Jamesyboi

Hi,

Looking at traveling to BKK soon

Where in Bangkok is the best pharmacies to buy steroids?

Cheers

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model...

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull... but that's not the worst of it:

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My white walls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it -- ...Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter.... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires !!

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

The structure of the wall was incorrect

So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

It's Raining, It's Pouring.

Oh shit, it's Global Warming.

Jack and Jill went into town

To fetch some chips and sweeties.

He can't keep his heart rate down

And she's got diabetes.

>> >

Mary had a little skirt

with splits right up the sides

and everywhere that Mary went

the boys could see her thighs.

Mary had another skirt

'twas split right up the front

...But she didn't wear that one often.

>> >

Mary had a little lamb

her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her

between two chunks of bread.

>> >

Simple Simon met a pie man going to the

fair.

Said Simple Simon to the pie man

'What have u got there?'

Said the pie man unto Simon

Pies you <deleted>.

>> >

Mary had a little lamb

it ran into a pylon.

10,000 volts went up its arse

and turned its wool to nylon.

>> >

Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie

kissed the girls and made them cry.

When the boys came out to play

he kissed them too cause he was gay.

>> >

Jack and Jill

went up the hill

to have a little fun.

Jill, the dill,

forgot her pill,

and now they have a son.

>> >

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

and planned to do some kissing

Jack made a pass

and grabbed her ass

Now two of his teeth are missing.

>> >

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white and wispy.

>> >

Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease

And now it's black and crispy.

A man is showering up in a locker room with his buddy when he notices his friend is very well endowed.

"dam_n Bob you're hung!" Jim exclaims. "I wasn't always this impressiveI had to work for it."

"What do you mean?" Jim asked.

"Well every day for the past two years I've spent an hour each night rubbing it with butter.

I know it sounds crazy but it actually made it grow 4 inches! You should try it." Jim agrees and the two

say good bye.

A few months later the two are in the same locker room and Bob asks Jim how his situation was.

Jim replied"I did what you saidBobbut I've actually gotten smaller! I lost two inches already!"

"Did you do everything I told you? An hour each day with butter?"

"Well I was out of butter so I've been using Crisco."

"Crisco?" Bob exclaimed. "dam_n it Jim Crisco is shortening !

MORAL: You gotta follow the recipe!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2SEvoMF2Mc

hopefully link doesn't get removed from youtube soon.

I am ,You Are, WE ARE AUSTRALIANS

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional wanke_r. We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided into many States.

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.

Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the notion that the family that roots together stays together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single mass shooting, which the Yanks can't seem to beat no matter how often or hard they try. South Australia is the province of half-decent reds, a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA is the state of innovation. Where else can you so effectively re-use country bank vaults and barrels as in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to sleep at the wheel. Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't have daylight saving because if it did, all the men would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA was the last state to stop importing convicts and many of them still work there in the government and business. The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land. Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe, kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although the Territory is the centrepiece of our national culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to flyover it on our way to Bali. And there's Queensland. While any mention of God seems silly in a document defining a nation of half arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a mystery. Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better. We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year than murderers. We are united in our lust for international recognition, so desperate are we for praise, we leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We are united by a democracy so flawed that a political party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a million votes and still not win one seat in Federal Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to our Pommy immigrants. We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase, "she'll be right mate" our national attitude and "Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide). We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's winning. And we're the best in the world at all the sports that count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union, AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing. We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe. Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or cameras but chain the pens to the desk. Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime. Even though we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed little people, at least we feel better for it. I am, you are, we are Australian! P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on our National Crest!!!! No other country has this distinction!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO incredible!

'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? '

'No,' she replies. . . . . .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Pick up lines with come backs!

1.) Male: Haven't I seen you some place before?

Female: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

2.)Male: Is this seat empty?

Female: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down.

3.)Male: Your place or mine?

Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine.

4.)Male: So, what do you do for a living.

Female: I'm a female impersonator.

5.)Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Female: DO NOT ENTER.

6.)Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Female: Unfertilized.

7.)Male: Your body's like a temple

Female: Sorry, there are no services today.

8.)Male: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Female: But would you please stay there?

9.)Male: If I saw you naked, I'd die happy.

Female: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?

100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.

Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Pepper spray will do that to you .

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and a English zoo?

An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... 'a recipe..'

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?

A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

Poor Max !

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Max !'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Max !'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Max , get away from her, before she shits on you!'

Three guys are in a strip club. One guy walks over to a stripper, licks a 50 dollar bill and sticks it to one side of her butt.

The next guy doesn't want to be shown up so he takes a 100 dollar bill, licks it, and sticks it to the other side of her butt.

