Jamesyboi

A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red. He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" Jenna replies, "No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

Why don't they teach drivers ed. and sex ed. in the same day in Arkansas? It's too hard on the mules.

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:

"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" "Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

Eddie came to work Monday and his co-workers asked him how his weekend was. He said he played a little golf. So his co-worker asked him how well he did.

"I hit two of my best balls," he said.

"Tell me about it," said his co-worker. "I stepped on a rake."

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

Saddam Hussein and George W. Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the First button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Bush carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge. They begin talking and Bush presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!" Dubya says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. and now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Desperate

********************************************

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package,while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGH! T YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0.If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly. WAV files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.

These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech! Support

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

"What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.

The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."

A man goes to see the doctor and tells the doc that his penis has turned orange.

The doctor looks at it and says, “I haven't ever seen any thing like this before in my entire medical career. What do you do for a living? Do you work around any hazardous materials?” The man says no.

The doctor asks the man what he does all day. The man responds, “Nothing.” The doctor is really puzzled now and says, “You can't not do anything. What do you do at home all day?”

The man replies, “Honestly, doc I, don't do anything. I just sit around, watch porno flicks and eat Cheetos.”

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were

training to become detectives. To test their skills in

recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a

picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your

suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch

him fast because he only has one eye!"The Policeman

says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows

his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he

flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde

and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you

recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and

says,"Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only

has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's

the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and

one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his

profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up

with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the

picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice

asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize

him?" He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me

a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment

and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he

really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears

contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting

answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his

file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the

room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file

in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile

on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE!

The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good

work! How were you able to make such an astute

observation?

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear

regular glasses because he only has one eye and one

ear."

Corporate Lesson 1

------------------

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing her

shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bill, the next door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bill says, "I'll give you 800 pounds to drop that

towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and

stands naked in front of Bill.

After a few seconds, Bill hands her 800 pounds and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bill the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 pounds he

owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to

credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position

to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2

------------------

A priest offered a lift to a nun.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal some bare

leg. The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest removed his hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.

It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might

miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3

------------------

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to

lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes

out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk "I want to be in the

Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's

gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,

relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of

Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, your turn" the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want

those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4

------------------

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him,

"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow

answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the

crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting

very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5

------------------

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to

the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull.

"They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough

strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after

eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a

fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshlt might get you to the top, but it won't keep

you there.

One day Little Sally got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Joey.

When she found Joey she told him what was happeing, but he didn't quite understand so she showed him what her problem was. Joey's face got very serious and he said, "You know, I'm no doctor, but it looks like someone ripped your balls off!"

Sleeping at the desk excuses

10) ''They told me at the blood bank this might happen.''

9) ''This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.''

8) ''Whew! Guess I left the top off the Wite-Out. You probably got here just in time!''

7) ''I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.''

6) ''I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.''

5) ''I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stess. Do you discriminate toward people who practice Yoga?''

4) ''Dang! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.''

3) ''The coffee machine is broken...''

2) ''Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot...''

1) ''.....in Jesus' name, Amen.''

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.

After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I''m sorry to bother you, but I''m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket."

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I''ve got a better idea... just for tonight, let''s pretend we''re married."

The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own ###### blanket!"

A husband and wife were lying in bed together one night. The wife rolled over and placed her hand lovingly on the chest of her husband.

"Honey," the wife said, "if I died would you get married again?"

The husband said, "Never, my dear."

The wife said, "I''m sure you would."

So the husband said, "Okay, I would"

"Would you let her sleep in our bed?" the wife asked.

And the husband replied, "I suppose so."

Then the wife asked, "Would you let her wear my clothes?"

"I doubt she''d want to," the husband said. "She''d be so much thinner."

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted. "No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

3 Stages of Sex:

1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room.

2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom. 3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "###### you!"

An old woman goes in to a sex shop, shaking. "Sir," she says in a shaky voice, "do you sell vibrators?" "Yes, ma'am." "And are they this big around and this long?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "And they're $22.95?" she asks in a shaky voice. "Yes, ma'am." "How do you turn them off?"

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."

The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"

"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."

"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"

"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.

"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.

So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."

"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the shoulders of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hel_l are you doing?"

"Well," said the guy, "I''m a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can''t help practicing my art!" "That''s the stupidest thing I''ve ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

A gentleman on a flight to Atlanta had a serious problem. He had made several attempts to get into the men’s restroom, but found it to be occupied.

The stewardess noticed that he was walking funny, taking small steps, and had a look of pain and anxiety on his face. “Sir,” she said, “the ladies’ restroom is unoccupied. You may use it if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.”

He was about to pop, and would have promised anything, so he agreed to her terms. The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there, savoring the feeling he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Three white buttons were identified by the letters: “WW”, “WA”, and “PP”, and there was one red button labeled “ATR.”

Who would really know if he touched them? He couldn’t just sit there and resist a challenge like this, so he pushed the “WW” button. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. Such a nice feeling came over him. The men’s restroom didn’t have nice things like this.

Anticipating even greater pleasure, he pressed the “WA” button. Warm air replaced the warm water, wafting and swirling about, gently drying his underside. He knew what he was going to do when the warm air stopped, and without hesitation, he pressed the “PP” button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom, adding a fragrant scent of spring flowers to his unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies’ room was far more than a restroom; it was a place of tender, loving pleasure! He could hardly wait for the powder puff to quit. When it did, he pushed what he knew was going to be the ultimate joy.

He knew he was in the hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

”What happened? How did I get here? The last thing I remember, I was in the ladies’ restroom on a flight to Atlanta!” “You pushed one too many buttons,” replied the nurse, as her smirk expanded to a grin. “That last button marked “ATR” is an automatic tampon remover. Your penis is under your pillow.”

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg is frowning and looking very frustrated. The egg mutters, to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.

She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."

She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:

"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.

Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.

Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."

There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.

A new page appears. It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.

"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."

"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.

"Get my brown pants."

One day at the rest home, an old man and woman are talking. Out of nowhere the woman says, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

He doesn't understand but does it anyway. She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

A woman is at a doctor's office. She begs the doctor, "Please kiss me!"

The doctor says, "No!"

She asks again, "Doctor please kiss me."

The doctor says, "No!"

Once more she begs the doctor: "Doctor please kiss me!" The doctor says, "No! I probably shouldn't even be ######ing you."