Phuket electrician

This weeks tight arsed nonsense - do your weekly grocery shop on Monday morning, scoot of home to prepare all the tuck and consume.

No more time wasted on food prep or eating for the rest of the week - watch your BFI plummet as you head towards delirium on Thursday / Friday.

SWOT analysis

Strengths - Time saving / reduced carbon emission

Weakness - Health benefit / bloating

Opportunities - Guaranteed weight loss / hallucination

Threats - Bowel distension / excruciating pain

Consume liquid based beverage. :-)

More penny pinching waffle asap.

It's the week end again and some of the little kids and a few of the bigger kids are still off school - lazy, good for nothing delinquent tight wad parents. Why didn't you pay for them to go to summer school? They’ll end up on the rock 'n roll, inside or the worst of the worst - estate agents - and it's all down to you - shameless!

Any how top Earth Hour Tight Wad Farang style penny pinching idea this weekend - inspire the family with this innovative role play.

Stage 1 of your plan - Prepare your brood – (detailed tactics and dialogue etc up to you) - for a no holds barred, ostentatious, 7* luxury, mind blowing experience that money cannot buy. Head off to the shops - Central is a good one, air con, smart looking graduate shop assistance and tell the family they can have what ever they like - money's not a problem, anything at all. See the delight on their on their little faces. Tell them to meet you at the check out with their booty in 2 1/2 to 3 hours - no problem, enjoy - you can afford it.

Stage 2 of your plan - role play - ''.....you're just off the boat from Uzbekistan head off to Patong or such like and book into a 3* guest house, turn off your phone, misplace your house keys, leave your morality and self worth in the room and shoot off to Soi Bangla asap, start heavy drinking.....''

Enjoy your weekend.

NB. To avoid inevitable post pi** up fallout top 5 options:

1. Self inflected wound

2. Hope for Earthquake / Tsunami

3. Kidnapping

4. Temporary imprisonment

5. Temporary imprisonment / deportation

Road kill in Thailand does not involve rabbits or deer....all we have are dogs, cats and humans.

Much the same as the UK; can't remember ever seeing a deer on the road - dead or alive, and rabbits still are ridden with myxomatosis but they taste much the same as cats, I'm told. Hedgehogs on the other hand make great crisps.

The common hedgehog make an excellent adhoc slipper, the chance of finding a pair in comparative levels of decay are quite remote yet perfect for a one legged p'head that's suffered the indignity of a mislaid shoe. Not for the fasion victim or lilly livered lefty however. There's just no pleasing those fickle fussy fkers.

That's f'up it was supposed to say in good humour:

Dig a crocodile infested moat around your gaff and raise the draw bridge every night, Pm me for guesstimate - 3 min guarantee - as always, excluding f'ups + parts + labour + 7% tax + 10% service charge + zero indemnity liability.

Crocodile Farm nr Robinson's closed recently so you're in luck, location and timing is everything in the cut throat property market. Economically priced house trained domestic crocodiles*- approx 10,000 no comprehendible audit available - how many do you need?

(side note) Emu for sale - not house trained, unfortunate but accommodating, responds to 10000 v prod (available 1 M Baht) , misunderstood red arsed racist baboon prone to unprovoked domestic violence, with hygiene and anger management issues - et al must see, also selection of big cats - breeding pairs - not sold separately, 10 dozen aggressive as f88k limas (reasonable offers considered), 3 Meter reticulated Albino Python? Adorable Thai style chickens + big cocks with xxx testosterone level, inferiority complex, ya baa habit and attitude problem, no concept of the time of day.

At knock down, never to be repeated, one time offer, today only – 25 Rai* prime affable real estate.

Caveat emptor if you are mildly interested. Very friendly mallard duck’s 50 (nervous disposition), Kiddies play-ground as new* – hardly used - it’s in good nick - not to EU standard (what do you want for f'sake)

Overly large free range eggs going cheep*.

