thedi

...usually go to Udon ...

In Udon, this two have been recommended and look good:

Nobis: http://www.nobis-restaurant.com/

Dieter: http://www.dieters-rauch-kate.com/index.html

Regards

Thedi

In the (good) old time, the Phu Yai Baan (village headman) was the boss of the village.

Now, most of his duties were taken over of by the Amphor (district office) and OBT (Ongan Borihan suan Tambon). This was thought to reduce corruption (not very successful.)

The village headman is still responsible to keep peace in the village. He is the one who is contacted in any dispute: i.e. when an electric fence kills the cow of someone else. He organizes local festivities and his word has some value at the Amphor. Some Phu Yai Baan are quite active and look that the village is presentable. Luckilly we have such a Phu Yai Baan in our village now. The difference to the state before is flagrant.

He (very rarely a 'she') is elected every 4 years. He gets about 5'000 Baht a month and can nominate two helper (kon chuai) which are paid by the government as well.

Regards

Thedi

A neighbour in my village erected an electric fence to prevent wandering cows eating his vegetables. But instead of a 12 volt fence it was connected directly to the mains electric, -220V

A cow fence works with brief, high voltage impulses between 2'000V and 10'000V. see also http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Electric_fence

To connect it directly to 220V can be deadly.

Regards

Thedi

As mentioned above, you are not married from the legal standpoint.

To get married, you can do as described here: http://thedi.ethz.ch/faq/marriage.html

Regards

Thedi

But look at the views and replies some good and some not so good this topic will be very informational to folks who I hope will not find themselves in my position in the future : Thats why it is public :

This is one of the most interesting threads in this forum for quite a while. It does not only tell much about Macb, but even much more about other posters.

Nearly none of us ever met Macb and Bee, hence we all answered in what we would have done in the same circumstance, but our own relationship.

In fact, thats what I did myself: I imagined what would I do if my wife would suddenly, out of the blue, tell me, that she had have enough of me and wanted to split. Then I posted this thoughts.

Reading it like this, this thread tells a lot of how people live together with their Thai relations, or what experiences they must have had in their relationships.

This thread should be included in the novel, which Macb promised us

It could even be the base for a sociological study.

Best regards and thanks to all posters, who helped to make this thread such an interesting and informative reading.

Thedi

You need the house number for electricity, but you probably need electricity during construction, so that can be a bit of a catch 22, but it can be overcome.

You can get a temporary electrical connection - but this is quite expensive. If you can get the electricity from a neighbor until your house is finished, it will be cheaper to pay his bill until then - and your neighbor will become a friend in the same time.

Regards

Thedi

"Daddy, you're a good man, you only do good things for me and I only hurt you, I not like me now" (she started calling me Daddy to get our daughter into the habit and it just stuck)

Please don't tell me you are falling for this nonsense!!!

P.S. Wife calls you Daddy.. hmmm... you're comfortable with this?

It just shows that she want to talk it over.

Thedi

PS: I call my wife mae since 13 years - she calls me anything from Thedi, Papi (Swiss for Daddy) pho i su or farang - the last is a term I use for myself a lot too. It does not matter which word you use, but what you mean with it.

To build a house, you should contact the village headman (Phu yai baan) and ask for a house number.

Then you should go to the OBT (Ongan Borihan suan Tambon) and get the OK. The OBT will check, that you are not building on public land (i.e. a road), which may be much bigger than actually visible.

This is the official way. But in rural areas, it is common to do the contact with the village headman en passant while chatting with him or his wife and get the house number only after building the house, when you need electricity and water. The OK from the OBT is passed up in practice quite often too.

Neither the Phu yai baan nor the OBT will check the plans for the house.

Naturally you should check with your neighbors, that there are no disputes about where your land is.

