which included some interesting cockroach facts, to get us going:

Contrary to popular belief, cockroaches do not carry disease in themselves, although they can aggravate allergies and worsen asthma.

They may have gained such a bad name because of their favourite places to hang out: anywhere fairly warm and wet, such as sewers, toilets and rubbish dumps, where they can pick up germs and spread them around in their tracks.

Cockroaches are one of the most successful and tough pests on Earth -- they have been around for 250 million years and even outlived the dinosaurs.

They are thought to be able to resist 15 times the level of radiation that a human being can, so they would probably be the only survivors of a nuclear war on Earth. They do not need much food, either, being able to live on just one meal a month.

A female roach can lay an egg at the age of one month, then another for every month of her life thereafter -- and every egg contains 40 babies. Each baby makes another 40, and so on. It is estimated that in one year, a single cockroach can be responsible for producing up to a million new cockroaches.

A cockroach will live for a number of weeks after decapitation, before starving to death. The severed head survives for several hours.

Bangyai also, described the scene when he moved into his Filipina girlfriend's less than salubrious room.

Come lights out it wasn't long before it sounded like I had crashed out on a forest floor in autumn ...... an ominous rustling from behind the wallpaper. Flicking on the lights I saw an army of roaches rehearsing the trooping of the colour across the wall. Somewhat alarmed I spent the next few hours with the sheet wrapped over my head and tucked in as best I could, trembling with fear……..

At the time, I sported a moustache and was recovering from hepatitis so was stuck on a diet of coke and sprite, which on this occasion I had failed to wash off. About an hour later I was disturbed from my slumber by a tickling sensation around my upper lip. Waking with a start I brushed my face and switched on the light to see two roaches scampering across the bed. I moved back into the hotel next day.

The same poster also mentioned a “bamboo pipe” he had at home, in more relaxed days in Thailand. I had a good long pull from the top of the pipe. I was just getting ready for seconds when a couple of long antennae emerged from the pipe shortly followed by a large roach looking a bit shaky on his feet.

Imagine that, a world first - smoking a roach in your bong.

Kingwilly brough it back to the level of a kitchen sink drama when he reminded us of best practice in the war on cockroaches: at breakfast I was pouring my mother an orange juice from the container and a dead bugger slipped out of the OJ into the glass! The maid must have left the lid off in the kitchen.

Showing everyone that cockroaches are not just a Third World problem, and that there's no easy way to finish them off, Patsycat reported: They even pop up in Super Clean Switzerland. The pest control guys came round and sprayed a place I once rented, I don't know what's worse - the ones that scurry around or the ones that are half dead and you have to put them out of their misery as they die a slow death on your kitchen counter.

Similarly Jet Gordon reported from Canada: Many moons ago I was drinking a Spanish coffee at a fav club in Gastown, Vancouver. I asked for NO maraschino cherry. Was finishing the drink and got a big glob in my mouth. Spat it out and it was a dead cockroach.

Nearer to home, Mr Brown posted his own unpleasant experience of being in Central Plaza, Bangkok in a rainstorm.

I could feel some tickling on my neck - I thought nothing of it believing it to be the rain dripping from the edge of the umbrella. This tickling sensation reached my mouth however so I had a quick grab only to pull off my face a dirty little roach squirming away within my grasp.

Mr Brown was happier to recount the next tale:

Went to work one day and a young big breasted farang was casually stood outside of my work soaking up the songkhran sunshine. To my disbelief there was a huge cockroach relaxing on her tit snuggled on top of her white shirt. I clocked it straight away and as I passed her just mentioned that she had a roach on her, ahem, top.

She looked at me a bit wierd; when she looked down the scream was worth it, made my day.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-07

SMOKING ROOM

Don't Quit Smoking!

Smokers of the world unite. Aren't you sick and tired of all those do-gooders telling you about the dangers of smoking? (Like you didn't already know.) Haven't enough people told you that it's a dirty, stinking habit? (As if that doesn't occur to you each time friends shrink back to avoid your dragon breath or whenever you look at your yellowed fingers.) Haven't you read too many articles advising you to quit or how to quit or why you should quit?

Don't do it.

Remember: smoking makes you feel good. It's satisfying. It fills a physical and a psychological need. How else would you have access to a legal substance--nicotine--that so effectively changes the levels of brain chemicals like dopamine, which is known for producing pleasure and dulling pain? Unfortunately, the nicotine in one cigarette doesn't provide lasting satisfaction. After several minutes or hours, the urge for another cigarette develops. Even more unfortunate is the fact that in time your brain adjusts to those extra surges of dopamine. Before you know it, what used to feel like a high dopamine level begins to feel normal to you. If that supply of nicotine ceases, your dopamine plummets. (Now you know what causes a nicotine fit.)

