.png.3b3332cc2256ad0edbc2fe9404feeef0.png)
A. BOOZER
-
Posts
347 -
Joined
-
Last visited
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Downloads
Posts posted by A. BOOZER
-
-
Letter written on toilet paper perhaps.............................or maybe 'If you look out of the port window you will see two black spots. That is the co-pilot and myself. You should see our parachutes opening now,now,now,now,now
Are you sure that it was not on a Phuket Air flight from LGW? -
Obviously not enough Mekong!
-
Most Brits would recognise the fact that these particular IT Experts come from Essex.
-
Get the Drunk Home
Try this and see how far you can keep this drunk man up. Hysterical....Good
Luck! Haven't we all been there before..... You just move your mouse left to
right (no clicking) to keep him walking in a straight line. The object of
the game is to keep him walking, without falling over, by using your mouse
from left to right or right to left - you can't see your mouse, which makes
it more difficult. Apparently the record is 82 meters! And it's in German
CLICK ON THE HYPERLINK BELOW TO PLAY - ITS ADDICTIVE
Looks familiar! Is this what I can't remember when I wake up in the morning? PHOM MAI MAO! -
I think we all should have a well rounded education. If you need a laugh, read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children.
Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (my favorite)
A: Keep it in the cow.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen).
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
-
Someone sent me the link below. A bit offensive language (to some;) but wondering if this might have anything to do with the topic at hand?
-
so why would he be here..shouldn't he be researching the feasability of "base E" logic computation or bioluminescant transistors ?
Wot? -
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch,
"Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm
sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your
business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2,
3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I
do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty
much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of
Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping?
You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START" .
-
A blonde lady motorist on I-8 was two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back who have to be delivered to
the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep
the monkeys on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo
forme? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car
and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde, walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of
the crowd.
With a screech of brakes, he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
"What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars
to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know, and I did take them to the zoo," said the blonde, "but we had money left over, so we went to the movies!!!"
-
For all the golfers (and a few others) out there or their patient loving wives...
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the
dentist, "Doctor, I'm in a big hurry! I have two buddies
sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the
anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it-- I don't have
time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness--this sure is a very brave
man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show
the doctor which tooth hurts.
-
It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez,
the son of a recently immigrated Mexican restaurateur, entered the
fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who
said
'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the
people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro,
who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the
teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little sh*t. If you
say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to
Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor,
someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
-
Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the
American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's
present standard of living, should she one day become the first female
President. She referred to her career as a New York Senator, how she had
signed "YES" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval.
Although the Senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed
most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and
brothers".
At the conclusion of her speech, the Tribes presented the Senator with
a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud
Senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they come
to select the new name given to the Senator. They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
-
Harry and his wife, Sadie, are having hard financial times
so they decide that she'll become a hooker to make some
extra bucks.
She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry instructs her,
Stand in front of that bar and when a guy stops, tell him,
'A hundred bucks.'
If you have a question, I'll be parked right around the
corner."
She's out in front of the bar only five minutes before a guy
pulls up and asks, "How much?"
She says, "A hundred dollars."
He say, "Shit! All I've got is thirty."
She says, "Wait a minute."
She runs back to Harry and asks,"What can he get for thirty
dollars?"
Harry answers, "A hand job."
She runs back and tells the guy that all he gets for thirty
dollars is a hand job
He says, "Okay" and gets into the car.
He unzips his pants and out pops a SIMPLY HUGE MALE UNIT!
She stares at it for a minute and then says, "I'll be right
back."
She runs back around the corner and asks her husband breathlessly,
"Harry, can you lend this guy seventy bucks?"
-
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These ###### girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'
-
I don't believe that I drink that much, or that I am so young!
-
Has to be a troll. Nobody is quite that dumb.
Really!
-
From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Queda Fighters
Subject: The Cave
Internal Memo. Do Not Distribute Outside The Organisation.
Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've
really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are
fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a
few concerns:
First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles,
we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave.
We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) -
so we need to sweep the cave daily.
I've done my bit on the cleaning rota have you?
I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).
Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm
trying to scare the sh*t out of most of the world's population, okay?
That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.
Third: Food.
I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front,
and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.
Fourth: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance
ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant
"Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.
Five: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F**kS DONKEYS" on the group
toilet wall. It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving
myself at the edge of the mountain.
Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Assam, the old excuse
that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge
of the mountain' will not be accepted in future.
(With donkeys, there is a grey area.)
Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise
trying to infiltrate our ranks.
I want to set up patrols to look for them.
First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.
Love you lots,
Group Hug.
Os.
PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag.
Cut it out, it's not funny any more.
