AltumAngel

A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog For Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a Dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."

So the Lab continued. "But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a> mess of puppies and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants

for the dog.

"Ten dollars," the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, Beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00

"Why so little,"she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I have to tell you first that this bird has lived in a House of Prostitution for the past twenty years and sometimes it says some pretty tough stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided at that price she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home, hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, turned his head to one side and said, "New house, new Madam." The woman was a bit offended at the implication, but then Thought, "Well, that's really not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new Madam, new girls". The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then they began to laugh about the comments considering how and where the parrot had been living for the past twenty years.

Moments later, the woman's husband Frank came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Frank."

A little girl was walking along a beach in California when

she came across a man with no clothes on and just a newspaper

covering his genitals.

The little girl said, "What do you have under that newspaper, Mister?"

The man said, "Nothing, it's just a bird, now go away!"

The man thought nothing of her and quickly fell asleep.

Hours later, the man woke up in a hospital bed in excrutiating pain.

"Where the hel_l am I?"

A doctor replied, "Someone called 9-1-1 and said you needed emergency

help, so we rushed you right over."

"Well, what the hel_l happened to me?"

"We don't know, son. Do you remember anything unusual happening

to you today?"

The man said, "Well, there was a little girl bugging me just

before I fell asleep."

The doctor sent someone to the beach to see if the little girl was

still there, and she was. The person said, "Do you know what happened

to that nice man you saw here earlier?"

"Well," the little girl said, "I started to play with that nice little

bird that he had and the ###### thing spit on me. So, I wrung its neck,

broke its eggs, and set its nest on fire!"

One Night 4 College Students Were Playing Till Late Night And Didn't

Study For The Test Which Was Scheduled For The Next Day.

In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as

dirty and weird with grease and dirt. They then went up to the teacher and

said that they had gone out to a wedding last night and on their return

the tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way

back and that they were in no condition to appear for the test.

So the teacher said they can have the re-test after 3 days. They thanked

him and said they will be ready by that time. On the third day they

appeared before the teacher. The teacher said that as this was a Special

Condition Test, All four were required to sit in seperate classrooms for

the test. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The Test consisted of 2 questions with the total of 100 Marks.

Q.1. Your Name.........................( 2 MARKS )

Q.2. Which tyre burst ?...............( 98 MARKS )

a) Front Left

Front Right

c) Back Left

d) Back Right .....!!!

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about." "Ok, first it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish. Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically... the teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.. "A banana," she says.. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Ok, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company.

It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the first candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate.

"Yes. You have no ears."

He quickly eliminated the second candidate.

"Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate.

"Yes. You're wearing contacts."

Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "That's correct. How did you know?" "You can't wear glasses if you don't have any freakin' ears."

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

One Sunday morning, William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom!

I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful

girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you.

Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but

she has not offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool

around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm

afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating

girls again. A year later he came home and proudly announced, "Diane said

yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad

news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about

this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he

complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my

half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says,

You can marry those girls, dear. He's not really your father."

Having a baby at 65 . .

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a

65-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, her relatives came to visit.

''May we see the new baby?" one asked".

"Not yet," said the mother. "I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first."

Thirty minutes had passed, and another relative asked,

"May we see the new baby now?"

"No, not yet," said the mother.

After another few minutes had elapsed, they asked again,

"May we see the baby now?"

"No, not yet," replied the mother.

Growing very impatient, they asked, "Well, when can we see the baby?"

"WHEN HE CRIES!" she told them.

"WHEN HE CRIES?" they demanded. "Why do we have to wait until he CRIES?"

Keep Scrolling, you're gonna love this

"BECAUSE I forgot where I put him"

One day, out in the fields, a farmer was taking a break under a tree as he was tired. As he drifted in and out of sleep, he suddenly felt his straw hat being pulled away from his head.

He then took a look up the tree and to his suprise, saw a monkey holding his hat. Therefore, the farmer tried in vain to get the monkey to surrender his straw hat back to him. He tried many actions, swinging his arm to the left, swinging his arms to the right. However, none of this convienced the monkey to return him his hat. The farmer then offered the monkey a banana and the monkey happily took it. While the monkey was busy devouring the banana, the farmer quikly took his hat away from the monkey and laughed at it for being so stupid. He insulted the monkey before going back to doing his chores. Years passed, and the old farmer passed down all his skills to his grandson.

One day, while farming, the grandson was tired, he took a rest at the very same spot where his grandfather lost his straw hat to a monkey. While resting, a monkey stole the young farmers hat. Hoping to use the skills his grandfather taught him, the young farmer tried all soughts of manouvers in vain. As a last resort, he offered a banana to the monkey. The monkey then took the banana with only one hand while its other was clutching on to the hat tightly. As the young farmer tried to grab the hat away from the monkey, the monkey held on to the hat while it threw the banana back at the young farmer. Shocked, the farmer asked himself why did he failed when his grandfather succeeded. Everything his grandfather thought him had work except for this. Why? Just then, the monkey exclaimed: "Stupid farmer. You have a grandfather, So do I!"