Regards and good luck

Thedi

... i never ... do ... stupid things.

just go on is way

To get legally married in Thailand within about a week do as follows:

1. Download and print out this form: http://thedi.ethz.ch/faq/statutory_declaration.doc and fill it out with your data as shown in this picture: http://thedi.ethz.ch/faq/statutory_declaration.jpg DO NOT SIGN IT YET. (free, 5 Minutes)

2. Go to your embassy in BKK and sign the form there. The embassy should certify your signature. They will not certify the contents of this declaration, just your signature. Thats OK. If they tell you that this will not work: insist! It is their job to certify signatures. (free, 10 Minutes)

3. Go to the next translation office near your embassy and get it translated into Thai. (a few 100 Baht, 5 hours)

4. With this 2 papers go to the Thai Ministry of Foreign Affairs. They will check the translation and the signature from your Embassy. The translation office will know where you have to go and can direct a taxi driver to bring you there. The Ministry of Foreign Affairs will need about 3 working days for its task. (small fee, 3 workdays waiting)

5. With this papers and your passport, your wife, her Tabien ban, birth certificate and ID card, you go to any Amphor and get married. You should bring along two witnesses too. They may require that you to bring along a translator, if your Thai is not good. You will get a marriage certificate in duplicate. (free, 1 hour)

6. Ask for two copies of the pages in the book where you signed (some embassies to not accept the marriage certificates) and get them certified by the same Amphor (10 Baht, 3 Minutes). Make also certified copies of your wifes birth certificate, tabien ban, ID and passport - if she has one. (20 Baht, 2 Minutes)

7. Send this copies to your embassy (10 baht) and the embassy will be responsible to register your marriage in your home country too. If your copies do not include a paper with her full name in roman script, give them a note how her name should be written.

Regards

Thedi

PS1: I married, following this procedure, 13 years ago and I did never regret it. Hope it will work out for you as well as it did for me.

PS2: until step 4 it is all just preparations. At step 5 you get legally married. This is binding - it is no joke.

PS3: If you prefer to read it in German, you may find a more detailed description at http://thedi.ethz.ch/faq/

PS4: in step 3, the Thai writing (and pronunciation) of your name will be fixed for the rest of your life, and for your child too. Give this some attention and get advise from somebody how is fluent in Thai, English and the language of your home country (not your wife).

It is really great how many advises are given Macb in this thread:

• Take the daughter and leave the miserable woman as long as you still can - death for you is on its way.
  
• Take a lawyer and fight for your rights.
  
• Leave her the house, gold, car and the baby and start again from scratch - just you count!
  
• Only the baby counts! Try to talk to your wife and to find a reasonable solution for all of you.
  
• Run for your live now.
  
• ...
  

Actually non of us consultants know Macb or Bee.

Macb: you mentioned in one post jokingly, that you may write a book about this experience.

I certainly would be one of the buyers of this book.

As of now, I admit that I do not know enough about you or your wife, to add any more good intended advise. All I can do is, to wish you good luck.

Regards

Thedi

sniffdog: I don't want to see porn sites, just I want to get my business email, they are so borning that noone want to block them :-)

You would need a proxy which talks POP or IMAP or whatever protocol you use to access your mails. Most proxies are for HTTP only.

I absolutely hate living alone and hate sleeping alone. There is very little reason for a man to sleep alone in Thailand. I seldom slept alone but at the same time I wanted a wife. I was ripe and vulnerable, BUT, it still took me ten years in Thailand to find one I thought I could live with. I have to say that the past four years with my Thai wife have been the best years of my life. We lived together for a year and a half before we got married. During that year and a half we established the ground rules. She is a great cook and housekeeper. I always have clean and ironed clothes and the floors get mopped everyday whether they need it or not.

All that said, I have no doubt that I am one of the most cynical crotchety old farts in Thailand and I'm NOT going to change. I have a condo and a pickup truck in MY name. I bought both before we were married. I have invested a considerable amount of money in her house and have bought her several pieces of land. If the day ever comes that she can no longer put up with me, I will throw my possessions in my truck and head back to the farang ghettos. I won't look back and will have considered that I have left her in pretty good shape. She can earn a living from the farm ground, she has a decent place to live, a motorcycle and a car to drive not to mention a new tractor to farm the ground I bought for her.

I have elaborated on this because there are no children involved in my situation. Since Mac has a child he should pack up and never hope to recover any money he has spent because it is NOT likely he would recover anything anyways. Leave her with whatever you have bought and consider it an investment in the child's future. No way can you raise a child here yourself at your age. Live well on your pension and be grateful that you have no more big nest egg to make any more serious mistakes. They can still get your money but they will have to do it a month at a time and put up with you to do it. Good luck.