*Sold as seen

Telepone all the 3's

:-)

What's all the fuss about ? We just throw all the veg-matter into the plastic bag burning pit and after the rain we got tomata , potata and onionseplata

Dude we are looking for original humour we can all enjoy - we know Earth Hour is a token - pointless ignorant jesture - the point of the post is a poke at sanook Farang tight wad style - we all know it - you go to the bar - you don't have sufficient dough to get pissed but you're not ready for home yet - what do you do - sponge.

Any contribution in this vein is welcome - it is lighthearted with a view to highlight the ignorance we all suffer from, the human condition, what ever subject it may be - I am as stuipd as a frog with no croak. Keep smiling it is only life for a limited period of time. Enjoy yourself and those around you, we are living the life others procrastinate and dream about.

:-)

Dig a crocodile infested moat around your gaff and raise the draw bridge every night, Pm me for guesstimate - 3 min guarantee - as always,excluding f'ups + parts + labor + 7% tax + 10% service charge + zero indemnity liabilty.

Crocodile Farm nr Robinson's closed recently so you're in luck, location and timing is everything in the cut throat property market. Economically priced house trained domestic crocodiles*- approx 10,000 no comprehendible audit available - how many do you need?

(side note) Emu for sale - not house trained unfortunately but accommodating, responds to 10000 v prod (available 1 M Baht) , misunderstood red arsed racist baboon prone to unprovoked domestic violence, with hygiene and anger management issues - et al must see, also selection of big cats - breeding pairs - not sold separately, 10 dozen aggressive as f88k limas (reasonable offers considered), 3 Meter reticulated Albino Python? Adorable Thai style chickens + big cocks with xxx testosterone level, inferiority complex, ya baa habit and attitude problem, no concept of the time of day.

At knock down, never to be repeated, one time offer, today only – 25 Rai* of prime affable real estate.

Caveat emptor if you are mildly interested. Very friendly mallard duck’s 50 (nervous disposition), Kiddies play ground as new* – hardly used - it’s in good nick - not to EU standard (what do you want for f'sake)

Overly large free range eggs going cheep*.

*Sold as seen

Telepone all the 3's

:-)

Top tip for this week end, treat yourself to a DIY spa experience like no other. You'll look good, sleep like a baby, save electricity, water, shower gel, lose weight farang tight wad style and have the body of an adonis in no time at all.

Whenever you feel hunger pangs put on your swimmers and head off to your local beach for a relaxing 8-10 km swim with the fishes. This endeavour of delight should take between 2-5 hours depending on these and many other unknown variables. Dodge the jet skis 1 hour speed boat propellers ditto, timeshare salespeople 30 mins, ping pong show 20 mins, Nepalese tailors 10 mins and underground casino (secret location) unlimited et al head off back home to your love nest for a well earned snooze, you will have little choice in this as you'll be too shagged / traumatised for little else.

During the delights of your slumber you body will exfoliate from the sun, sea and sand, oil, life threatening flesh wounds, faeces you have picked up leaving you as fresh as a daisy.

Get a good eight hours shut-eye.

There is one caveat to guarantee success with this 5* experience you will need to persevere with this daily for 8-12 months before your stomach shrinks sufficiently to feel-full at the sight of Sadao bean, never mind you'll like Brad Pitt did in Snatch, ripped and ready to rock roll.

Take one cup of water and heat until tepid add salt and pepper to taste, drop in a Sadao bean - garnish with a pube(s) (optional).

Did I mention, set a reminded on your phone – or tell a friend to prompt you when 90 day reporting comes around. You’ll be so obsessive and delusional you’re bound to forget. Happy days.

Earth Hour - tight wad farang style.

You have a choice, and if you are lucky enough to make more good decisions than bad then good for you, enjoy the success you have created. It is not about money, chattels, token girls, fill your life with rewarding relationships, pastimes, employment and continual personal development. Ignore the content you disagree with and contribute with positivity and humour.

We chose to live here and are very lucky if the cards are in our favour - for many of us it is down to the choices we have made and our fortunate social position - apart from the Aussie of course - thieving lot bunch of scoundrels

.

The only way to tell the difference between the Aussie male and female - the women can spit further.

Gripe away it is all relative and for the moment - you can choose you friends, acquaintances but not your family.

