Beachcomber

A Few Doctor Jokes

A man walks into a doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear.
“What’s the matter with me?” he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, “You’re not eating properly.”

The old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office, having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”
“Well,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid is.”

My doctor told me I drink too many martinis. I asked him why he thought that? He told me my last urine test had an olive in it.

Patient: “Doctor, I feel like a dog.”
Doctor: “How long have you felt that?”
Patient: “Since I was a puppy.”

A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has five penises. The doctor says, “Five penises?! How do your pants fit?”
The man replies, “Like a glove.”

My doctor told he would have me on my feet in two weeks and he was right. I had to sell my car to pay the bill.

Why did the tomato blush?

Because it saw the salad dressing.

What do you get when you throw a epileptic in a bowl with some croutons?

a seizure salad.

What’s the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping Tom?
A pickpocket snatches watches.

Why was the mushroom invited to the party?
Because he was the fungi.

I can never understand why people say that the Mona Lisa was leonardo da Vinci's best work.
I thought hw was quite impressive in 'Titanic'

Why was the math textbook clinically depressed?
So many problems!

I just realized that my calculator is missing the minus button....

But on the plus side, it still works.

A man and his wife were having some problems at home  
and were giving each other the silent treatment.  

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife  
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece  
of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.'  He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it  
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
 
Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he  
noticed a piece of paper by the bed.   The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.  Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Natchitoches, Louisiana

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana.

They approached the city of Natchitoches and started arguing about the pronunciation of the city’s name. As they were arguing back and forth they stopped for lunch.

At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?"

The waitress leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door." So they do this, and begin painting their room.

Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

The Ocean – ALL you Need to Know!!
 

Children Writing About the Ocean….

1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an <deleted> on the top of its head.
(Billy, age ????
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and comes
back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
off eating beans. (William, age 7)
???? - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom and my big sister has
just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean it is very cold and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age ????
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"

 "Sand," answered Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that. Get off the bike." The guard detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags. He releases Juan and lets him cross the border.

 A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years.

Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

"Hey Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about... Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

Patient is discharged from hospital after heart surgery and the doctor told him a few things he could and shouldn’t do. Patient asked “ what about sex”
Doctor said that’s ok but only with your wife, I wouldn’t want to get you too excited

What do you call it when a short person waves to you?
A microwave.

Here's a question for all you mind readers out there...

Without the Super Bowl....
...most Americans would have no idea what a Roman Numeral is

"I see", said the blind man as he <deleted> into the wind, "It all comes back to me now."

Why dont chickens wear underwear??

Because their peckers are on their face!!!

What did the Doe say when she came out of the woods?
I'm not doing that again for two bucks.

Why did the condom fly across the room??

It got <deleted> off!!!!

A friend of mine overdosed on viagra.
His wife is taking it very hard.

My Wife asked for a piano for her birthday but, I gave her a upright organ instead.

What is the difference between a white fairy tale and a black fairy tale?

A white fairy tale starts..."Once upon a time in a land far far away...."

A black fairy tail begins..."Listen y'all m#therf#ckers... yo aint gonna believe dis s**t..."

Two cats are having a swimming race.

One is called “One Two Three”, the other “Un Deux Trois”.

Which cat won?

“One Two Three”, because “Un Deux Trois” cat sank.

One buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING.

However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing." Well, here it is:

* You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Direct Marketing.

* You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says ,"She's fantastic in bed."
That's Advertising.

* You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Telemarketing.

* You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
That's Public Relations.

* You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."
That's Brand Recognition.

*You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

* Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.
That's Tech Support.

* You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
That's Facebook.

* You are at a party; this attractive older man walks up to you and grabs your ass.
That's Donald Trump.

* You didn't mind it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended and you are awarded a settlement.
That's America !
 

Last night it snowed.

8:00 am: I made a snowman.

8:10 - My feminist neighbor asked me why I had not made a snow woman.

8:15 – I gave my snowman a sex change.

8:17 - My feminist neighbor then complained about my snow woman's large bosom saying that it objectified women everywhere.

8:20 - The lesbian couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and said that I should have made two snow women, so I made my snow woman a partner.

8:22 - The transgender man/women/person asked why I didn't just make one snow individual with detachable parts.

8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot noses, as vegetables are food and not to be wasted to decorate snow figures.

8:28 – Black Lives Matter turned up and called me a racist because the snow couple were both white.

8:30 - I used food colouring to make one of the snow couple a different colour to be more racially inclusive.

8:37 – I was then accused of the even worse offence of applying black-face to a white individual.

8:39 - The Middle Eastern gent across the road demanded the snow women be dressed in burkas for the sake of their modesty.

8:40 - The police arrived and read out the list of complaints that had been made against me.

8:42 - The feminist neighbour returned to complain that the broom that the snow woman was holding should be removed because it depicted women in a purely domestic role.

8:43 - The local council Equality Officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.

8:45 – A TV news crew from the BBC showed up. I was asked if I knew the difference between snowmen and snow women. Jokingly, I replied, "Snowballs". The female news reporter denounced me as a sexist pig.

9:00 - I was on the TV news as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe, and sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.

9:10 – The police asked if I had any accomplices. My children were then taken into care by Social Services.

9:29 – Far-left protesters, offended by everything I’d done, marched down the street demanding my arrest for hate crimes.

9:45 – By now the story was all over social media. My boss called and fired me because of the negative association with his company.

10:00 - I cried into my drink because all I wanted to do was build a bloody snowman

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS  AUDITOR:   “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".

Boat  Owner:   “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board.  Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the workaround here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".

IRS AUDITOR:      “That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".

Boat Owner:      “That would be me. What would you like to know”?

(Sounds a bit like LOS)