The third guy doesn't want to be shown up but he doesn't have any money. He thinks for a moment and suddenly he gets an idea. He walks over to the stripper, takes out his ATM card, slides it down the crack of her ass, takes his 150 dollars and goes home!

A blind man and his seeing eye dog walked into a store. When he gets in, he starts swinging his dog around. Upset by this, the manager of the store demanded to know what he was doing. The blind man calmly replied, "I'm just lookin' around."

Two missionaries in Africa were apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, built a huge fire under it, and left them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries started to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary couldn't believe it! He said, ''What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?''

The other missionary replied, ''I just peed in the soup!''

A father, mother, and son were going to Europe and were going to visit the nud_e beaches while they were there.

They didn't want the son to get a distorted view of beauty, so they told him, "The men with really big dicks and the girls with really, really big boobs were both really, really dumb."

When they got to the beach they split up. Later the mother saw the son and asked where his dad was.

The boy said, ''Well, the last time I saw him he was talking to this really, really, dumb blonde, and the longer they talked, the dumber he got.''

A guy walks into a store for some last-minute Christmas shopping, and sees a parrot for sale.

He asks the clerk what the parrot's name is and the clerk tells him it's Chet. He also tells the man that this is one amazing parrot. If you put a match under his left foot, it sings “Jingle Bells,” and if you put a match under its right foot, it sings “Deck the Halls.”

The man thinks that is the coolest thing he's ever seen, so he decides to buy it for his wife. So he gets home, and puts it away.

Then he wonders what will happen if he puts it a match between its legs, so he tries it, and the parrot starts singing “Chet's nuts roasting over an open fire...”

Two women are digging in the garden. One pulls out a foot-long carrot.

She says, "This one reminds me of my husband's."

The second woman says, "Your husband's is that long?"

"No, that dirty."

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually

have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."

"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.

"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results

with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."

"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find

out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,

Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he

suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following

reasons:

I do physical labour.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss

The Response:

Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you

have raised, the administration rejects your request for the

following

reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen

visiting other locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and

stimulated

in

order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as

wearing

the

correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have

completed

assigned task.

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering

and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar.

There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man.

The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly

familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when

suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's

Jesus!"

The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself,

sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"

The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head.

"Yes, I am Jesus" he says.

The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to

give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his

table.

Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir but would you be

Jesus?"

Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint

of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus This the bartender duly does. As

before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus, or

what?"

Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."

The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over Pot

of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and

approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and

shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement.

"Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for

years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the

Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in

shock.

"By Jove", he exclaims, "The migraine I've had for over 40 years is

completely gone. It's a Miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his

face.

The Aussie whispers."Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. Theylike each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room. Heremoves his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on hisarm is one which reads, "Reebok". She thinks that's a bit odd andasks him about it. Dennis says, "When I play basketball, the cameraspick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement." A bit later,his pants are off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg. He givesthe same explanation for the unusual tattoo. Finally, the underwear comesoff and she sees the word "AIDS" tattooed on his penis. She jumpsback with shock. "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!" He says, "It's coolbaby, ina minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".

I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION .

"You better pray that this will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC .

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER .

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP .

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you "

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping,

drank whole bottles of wine, always had a clean house, never had to cook,

did whatever the hel_l she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled

more, had many lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to

herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore fricken

lacy lingerie that went up her arse, had high self esteem, never cried or

yelled, and felt and looked fabulous all the time.

THE END

One day a single mother was in the grocery store with her 4 kids. They were acting up. Bad little kids. They were running around grabbing items off the shelves crying and screaming all over the place. The mother grabbed all and said "I should of swallowed all of you!"

An old man in the nursing home got a bottle of wine for his birthday. He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him.

After they were both totally bombed, he started groping the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina".

The old guy says "God, I hope so, you've got the ugliest tits I've ever seen."

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" replied the teacher. "Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

There was this geriatric woman who thought she needed some toughening to cope with today's world, and decided to join a gang. She rocked up to the hel_l's Angels bikers club and tapped on the door. "Excuse me, sirs, I'd like to join your club if you please" she croaked in her feeble voice. A grunt came from inside, "Ha! You got no chance, woman. We only take the toughest into our club. You can only join if you drink!". "Oh boy, do I drink! I slam a few down every night after playing pool with the boys" she croaked back. "Oh, umm, well... you can only join if you smoke" he lied, trying to brush her off. "Does marijuana count? Coz I don't mind a few joints after playing pool with the boys". "Umm, I suppose it does count..." the biker said, and, thinking quick on his feet said "Look, we're a gang only for the roughest, toughest men in town. Now, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No," she replied, "but I've been swung around by the tits a few times".

