Jamesyboi

Brian woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's side of the bed.

His wife, Lisa, had already awakened though, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, Brian called his little boy into the room and asked him to

"take this note to your beautiful Mummy."

The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,

The Canvas Is Spread,

To hel_l With Breakfast,

Come Back To Bed.

Lisa, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to "take this to your silly daddy."

The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,

Put The Canvas Away,

The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,

No Circus Today.

Brian read the note and quickly scribbled a reply.

Then, he asked his son to take it back to "the lady in the kitchen."

The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,

And The Canvas Still Spread,

So Drop What You're Doing,

And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Lisa answered the note and then asked her son to take this to "the poor dude upstairs."

The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's

The Best In The Land.

But I'm Busy Right Now,

Do It By Hand !

A newly married couple returned to their house after being on honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and have a bop?" the husband asked.

"Shhhh!" said the bride "All the neighbours will know what we're about to do.

These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in

code. For example, how about asking 'Have you left the washing machine door

open' instead?

So the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the

washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it" replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little amorous herself and she

nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open

after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No thanks" said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is

stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just

idiots..

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things. I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back. I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are

celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural

stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your

house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.

Elderly Man in K-mart

An elderly man approached a very beautiful young woman in K-Mart.

"Excuse me," he said, "I've lost my wife somehow. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow said, "Certainly, Sir. Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my Wife appears out of nowhere."

Tongue twister accident

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence. We both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?" The other guy says, "Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, ‘I’d like two tickets to Pittsburgh’, I accidentally said ‘I’d like two pickets to Tittsburgh’., so she socked me a good one."

The first guy replied, "Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, ‘Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey’. But I accidentally said, "You’ve ruined my life, you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch."

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A huge Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins,

cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast,

> steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son. what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $3.80

Saying the right thing at the right time . . Priceless

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The Honeymoon

A guy out on the golf course gets hit in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.

He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week.

The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together; ..an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal her beautiful breasts. She said, "You're the first; no one has EVER touched these."

He immediately drops his pants and replies,....................... "Look at this,....still in the CRATE!"

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Dressed and Ready

A couple was dressed and ready to go out into the city for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.

They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my Mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me but it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car......

Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible To Say When You’re Drunk

1. Nope, no more booze for me

2. Macca's? No thanks, I’m not hungry.

3. Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?

4. Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

5.I’m not interested in fighting you.

6. Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!

7. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to piss in this parking lot or on the road side.

8.I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...

(1) The woman buys the food.

(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or A Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all

the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the

garage.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their

tongue.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead

of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with

a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up

into the toilet.

A woman was called to the Funeral Home. The Director told the woman that as her husband had died with a erection, they were having a hard time getting the lid on the coffin. She thought for a moment, then said, "Tape it to his chest".

The director replied, 'we tried that and he sat up in the coffin.'

She thought again and said, "Tape it to his leg".

"We tried that and all that happened was his leg popped up"

She thought one more time, and said, "Cut it off and shove it up his ass"

The next day she went in to view the body. She leaned over the coffin and noticed that in the corner of one eye there was a tear.

She smirked, "See you son-of-a-bitch, I told you it would hurt"...

Mom calls the husband a 'bastard' and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch" and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?" and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen" and then later billy goes outside and listens to his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"

So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"

His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"

and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "shit"

and billy said "Dad, whats shit" And then his dad says "Well billy, shit is a type of Shaving cream "

and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "######!"and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats ######?" "Well billy ###### is a way of cutting the turkey"

and Then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says

"Hello bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,

my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen ######ing the Turkey"

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and jewellery. Inside, he finds a

young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a

chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of

her, APPEARS TO kiss her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his

wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's

probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I

saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't

complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he

nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my

ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had

any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love

you, too..."

There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could

have been worse." No matter what happened, the old

sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been

worse."

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered

an emergency call at a farmhouse When they walked

in, they found the nud_e bodies of a man and a woman

in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.

When they went to the living room, they found the body of

a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was

a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and

found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them

both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder

and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here

he's going to say 'it could have been worse."

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people

in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It

couldn't be worse. You're on."

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He

walked into the bedroom and saw the two nud_e bodies. He

then walked into the living room and saw the man on the

floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the

sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder

and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in

bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he

shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his

deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said,

"it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted,

"Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three

people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead.

