Beachcomber

Instead of getting married again… I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her everything I own.

My idea of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

Have you ever noticed that people who think everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it, look both ways before crossing the road.

I don’t believe in reincarnation and I didn’t believe it when I was a hamster.

Russian Newspaper

A Russian buys a newspaper, looks at the front page and tosses it in the trash. He does this for a couple of weeks and the newsstand guy finally asks him why he always just looks at the front page and throws paper away. He replies, I'm looking for an obituary. Newsstand guys says, obituaries aren't on the front page. Russian replies, the one I'm looking for will be!

95th Birthday

Four brothers left home for university, they became successful doctors and solicitors and had families of their own.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together where they discussed the 95th birthday gifts they sent to their elderly mother who had moved to Queensland.
The first said, “I had a big house built for Mum on the canals.”
The second said, “I had a large movie theatre added to the house.”
The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mum loved reading the Bible but now her eyesight is failing and she can’t read anymore. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it. Mum only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it.”  
Mum sent out the following “Thank You” notes.
She wrote: "Adam, the house you built is huge but even though I live in only one room, I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
“Bradley, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered. I have no use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”
“Christopher, you gave me an expensive theatre with Dolby sound and it can hold 50 people.   All of my friends are dead, I’ve lost my hearing, and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest David, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you so much. Love, Mum”

Feeling old

1. When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

3. Age 50 might be the new 40, but 8:00 pm is the new midnight.

4. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

5. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

6. When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

7. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

8. I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

9. Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

10. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

11. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

12. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13. I run like the winded.

14. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

15. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

16. When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

17. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

18. When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

19. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

20. Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

21. My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Propaganda

When an English man has a really good look at something.

RABBITS

2 Rabbits escape from the test labority, over fields they run until they come into a cabbage patch, they spent the next 2 weeks eating as much as they could, the first rabbit says I'm fed up lets move on so they did, they came upon a field full of Does, they spent the next 2 weeks bonking morning noon and night, the first rabbit says lets go back to the test labority, the second rabbit says what's your problem, we have all the cabbages we can eat and all the Does we can mate with, THE FIRST ONE SAYS, YES i KNOW, But I am dying for a fag.

15 minutes ago, Crossy said:

You must be talking about me.

I can have something lying around for years, need not be cables,  you can bet the day after I have a clear out I will need it. 

????

48 minutes ago, KhunBENQ said:

There is another primitive method sometimes used for big truck wheels.

Kind of putting/gluing a plug from outside without removing the tire.

That's NOT recommended. Best for slow ride to a proper workshop.

Rubbish 

Perfectly good and easy way of fixing a puncture in the tread section.

Got three of those in a couple of my pickup tyres that have been good for many years, and still good to this day.

I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me...