Some guys have invested all they have and have no pension to fall back on. The have ignored the golden rule to NEVER spend more than you can afford to walk away from. Maybe your savings are gone, BUT, you will not miss any meals and your life will go on. consider yourself lucky to have a good pension. Choose wisely the next time. I wasted the first ten years here on too young of arm candy. Find an older gal who is self confident and NOT a clinging jealous type. Iam 62 and my wife is now 40. I might add that she never had any children and if she stays with me she will NEVER have children. I raised two children in the US and have been there and done that.

I'm sorry to not sympathize much but the bottom line is that you did screw up. You're not the first nor will you be the last. You do have the advantage that you can still have a good happy life and not worry about where your next meal is coming from.

Well said Gary A. I could never put it as clear and straight. I think this post should stand out, hence i cited it in a bigger font.

Thedi

...that your daughters life will be much better all round now and in future if she stayed with you.

It is not as simple as that!

Macb is 58 years old, his daughter is now 1 year old. Until she enters school, she may have it better with him. But when she reaches puberty, he will be an old doter (at least in her eyes).

What if he dies with 75, when his daughter will be 18 years old? Where would she go then? Nannies work only as long as they get paid.

The case is full of complexities. If I would believe in a god, I would start to pray for Macb, his daughter and his wife. The situation is really hart breaking. There seem to be only loosers left.

On the other hand, in my own life, I lived in many different situations. Once, for nearly an year, I lived in a slum in Sukothai. When I arrived there the first time, I thought: this is hel_l on earth. After a week or two I felt good there, it is now a very good memory - I never laughed so much as in that year. All I want to say with this: The circumstances are not really important. She could have a happy life as a farmers wife - even if she will have backaches at harvest time and posses only as many plates to eat from as there are people in the house - or she could become a star, but have an uncomfortable life in a 20-bedroom mansion surrounded by enviers and despots. It is not the environment that makes life good or bad. Its what you make of it and how you look at it.

Thedi

This afternoon she got angry with the little daughter rocked her so hard she fell out the rocker banging her head : I took my little angel outside to control her, I had to raise my voice at the wife and yak yak her: So I have this to deal with as well, threats to kill the baby twice and showing a knife to me and the daughter: I thought I only dealt with this crap as a Copper.

You go into round two now!

She will try to blackmail you and is rooting out your weakest point, which is probably your daughter.

You have bad cards now, because you are emotionally weak. A good policy would be to start a scene now. Pretend you just got reliable proof that the girl is not your daughter at all, that she had a boyfriend all the time. You would have to give the impression, that you do not care for your daughter any more. This would take this weapon out of her hands. But she may call your bluff!

You could also consider, that it is her daughter as much as yours. She will not really want to hurt her. She may do it in an affection. This could arise from a dispute with you. Maybe it would be wise to not to wait too much longer before you get out of there...

The situation is stressing for her too. She sees her furs drift away. She may realize, that she miscalculated and try to save as much as possible now.

Try to keep a cool head and act sensible.

regards

Thedi

You mention internet access: are you using a dial up modem?

If yes, you probably have a 'dialer' installed. This is a program which will dial up automatically, usually to a number which gives a hacker some profit. This was a common hacker game some years ago in Europe, but with ADSL and cable is not so common there now.

You may need a program which checks your computer for malware. Since I use a mac myself, I do not know what program will be good for you.

Regards

Thedi

PS: disconnect your computer from the phone line, whenever you do not need internet.

I live in a small village for 15 years. When I arrived here 15 years ago, there was already electricity, but no tap water. Tap water come about 8 years ago.

I would say, that today, there is no village left without electricity. There may be some remote stables which have no electricity, but I do not think that there is a officially recognized village without electricity left today.

Water: it depends on what your definition is.

Some villages have a pond where they have a pump and distribute this water through pipes to the village. Others have a well. We are lucky that we get water which is professionally processed from a river. Most houses in the village still have their rain collecting system. This is the water most people drink here. But some people drink the tap water and nobody ever got sick of it. But I would not recommend this in every place here in Isarn.

My guess is: there is some tap water in every village today. But I know cases of villages, where the tap water may be acceptable for a shower, but no farang would use that tap water to brush his teeth.

Regards

Thedi

As another poster pointed out, land ownership is no problem any more for a Thai national married to a farang.

In case if inheriting land, it has never been a problem - and it is still no problem.