If a good looking, hard working woman chooses you for what you are and what you have accomplished see obviously doesn't know the real you. Hahah

Hang in there, your fate is already decided and there is bugger all you can do about it.

Avoid expensive cleaning product, you're paying for the fancy marketing anyway - and make your own - use white vinegar to clean windows and glass table tops. Wash tiled floors, kitchen counters and all that stuff that seems to attract an infinite amount of filth with diluted vim in a spray bottle.

There are many other combinations that I can't think of right now, my head hurts too much and the house is so filthy I am off the library mainly because I haven't got a pot to piss in. I am philanthropic by nature and support a variety of Thai girlfriends all of which seem to be having unfortunate bad luck with livestock, family illness in immediate need of expensive medical treatment, broken tractors, lost or stolen iphones’, motorbikes, unwanted pregnancy, STD’s and on and on it goes.

I am eating Salt and pepper soup until the next pension check arrives. Keep it clean and think green - Stay happy.

Earth hour,bah,humbug ,let the lycra wearing beardy left wing tree huggers switch off their lights(the lights are on but nobodys home there anyway) and the feel gooders can drive their priouses ,meanwhile i switch on an extra light ,turn the air con up a bit while using the internet and watching tv at the same time (with the radio on in the background for good measure).

i vote to build more nuclear power stations and forget the windmills as they and all the other "green measures are a waste of time )

like another plastic bag vicar?

I don't know what a priouses is but I do drive a Toyota Prius. 4.6 litres per 100 kms, that's why Oh, I also have another car but that's less economical at 11.2 litres per 100 km.

The battery on these things cause more polution being made than any car on the planet ,total and utter waste of 1.3 million,for a small saloon . a normal car would have set you back half a million less ,makes 4.6 literes to 100 kms look expensive when you look at it that way ,and the batteries dont last that long and cost an arm and a leg to replace.

but if it makes you feel good , enjoy.

I don't care about pollution or being green, just plain economics coupled with practicality.

At (currently) 43 baht per litre (Benzine 91), I would be spending Bht 206,400 pa based on 40,000 km pa and at 12 l/100km. In the Prius, I would be spending Bht 79,120, a saving of Bht 127,280. In five years, I would have recouped on the premium that I paid.

During those five years, I would at least have the practically of a hatchback (not sedan), really useful as I don't own a pick up.

Regarding batteries, I have yet to come across a Prius owner who's had to pay to replace the battery (don't take it from me, this is information gathered from a dedicated Prius forum, not sponsored by Toyota).

Do you have any idea where the resources/componants for a Prius come from? What country - labour regulations, enviromental impact? I am not a green - far from it, the publicised 'Earth Hour' is a joke, here in Phuket the street lighting is adequate but pathetic - controlled by photocells, they are inefficient, blaze away when it is light enough to see perfectly well. Do you have any figures, any informd opinion - anything? Just retoric? Do you have any informating for us, insight, constructive ideas, labour saving hints, humourous story? Wit, sarcasim, surrealism - anything but secondhand information - something from your own experience, something original? With respect we have seen it 'heard' it, done it - what we all want to know is what you are able to contribute - nobody believes a Toyoto Prius is the way forward when hydrogen is the clear answer. Take good care, and have a good night.

So here goes, recycle plastic 1.5L bottles, you know sprite, coke etc fill them with water from a 25l ltr white bottle 10 baht if you’re lucky or 12 baht if they see you coming. Keep these recycled bottles in the fridge or the freezer. The fridge has to do less work once they are cooled and you can use the frozen ones for the customary cooler in the boot of the car, put them back in the freezer when your done.

Do not do this with PET or PETE if you are concerned for your safety. Especially freezing or heating them releases carcinogens.

Does anybody know <deleted> this guy is talking about?

OP. You use a KETTLE??

What a waste of electric. Fill your mug with water, pop it into the microwave for abt 1 minute and you have water hot enough for coffee / tea. (based on 1KW microwave)

I did as you say about 20 yrs ago - picked the mug up and it took all the sking off my hand. It is a gas oven Mr observant - think outside of the box, this is the 21st century - Nuclear power is dead in Europe, coal fired is under attack from all side, the cleanest and most abundant energy source is natural gas - and it is quite evident you have quite a lot of it at your end. :-)

How can it be a waste of water if you only heat what you require? Oh dear - read and then reread before you make a tit of yourself, 10 out of 10 for stupidity though well done you, have another go.

