AltumAngel

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:'

'Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?'' The bus driver shakes his head and says,'

'No, I'm sorry.'

' At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: '

'Will it take ME ?'

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of shopping at the mall. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless mails you send me until I return from holiday. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged £5.99 for the first ten words and £1.99 for each additional word in your message.

5: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

6: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

7: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE PRIZE:

8: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.

A blonde dyed her hair to red one day, then she takes a walk down the road and comes upon a farm. She walks up to the fenced yard where the farmer is counting his sheeps. The farmer said hello and that if she guessed how many he had, then she can keep one. The blonde thought it was a great idea, so she starts counting in her head. She finally guessed 26, which was RIGHT!!! The farmer was amazed, but he kept his word. She climbed over the fence and back with the animal in her arms. The farmer takes one look at her and the animal and says, " If I guess what natural hair color you have, can i have my dog back?"

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he's a German Pope.)

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "The President?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's

God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur."

Boy: "Daddy? How did I come into this world?"

Dad: "Well, my child, some day I'll have to tell you any way.

Boy:"So why not today? Please!"

Dad: "OK, but listen carefully."

"Mom and Dad met each other in a cyber cafe. In the restrooms of that cyber cafe, dad connected to mom. Mom at that time made some downloads from dad's memory stick. When dad finished uploading we discovered we used no firewall. Since it was too late to cancel or delete, nine months later we ended up with a virus."

The owner of a large factory decided to make a surprise

visit and check up on his staff. Walking though the plant, he

noticed a young man leaning lazily against a post.

"Just how much are you being paid a week?" said the owner

angrily.

"Three hundred bucks," replied the young man.

Taking out a fold of bills from his wallet, the owner

counted out $300, slapped the money into the boy's hands, and

said "Here's a week's pay -- now get out and don't come

back!"

Turning to one of the supervisors, he said "How long has

that lazy bum been working here anyway?"

"He doesn't work here," said the supervisor. "He was just

here to deliver a pizza!"

A party of economists was climbing in the Alps . After several hours they became hopelessly lost. One of them studied the map for some time, turning it up and down, sighting on distant landmarks, consulting his compass, and finally the sun.

Finally he said, ' OK see that big mountain over there?'

'Yes', answered the others eagerly.

'Well, according to the map, we're standing on top of it.

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son." The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son." The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked. "No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.

He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with

no experience.

On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up

and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed,

they start exploring each other's bodies.

Things are going fine until the bride discovers her

husband's penis. "Oh my", she says, "What is that?"

"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".

She slides her hands further down and gasps.

"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.

"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.

Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes,

the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".

Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey?

Am I hurting you?"

"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them ###### knots. I need more rope!"

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that’s amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded. "I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says "What do you want it to equal?"

A boss walked into the office one morning not knowing that his zipper is down, and his fly wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said,

"Boss this morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door."

This is not a phrase that her boss understood, so he went into his office looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done with his paper work, he

suddenly notices that his zipper was not zipped up. He zipped up and remembering what his secretary had told him, finally understood. He

then intentionally went out to ask a cup of coffee from his secretary.

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her desk, he said, "When you saw garage door open did you see my jaguar park in

there?"

The secretary smiles for a moment and said, "No, Boss I didn't. All I saw was a Mini with 2 flat tyres."

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."

The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"

"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."

"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"

The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!"

The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or ass?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"

"Great!" He says and drops his pants. The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all ****ty!"

"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says “Why are you doing that?”

He replies,”It died today.”

“Oh that’s terrible!”, the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, “I thought it died yesterday.”

The man replies, “It did. Today is the viewing”

A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, “May I help you?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well do you have any grounds?”

The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.” The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?”

The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No you don’t understand, I mean do you have a grudge?”

The farmer said, “Yea I got a grudge, that’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”

The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”

The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"

So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"

Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. No woman, said one man, scornfully, can keep a secret.

I dont know about that, answered a blonde woman guest. I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.

Youll let it out some day, the man insisted.

I hardly think so responded the blonde lady. When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever.

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

Mother: You should start skipping if u want to grow taller..

Jane: * Skips breakfast,lunch and dinner *

Mother: Jane..what are you doing? you are already thin enough! why are you skipping your breakfast,lunch and dinner?

Jane: You told me to start skipping....

__________________________________________________ ______

Teacher:Class,if there were 20 pupils in a class and the teacher left,how many people would be left?

class:None

Teacher:Why?

class:because when the teacher leaves,the pupils will all leave too!

Two sperm are swimming in a women's body.

One sperm says to the other in exhaustion, "Whew, just how far is the uterus anyway?"

The second sperm begins to laugh and says, "The uterus!? We just past the esophogus."

Since AOL has introduce there unlimited hours package they have started displaying special messages to customers. 1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off. 2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you, but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY? 3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside? 4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK? 5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?! 6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names? 7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line? 8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord! 9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is? 10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives 9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit. 11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke! 12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off? 13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already! 14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about

what had happened in the past.

Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.

Teacher: Why?

Student: There is no future in it.

.................................................. ...............

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much

would your father still have?

Ted: $10.

Teacher: You don't know maths.

Ted: You don't know my father!

.................................................. ....................

Mother: David, come here.

David: Yes, mum?

Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.

David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.

Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am

scolding you now.

.................................................. ....................

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?

Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8

Father: So?

Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.

If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

.................................................. ....................

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were

watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of

breaking plates,

then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter: It's mummy!

Father: How do you know?

Daughter: She didn't say anything.

.................................................. ....................

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Yes Dear

Girl: Would you die for me?

Boy: No, mine is undying love

--------------------------------------------------

Man: How old is your father?

Boy: As old as me

Man: How can that be?

Boy: He became a father only when I was born

--------------------------------------------------

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.

Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

------------------------------------------

Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you

anything!

Son: That's why I say she's no good!

--------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "Where were u born?"

Student: " Singapore , Sir."

Teacher: "Which part?"

Student: "All of me, Sir."

----------------------------------------------------

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between

'unlawful'

and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.

"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.

"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal'

is

a sick eagle."

---------------------------------------------------

Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"

Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."

Teacher: "Use your dad's then."

Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

----------------------------------------------------

A boy came home from school with his exam results.

"What did u get?" asked his father.

"My marks are under water," said the boy.

"What do u mean 'under water'?"

"They are all below 'C' level"