Are you thinking of lighting up now? Don't. Instead, test yourself by not smoking for just a few hours and watch what happens. In some ways, your body celebrates by bringing your blood pressure and pulse rate back to normal (in as little as 20 minutes). But in other ways, your body protests. That jittery irritability that makes you long for another cigarette is a withdrawal symptom. Keep the butts at bay for another eight hours or so and more nasty annoyances will erupt. Some, like dizziness or headaches, last only a few days; a few, like fatigue and sleeplessness, might last several weeks.

You can avoid those discomforts totally just by lighting up. Or, if you are one of those health nuts or a weirdo who wants to add a few more years to his life, you can opt for nicotine replacement therapy (NRT). Things like nicotine patches, inhalers and gum not only reduce withdrawal symptoms, they also seriously increase your chances of getting smoke-free. Statistically, about 2% of people manage to quit smoking cold turkey; NRT users have a 60% success rate, and they usually gain less weight after quitting.

Wait a minute. This column topic was 'Don't quit smoking.'

Actually, the headline should have read: Don't Quit Smoking Now. (Our editor erred.)

The fact of the matter is, you wouldn't quit smoking now in any case. You know that quitting would be the best thing for you. You know that's what a smart person would do. You don't need yet one more person telling you to put out that cigarette and never light another. In fact, you probably quit smoking on 1 January and didn't smoke again until 2 January. [Ed Note: our 'Fool in Paradise' correspondent Neil Hutchison has indeed taken the non-smoking pledge, and, as of this issue going to press, had managed to avoid the cancer sticks for just over two weeks!! Will miracles never cease?]

Quitting is an intellectual and emotional decision that requires preparation. Most successful quitters don't wake up one morning and say, 'I quit,' and then never light up again. Most smokers take years to weigh the pros and cons. Some make the decision to quit because of the onset of a smoking-related ailment. Some because they want to live long enough to enjoy retirement or to see their children or grandchildren grow up. Your reason for quitting is not nearly as important as the resolve to stay smoke free. And that resolve--that commitment to improve your life, your health, and even your self-esteem--will be formulated over the next month. So don't quit now. Wait 30 days, then you will quit forever.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-07

Why Wai

New to Thailand, I am wondering about the "wai." I think it's a lovely gesture, and I receive it just about everywhere I go: massage centres, shops, restaurants, even many times the bargirls wai me! I now wai in return and the Thai girl I've hooked up with says that Thais are pleased when foreigners use it back to them. But some expats told me that it looks ridiculous for us to do it, and the Thais laugh at us. So, is it OK, and if not, is there some other way to acknowledge another person's wai?

Paul Kinnell

Expats often blather on about knowing Thais who say that foreigners shouldn't ever wai, and those that do are sniggered at, but we have never, ever encountered such a Thai. These expats are the same ones who claim that if a farang even says hello in Thai he has gone native! If a Thai goes to the west and shakes hands with people, has he also “gone native”? It's your choice--if you feel comfortable in returning a wai, go ahead mate; you needn't return it to children, but they won't stone you if you do. If you choose not to wai, you can just nod your head, smile, or preferably both, and that will be fine.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-05

I feel a little queer

Sir,

On my recent visits to Walking Street, I have come to fancy ladyboys more and more.

I am a straight bloke but I worry that this attraction, if I act on it, might tip me over the edge to being gay. Is that how it works?

Can you confirm, or ask one of your gay columnists, whether I would be considered gay if I had intimate relations with a ladyboy?

Are there some lesser forms of intimate contact with ladyboys (I don't want to be too specific in a family newspaper), where I could still be considered straight?

Or am I just lying to myself about my 50 years of heterosexuality and maybe I have been in the closet all along?

Please help me.

Confused in Camden, Perplexed in Pattaya.

By email

Dutifully sidestepping the task we asked our nightlife columnist 'Nightmarch' to provide an answer. This is his reply:

From what I have been able to glean by asking around -the cleaner, delivery boy, sundry columnists, both straight and gay, the Honorary Consul and a couple of ladyboys well known to both the straight and gay columnists- has left me more gender confused than the owners of the bars along Soi Pattayaland 1.

The gay division told us a genuinely gay man wouldn't fancy a bloke in a dress. Mind you, from what you have written about your growing attraction to ladyboys it could be the thin end of the wedge. Start small and work up a head of real steam and before you can say meat and two veg you're batting for both sides as it were.

The allegedly straight brigade said they had once or twice (or maybe even a few more times) been unwittingly in intimate proximity to a person whose chest measurements had been surgically enhanced and whose voices were like sweet sirens with a bad head cold. They claimed the ingestion of copious amounts of alcoholic beverages had led to them dropping their gender guard, as well as some apparel. They described the experience as 'enlightening', whatever that means.