If your wife wants to legally own land in Thailand, she can do so with your family name as well as under her maiden name. But it naturally would be more proper to register your marriage in Thailand as well - and in this case she will have to use your family name.

When your wife wants to own land, you will have to go along and sign a statement, that you understand, that the land is her sole property and that in case of a divorce or her death, you will have no rights to this land. This is the only draw back: she may have difficulties to buy land, when you are not there.

I signed such statements several times in the last years. Some years ago, when this rule was new, it was a bit 'difficult' in the land registration office (tea money had to be payed, or they refused to know about this rule). But since Taskin's regime, it has become routine. No problem - no tea money.

Regards

Thedi

Just any big shop should do. Prices are fix, but you may get a free helmet or jacked (worth about 300 Baht).

...observe what the Thai men around you in relationships do, especially with wife/husband situations. Do you see them doing all the laundry for example?

@ OxfordWill

Your point is certainly valid, but on the other hand, one attraction of a farang is, apart from money, that we treat our wife more as a partner.

Also, I have seen several cases where a young Thai husband did the laundry for his young Thai wife who had to look after a newborn baby. This was here in the country. But when a Thai man is in the age of a grandfather, he certainly will not do the laundry any more - and he will most probably not be he father of a newborn.

Many farang/Thai relationships can not be compared to Thai/Thai relationships, because the age difference is often bigger in franag/Thai relationships.

But I think this one is very good advice for any farang/Thai relationship:

As a husband, ... you should act more like a father than a boyfriend (equal).

Thais keep to the role they play. As a phu yai, they will not do the laundry. It may be a good idea to engage a girl from the village for this kind of work. To do the laundry yourself may be bad for your face - and this may make your wife feel uncomfortable. It would also create a new job in the country. We have a sister of my wife come for laundry and cleaning our house on a daily basis: she gets 130 Baht/day and eats lunch with us. She is free to decide when she comes, but she comes almost every day.

Regards

Thedi

...As I said above, regardless in whose name the property is registered, following a divorce it is shared 50/50.

In case of the land, this may not be true. Whenever my wife bought land, I always had to go along and sign a statement, that the land is the only property of my wife and that I would have no rights to it in case of a divorce or if my wife died.

---

But there is another point: Macb's wife and her family will probably be soon aware, that they can not keep it running without an income - which they most probably do not have. This is where your (Macb) and your wife's interest still join: You have both still a lot to loose: your own losses are now all too apparent for you - but your wife will be in a difficult situation without you soon: an ex mia farang with a baby and a house to big to keep it running and no money to pay the daily bills. Once the house is sold (and it will be difficult to get a fair price for it), she will be back to field zero, but with a child to take care for... She may realize this soon - hopefully before she actually sells the house.

As long as she was with you, she was attractive in the same way as most farangs are. Without you, this attraction will fade away quickly. Maybe she went up he ladder of success to fast to keep a cool head.

Maybe you were not considerate enough and - feeling yourself too secure - let yourself go to much: Thais need a daily portion of sweet words in their ears.

Give yourself (and your wife) time to realize the new situation. Avoid confrontations and play for time.

In your situation, I would consider to give her now some generous pocket money (to demonstrate, that I still care) and take a trip away for at least a month, maybe without mentioning this time limit to her (to demonstrate, that I can live without her). Then phone from time to time (but not too often) just to say hello and to hear if - and how - the tone changes, or make contact with common friends and hear what is told. Thais are artists in this kind of communication and passing signs along. They will understand and they will play along. Just be sure, that you do not demonstrate that you are incapable of living without her. This would put you at her mercies.

In short: Head up, Macb! In a few years you may remember this episode as one of the most interesting times of your life. Nothing is lost yet. In fact it may be a good policy to demonstrate, that you can have a marvelous time without her (I do not think about short time o-o or the ap-op-nuat kind of fun - this would only pour oil in the fire) and then let it shine through, that you may enjoy it together with her and your daughter even more.

This advise goes in the same direction as an other poster put it maybe a bit too pointed: your balls belong into your pants: take the initiative away from her and start acting, instead of reacting. Play the role of a Phi and put her in the role of the Nong - as any Thai man would. This has nothing to do with being a macho or a despot; just be a leader. Paying all the bills, gives you certainly the right to be the leader!