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husband constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey,you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door,hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads,"Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hel_l are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom, and I"m St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.you've got to send me back Straight away". St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian "Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense! feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting.

"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you've shit in the bed"

One night, a husband and wife were having a conversation during dinner:

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?

MAN: Of course I do.

WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)

MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of

her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Shit.

BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...

GIRL : Why not ??

BOY : I'm broke.

BOY : I can't leave you..

GIRL : Do you love me so much??

BOY : It's not that. You're standing on my foot.

BOY : May I hold your hand??

GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Did you miss me while I was away??

BOY : Were you away??

GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??

BOY : What time was it??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!

BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??

BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest..

BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple..

CAROL : Do you remember when you proposed to me? I was so overwhelmed, I couldn't speak for an hour..

PETER : Yes Darling, that was the happiest hour of my life...

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..

BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!

GIRL : How soon??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??

TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the mic.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence-the crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.

"I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation......

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed, "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 80 now." All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw a lighter out the window saying, "Step on it!"

They were driving about 100 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightning. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash and that they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me at least die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like woman?" She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man starts to walk up to her seat.

As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" Eagerly, she shakes her head and exclaims, "Yes!" The man hands her his shirt and says, "Here, iron this."

mom: "wake up son, it's time for you to go to school."

son: "but mom, i don't wanna go to school."

mom: "give me 2 reasons why you don't wanna go to school."

son: "firstly, the students don't like me."

son: "secondly the teachers don't like me."

son: "give me 2 reasons why i should go to school?"

mom: "firstly, u are 52 years old, secondly, you're the principal!"

BRILLIANT WAYS GIRLS TURN GUYS DOWN!

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!

SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like

yours!!

HE: May I have the pleasure of this dance?

SHE: No, I'd like to have some pleasure too!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?

SHE: I must have been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?

SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!

SHE: Okay, get out!

HE: I think I could make you very happy

SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?

SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!

HE: Can I have your name?

SHE: Why, don't you already have one?

HE: Shall we go and see a film?

SHE: I've already seen it!

HE: Do you think it was fate that brought us together?

SHE: Nah, it was plain bad luck!!!

HE: Where have you been all my life?

SHE: Hiding from you.

HE: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

SHE: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

HE: Is this seat empty?

SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down .

HE: So, what do you do for a living?

SHE: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?

SHE: Do not enter.

FORWARD ON TO ALL WOMEN IN NEED OF SOME LAUGHS

(and men who may appreciate good humor)

Once upon a time, two little boys, Sammy and Tim, were sharing a room in the hospital. As they were getting to know each other a little bit, Sammy eventually asked Tim, “Hey, what're you in for?”

“I'm getting my tonsils out. I'm a little worried,” said Tim.

“Oh, don't worry about it," Sammy said. "I had my tonsils out and it was a blast! I got to eat all the ice cream and Jell-O I wanted for two weeks!”

“Oh yeah?'' replied Tim. “That's not half-bad. So, Sammy, how about you? What're you here for?”

“I'm getting a circumcision, whatever that is,” Sammy answered.

“Oh my god, circumcision? I got one of those when I was a baby and I couldn't walk for two years!”

Flying in the plane

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."

The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.

The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.

So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the airport.

"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"

"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

This wife is too jealous

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

The following are excuse notes from parents (including original spellings) collected by the University of Texas: They were collected from Arkansas, Kentucky, Tennessee, West Virginia and Mississippi.

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32,and also 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels. (Squirts)

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother a low grade fever and ached allover. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

And the best one... Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was not his fault.

10 Best Things About Being Single

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Singles often feel left out in our couple-driven society. Whenever you're tempted to feel down because of your singularity, remember these reasons why flying solo can be the best way to go:

1. You can make last-minute plans with your friends and stay out all night if you want.

2. You can lie on both sides of your bed and have all the covers to yourself.

3. You can flirt with the opposite sex without someone saying, " Who are you looking at? "

4. You can make your own decisions.

5. You don't have to remember your significant other's birthday or anniversary.

6. You have no one to clean up after.

7. You can leave the toilet seat permanently up if you're a man, or permanently down if you're a woman.

8. You can make a list of things you always wanted to do...and actually do them.

9. You can listen to your favorite radio station in the car.

10. You can actually hold on to the remote control.

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored

and she fell in love with it's gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh, OK... How many times a week do I have to do that?"