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CHOPTHAI
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Political Correctness
WARNING!!
The following 10 statements may or may not be funny, depending on your gender.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or a MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She is not a DUMB BLONDE - She is a LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a Tramp - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
PART 2:
How to be politically correct when talking about the male gender:
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK-He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not HORNY - He is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
11. It's not his crack you see hanging out of his pants....It is MALE CLEAVAGE
No malicious offense intended.
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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to
Chicago. The son suddenly turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have
baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby
planes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the
stewardess.
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats
have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy
said that this was so.
"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because
Southwest always pulls out on time. Now let your mother explain that to
you."
Luckily that innocent boy did not ask the stewardess why the front flight deck be called a "cockpit". The answer might be: "It is being called a cockpit cos it is the place where they keep the 2 nuts!"
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pardon? Not just being confined to "old age"....misunderstanding or miscommunications do occur frequently in noisy environment. I remember during my airline days, in the hangar, the foreman used to shout out instructions, like:
"bring the engine here"
In a short while, the "engineer" was excorted to the foreman's office!!
"Sir, was it your instruction for us to "bring the engineer"???
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Amazing! Entertaining!
You won't walk alone -
Not really humour, but interesting to look at if you have 10 mins to spare:
Fantastic website...
'far out', as we budding hippies said in the late sixties.
Yeah...what Hippies will see after taking some 'sugar cubes'
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Not really humour, but interesting to look at if you have 10 mins to spare:
Fantastic website...
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An Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
She must be a member of the Emergency Response Team -
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout
Time was when, on its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I've got a full-time job
To find the blasted thing
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave
Now as old age approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes
This reminds of being "over the hill, brother"...the irony is "once over the hill, it will be down hill all the way..and the faster will one come!" -
Sailor arrives in Pattaya, goes out on the lash and spends most of his money. He's left with 40 baht and starts looking for a bit of skirt on Beach Road.
All the pros laugh at his request for favours in return for 40 baht, until he meets this 50 year old.
"Sorry dahkling no boom boom 40 baht but I have false eye - I take out and you can boom boom eye hole"
Sailor was desperate for relief after 6 months on the seas so he agrees. Turns out to be the best sexual experience he's ever had -
"That was great honey!!!! I'll be back on Beach Road tomorrow night for sure!!"
"OK tilac - I'll keep an eye out for you"
Classic! Keep an eye on it!
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How many internet forum members does it take to change a light bulb?
Brilliant!
What do you think Betty?
They need a quality auditor / consultant to verify that the procedures and work instructions for changing light bulbs are strictly followed, otherwise a non-conformance to ISO 9001:2000 shall be issued
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A couple decide to go for a meal on their anniversary and after some deliberation decide on their local Chinese restaurant. They peruse the menu and finally agree to share the chef's special 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.
He hasn't so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and again he! sees two beady little eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.
Rather perturbed he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation.
'Well sir', says the waiter, 'What did you order?'
'We both chose the same', he replies, 'the Chicken Surprise'
'Oh I do apologise, this is my fault' says the waiter.....
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'I've brought you the Peking duck'
what a good pun and fun
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Lipstick problem
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria recently was faced with a unique problem.
A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to clean the mirrors. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are Teachers, and then there are Educators.
Yeah, they certain are good educators... better than preventive maintenance. Can I make use of this in my lectures?
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Funny facts 2
1. A rat can last longer without water than a camel.
2. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks or it will digest itself.
3. The dot over the letter "i" is called a tittle.
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. A female ferret will die if it goes into heat and cannot find a mate.
6. A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
7. A 2 X 4 piece of wood is really 1-1/2" by 3-1/2" when measured.
8. During the chariot scene in "Ben Hur", a small red car can be seen in the distance.
9. On average, 12 new-borns will be given to the wrong parents daily!
10. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
11. Because metal was scarce, the Oscars given out during World War II were made of wood.
12. The number of possible ways of playing the first four moves per side in a game of chess is 318,979,564,000.
13. There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange, purple and silver.
14. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan". There was never a recorded Wendy before that.
15. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin zoo.
Very informative...keep it up
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A man walks in to Macy's Lingerie Department in New York and says to the sales lady: "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34B."
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"They," she replied, "tend to make mountains out of molehills."
Oh to find some B cups in Thailand...
Jai Dee,
Wont you think it should be "Sawa D kup" ??? [pardon the pun]
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Allahu'akhbar. Allahu'akhbar
So what are you? An Arabic speaking Buddhist that believes "God is great" !!!
Arabic is a LANGUAGE [for your information] There are many people in this world that are non-Arabs and non-Muslims that can speak Arabic fluently. What is so starnge about an Arabic speaking Buddhist?? BTW there are Christian Arabs too [in Lebanon]. I am a professor in Linguistics and a staunch buddhist [not an extremist]. I speak and write 6 languages, but having brought up in Malaysia, I am like the rest of the Malaysians who are very tolerant to other religious beliefs. I dunno about you, but we, as Malaysians, such deeds [including poking fun at religious issues] will never cross out minds. I shall reiterate: Thats not funny!
Of course I know that Arabic is a LANGUAGE... hence I said "Arabic speaking"....
What is strange is an Arabic speaking Buddhist, proclaiming verse from the Koran, ie "Allahu'akhbar" ie "God is great"
I am a christian that thinks that the funniest movie ever made is "Life of Brian". A fantastic parody of the life of Jesus Christ.
You may speak write 6 languages (whatever that has to do with this thread I don't know), but somewhere along your educational path you forgot to learn humour.
If you don't find it funny, tough.
Also Arabic. marfi mushkalla.
If you find that parody on Jesus Christ funniest and fantastic, thats your opinion! and I did not find your so called sense of humour funny, is my contention. It is sickening right up to my "pulse", that's all.....a very form of wit!
