AltumAngel

Juan was driving down a country lane in his pickup when suddenly a chicken darted into the road in front of him. He slammed on his brakes, but realized that the chicken was speeding off down the road at about 30 miles an hour. Intrigued, he tried to follow the bird with his truck, but he couldn't catch up to the accelerating chicken.

Seeing it turn into a small farm, Juan followed it. To his astonishment, he realized that the chicken had three legs. Looking around the small farm, he noticed that ALL of the chickens had three legs.

The farmer came out of his house, and Juan said, "Three-legged chickens? That's astonishing!"

The farmer replied, "Yep. I bred 'em that way because I love drumsticks."

Juan was curious. "How does a three-legged chicken taste?"

The farmer smiled. "Dunno. Haven't been able to catch one yet."

The joke begins:

Boy: May I hold your hands?

Girl: No thanks, it isn't heavy

Girl: Did you miss me while I was away??

Boy: Were you away??

Girl: Who was the girl I saw you kissing last night??

Boy: What time was it??

Girl: Say you love me! Say you love me!

Boy: You love me!

Girl: If we become engaged, will you give me a ring??

Boy: Sure, what was your number??

Girl: I think the pooriest people are the happiest.

Boy: Then marry me and we ll be the happiest couple.

There were three couples, one elderly, one middle aged, and one newlywed, that wanted to join a church. So the minister tells them that in order to be members they must abstain from sex for two whole weeks. After two weeks, the minister asks the elderly couple if they had abstained.

"Yes, no problem!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then he asks the middle aged couple the same question

"Well, after one week, the husband had to sleep on the couch, but we made it!" So the minister welcomes them to the church. Then the minister asks the newlywed couple if they had abstained from sex for two weeks.

Chaca has selected the "Precious Moments" IMVironment.

Chaca: "We were unable to abstain. On the third day, my wife dropped a can of corn and when she bent over to pick it up, LUST and PASSION overcame me!"

"I'm sorry," the minister says, "but you are both banned from this church!"

"That's okay," says the husband, "We were banned from the supermarket, too."

Boss: So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for:

There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave.

This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be damned if you are going to take that day off!

This little girl's daddy was tuckin her into bed, he listened to her prayers it went like this "god bless mommy, god bless daddy, god bless grandma, goodbye grandpa" daddy said "why did you say goodbye grandpa?" she said "i dunno, i thought it was the right thing to do." next day, grandpa died.

A couple of years later the little girl's daddy was tuckin her into bed, he listened to her prayers and it went like this "god bless mommy, god bless daddy, goodbye grandma" Daddy said "why did you say goodbye grandma? she said 'i dunno, i thought it was the right thing to do." the next grandma died.

A couple of monthes later the little girl's daddy tucked her into bed, he listened to her prayers and the went like this " god bless mommy, goodbye daddy" daddy flipped out, all the next day he sat at work and watched the clock, jumping at every shadow and every sound, at midnight he left work and came home. After he came in the house his wife said, 'honey i didnt think you had to work so late. he said "not right now, i had a rough day." She scoffed "you had a rough day? the mailman just dropped dead on our porch!"

Keep Your Seat A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, "Here's another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat," and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says,

"Look, lady, you've got to let me get up. I'm two miles past my stop already."

There once was a young couple who lived in a town filled with crime. After three neighbors' houses had been robbed, the couple decided to get a guard dog.

So one day the wife went to the pet store and said, "I need a good guard dog."

And the clerk replied, "Sorry, we're all sold out. All we have left is this little Scottie dog. But he knows karate."

The wife didn't believe him so he said to the dog, "Karate that chair."

The dog went up to the chair and broke it into pieces, then he said to the dog, "Karate that table." The dog went up to the table and broke it in half.

So the wife bought the dog and took it home to her husband who was expecting a big guard dog. But then she told her husband that it knew karate, and he said "Karate my ass!"

Ever wondered how a HR Manager could write a love letter to his girlfriend?

Dearest Ms. XXXXX

Sub: Offer of love!

I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in Love with you since the 20th of October (Thursday). With reference to the meeting held between us on the 19th of Oct. at 1500hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover. Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent.

Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse. The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take! up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough to be taken care of, on your expense account.

request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.

I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer.

Wish you all the best! Thanking you in anticipation,

Yours sincerely,

HR Manager

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a Small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said,

"but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

A man is sitting at a bar one night, wearing a fancy new watch, covered with buttons and lights and dials. The woman next to him says, "Wow, that's a really fancy watch."

Thanks, says the guy, "It's the cutting edge of technology. I can telepathically ask this watch anything I want to know, and it'll answer me, telepathically."

"Rubbish," says the girl.

"No, it's true," says that guy. "Look, tell you what, I'll prove it. I'll ask it if you've got any panties on."

The guy scrunches up his eyes for a moment, as if concentrating hard to talk to his watch, then opens them and says, "Nope, it says you haven't got any panties on."

"Well, it's wrong," says the girl, "I do have panties on."

"######," says the guy, slapping his watch, "it's an hour fast!"

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer: Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.

Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000 offer. Again, the Pope declined. A month later, the man upped the price to $100,000,000, and this time the Pope accepted.

At a meeting of the Cardinals, the Pope announced his decision in the good news/bad news format. "The good news is: We have $100,000,000 for charities. The bad news: We lost the Wonder Bread account."

