A. BOOZER

Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One has a Cross in front of him, the other one, the Star of David. Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the Cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.

Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. People aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a 'Star of David' in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a Cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite."

The beggar behind the 'Star of David' listens to the priest, turns to the beggar with the Cross and says: "So look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?"

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank. Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder.

"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.

"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"

"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!...Thank you, thank you!"

Father Christmas promises him that:

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills. "Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?" Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.

After a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.

"36" replies the man.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay in fancy dress.

The Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.'"

After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

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Then he added a mouth.

Ruined the whole f*cking thing.

WICOE

(Women In Charge Of Everything)

is proud to announce the opening of its

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants

The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO WATER THE PLANTS

Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS -- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?

Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR

Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?

Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL

Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS

Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE GARBAGE?

Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH

PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST

Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?

Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER

Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION

Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME

Individual counsellors available

I married a Thai lady, and she cares more about person than culture; and in return I care and try, as best I can, about her culture and understand. It's not an obstacle between us; its almost a joke that keeps us apart, and drives us together as well.

It is about the person....

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

So very true! My wife and I enjoy learning from each other, the do's and don'ts of our countries and their respective cultures, let alone the language.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter

checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer --you're

in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of

hel_l and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied

with the level of comfort in hel_l, and starts designing and

building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning

and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty

popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says

with a sneer,"So, how's it going down there in hel_l?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air

conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no

telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's

a mistake --he should never have gotten down there; send

him up here."

Satan says,"No way! I like having an engineer on the staff,

and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right.

And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

I've never dated a bar girl, but that doesn't mean I've never dated scheming, lieing, cheating Thai women - I've had more than my fair share of disasters. I think if a western guy tells you he went  to Thailand and met a Thai women (any Thai woman) and he got a good one first time, then I think he's either lieing or he is increadibly lucky.

I'm very happy with Mrs GH, but as I say I had to get past a bunch of bloody awful women and go through a lot of grief finding the right one. Moreover, I think a very large percentage of the guys I know married to Thai women are closing their eyes to problems.

Guys I know who have met genuinly good Thai women (regardless of the woman's background), have all, like me, been through the mill _ think it has a lot to do with knowing the game, and thier is no easy way to learn the rules.

Culture is a factor, but I really believe it is more often that culture and language are used as a means to disorientate, confuse and take advantage of foreigners.

If I had one piece of advice for guys taking a Thai woman back home it would be 'keep her away from other Thais as much as you can'. I'm a fluent Thai speaker and I've been in the company of Thais overseas, the whole topic of almost every conversation is spitful gossip laced with green eyed envy. That has a huge amount to do with background and education.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Jing Jing

Move to Thailand and have her send money over once a month DB.

That's what I call sensible thinking.

George/Doc - any chance we can set something up via Thai Visa - those abroad can donate via PayPal or smth similar? I think its a worthy cause.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

This sounds like a safe and sensible idea.

Try changing the font to something like Angsana.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Thanks, have managed to change to change the font to Angsana New, but am still not able to to paste in the the same format as the copied original (as done before the recent problem). Do you have any further ideas please? Sorry if this is boring to those of you that are computer boff's.

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife

for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.

Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish

fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.

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An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever

you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?

"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.

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Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?

Answer - So the English can understand them.

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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman

came out and announced, "Not guilty."

"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep

the money?"

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Irish lass customer: "Could I be trying on that dress in

the window?"

Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer that you use the dressing room."

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Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a

wife?

A. A bachelor.

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Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til

two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.

Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?

Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home.

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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. "Quick!"

He said. "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"

"Tell me, is this her first baby?" the intern asked.

"No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'."

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"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you

improve your wife's appearance?"

"It did surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"

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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all

night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

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My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving

up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"

"I can't tell you," the black man says.

Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.

On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"

"I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the blackman.

"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.

And the lady bursts into laughter, and the blackman gets mad and says," I knew you would make fun of it".

The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamaica!"

A gentlemanly Illinois farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He

knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer

negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked; Would you like to

buy some peaches?

She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked; Are they as firm

as this?