It couldn't have been worse?!?"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there

on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would

be me in there in that bed!"

Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville near old petrol

station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them And blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed. About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He ###### near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his Crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear. The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they Concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead. Baby Polar Bear

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear , my parents are all polar bear , your mom is all polar bear , and her parents are all polar bear ." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear ?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear , your father is all polar bear , my parents are all polar bear , and his parents are all polar bear ." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear ?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear , your mother is all polar bear , your father is all polar bear , and his parents are all polar bear . Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bear s replies, "Because I'm f***ing freezing!"

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the

doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your

clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

I love Ind ian jokes, this is a new one to me.

There once was an Ind ian whose given name was "Onestone", so named

because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked

everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again

I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one

day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,

Onestone..." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the

forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love

to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The

word got around that Onestone meant serious business.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a

woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for

many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed

when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you,

Onestone..." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made

love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night

but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!

What is the moral of this story???

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

BANTA

Banta was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK,Banta how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Banta and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Banta! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Banta's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Banta that he thinks Banta's knowing Cruise was just lucky."No, no, just name anyone else," Banta says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Banta says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington ."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Banta on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Banta, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting,but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Banta, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Banta."My folks are from Poland , and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome . Banta and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when

Banta says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. "Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican . Sure enough, half an hour later Banta emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Banta returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Banta asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who's that on the balcony with Banta?"

Top Ten Reasons to go to Work Naked

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1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to

your exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep

them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

11. No one steals your chair anymore.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

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Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

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Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

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?How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

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Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

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Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

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Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

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What disease did cured ham actually have?

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How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

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Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

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Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

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If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

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Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

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If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

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Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

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If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

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If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

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If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

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Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

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Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

* * * * * * * * * * *

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m.

The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!" "I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly...Peter Peter,something or other...."

* * * * * * * * * * *

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."

The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."

The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn''t matter, I want to buy those women a drink."

The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."

The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."

The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"

The first lady says, "We're lesbians."

The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"

The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies."

The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN (WHO HAPPENED TO BE MAORI), WERE SITTING NAKED IN A

SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM, AND

THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID. "I

HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO

HER EAR. WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE

A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD

TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE.

SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A

PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........

"WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M GETTING A FAX !"

On a recent transpacific flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.

The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing

Is

struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front

Of

the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well,

if I'm

Going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable!

Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril.

They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the

plane.

Then an Aussie bloke stands up in the rear of the plane. He is

gorgeous:

tall, well built, with sun-bleached blond hair and blue eyes.

He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt

...........one

button at a time.

No one moves.

Everyone is transfixed.

He removes his shirt.

Muscles ripple across his chest.

She gasps......

He whispers.....

Here ya go luv - iron this and then go get me a beer...."

Happy and Sad

A husband and wife were sharing a very romantic interlude by candle light, with a superb bottle of wine,

a beautiful meal and romantic music, when the wife said, I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at

the same time." The husband thought for a few moments, and then said, "You're a better root than your sister ."

Words Women Use>>>

1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are >right and you need to shut up.

>>2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.>Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more >minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.>>

3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and >you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end >in fine.>>

4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!>>

5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement >often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot >and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you >about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)>>

6.) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can >make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before >deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.>>

7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say >you're welcome.>>

8.) Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!>>

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning >this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is >now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's >wrong?" For the woman's response refer to god for the answer

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight when Grandpafound a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet. He asked about using one of the pills. The son said" I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strongand very expensive". "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa,"I'd still like to try one, and before weleave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110.00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not$110.00." "I know," said Grandpa."The hundred is from Grandma"

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling AAA is not an option. I will win.

______________________________________________

Because I'm a man , when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like beer, milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it.....though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator..... ( applies to engineers mainly).

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't....and if you are feeling amorous afterwards....then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

_______________________________________________

Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2007, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest...... Like wandering around in the garden with a beer wondering what to do.

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting

something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world

end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left

by those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to

fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands

of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."

Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"######," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender.

The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins.

The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender grins at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here, spray beer all over the bar, and have you smile about it.".......

The Mayonnaise Jar and Two Cups of Coffee

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in

a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the two cups of

coffee.

=============================

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The

pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes".

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, " I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things in life. Your God, your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite

passions: things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else: the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.