Quite frankly, this is Pattaya, where anything and everything pretty much goes. It's not called Fun Town for nothing. No one really gives a toss which side of the fence you want to find your jollies, or even if you want to firmly plant your crackside in the middle, although the splinters could be much bigger and longer than you might imagine.

In my now out-of-print book Pattaya: Patpong on Steroids I began a chapter with the following, which may help in some way. 'In a 10-year study conducted from 1938 to 1948 and entitled Sexual Behaviour in the Human Male, Dr Alfred Kinsey found an incredible 37 percent of the male population would experience at least one homosexual experience to the point of orgasm at some time in their lives. Given that homosexuality in many countries is no longer considered a criminal activity, the percentage may now well be higher.

The reality is that desire is a lot more complicated than just genitalia. Many psychologists and sex researchers have a belief that humans desire certain types of people rather specific genders. It is not the genitalia that is paramount but the person.

Still gender confused? Don't worry, you're not alone. Just be thankful you're in Pattaya.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-04

High Season Street Dramas Continued

In the two weeks of slightly less high season since my last column, my sightings of high season street dramas show no signs of let up.

I don't know whether Pattaya is changing, or whether I have a finely-developed eye for trouble, but I am seeing it everywhere.

For instance one night recently a friend and I were walking into a bar on Walking Street when three Arabs were being thrown out for manhandling the girls.

The tallest of the Arabs, clearly drunk or drugged, squared up to one of the bouncers, threw him a moody chin and what must pass for a threatening glare on the streets of Tehran, but on Walking Street, it only resulted in the bouncer, about half his size, springing up to hit him.

The Iranian unwisely pushed the bouncer and was punched, hard.

He fell back, stumbled, then ran as fast as he could, chased down the road by the irate bouncer, having learned another basic but painful Pattaya lesson.

On another night on Walking Street I was looking at the huge crowd of free entertainment-gawkers those pathetic break dancing kids attract, baffled by what on earth people stop to watch them for (on second thoughts maybe they're all Pattaya columnists thinking what I'm thinking), when a Turkish guy snaked through the crowd and, not content with sexually assaulting one girl, he grabbed the backsides of TWO of them before slipping away quickly, leaving two very angry young woman searching for him.

Later I saw him again, in a 7:11, and overheard his Turkish (I speak some, believe it or not).

Keeping with public sexual assaults, I saw an utterly disgusting sight on beach Road up near Soi 2, one night. I saw a man standing very close to a girl sitting in the shadows. I then realized he had his tackle out, almost in the face of the girl, and I thought he was being given some inappropriately public oral assistance.

Stuck between being an outraged resident, a voyeur and a columnist, I hung around so I could work out what exactly was going on. Eventually he clocked me, and walked off. I went up to the girl and asked her what had happened, as she clearly wasn't doing anything with him. She said, angrily: “Arab man want show me his cock.” So he had indecently exposed himself and had been making love to himself inches away from her, on Beach Road. Nice.

At 3am recently as I bought a kebab in Marine Plaza (class act me), a group of four Arab guys came hurtling out of a nearby hotel, in utter panic. Between them they carried the comatose body of a bar girl, which they hurled into a baht bus they flagged down, which sped off into the night, presumably to the nearest emergency room.

How she had got into that state, who knows, but at least they stuck with her. I suspected a drug overdose, hence the sheer terror on these guys faces.

Moving back down to Walking Street and our Russian-speaking friends.

Where do I start with them?

Recently, when a group of already-dead drunk Russians staggered into a bar I was in, roughly plonked themselves down next to me, and proceeded to glower in that drunkenly oafish way at everyone around them, and then ordered 12 tequilas between four of them, I drank up, paid my bill and left. There is nothing pleasant about being near a drunken gang of anyone in Pattaya, and Russians are no exception.

I have seen three comatose Russians being “golf-carted” off Walking Street recently, and numerous shirtless, drunken confrontations involving Russian speakers around the town.

I have decided this level of unpleasant drunkenness is something I have to get used to, because this is the way Pattaya's going. And it CAN get much worse, as the price of holidays in Thailand comes down, the Baht sinks against the Rouble, and the Russian economy recovers, allowing even poorer and ruder Russians to descend on Pattaya.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-02-03

Small cutting from Pattaya Times on the knife incident recently

Steven noted, “The guys immediately went to check this damage as I came out of the water, as though they knew what to look for. They then demanded 18,000 baht for it.”

Being in no way a reasonable estimation of the damage, and having not damaged the machine anyway, he refused to pay.