Earth hour the biggest joke ive ever heard, oh sorry i forgot man made global warming and god, in that order

Not the point is it - there is ignorance everwhere - even an idiot is open to constructive dialogue.

But it is because really if u want to save the planet ( and I think us not being here at all would be so much better) Then you'd better sell your car/bike, stop flying, get your electric disconnected and go back to living in a cave, and yes Im serious. oh or hang on we could turn the lights off for an hour??? what do you think the power stations will cut output for 1 hour??? Does it mean we get an extra hour before the -planet dies later?

Re cycle -plastic, humph we shouldnt be producing it to start with, your'e in Thailand wrap it in a banana leaf.

All pointless Thais couldnt care less and 99% of the Asian developing countries ditto along with the U.S etc etc

Wrap water in a banana leaf. I run a English language course 'Reading & listening' you might be interested.

We all appreciate Earth Hour is a symbolic gesture - that is not the point of the post. Which is, clearly a forum in which to share constructive ideas and quirks with a little humour for good measure. If you choose to contribute good for you.

OP. You use a KETTLE??

What a waste of electric. Fill your mug with water, pop it into the microwave for abt 1 minute and you have water hot enough for coffee / tea. (based on 1KW microwave)

I did as you say about 20 yrs ago - picked the mug up and it took all the sking off my hand. It is a gas oven Mr observant - think outside of the box, this is the 21st century - Nuclear power is dead in Europe, coal fired is under attack from all side, the cleanest and most abundant energy source is natural gas - and it is quite evident you have quite a lot of it at your end. :-)

Earth hour the biggest joke ive ever heard, oh sorry i forgot man made global warming and god, in that order

Not the point is it - there is ignorance everwhere - even an idiot is open to constructive dialogue.

What the f are you on about!

But it is because really if u want to save the planet ( and I think us not being here at all would be so much better) Then you'd better sell your car/bike, stop flying, get your electric disconnected and go back to living in a cave, and yes Im serious. oh or hang on we could turn the lights off for an hour??? what do you think the power stations will cut output for 1 hour??? Does it mean we get an extra hour before the -planet dies later?

Re cycle -plastic, humph we shouldnt be producing it to start with, your'e in Thailand wrap it in a banana leaf.

All pointless Thais couldnt care less and 99% of the Asian developing countries ditto along with the U.S etc etc

Farang tight wad tip of the day - I live on the east coast of Phuket along the rhythmic Sakdadit Rd that leads the ‘sam rap nak tong tee aow’s to Phuket Aquarium. Next door, and up the hill in a courtesy Tuk Tuk is the infamous Sri Panwa, last time I went there was four or five years ago and the other half and I enjoyed a Bombay Sapphire and Schweppes tonic, G&T, for a mere 350 baht a pop, we had 3 or 4. If you choose to stay there tonight you are in luck, you will receive a 50% discount at, Latestays.com (she designed the site for AWD - now WotIf.com) yours for 22,400. That's quite a saving. - Stay at home!

On a more related note, Buy your greens, beef, pork, chicken and all that other stuff at supercheap on the Thepkasatri Road - it stinks, it's as hot as hell, it is a nightmare to park, a complete maze to the novice and can be very annoying to experience the Thai / Chinese shopping culture - if you have survived all that and alight they will insist to check every item you purchased just in case they have made a mistake and overcharged you. Thank your lucky stars when you make it back to you pad laden with a boot full of supercheap <deleted> that will last you a week for a thousand baht.

Don't use Air con, turn on a fan or two and open the window around 10.00 am and 3.30 pm, suss it out yourself depending on where you live, mosquitoes will get you outside of these hours. Take regular exercise at the park, on the road or in the privicy of your own gaff, forget the air con gym - swim for your life at the beach, wrestle with girls and find out what you are capable of until your dying breath. Adele sang beautifully - that regrets and mistakes are memories made – next time I’ll be my own saviour. J

Earth hour the biggest joke ive ever heard, oh sorry i forgot man made global warming and god, in that order

Not the point is it - there is ignorance everwhere - even an idiot is open to constructive dialogue.