Best regards and wishes

Thedi

Dear Macb,

In the last years I read many of your posts and I always thought: "this Macb would be a nice guy to meet." We have the same age, we were - up to last Sunday - in a similar position. There were differences: I do not like dogs and I am married for 14 years now - but in many respects I felt that our lives were very similar.

Now the base of your life has broken up! This is a real shock for me.

In this situation it is certainly difficult for you to think and act rationally. But this is still the best way to handle the situation. Try to look forward and avoid to look at it from a personal point of view: try to look at it as an outsider. Avoid thoughts like: all the time she just...

I read your original post several times. Your wife may have married you with good intentions. But then she got overstrained by the relationship with you. Two and three years ago, she may have thought that your good points (money, security etc) outweigh your weak points (not belonging, not funny to be with - she mentioned 'boring'). But with the time going on, the balance didn't stay that way.

Do not blame it on her or on you. It was a misunderstanding, a wrong valuation of a relationship - probably by both of you.

---

Others mentioned: Now the first priority is for your daughter. I would not put it like this. You should rather look for a solution which will serve all three of you.

Your daughter will have no future living with you. You are too old to rise a baby. Hence she will have to stay with her mother. Maybe you should support her father. Supporting someone for years without any personal contact is frustrating: it would make you feel like an ATM, this does not meet your requirements. A possible solution could be that you stay in region but that you and your wife will both be free for new relationships - the mia noy kind or a new marriage whatever - but that you keep your old relationship at least up to a level of remaining on speaking terms.

Your posts sound to me, as if this kind of a relationship would still be possible. There is no hatred - just boring and disappointment. Take a step back, look at it from a distance: there are still pieces left. Build up a new picture from this pieces.

With my very best wishes for your future

Thedi

Salt water in the right porportion will clear up the muddy ponds, it causes the small mud particles which are suspended in the water to drop to the bottom by negating the potential (+/-).

Gypsum works as well and is probably less critical for the environment (in Isarn many places suffer of too much salt in the earth).

As long as you have fish like carp or pla tapian in the pond, you will never have clear water. They dig into the ground which will always have some clay. You can see them at work, if you watch your pond patiently: from time to time a slightly darker cloud will rise from the deeps to the surface: thats a sign that fish are digging in the ground und mixing up the kii tom (mixture of clay and water), which was about to settle, up again.

Regards

Thedi

Edit> One draw back is that unlined ponds stay muddy all the time

Some fish like to dig in the ground looking for worms, snails and other food. If you have such fish, the water will be like milk, but a light yellow-brown color. Typical problem makers are carp or coy.

To have clean water, you should avoid big fish and have a lot of water plants (lotus, pak bung, reed etc).

Regards

Thedi

Concrete will only work if you do it right, i.e. like in a swimming pool: strong reinforced and quite thick. Otherwise it will break and the water will leak out as before. For a concrete solution which will work in a pond of your size, 650K is quite a good price.

Concrete is not recommended for a fish pond. Fish like to dig in the ground and concrete may cause a problem with algae and rotten water. For a fish pond water plants (pak bung, lotus etc) are desirable too.

Plastic foil are much cheaper. Cover the plastic with clay and the sun will not be a problem (but boys with bamboo sticks to fix their nets will be a big problem).

I have 4 ponds. The earth here is mostly clay, hence loss of water through draining away is not a big concern here. But they all loose water in the beginning of the dry season at a rate of about one inch a day. This is mostly due to the wind and sun. Once the water is down about one meter, the wind will not enter the pond so much and the water level will go down rather slow (about 1 cm/day). Non of them gets dry in the dry season.

My ponds where all dug to 3 meter deep. The rain washed in some clay and they are now between 2 and 2.5 meter deep.

I would recommend to dig deeper. But ask your neighbors, if there is problem with salt in deeper ground. This is quite common in Isarn!

The deeper a pond, the cooler the water - hence less loss by evaporation. When you go swimming in a pond in Isarn in the dry season, you can feel it yourself: your feet will feel nice and cool, while your neck is in much warmer water.

Many ponds will leak in the first one or two years. Once the rain washed in enough clay from the surroundings, it will work as a sealing.

So my second suggestion: wait for an other year or two and look what happens. save the money to buy some more land and dig more ponds. Ponds have a tendency to get addictive

Regards

Thedi