To the shock of all watching this incident unfold, one member of the jet ski gang pulled off his shirt and wrapped it around a long-bladed knife, thrusting it at Steven, threatening to stab him unless he paid the extortionate amount of cash demanded. This happened in broad daylight in full view of dozens of members of the public, both Thai and foreign, on the busiest stretch of road in this tourist orientated city.

The rest of the jet ski gang surrounded Steven and his two friends, and the physical encounter threatened to spill over.

A phone call was made by one of the jet ski gang, and, within minutes a number of men in uniform, who looked like police but may only have been volunteers, or imposters, arrived on the scene. What is certain, they only made matters worse by ignoring the tourist’s request for help and not doing anything about the man who had pulled the knife.

The local residents told the pleading tourists to ask for the tourist police to attend. A sympathetic bystander allowed them to use his phone to call a lawyer and the Irish Embassy to report the situation. cont

http://thailandtimes.asia/thailand-news/pattaya-jet-ski-scam-horror/

We just want to clarify something.

This extract is NOT from the PATTAYA TIMES. It was in our PATTAYA ONE front page story of the Irish jet ski guys in December 2010, which we allowed the THAILAND TIMES to reprint in full.

Just wanted to say this is my first time reviewing Pattaya One. Most excellent! :jap:

Thank you.

Nightmarch

Voyeurs delight: The P72 beer boozer, munchery and hostelry is one of the longest running joints on Walking Street and a great place to watch the happenings on the street, especially those who wander into and out of the Lucifer's head-banging auditorium across the road. Prices for thirst quenchers are reasonable and the service damsels are friendly and attentive. The place usually attracts an older crowd, although I seriously doubt many of them are simply there to listen to the live band which kicks into life at about 10:00pm. Do they do a rendition of the Eagles classic 'Hotel California'? Does a bear defecate indiscriminately in the woods?

At the other end of town in Soi 6 the Jack Tar bar is a real lone mariner in a sea of sharks. It doesn't employ ladies who twirl knobs for a living, and never has. It's one of those places where 'regulars' turn up to prepare for a night of schlepping about and to this end it offers possibly the cheapest booze prices on the soi. Perfect for watching the freak show that is the street art on the soi and it has a very good view of the antics in the Red Point Sierra Tango joint across the road.

Equal Opportunity Employment? While some of the beer boozers of Soi's 7 and 8 and even Walking Street may have a ladyboy or three seeded like Patterson's Curse among their regular distaff employees, down in Soi 6 they're as brazen as Lopburi monkeys and thick on the ground.

While the Stringfellows den in Soi Yamato is unashamedly and clearly a place of employment for members of the meat-and-two-veg-in-a-dress brigade, there are many joints all over the city it seems where an unsuspecting or seriously inebriated punter might find himself hoping to play hid the salami with a willing damsel only to discover the expected pathway to the tunnel of love is blocked by a solid and unwelcome logjam.

One example of a place where an example of the uncut can be found is the perhaps suitably named Thumb's Up Funny Bar. Longtimers may recall the Thumb's Up used to be a reasonably popular nosh house in Soi 6, but it's now a funny bar, in more ways than one. I wandered in recently and thought it was quite nicely appointed, libations were about standard in terms of price and it is suitably dark, as one expects of a furtive fondlers joint. There weren't a lot of damsels, but the ladyboy stood out like a beacon on an ice flow.

Perhaps we need to see the Department of Boozing and Bar Licensing call on the government to introduce Trade Descriptions legislation, so boozers employing people who cannot claim female gender from birth are compelled to make themselves known. A yellow star on striped pyjama-like clothing should do the trick, although I think that idea might have been taken by some other organisation.

The Secrets to contentment: Some years ago I was part of an expedition to Koh Chang which involved a number of coyote dancers from the Secrets lounge lizard libation room (Soi 14, off Walking Street).

The girls were pretty good fun, but the main reason for the trip was to take a lot of photos to help promote the bar. This included going out to one of the smaller islands of Koh Chang for an afternoon photo shoot. In the downtime between shoots a couple of girls decided to create a sandcastle, complete with moat and outside wall. Another went off to perform an act of ecological redistribution, collecting a number of coral-like rocks which she placed around the sandcastle.

Amazing how something that keeps five-year-olds amused can do the same for bargirls.

Light up an Alpine: Whatever happened to the non-smoking law for bars and restaurants? Well, nothing, of course. It remains firmly in place, it's just very rarely enforced. It's one of those statutes on the books, much like the official 2:00am closing time for bars, which can be trotted out for financial gain at any time someone cares to employ it. Most sensible restaurants long ago banned smoking inside their premises in compliance with the law and it hasn't had any obvious effect on business. Bars are a different story, with most places adopting a fairly relaxed policy, especially those where the owner or managers are themselves into the cancer-sticks. One place with a firm no-smoking policy is the fairly new Punch and Judy boozer on Soi 8 off Thepprasit Road. Made much in the manner of a traditional English pub, the non-smoking stance of the management has attracted the appreciation of a number of the anti-puffing league. Naturally enough, when some down-at-heel official in need of a quick few thousand baht thinks about how he and his mates can trouser a little bit of spending money, they may well enforce the smoking ban and raid a bar or three, but you can bet the owners of these bars will be foreigners and not locals.