On some occasions, girls are out to "get a falang", just to try. Can be the case in Bangkok with university girls going in herds to discos. Happened to me one time, memorable night. Just after the highest moment of the night, the girl laughed loud and exclaimed "Po farang!!!"

LOL.

That being said, p4p in Thailand is not the same as back home. Some of the working girls make very sweet and good companions, Just remember to keep your wits.

'Po farang' ??!! What's the meaning of 'po' here ?

Jem

'Po' means 'enough'. Thai girls hear things about farangs and some may decide that having a farang is not for them. It may easily happen to you. Often you will not know why you get on their nerves. They are polite in their own way and will not tell you.

I asked my wife how come some Thai women ditch their farang. She told me that mostly it is because he will not eat their food and will refuse to eat at the times they eat. and this gets on the Thai wonan's nerves in the long run, dooming the relationship.

According to her, the farang that a Thai woman likes most is a farang who will be casual about eating with them and who will make no difficulties at mealtimes in front of their friends and their family. This means he will eat Thai food as Thais eat it, not the "Thai food" especially prepared for farangs.

I disagree, I cannot eat Thai food, it is far too high in sugar content, I also have an aversion to garlic and chili. This has never been a problem, quite the converse she loves farang foods, even danish blue cheese and marmite.

Incidentally, when I first met her she was very tight fisted with my money (still is after 8 years), she argues with taxis, objects to tips in restaurants, makes her own clothes (and mine).

You are far from alone - I am always interested to hear a westerner say they they don't eat Thai food - I am sick of rice, I hate chilli, chicken skin and sugar in food. And when it comes to their beloved she is not your average Thai girl, her family are wealthy, and she has only been working here for a week blah blah. Men are idiots, we have one purpose only to find and 'wrestle' with as many women as possible. The secret to hooking them is know your limitations, show them minimal interest, look like a big bumbling cock and behave like a complete prat. I am still trying to perfect it – consistence is a problem. It worked wonders for Peter String-fellow, Hugh Heffner, Silvio Berlusconi et al, these guys had money, but it is all relative- big hoo hah here right now about 300 baht a-day min(max) wage 1$ an hour. Flash 100$ you’ll be fighting them off. Good friend of mine has played the game here for fifteen years and says there is one universal magic word you wispier in any woman’s ear the world over - doesn't work in Essex, and she is putty in your hands - flannel. Relax, take care of you health with regular exercise and enjoy the good life. Have a healthy wrestle with as many as you can - to coin a phrase - practice makes perfect. J

They have always struggled to attract visitors with the exception of sporadic 'family day' and of course the Christmas party - attended by Santa Clause himself. The club has been blighted by petty squabbling for years. Mr D Ratcliffe was the 'commodore' for over ten years until about 2008 and with Cindy's and the rest of the family’s' help maintained the club - although the mission was more often than not very blurred. Paul and Katy tried to establish youth sailing but again petty squabbling hampered their endeavours. Good luck to whom ever takes on the mantle and respect to Ao Chalong Yacht Club for their positive attitude - as usual.

All I got for Christmas last year was a computer virus from the Phuket Gazette, the boys at BigC fixed it for 200baht. I did however land a great job recently in response to an advert they published. In my own experience they do struggle with accuracy sometimes, the fixture list and match reports from FC Phuket for example. In general the Phuket Gazette has been a good servant to the English speaking community and the educated among us will know it represents a view as valid as any other. Good luck to them, nobody likes computer hackers, and let us hope they will be around for many years to come.

How about making them slaves? What's the law on slavery here in LOS?

Don't need a workpermit to be a slave do you?

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Is that a serious contribution to a rational discussion Ol red?

Fill the form in correctly with accompanying paperwork, pay the money take your chance.  What else is there to do smart arse?  

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Gone quiet dummy ?

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Cat got your idiom, smart arse?