A TO Z OF EX-BOYFRIENDS

A is for ######, you know, that word I shout at him as I

drive by.

B is for Bitter. Who, me?? No way. I really hope things

between them do work out. I can't think of two better

losers to get off the streets.

C is for Call ya later. He won't. He never has before.

C is also for competing. "I feel worse than you do, you

can shovel the walk."

D is for Dumped. Does D need to be explained?

E is for eating like a pig. God, does he always have to

know what the bottom of the bowl looks like?

F is for foreplay. Yes, I know he doesn't know what it

is, that's why it's on the list.

F is for forgetting my birthday, you jerk.

G is for Guys. Who he was supposedly out with, and also

who wears perfume like mine.

H is for Horny. He always is, except when I am.

I stands for ignorant, slobbering jerk.

J stands for jerk off. Yes, that's what he can do tonight,

because I won't do it for him.

K stands for kiss, something he can't do without slobbering

down his tongue and on my face.

L is for Love. It's a great euphoric feeling that exists

somewhere in fantasy land.

M stands for Mephistophiles. That is who he imitates.

N stands for No, a word he never seems to understand.

O is for "Oh, was it your birthday last week?"

P is for pee, what he does out in public in the front yard

because he forgot when he walked past the bathroom.

Q is for quote, "My birthday is next Thursday," unquote.

(See F and O)

R is for reminding, because I have to remind him of all

holidays, birthdays and anniversaries.

S stands for stood up. Something he thinks I will forget

about.

S is also or sex. Something he won't get later because I

remember the previous S.

T is for torture. Where do I start?

U is for Understatement. Saying you hate that ****ing

###### is an understatement.

V is for vermin--most of his family.

W stands for whine, need I say more.

X is for ex, the one he never shuts up about.

Y stands for younger, and wishing he was.

Z (I know where z is) Z stands for zip, that's what I got

from him.

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hel_l. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.

With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden. "You must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy. "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender.

The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass."

The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins.

The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even touch the shot glass. When he finishes, the bartender grins at him and says, "Well, I guess you owe me $1,000, huh?"

The man answers, "Yeah, but I bet all of those people outside the window $500 a piece that I could come in here, spray beer all over the bar, and have you smile about it.".......

A boy of 6 years old never pays attention to his pant's zipper...which is always being left open. Because of this his mother often gets angry.

One day some of his relatives plan to visit their city, so his mother advised him that whenever she tells him to "close the Eiffel Tower", it means that he has to close his zipper.

His relatives arrive, and after some time, the boy asked his aunti, "Aunti, why did you come here?"

His aunti answered, "Dear boy, we came here to see the Eiffel Tower."

The boy said in great excitement, pointing towards his zipper, "But aunti, the Eiffel Tower is closed."

Aunti replied, "My boy, that is the small Eiffel Tower. I came here to see big one."

The boy answered politely, "Aunti, then I will have to call my dad."

One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.

Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odor of baked beans was more than I could stand.

With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.

Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go.

It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.

Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable.

When eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.

My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"

I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A man showing off his new flat to friends late at night was asked by one of them, "Why the big brass gong in the corner?"

"That's my talking clock," he replied, "I'll show you how it works." With that, he gave the gong an almighty whack with a golf club. Instantly, a voice from the next flat screamed, "Hey, shut up! It's nearly midnight!"

It rained for days and days and there was a terrific flood. The water rose so high that one man was forced to climb on top of his roof and sat in the rain. As the waters came up higher a man in a rowboat came up to the house and told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said, and the man in the rowboat rowed away.

The waters rose to the edge of the roof and still the man sat on the roof until another rowboat came by and another man told him to get in. "No thank you, the Lord will save me!" he said again, and the man rowed away.The waters covered the house and the man was forced to sit on his chimney as the rain poured down and a helicopter came by and another man urged him to get in or he'll drown. "No thank you," the man said again, "The Lord will save me!"

After much begging and pleading the man in the helicopter gave up and flew away. The waters rose above the chimney and the man drowned and went to heaven where he met God.

"Lord, I don't understand," he told Him, frustrated, "The waters rose higher and higher and I waited hours for you to save me but you didn't! Why?"

The Lord just shook his head and said, "What are you talking about? I sent two boats and a helicopter?!"

A tour bus driver has a bus full of senior citizens. As he’s driving, the bus driver gets tapped on the shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully eats. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch of peanuts, the bus driver asks the little old lady why she doesn't eat them.

.

"We can't chew them because we've got no teeth", she says.

So, the puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?"

The little old lady replies, "We just love the chocolate around them!!"

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was a drunk and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''

7 What do you mean today's our anniversary?

6. Can we NOT talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

5. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!

4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.

2. I don't care if it's on sale; $300 is way too much for a designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!

A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"

"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

Little Johnny loved playing games with his friends. One day Jonny runs as fast as he can inside to his mom, and asks "Mommy, Mommy can little girls get pregnant?" His mom responded "No little girls can not get pregnant." Little Jonny says "Now are you sure thet little girls can't get pregnant?" His Mommy again replies "No Jonny little girls CAN NOT get pregnant." So after being told this little Jonny runs back outside, and His mom hears him yell to his friends, "Hey we can play that GAME again."