The wrapping looks better than the gift: One of the really interesting improvements brought on by the spurt in go-go bar numbers in recent years has been in female fashions as it relates to the ladies employed in front of said dens of the chrome pole and whose task it is to entice punters through the portals. In many cases the ladies out front are far sexier and physically alluring than their chrome pole molesting sisters inside. Some of the best outdoor entertainers in ogling terms are in front of Walking Streets dens such as Alcatraz, Iron Club, Airport and even the spruikers for Living Dolls Showcase appear to have been issued with new uniforms.

A new raft of chrome pole dens: It seems the more the city fathers claim they are turning our fair happy hooker realm-on-sea into a 'family-oriented' destination, the more go-go bars and other nightlife-based entertainment venues spring up. One is left with the distinct impression the verbal announcements emanating from within the bowels of City Hall are merely media fodder designed for the gullible, while the real wheel of business of keeping what made Pattaya successful in the first place continues to turn.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-01-31

Secret Women's Business

Last month I wrote an article 'Cosmo Comes to Pattaya' in which I gave my opinion on two Cosmopolitan magazine-style advice columns found while browsing the Yahoo website. Both columns were obviously directed at the females of the species but I read them anyway. The first one let us know 'What Stresses Men out on a First Date' while the second passed on 'Eight Things Guys Notice about You Instantly'. I compared the authors' insightful suggestions, which may or may not work in the modern world, with life here in Pattaya, where they definitely don't work.

Never let it be said that I don't keep trying to help out my fellow man because now I've found another treasure chest of knowledge written by Jerusha Stewart which purports to share “Five secrets to making him love you”. What a hoot! Ms Stewart is the author of a book The Single Girl's Manifesta. Strangely enough, I found all her suggestions except one made a lot of sense, although possibly not in the way she intended.

The first tip she had for her single sisters was to “Share an activity”. She suggested “becoming gym buddies” and cooking meals together as a way a woman can “increase the things [she has] in common and experience a deeper bond” with her man.

It has been my experience that this is a BAD idea and the least interests a couple share the better they will get along. In Pattaya this works fine because foreign men have little or nothing in common with Thai females half their age. Having different languages, different cultures and different interests simply means there are fewer things to argue about. 'Back home' it is a different story and any woman who thinks that sharing her boyfriend's hobbies or interests will bring them closer is heading for disaster. First of all, “cooking meals together” is OUT. Also rule out sports and games; in fact anything competitive. Men like to win, so if she becomes better than him it will decimate his ego. Continually beating her boyfriend at Scrabble, tennis, golf or bowling is a sure way for a lady to be shown the door. Joining him for his weekly poker night with his friends is another disaster. After she takes home a few big pots of cash the guy will be given an ultimatum: “dump her or we dump you.”

The second piece of advice was to “Cheer him on”. This immediately conjures up a lot of wild imagery but Ms Stewart was not talking about sex. She was suggesting that a boyfriend “would probably appreciate a compliment now and then.” This I can agree with because men welcome an ego boost or compliment just as much as women. Nothing puts a man off as quickly as being belittled or unappreciated by his girlfriend. Word of warning to female readers; unless your boyfriend is bisexual or an interior decorator, don't follow Ms Stewart's suggestion to “try a simple off-the-cuff statement, such as: 'You look so good in that shirt - it really brings out the colour in your eyes'.”

“Let him be himself” was the next suggestion and Ms Stewart prefaced her argument with, “Most women find it hard to love guys just the way they are. We want to change their hair, their clothes, their job, and sometimes even their friends to fit our ideal.” I could not agree more.

There is an old joke which goes; “Men fall in love with a woman hoping she will never change; women fall in love with a man hoping he will.” The truth is that women are always trying to mould us into something we are not. We don't want to be better human beings, we don't want a better-paying but infinitely more boring job and we don't want to mow the lawn when there is a perfectly good football game on the telly. We get enough orders from the boss at work and don't need to be told what to do when we relax or play.

Thankfully, Pattaya ladies are different and, unless we are rolling drunk to the point of injuring ourselves or others, we are rarely told, “Don't you think you have had enough to drink?” We can stay out late with our mates and the girlfriend's main concern is that we get home safely - at a time of our choosing.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-01-31

We have covered the scams again, and the new tactics used by the scammers to maximise payments, reduce police involvement and to discourage renters from going to the police station, in our next edition, due out on 1 February, after witnessing a number of them recently.