He nodded his head and said, Yes ma'am, and a little tear ran from his eye.

Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, Are they nice and

pink like this?

The farmer said Yes and another tear came from the other eye.

Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, Are they as

fuzzy as this?

He again said, Yes and broke down crying.

The lady asked, Why on earth are you crying? Drying his eyes he replied,

The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my

barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.

Wouldn't it be easier to network the old notebook to either a PC or a laptop with CDRW and make that all important back up. I can say that now, after having not made back ups, and just losing a lot of work and information!

Can anyone please help a computer ignoramous? After the installation of a new hard drive, when I copy any Thai text into Microsoft word, it is coming out with a spacing between each character. How can I get back to reproducing the script as shown? I am running XP Pro. Any help very much appreciated.

One night, as a couple lies down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh". The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls backover and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again... ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long. In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection. The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed!.."

A terrible flood hit a small town, sending the rescue units

out. It just so happened that a devoutly religious woman

lived in this town when the flood hit, and she sat down to wait

for God to save her.

When the first rescue boat came in the worker called for her to

come out but she just shook her head and said "Thank you, but

my God will save me." Shaking his head the rescue worker moved

on. The waters rose and she climbed to the second story of her

home to wait for God.

A second boat came by and the worker called out "Listen lady

we've got to get you out of here!" Once again she thanked him

profusely and said "My God will save me."

The waters rose a third time forcing her to her roof. The

water was just closing around her ankles when a third boat came

by. "Lady, I'm the last boat out if you don't come now you're

going to die." She just smiled "My God will save me" she said

quietly. Frustrated the worker moved on.

The waters rose once again leaving her standing on her chimney.

She heard a huge ruckus above her head and when she looked up

she saw an emergency helicopter. "This is it lady, you have to

come now or we won't be able to save you." Still she refused to

go.

The waters rose a final time dragging her under and she was

drowned. When she got to heaven, the Lord asked her if she had

any questions, and in a timid voice she replied.

"You said if I followed you, you would always save me. Why

didn't you save me from that flood?"

God looked at her in shocked disbelief and said:

"My child I sent three boats and a helicopter for you... What else did you want!"

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window

and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists kidnapped President Bush and are asking for a $10 million

ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse him with gasoline and set him

on fire. We are going from car to car to take up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving on average?"

"About a gallon."

Ok Ok, you pedantic old fart   

"The chief of Police came to our restaurant to have lunch one day"

Happy now? 

edit: not that I know you are old, or even a fart but it sounded good with pedantic

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

O.K. It's a fair cop, Guv! I admit it, you have got me bang to rights, I am past my sell by date, and certainly would not risk sleeping with my head under the bed clothes!

Happy? Not until next month, when we get back to the LOS.

I've wai'ed a policeman once. We had the chief of Police in for lunch one day

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

à-rôi mai

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday

at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us

kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance

to get rid of those things not worth keeping around

the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been

canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our

community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love.

Say "hel_l" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way

again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it,

we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.

They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood

donors for more transfusions. She is also having

trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's

sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after

which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on

October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship

that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in

the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic

will be "What Is hel_l?" Come early and listen to

our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to

the addition of several new members and to the

deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other

items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to

cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along

with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining,

super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and

medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of

every kind. They may be seen in the basement on

Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing

in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket

and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning

at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the

Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of

the congregation would lend him their electric

girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday

at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's

Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The

congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First

Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door

at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new

tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My

Pledge - Up Yours."

World's Thinnest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES

by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY

by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS

by Janet Reno

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS

by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL

by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE

by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD

by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY

by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS

by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE

by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES

by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS

by O. J. Simpson

Bridge Travel

by Ted Kennedy

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book .

MY BOOK OF MORALS

by Bill Clinton

with introduction

by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her

students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the

3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd

grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the

principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would

give the boy a test If he failed to answer any of his questions he was

to go back to the 1st grade and behave She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he

agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader

should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go

to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy,

oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the

answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down

and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a

lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry

in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong

nuclear physics is easier to understand .

I'm glad that I still rely on my Post Office Savings Account!