----------------------------
Nicked from a Pilots Forum
-----------------------------
-
Exactly. Thai girls that live with English speaking foreigners already have a massive advantage over most students of English living in Thailand in that they have to use the language they are learning and they probably do so everyday.
It can be a two-way street too... her English will improve, and your Thai will improve too.
But you've both got to have the desire to learn...
Basics, are best taught and absorbed in a formal class... refinement of basics or advanced language, can be learnt at home if you're both willing.
That is 100% how I prefer to learn languages and I think it goes for most people who are comfortable in/used to a formal learning situation. Everyone is different though.
Can only say that my own diction is very far from perfect, and because of that would not attempt to 'teach' my wife English. However I am very proud of the way in which she has applied herself and achieved quite a reasonable standard, simply by sitting down with a daily newspaper, and several dictionaries. She spends a lot of time, not simply in translating, but in noting down words, their meanings and pronounciations. I wish that I could do the same in learning Thai, but find that the grey matter does not absorb things so easily nowdays. -
A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test.
The test is positive!
Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the bastard that
did this to you? I want to know?"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a
Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man
with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of
the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl
and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the
problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but
I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter
for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath
her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa and a £2,000,000
bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories
and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory
and £2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you
suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand
firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You <removed> her again.!"
-
Hi,
If at all possible when she calls next time propose to meet her with the cash in Thailand where she lives.
Go with her accross the border pay the overstay fine, make her legal (with a visa from Penang)
Give her some start-up money and go back home.
Easy said but hard to do
Good luck
Sound advice there Krub.
Well said! -
Definition of Bravery is,,, arriving home late after a boozy night
out, being confronted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to
ask:
"Areyou still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere"?
-
Subject: Shopping choices
Customer: Worcester sauce crisps please
Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.
Customer: Oh right, Chinese Chicken Wings?
Shopkeeper: Sorry can't, it's off the shelves, cancer scare.
Customer: Hamburger Relish?
Shopkeeper: Cancer scare
Customer: Sausage and Mash?
Shopkeeper: Cancer scare
Customer: Cottage Pie?
Shopkeeper: Yes, ...no wait, Cancer scare.
Customer: So they're all off the shelves because of a Cancer scare?
Shopkeeper: Yes
Customer: (sigh) Just give me a packet of fags then.
Shopkeeper: Certainly. £4.50 please.
-
Hi all we were due to fly with Phuket air in Aug had a call from our travel agent today saying all flights from UK to Thailand have been pulled. So whats gone wrong, problems with planes? have they gone broke? anyone know. We will get all our money back which is good news!
Believe me its a blessing in disguise.
I flew with them recently and the plane was an old KLM cast-off that propably had more miles on its clock than Starship Enterprise.
When we stopped at Sharja to refuel, one the "chav" brit passengers, was abusing an Arab member of the ground-crew who came on to service the toilets etc.
As i understand it one of the Brits was accusing him of being an "Iraqi Terrorist"
An argument ensued and it ended up 2 brits fighting amongst themselves in the aisle whilst the Air crew took photo's of the whole incident.
Both Brits were removed from the plane and that was the last we saw off them, for all i know they are still in prison in the United Arab Emirates.
Never been so embarrased to be English.
I suggest you check ebookers, they have great deals on Emirates flights at the moment.
Thanks got a good deal with eva evergreen delux am quite glad we are not flying with Phuket air!!
Does anyone have any more about cancellations from Phuket Air? Over the weekend have been unable to obtain any further information. Phuket offices in BKK and London closed, unbelievably the Gatwick Airport website gives a telephone number for Phuket Air, which turns out to be ZIM Air. -
And thai women are famous for cutting off your ding-dong, doesn't mean they all do it .
OK, first off, I believe she must leave the country and reenter on a proper visa (tell her she needs a non-imm O visa) after having paid her overstay fine. She then must go to her embassy and sign a document saying she is not already married, then have it translated and take it to the proper Thai govt office (embassy has all the details). Then, they can take this paper to the local district office and get married. Then she goes to the local immigration and they will tell her how to get a one year extension on her visa.
But, I must tell you, she has to do all this herself and if she is so disorganized that she is already overstaying her visa, it doesn't bode well for future dealings with immigration.
I am a very lucky woman, having celebrated my 15th anniversary with the lovely Thai man I married, but most do not last. Tell her to think long and hard about what she is doing before getting married.
Likewise, would suggest that you have a most serious discussion with her regarding life after infatuation. If she does insist on marrying, it is my understanding that she will first need to leave the Kingdom (thus clearing her overstay) and on re-entry she would be clear to marry. She really does need to take stock of the situation.
Are you sure that it was not on a Phuket Air flight from LGW? 
French Naval Motto
in Jokes - Puzzles and Riddles - Make My Day!
Posted