A Sanuk Solution to the Pat-down Problem

By S. Tsow

Recently there was a big fuss in the United States over excessively aggressive airport security pat-down procedures. Nowadays all passengers have to go through a full-body X-ray scanner at some American airports. If they refuse, they're offered the option of a rigorous manual pat-down by a security official of the same gender. If they refuse even that, they don't get on the plane.

This sad situation highlights one of the great shortcomings of the U.S. government and all its agencies. They have no imagination, no sense of fun. This makes them guilty of the greatest sin in the Thai lexicon. They are too serious (usually pronounced “seriot” in Thailand).

In this case, they have turned airport security procedures from a fun experience that might be approached with joy and laughter into a grim ordeal evoking anxiety, dread, and shame.

A San Diego software engineer named John Tyner gained fame on the Internet by opting for the pat-down and warning the inspecting official not to touch his “junk.” As an old dude, I am out of touch with the latest slang, but this demeaning term appears to refer to certain delicate organs in the nether regions of the male anatomy that used to be referred to by a quaint euphemism: “the family jewels.”

Tyner wasn't allowed to board the plane. He was detained and threatened with a civil suit and a $10,000 fine if he left the security area, but he left anyway. Feisty fellows, these software engineers.

Such ugly confrontations could easily be avoided if the U.S. government possessed the imagination to employ beautiful young women to pat down male passengers, and handsome young men to pat down the female ones. No man worthy of the name would object to having his “junk” touched by a demure lady official who looked like Jessica Alba, Denise Richards, or Angelina Jolie. Nor would most women object to being patted down by a stud-muffin resembling Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, or George Clooney.

Here's where Thailand can make a great contribution to airport security, and I've devised a plan to do it. Our massage industry is famous throughout the world for providing a pleasurable experience in the Thai spirit of sanuk (fun). It can easily rescue the current crude security measures from the ignominy into which they have sunk. The Tsow Sanuk Security Plan offers passengers a choice of three options: a full-body X-ray scan, a conventional manual pat-down,…or the Thai Experience.

The security area will contain the usual X-ray facilities and a lineup of beefy pat-down officials, scowling pugnaciously and wearing rubber gloves as they prepare to assault their victims. But just beyond this Orwellian horror, the walls will be lined with attractively decorated massage cubicles. Upon refusing the full-body X-ray and conventional pat-down, the recalcitrant male passenger will be ushered into a chamber, chastely veiled from outside observation, where a radiantly beautiful Thai masseuse will greet him with a graceful wai and a shy “Sawatdee kha!”

Gently undressing him and murmuring soothing reassurances, she will bid him lie down on a table. Once he is relaxed and comfortable, she will apply fragrant oils and give him a full-body massage. As she works, an aide will surreptitiously go through his clothes and underwear to make sure they contain no explosive materials. Sweet music will waft in the background to enhance the ambiance, and the fragrance of jasmine and hibiscus blossoms will pervade the air.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-01-29

Don't know. Not in our paper, which is what this forum is about.

I think this should be moved to the relevant thread in Pattaya News.

The Bellwether End

Lost in Translation - by Mike Bell

When I first started scribbling, I showed some of my early work to a fellow writer; a professional who wrote regularly for some local publications. He gave me a couple of pieces of advice which I've never forgotten - try as I might.

“Look, no one is interested in your witty memoirs no matter how well they are written. The bulk of your readership will be grumpy old men whose three main concerns in life are: the baht exchange rate; the state of their prostate; and semi-related, that funny itch at the end of their willy. Confine your stories to Pattaya or at the very least Thailand.”

His second piece of advice was even more daunting: “No editor is going to take a chance on a new regular columnist without a year's worth of material.” He went on to explain the other dreaded disease round here: writers block. This must not be confused with writers cramp which you can get with overworking your wrist. Stop sniggering you at the back - who overworks their own wrist in Pattaya?

This has meant, if you'll pardon the expression, beavering away trying to come up with Pattaya-based ideas, spending hours researching in Soi 6, canvassing family members (if you'll pardon yet another deliberate double entendre), neighbours, local working girls which was a real chore, all in the pursuit of scholarship, fame and money.

Many writers get their ideas in the toilet or driving a car. Many of mine occur to me when I am in bed. I'd explained my troubles to Lek and I could tell she was cogitating by the rhythmic movement of her fingers. I'd struck a common chord when I mentioned the pursuit of money. Apparently she had been just the same when she was young. Her words illuminated the dark. “Easy. Say farang story but make Thai name.”

In a flash I had it. Endless supplies of material: starting with Nursery Rhymes, on to Disney films, finally culminating in Steven Spielberg. I was so excited by Lek's cogitations that I wanted to begin there and then. She fixed me, however with a steely eye, “First we talk commission.”

