Beachcomber

So what if I can't spell Armageddon?

It's hardly the end of the world!

Two blokes at a pub were discussing event of the world over a couple of schooners when the talk turned to politicians and government.  1 bloke made the observation that most politicians appeared to be 'post turtles'.  The 2nd bloke scratched his head and asked what he meant.  
1st bloke replied: Sometimes when you're driving down a country road you see a turtle balanced on top of a fence post.  That's a 'post turtle'.  The 2nd bloke still looked puzzled and asked how that applied to politicians.  The first bloke explained:
You know he didn't get into that position by himself, he has been elevated above his ability to function, he doesn't belong up there and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there.  The 1st bloke finished with:  You just can't help but wonder what kind of dumb <deleted> put him there in the first place!

(Too True)

I told me wife: There's only one thing that scares me during Halloween...

My wife: "Which is?"

Me: “Exactly”

Why are Vampires sick?

Cuz their are always ""Coffining""

It doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor. At the end of the day . . . it’s
night.

I just got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height…

Apparently, they didn’t like my critter sizing.

Which country is the largest weapons supplier of the Ukraine?

Russia ! ! !

The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country !!!!

I think they're in de Nile.

How do you make the number one disappear?

You just add a G and then it's Gone.

5 hours ago, Dmaxdan said:

In the video the truck driver behind impatiently beeps his horn and tries to nudge the motorcyclist forward because he doesn't move immediately once the lights have turned green.

So in my humble opinion he should be taking some of the blame for this horrible accident.

That must be one of the most stupid posts ever.

Even for this forum this has got to be up in the top of the list of most stupid posts.

2 hours ago, Fore Man said:

It also didn’t help that a Navy submarine surfaced less than 100 meters from us as it was returning into the harbor, forcing me to steer hard to starboard to avoid a collision.  The tiller then snapped and left us at the mercy of the wind and tides

Sail has priority over power doesn't it ?

I hope you made a strong complaint to the Navy and demanded compensation for you broken tiller  

3 hours ago, KannikaP said:

Started ELVIS this morning but it got a bit tedious after 90 minutes, with another hour to go, so I gave up. 

I'm an Elvis fan and with Tom Hanks in the lead role it should have been good. Very disappointing????

Tom Hanks make up was pretty good though. 

Buy an MP3 player with ear buds and download some audio books to listen too.

Works better than counting sheep ????

Are you sure its rust?

My neighbor has a similar problem and what looks like rust is actually the glue from sticking the insulating stuff.

Those roof sheets are usually made from non-rust metal.

Just a thought.

15 hours ago, plus7 said:

Beachcomber, thank you very much for your underestimated comment. Initially I didn't understand it completely and skipped it in my mind.

Only now I realized what you actually meant.

Thank you, thank you!

 

 

You are welcome, "Steam Pressure Relief Valve" is not a phrase that readily springs to mind.

In your situation things are not so bad. The Hot water unit actually is not sealed even though the tap at the sink is closed. 

The inlet pipe is still open and theoretically, any build up of steam from a faulty unit could have a relief route pushing the water in the inlet pipe all the way back to the village supply, relieving the pressure in your unit.

Don't know how your neighbors would feel about having hot steaming water coming out of their cold tap. ????

The art teacher asked the class of children to do a picture representing the word ‘panic’.
The art teacher asked the children to use their imaginations.
Which they did ,  some paintings were really good ,there was a picture of a stormy night at sea where a large sail ship had founded onto rocks during the storm ,and the lifeboat that had come to their rescue couldn’t quite reach them ,and you could see the panic in the captain’s eyes fearing for the safety of his crew.
Another picture showed a burning building where a man is trapped on a wooden ledge that was at the top of the building , when the fireman’s ladder could not reach the high ledge, and you could see the panic in the man’s eyes.
Then the teacher came across an odd picture , in fact it wasn’t a picture at all ,just a large ‘X’.
Billy , she called please could you explain the meaning of this picture?
Billy told the teacher that he had three teenaged sisters and each month on a calendar in the kitchen there would three X’s .
This month there was only two ,………………………And you should see the panic in our house.

The amount of people who don't know the difference between to and too…

Is two damn high!

A tourist was wandering around Chinatown when he saw a sign above a shop saying "Han Olafson Chinese Laundry". He was curious and entered the shop, to find an old Chinese man inside. He asked the old man about the name of the shop, and the man replied, "I'm Hans Olafson."

"But you're Chinese, how did you come by such a name?" the toourist asked.

The old man explained: "When I came to America 50 years ago, on Ellis Island, they asked us our names. I happened to be standing behind a Norwegian man. When they asked him his name, he replied that he was Hans Olafson. When my turn came, they asked me my name, I said I was Sam Ting. That's how I became Hans Olafson."

Guy on the dance floor asks the girl dancing next to him" Here, have you got holes in your Knickers"?
"No, certainly not said the girl' .
He replied " Well how do you get your legs through!"

What do you call a dog with no legs?

– It doesn’t matter, it still won’t come when you call

I've just joined a dating site for arsonists.....

I've been sent a lot of matches.

I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic. He said,
“Go ahead, knock yourself out.”

Went to KFC the other day and had 12 chicken pieces
It was on my bucket list!!

 What did the policeman say to his belly button?

You’re under a vest.