scottiejohn

A woman takes her hamster to the vet, and after a quick look at the creature, the vet pronounces it dead. Not happy with the vet’s declaration, the woman asks for a second opinion. The vet gives a whistle and in comes a Labrador retriever. The dog sniffs at the hamster and pokes it a couple of times before shaking his head.
 “Just as I thought,” says the vet, “your hamster is dead.” Still not happy, the woman asks for a third opinion. The vet opens the back door and in bounds a gray tabby. The cat jumps onto the table and looks the hamster up and down and nudges it with her paw for a few minutes before looking up and shaking her head.
 “Yes, your hamster is definitely dead ma’am,” says the vet. Finally convinced, the woman asks how much she owes.
 “That will be $500, please,” the vet answers.
 “You are charging $500 just to tell me my hamster is dead?” says the woman, bewildered.

 “Well,” says the vet, “there’s my prognosis, the lab report, and the cat scan.”  
 

A camel, a giraffe, a donkey, and a pig all went to an audition at a comedy club. The camel went on first. He did an impersonation of a llama, told ten jokes, and then left the stage. The judges all laughed. Then the giraffe came out. First the giraffe cleared her throat, which took a little while. Then the giraffe did a headstand and told a few tall tales. The judges found her so funny that they asked her to come back the next day. The donkey went on stage next. The donkey had a really zany act, and the judges got a kick out of it. Finally, the pig stood at the microphone. He told a really, really, really, long shaggy-dog story about a circus dog. The joke was so long that it took the pig two hours to tell it. The judges were so upset that they threw the pig out of the club.
Why didn’t the judges like the pig?

 The pig was actually a real boar.  
 

A female lecturer is telling a group of students how to teach maths to small children. 
"It's always a good idea for them to visualise the question. 
For instance, if I said there were three cats on a wall and one was shot dead -- how many were left? -- the children would answer 2. They would be able to see the cats in their mind's eye." 
At that point she was interrupted by one of the students. 
"Excuse me, but I would have answered none to that question." 
The lecturer looked puzzled, repeated the problem but again the student shook his head. 
"My answer would be none," he said. "If one of the cats had been shot then the other two would have been out of there in a flash." 
She replied, "Well, in theory that wouldn't be correct, however I like the way you think." 
The student continued, "May I ask you a question now? If there were three women walking down the street, one licking an ice lolly, one biting an ice lolly and one sucking an ice lolly -- which one would you think was married?" 
The teacher blushed profusely and stuttered a reply. 
"Well ... er ... the one sucking the ice lolly." 

"No," replied the student, smiling, "it would be the one wearing a wedding ring, still, I like the way you think!" 

We need a "Groan" button on this forum after that one.

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, ‘Look at me. I’m old and worn out. You’d never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.’

The new man asked, ‘What happened?’ 

‘One day Riley reported his credit cards missing and the Gendarme arrested me.’

8 hours ago, chickenslegs said:

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner

I thought SHE said;

I plan to have face-lifts until I have a beard.

Soon after being transferred to a new duty station, A Marine husband called home to tell his blonde wife he would be late - again. He went on to say that dirty magazines had been discovered in many of the platoon's lockers and the Officers had to discipline the whole squad. She launched into a tirade, arguing that many men had pictures hanging in their lockers at our previous post, so his new platoon should not be penalized for something so trivial.  She then ranted on demanding to know what pictures he had etc

The husband calmly listened to her gripes and then explained, 

"Dirty magazines: the clips from their rifles had not been cleaned." 
 

15 hours ago, billd766 said:

Is that what they look like?

 

I haven't seen one of those for years,

 

The dishwasher, that is.

I hope these are bad enough to keep the memory alive and kicking!

What did the termite do when she couldn’t carry the twig on her own?
She hired an assist-ant.

     
 Why is it so hard to fool a snake?
 Because you can’t pull its leg.

 Why did the mama ladybug ground her kids?
 They were bugging her.

 What is a frog’s favorite soda?
 Croaka-Cola.

   
 What do you get when you mix a bird with a blender?
 Shredded tweet.

 What shape is like a lost parrot?
 Polygon.

 What do you call a bird that’s been eaten by a cat?
 A swallow.

 What do you call the second bird that’s been eaten by the same cat?
 An after-dinner tweet.

 One day a man walked into a bird shop carrying a beak. “I’m looking for a bird to match this beak,” he said to the owner.
 “No problem,” said the owner. “I’ve got one that’ll fit the bill.”  

 Why did the bird make fun of everyone?
 It was a mockingbird!

 
 ALEX: Did you hear the story about the peacock?
 TRISH: No, but I heard it’s a beautiful tale!