Beachcomber

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than the men who mention it.

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the Army is???

Every time I ask someone, they tell me  "it's private."

I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said, "Me? How."

Someone has glued my pack of cards together...

I don't know how to deal with it

A couple had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming sex session, she turned on the lights,looked down..... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated vibrator......soft, wonderful and larger than a real dick.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent <deleted>," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly :

"I'll explain the toy ....... you explain the kids."

My partner yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

I replied "No..."

They responded: "How about now?"

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

Ones quite heavy and the others a little lighter.

An elderly couple found love late in life.  Both aged 94, they decided to get married.

On their wedding night, they were getting undressed and, half undressed, the bride turned to her husband and said: "I have a confession to make.  I have acute angina."

With a sigh of relief, her husband says: "Thank God for that, because your tits are awful!"

Scientists have discovered that there is a certain type of food that puts Women off SEX

It's called Wedding Cake

Wembley woes

Gareth Southgate gets in a taxi and notices the driver looking in his mirror at him. After 2 mins the driver says "Go on then give me a clue?"

Southgate replies “I played for Aston Villa and England and now manage the England team, is that enough?”

Driver says "No I meant where do you want me to drive you to?"

The Wife and I have had a disagreement of where to go for our Holidays.
I want want to go on a trip around the World. But she wants to go somewhere else.

 Never laugh at your spouse's choices.  You are one of them.

Camping:  where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person

When you can't find the sunshine . . . be the sunshine.

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!

Came across this quote about Louis Armstrong:-

Born poor, died rich, and never hurt anyone along the way

Mechanics Bible

Found on a sign at a lube shop,
"He who hath no oil may throw the first rod"