So, an Australian tourist visited Thailand for the first time. He had delayed the trip for years because he had the second-most shameful secret an Aussie can have: he was still unknown to woman. (The first is being known to man.) All his mates told him of this wonderful place called Pattaya which was carpeted with wall-to-wall beauties, eager to relieve him of his shame, amongst other things.

He found himself at the top of Soi 6 on his first night, wracked with nerves and tension. Amongst his anxieties were premature ejaculation and the opposite, impotence. A mate had helped him with the latter by recommending some chemical assistance. He'd taken two, to be on the safe side. The same mate had told him he was to speak to Lek in Saigon Girls and to be brutally honest about his problem.

She was not easy to find: some of the girls told him it was Lek's night off. Others claimed to be Lek but they did not have the required butterfly tattoo to prove it. She eventually appeared in the company of a red-faced and fat guy who left abruptly. Over a beer the Aussie explained his situation. She was skeptical at first. “Farang go hok. Never know farang who not boom-boom lady Thai or you have shameful secret?”

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-- Pattaya One 2011-01-28

GAYMARCH

Email me at gaymarchpattayaone [at] gmail.com.

Yes, there IS a gay bar on Walking Street: I always wondered why there was such a dearth of gay pole dancing emporiums on Sin City's premier centre of debauchery. A few boy bars have come and gone, but they seemed more geared toward heterosexual couples than friends of Dorothy; and of course, there are katoey bars such as Jenny Star on the sin strip. Now, situated (appropriately) near Soi BJ, is G-U-Y Club, under the same management as Wild West Boys on Pattayaland Soi 2. It's one shop house in width and has a cave like ambiance. There's a small platform adjacent to the bar, with room for one or two dancing lads. The guys were clad in jeans and were shirtless. They also had a couple of ladyboy servers.

On the two occasions that I visited, there were only a handful of customers. According to the staff I spoke to, the place tends to get crowded after midnight. They have a show at 1:30 am, which is apparently the same as the one at Wild West Boys. Compared to Boyz Town, Walking Street is so crowded, vibrant and lively. I'd love to see some gay-oriented palaces there. Who says boy bars have to be in gay ghettos? Let's hope they get some gay patronage so they don't revert to a girlie bar in the near future. Speaking of Wild West Boys, they'll be presenting their 'Mr. Cowboy Contest' on 29 January.

The Bondi (on Jomtien Beach) was packed, on 6 January, for their Three Kings Day charity event. The popular singers, Willie and Mandy, started things off; followed by the very sexy Nab Boy dancers, who really got the crowd worked up. The audience also reacted quite positively to the campy divas, Miss JJ; Glamour; Lucy Lastic and Dolly John. A raffle and 'handbag' auction netted 35,000 baht for the TAKE CARE!! charity.

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PATTAYA ONE RAINBOW

What is in a word?

By James Barnes

A deceptively simple question: how is being gay defined? The question was prompted by not so simple, semantics. Thai guys who have boyfriends often state, confusingly but emphatically, that they are, 'Not gay, I am a man.' It will take a lot of bonce scratching for the average farang to make sense of this statement but the answer is easy. It's all about plumbing. Pitching or catching as our American cousins would put it. Active or passive. Top or bottom. The sexual role.

Those Thai guys with boyfriends who declare that they are not gay are actually saying that they are pitchers, active, tops. Their catcher, passive, bottom partner is, 'gay.' Maybe this position derives from the tossed word salad that comes from the unfathomable bowl of Thai culture that is still overwhelmingly patriarchal despite the obvious dominatrix tendencies of Thai wives who seem to rule the domestic roost with iron marigolds. Throw in the various definitions of 'fem', ladyboy and katoey and your word salad is more hotly contended than Som Tam recipes in Issan. Moreover, if our top Thai guy is a man, what does that make a Thai guy with a wife? Ahead of you on the obvious answer there so don't bother!

So, what does it mean to be gay for farangs? Homosexual? Definitively not. The dictionary states that this is a same sex physical attraction. It makes no mention of an emotional dimension. Nothing about love and who wants to be sorely, solely defined by what they get up to between the sheets, in the darkroom or in the sauna? This is one instance where the 'Politically Correct Enforcement Brigade' has full permission to wade in, slap on the chrome cuffs and cart offenders off to the iron bar hotel. Gay men are homosexual but being homosexual is not being gay, or as the more modern activists may say, 'Queer.'

