ballpoint

Ukraine: Comedian becomes president. Russia: President becomes comedian.

That's rather antisocial of him.

Regular as clockwork. That's why I can't sleep in.

My wife tried to surprise me with a new car for my birthday, but she missed.

Roger Daltrey, Pete Townshend and John Entwistle broke into an animal sanctuary earlier today and released the captive canines. Local police say they have definite proof that Who let the dogs out.

Did you know that there are no ducks in Portugal?Just Portugeese.

The guy killed by a shark while on honeymoon did not suffer for long. He'd only been married for 11 days.

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital." Me: "How is she?" Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical." Me: "Ah, you get used to that..."

I've just read that taking your bike to work everyday is good for the environment, so I thought why not - it's not like I'm using the roof rack for anything else.

I just got a new car with so many electronic settings that I can't be bothered with. There is one good one though; it says rear wash wipe That'll be handy if I get caught short in a Bangkok traffic jam.