Two men are sitting in the doctor's office. The one looks at the other one and says, "What are you here for?" The man replied "I have a red ring around my pecker, What are you here for?" The other man said, "I have a green ring around my pecker." The doctor called the man with the red ring first in his office and examined him. As he was walking out he told the other guy it was no problem. The doctor called the man in with the green ring around his pecker and examined him. The doctor says, "Your pecker is gonna fall off and you are gonna die". The mans says, "What?? You told the man with the red ring he was ok, but I'm gonna die??" The doctor said, "Yes but there's a lot of difference lipstick and gangrene!"

A husband and wife and their two sons are watching TV. She looks at her husband and winks at him, he gets the message and says, "Excuse us for a few minutes boys, we're going up to our room for a little while."

Pretty soon one of the boys becomes curious, goes upstairs and sees the door to his parents bedroom is ajar. He peeks in for a few minutes, trots downstairs, gets his little brother and takes him up to peek into the bedroom.

"Before you look in there," he says, "keep in mind this is the same woman who smacked our asses just for sucking our thumbs."

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

She sleepily replied,

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit."

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

Jack and Tom, are having a beer in a saloon when a cowboy walks in with an Indian's head under his arm. He hands it to the bartender, and the bartender hands him money. The bartender turns to them and says, "I hate Indians. Last week they burnt my barn to the ground and killed my wife and three kids. Anybody brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give them a thousand bucks." Jack and Tom guzzle their beers and leave to go hunt Indians. After a while, they finally spot one. Jack throws a rock, it hits him on the head, the Indian falls off his horse, and rolls seventy feet down a ravine. The two cowboys make their way down the ravine and Tom pulls out his knife to claim their trophy. Jack says, "Tom, take a look at this." Tom says, "Not now, I'm busy." Jack says, "I really think you should have a look." Tom says, "######, can't you see I'm busy? I've got a thousand dollars in my hand." Jack says, "Please, Tom, take a look." Tom looks up at the top of the ravine, and there's five thousand Indians standing there. Tom says, "######! We're gonna be millionaires!"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

"Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."

A man walks into a bar. He sees a good looking, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. He walks up behind her and says: "Hi there good looking, how's it going?"

She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye and says: "Listen, I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn't matter. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat out love it." He says: "No kidding?, I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: hel_l, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that.. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

An elderly couple had attended their local Church Service. About halfway through the sermon he leans over and says to his wife:

"I just let out a silent fart, what do you think I should do?"

She replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid!!! "

A young lad walks out of a store and sees and elderly man sitting on a bench crying. He walks over to the man to check to see if he is O.K!

YM: Sir, are you O.K?

Old Man: Yes, it's my birthday today (and he is still crying)

YM: Wow, it's a special day for you.

Old Man: Yes it is. I'm 82 today (and still crying.)

YM: Even better, you look great for your age.

Old Man: Thank you, and I just got married (and he is still crying.)

YM: Married!! Gee, that's great! 82 and married, wow! You've got a whole new life ahead of you.

Old Man: I married a 25 year old.

YM: Holy Moly!! Even better.

Old Man: We have sex every day! (he's still crying)

YM: I don't even have sex everyday, you lucky person you.

Old Man: No I’m not, I've forgotten where I lived.

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?".

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit andsays,

"A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit,old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties".

The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would

let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie".

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves....

.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you"

To which he is answered, "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night

and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know".

The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it".

The barman said "You never came back, what happened?"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.

"NO!" said the barman,"what from".

After a short pause. The rabbit said...

"Mixin'-me-toasties".

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, Whoseemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As The plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the Bigscary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put yourtrays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed andrather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I askedyou to Raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on theground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing abeat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.Tray-up, B**ch." Have a Great Day !

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery.He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital.As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."The nun asked if he had money in the bank.He replied, "No money in the bank."The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns

are married to God."The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."

The post office just released a stamp in the shape of a clitoris. Its not selling to well as only 3 percent of the male population know how to lick it properly!

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the wing. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

'No,' says the neighbour. 'The seat is empty.'

'This is incredible', said the man. 'Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the AFL Grand Final and not use it?'

The neighbour says, 'Well actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Grand Final we haven't been together since we got married in 1967.'

'Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?'

The man shakes his head.

'No, they're all at the funeral.'

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.

"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Edward, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted...

I saw it on the news, not long after it happened, I thought it was a joke when someone told me about it/ just seemed too sureal at the time. RIP and condolances to all the families and friends.

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, 'What are you doing?'

She answers, 'I'm moving to London . I heard prostitutes there get paid

£ 400 for doing what I do for you for free.'

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and

sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, 'I'm coming too I want to see how you live on 800 pounds a year

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm while his wife is

lying in bed reading.

Man says: 'This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache.'

Wife replies: 'I think you'll find that is a sheep.'