######!

Candace Michelle ######!

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother,

"My hands are freezing cold."

The mother replied,

"Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up."

The daughter did - and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said,

"My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied,

"Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up."

He did and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter.

He said,

"My nose is cold."

The girl replied,

"Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."

He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter and he said,

"My penis is frozen solid."

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother,

"Have you ever heard of a penis?"

Slightly concerned the mother said,

"Why, yes. Why do you ask?"

The daughter replies,

"They make one hel_l of a mess when they defrost, don't they?"

Good ol Aussie thinkin...... Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, had been adrift in a lifeboat for 5 days . While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp.

He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Crown Larger!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher.

The genie vanished.

Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice goin' Davo! - Now we're gunna have to piss in the boat."

Idiot # 1

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.

She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Here's your sign lady. Wear it with pride.

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Idiot # 2

Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.

When they took it for a float on the river, a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them surprised them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.

They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign guys. Don't get it wet, the paint might run.

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Idiot # 3 - A true story out of San Francisco

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "This is a stick up. Put all your muny in this bag."

While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo.

After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

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Idiot # 4

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

Another sign (though this guy might be onto something worth thinking about)!

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Idiot # 5

Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Remind me to have more signs printed up. Give this guy his!

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Idiot # 6

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out himself.

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Idiot # 7

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.

The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign!

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Idiot # 8

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 A.M., flashed a gun and demanded cash.

The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

Please note that these people are allowed to vote!

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Two hunters from Michigan

(true story)

This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:

A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has $560 monthly payments. He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with the guns, the dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill.

So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and the new Navigator), because they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns and the dog? Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING. Especially things thrown by the owner.

You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now.

The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with # 8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane.

The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. ----BOOM!---- Dog and

Navigator are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered. He still had yet to make the first of those $560 a month payments!

And you thought your day

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President. You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal.

You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conservations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING 'WOO-HOO!' IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOK

MORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKER THAN THE GODDESS WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY EXCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE 'OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!'

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE GIN.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR

FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

A TOUGH OLD COWBOY COUNSELLED HIS GRANDSON THAT IF HE WANTED TO LIVE A LONG LIFE, THE SECRET WAS TO SPRINKLE A PINCH OF GUN POWDER ON HIS, OATMEAL EVERY MORNING.

THE GRANDSON DID THIS RELIGIOUSLY TO THE AGE OF 103.

WHEN HE DIED, HE LEFT 14 CHILDREN, 30 GRANDCHILDREN, 45 GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN,25 GREAT-GREAT-GRANDCHILDREN AND A 15 FOOT HOLE WHERE THE CREMATORIUM USED TO BE.

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HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN

Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry basket according to lights and darks.

Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.

Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and

pumice stone.

Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.

Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs.

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

Spray mould spots with Tile cleaner.

Get out of shower.

Dry with towel the size of a small country.

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave

them in a pile.

Walk naked to the bathroom.

If you see wife along the way, shake willy at her making the 'woo-woo'sound.

Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.

Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.

Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Rinse off and get out of shower.

Partially dry off.

Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of the shower the whole time.

Admire willy size in mirror again.

Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the

'woo-woo' sound again.

Throw wet towel on bed.

John Howard was jogging in Canberra.

Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost

certain to follow. 'Two hundred and fifty dollars!' she'd shout from

the curb.

'No! Five dollars!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

He'd run by and she'd yell, 'Two hundred and Fifty dollars!'

He'd yell back, 'Five dollars!'

One day, Mrs Howard decided that she wanted to accompany her husband

on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street

corner, Mr Howard realised she would bark her $250 offer and Mrs

Howard would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past

outings.

He figured he'd better have a darn good explanation for the 'Boss'.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner,

he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was

the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the

pair jog past.

Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:

........'See what you get for five bucks, you tight bastard?!'

A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon

that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were loose and

flapping.

Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be

kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she

found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I

thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for

confidentiality and that the first rose was from him.

"I felt sad because you went through this all by

yourself.The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery

and empathized, because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."

"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit.

He wanted to thank you for his new ears.

The Power of Beer

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly The bar falls silent.

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,

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(Wait for it)

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(It's coming)

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(Ya ready?)

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(Don't hate me)

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(Ya gonna hate me)

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(Take a deep breath)

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"He should've quit while he was a head !"