ballpoint

My dear old dad used to say: "The first rule of theatre, son, is to always leave them wanting more." Lovely bloke but a terrible anaesthetist.

I have written a book called First-Rate Basement makeovers. It has just made the best cellars list.

The bloke next door asked me if I wanted to try a wife swap. "I'm not sure" I said - "will I get her back ?" "Course !" he laughed "No then"

This is my fourth visit to Turkey in 3 years, and every time it's the same old thing. "10 camels for your beautiful wife?" And every time I tell them to sod off, before winking at the wife. If she is that beautiful, why the hell are they trying to sell her back to me?

Our company team just played football against the lemonade factory. They were 7up by half time.

I just found out Steffi Graff has a sister called Polly. No lie!