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Allahu'akhbar. Allahu'akhbar
So what are you? An Arabic speaking Buddhist that believes "God is great" !!!
Arabic is a LANGUAGE [for your information] There are many people in this world that are non-Arabs and non-Muslims that can speak Arabic fluently. What is so starnge about an Arabic speaking Buddhist?? BTW there are Christian Arabs too [in Lebanon]. I am a professor in Linguistics and a staunch buddhist [not an extremist]. I speak and write 6 languages, but having brought up in Malaysia, I am like the rest of the Malaysians who are very tolerant to other religious beliefs. I dunno about you, but we, as Malaysians, such deeds [including poking fun at religious issues] will never cross out minds. I shall reiterate: Thats not funny!
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And again the Buddha spoke, and was heard to have said:
"Now this, monks, is the Noble Truth of the disenchanted state: birth is disenchantment, aging is disenchantment, death is disenchantment; sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief, & despair are disenchantment; association with the unbeloved is disenchantment; but most of all attachment to the things of this world is.... "
<drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriinnnnggggg>
<drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriinnnnggggg>
<drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriinnnnggggg>
" 'The world is maya, illusion' -- meditation center, good morning, this is Sammi."
"Oh, hi... I was just..."
"Well, I always answer that way-- I'm a monk, remember? It's what we do."
"Of course I was meditating. As a matter of fact I was this close to Nirvana when I heard the phone ring."
"No, no, I didn't mean it like that, but you really shouldn't call me at the meditation center, it's..."
"You know I always like to hear from you, it's just that..."
"The begging bowl? Let's see... maybe 6 rupees, 40 pice so far. It's been a slow day. I think that's why I got so close to Nirv--"
"Sure, I can do that. On my way home."
"Wait a sec. Let me beg a pencil from somebody...
"Okay, shoot."
"...tomatoes, saffron, onions... yeah... eggplant if it's really ripe... couple of plantain... got it."
"Oh... no later than sundown if I have to stop at the market."
"No, I don't mind stopping at the market, I really don't.
"Right."
"Okay."
"Love you too... bye."
It is not funny! We, Buddhists, view this as a sacrilege to Lord Buddha.
Buddha never thought you to laugh as well ? This joke is disenchantment !
Lighten up
Never thought i would encounter a buddhist extremist
Branding someone an "extremists" is wrong. One has to be proven guilty! For some of you farangs, open expressions of discontentment on certain religious issues that are foreign to you would be construed as "extremism"
Allahu'akhbar. Allahu'akhbar
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And another one...
Australian Girls
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Thailand. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, the dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
Got to love them Australian girls!
Wow, Aussie girls are "karate kids" too! Luckily I did not marry anyone from down under when I was studying in Newcastle, OzLand. Jai Dee's advice might have arrived 25 years too late for me to change my mind!
Waltzing Matilda, waltzing matilda...you cum a waltzing maltida with me....Anyway LOL good joke.
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And again the Buddha spoke, and was heard to have said:
"Now this, monks, is the Noble Truth of the disenchanted state: birth is disenchantment, aging is disenchantment, death is disenchantment; sorrow, lamentation, pain, grief, & despair are disenchantment; association with the unbeloved is disenchantment; but most of all attachment to the things of this world is.... "
<drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriinnnnggggg>
<drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriinnnnggggg>
<drrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriinnnnggggg>
" 'The world is maya, illusion' -- meditation center, good morning, this is Sammi."
"Oh, hi... I was just..."
"Well, I always answer that way-- I'm a monk, remember? It's what we do."
"Of course I was meditating. As a matter of fact I was this close to Nirvana when I heard the phone ring."
"No, no, I didn't mean it like that, but you really shouldn't call me at the meditation center, it's..."
"You know I always like to hear from you, it's just that..."
"The begging bowl? Let's see... maybe 6 rupees, 40 pice so far. It's been a slow day. I think that's why I got so close to Nirv--"
"Sure, I can do that. On my way home."
"Wait a sec. Let me beg a pencil from somebody...
"Okay, shoot."
"...tomatoes, saffron, onions... yeah... eggplant if it's really ripe... couple of plantain... got it."
"Oh... no later than sundown if I have to stop at the market."
"No, I don't mind stopping at the market, I really don't.
"Right."
"Okay."
"Love you too... bye."
It is not funny! We, Buddhists, view this as a sacrilege to Lord Buddha.
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My gosh! I dun want to be a bad boy! BTW, this is where we considered this Santa's move as "re-inventing the wheel"
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Strange...........................Someone from Greece knowing what good red wine is.
Obviously imported...
Obviously! Here in Greece, for the 'best' one needs to import both wines and women.
So... Aussi wine and Thai women huh?
Give me a woman, anytime better than beer ['cos I drink beer] Fully support Jai Dee...Aussie wine and Thai women!! [Pom chop pooying Thai mark mark]
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What an innovative way to save toilet paper!! ISO 14001 compliant!
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Everyone's guilty til proven innocent. Tell that joke in any police state and the people will laugh. Get an agent and work the Latin American countries.
well, then there you are ! coz Thailand is considered by many sliding into such police state - or some say it has already became a dictatorship ! so - should be appropriate humor here alreay !
Hey, I dun understand this "rabbit joke". care to explain?? Kopkun mark khrap..
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Jai Dee, you have a keen sense of humour posting all those images! For dinkum reasons, Orientals are humourous too, but drastically suppressed...
Not just being confined to "old age"....misunderstanding or miscommunications do occur frequently in noisy environment. I remember during my airline days, in the hangar, the foreman used to shout out instructions, like:
Female It Experts
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
Posted
Now I know there is one more way to use the CD-ROM's
They should also use the thumb-drives as lipsticks