Man replies: 'I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep'

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2

litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head

of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, a 250g pack of

bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a

drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the

cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly

stated,'You must be single.'

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued

by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her

six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her

selections that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what,

you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

A woman rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house yelling to her husband "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All $10,000,000....

"Woooohooo!!!! That's great sweetie" he replies.

"Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

"Who cares", she replies, "Just <deleted> off!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

20 kg's?

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog! is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?

The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?

He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Why is there no Disneyland in China?

No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if t he weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red< and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

40-ish = 49

Adventurous = Bangs your mates

Athletic = No tits

Average looking = Ugly

Beautiful = Pathological liar

Contagious Smile = On lots of prozac

Emotionally secure = On medication

Feminist = Fat and hairy

Free spirit = Junkie

Friendship first = Former very *friendly* person

Fun = Annoying

New Age = Body hair in the wrong places

Open-minded = Desperate

Outgoing = Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate = Anyones after a few drinks

Professional = Bitch

Voluptuous = Big ass

Large frame = Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate = Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbour lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man, "You should be hung!"

To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the Italian front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and had made it to Southampton, England, there to board a train bound for a few days in London.

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only seat unoccupied was directly across from a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"

The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog in the opposite seat.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. Can I sit there? I'm very tired."

The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also quite arrogant. Imagine!"

The soldier leaned against the swaying wall of the train and again asked if he could please sit down.

The lady said, "Not only are you Americans rude and arrogant, you're also very inconsiderate." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog and tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

An Yorkshireman, sitting across the aisle said, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!"

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says:

"Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I look to see what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?"

The startled mother recovers quickly and says:

"Your dad is a little overweight and I'm trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him."

The little kid just shakes his head and says:

"Mom, you're wasting your time."

The mother says:

"Why is that, dear?"

The kid says:

"Because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over and blows daddy right back up!"

John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came through the window but never harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just experienced.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and ?... wasn't drunk.

Suddenly two other people walked into the same pub. They, like John, were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce!? There's that ######ing idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had!?"

Three blokes - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an Aussie engineer are all working together one day and they come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total" says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." POOOOFF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, Israel, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians can come into our precious state." POOOFF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Aussie Engineer says, "I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 5000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable." The Aussie Engineer sits down, cracks a beer, smiles and says, "Fill it with water..."

Two mates were leaning on the bar having a beer when one of them , Larry, says:

"You know, Eric, when I was 18 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with both hands, when I was 25, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard and was sober, by the time I was 35, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem even if I had a few drinks. I'm 48 next week and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand, even when I'm pissed as a newt."

"So," Eric says "What's your point?" Well replies Larry "the point is, I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm going to get."

A 10 -year-old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up

beside him and its window was wound down. "I'll give you a bag of

lollies if you get in the car," said the driver.

"No way, get stuffed!!" replied the boy.

How about a bag of lollies and $10?" The driver asked.

I said no way!" Replied the irritated youngster.

What about a bag of juicy lollies and $50, eh?" Quizzed the driver,

still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.

"No! I'm not getting in the frickin' car!" Answered the boy.

"Okay, okay. I know what you want. I'll give you $100 and a bag of

lollies," the driver offered.

"No!" Screamed the boy.

"What will it take to get you into the car?" Asked the driver with a

long sigh.....

The boy replied:

"Listen Dad, you bought the bloody Volvo, you live with it!"

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her ”Darling, would you give me a blow job?"

Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"

Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"

Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"

Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"

Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"

Him (horny as hel_l): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"

Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"

Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"

Her: "No, no. I just can't"

Him: "I beg you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."

A husband cuddled up to his wife and softly whispered into her ear: "Could we make love, please dear?"

"Not tonight, darling, I've got a splitting headache," she replied.

"Please, I'll only stick it in for a minute," pleaded her husband.

His wife retorted: "What do you think I am, a ######in' microwave?"

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to his mom and dads for the night.

In the morning, little brother Johnny gets up and has his breakfast.

As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Johnny comes home and asks, "Is Fred and Mary up yet?"

"No."

Johnny asks his mom, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK! OK!!" What do you think?

He says, "Well, last night Fred came and asked for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane superglue

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Darn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?" " Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium.Each time there's a game, a lot of > fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!"

"So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 o off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....

A cabbie picks up a nun.

She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I've sinned.

I lied.

I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw

two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his

driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We

have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed

you", the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there,

under that tree."

"Bring them along" the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he

stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a

wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car

as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor

fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you

for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.

The grass is almost a foot high."

"How come you're late?" the bartender asks Judi, the waitress as she walks in the door.

"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken, his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. Thank God I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."

"What did you do?" asks the bartender.

"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through

the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming

home half drunk?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."