Some assert that being gay is a lifestyle. If they are more ignorant than the average Russian tourist in Pattaya, they will say it's a lifestyle choice. Lifestyle is a lazy, glib term made into a faux concept and fashionable in the 1980's (that's 30 years ago but haven't we all aged so beautifully?). Being gay is no more of a lifestyle than being straight. Lifestyle does not cut the mustard let alone the aioli.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-01-27

THE FRUGAL GOURMAND

HOW ABOUT SOME PIZZA?

Just about everyone I know loves pizza; and they all have very strong opinions about which places have the best pies. As a native New Yorker, classic NY style, Neapolitan pizza is the real deal for me. A nice, thin round pie with mozzarella and parmesan cheeses, tomato sauce and, perhaps, some anchovy topping is akin to heaven for me. Bostonians and Chicagoans have their deep dish variations. Then, there's Sicilian style, thick crusted pizza and other authentic Italian variations. As for Pizza Hut and Pizza Company: Fuggedaboutit!

Pizzeria Italia (aka Non Solo Spaghetti), in the heart of Jomtien Complex at the intersection of Thappraya Road, is one of my favourites. They offer a large variety of individual pizzas with lots of different toppings. I usually go with the Margarita Pizza, which is a plain tomato sauce and cheese pie. The crust is chewy and the cheese is stringy; almost like an authentic New York pizza. They also offer a big choice of Italian pastas, specialties and salads at reasonable prices. If you don't think this is great Italian pizza, I'll send my cousin Irving to break your fingers. (I never claimed to be Italian.) Prices for individual pizzas run in the 200 baht range.

Volterra (504/17 Soi VC), situated off Soi VC, on Soi Yensabai Mansion, in South Pattaya, serves authentic Italian food along with delicious pizzas. Owner and Chef, Michele Magni, personally prepares all of the dishes. Many of the ingredients are imported from Italy. My friend always opts for the pizza topped with spicy (but not too spicy) salami; and raves that it's the best pizza in Pattaya. I usually choose the Napoli Pizza, which is topped with anchovies and capers. Again, these are thin crusted, chewy pies. With a coke or a beer, you'll get change from your 300 baht. By the way, these pizzas are larger than the ones served at Pizzeria Italia and you may even take a couple of slices home.

When you need a break from shopping, Spicchio Pizza can be found in several food courts throughout Pattaya, including Carrefour (soon to be Big C); Royal Garden Plaza and Central Festival Pattaya Beach. Their pizza is sold by the slice and isn't bad. However, it does lose something from the reheating process.

Nick the Pizza (nickthepizza.com) will deliver a passable pizza to your door. They come in large and small sizes and prices are very reasonable. Not gourmet, but not bad; and they arrive quickly. The crusts are crispy, not chewy. If your order comes to 155 baht or more, delivery is free. You can't beat that.

Finally, I schlepped all the way from Jomtien to Naklua to try the offerings at New York Pizza House (nypizzahouse.com), located on Naklua Road in the Heritage Plaza.

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-- Pattaya One 2011-01-26

Pattaya Focus

Pattaya Beach Road Art (Continued)

I have been trying to convince readers that there's more to Pattaya Beach Road (PBR) than scammers and thieves, and that the place is also full of art.

After the traditional Thai art featured in my last column, I thought a review of more modern art on PBR would be interesting, so I set off down there, camera in hand, to bring back some photos, and I was surprised by the amount of art I had previously walked past and ignored, or not really focused on before.

Some of it features great chunks of endangered coral, but hey ho, this is Pattaya, and it writes its own rules. And what more fitting way for PBR to yet again metaphorically thumb its nose at the world, laws and conventions, than to flaunt this artistic use of coral from who knows where, as art.

And at least looking at the coral is far more aesthetically pleasing than looking at the spalling, peeling, ugly concrete mess also known as the base of the fountain at the Central Road junction.

Why not just strip the disgusting concrete off it and paint it with weatherproof paint? Or is that too much to ask? I find it inconceivable that this unsightly mess is allowed to decay in plain sight. Unless it's a metaphor for much else wrong in the city, and thereby constitutes a vital piece of Pattaya performance art, as its cheap, thin veneer slowly peels, revealing its even uglier interior.

Then again if Damian Hirst had done it as an ironic piece, people would be praising it to the heavens and stealing bits off it by now. Or maybe they are……

In terms of innovation, my favourite piece is the one depicting water pouring from a bowl, (see photo). The bowl is suspended in the air, as a stream of water gushes out of it. This plays a trick on the mind, until you realize the water is what secures the piece to the earth.

I quite like the green-glazed and tiled pieces on PBR, the three best ones are pictured here. It took me a while to realize they are artistically linked by the representations of waves on the glazed tiles.

And finally, some more earthy modern art. Fine examples of tagging and stenciling - and robustly free expression.

NEXT EDITION - Art and architecture on other side of Pattaya Beach Road

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-- Pattaya One 2011-01-25