ballpoint

English breakfast

You nailed it.

They're just bits of rubbish that I palm off on you lot

They say thousands of kangaroos die on the road each year in Australia. This doesn't surprise me. I'd be shocked if their arms could even reach the steering wheel.

Recently I was fingered for a crime. Which seems like a weird punishment.

As I was sat in the Chinese restaurant last night, the wife said to me, "What made you decide to go with the duck?" "He's better company." I replied, putting the phone down.

I'm at the age where I have to use a lubricant before having sex with my wife. Usually about eight or nine pints

I'm really pleased with my vegetable patch. Haven't wanted a vegetable in weeks.

My girlfriend has left me because she says I'm too old fashioned. I'll wager a shilling she's courting a chap who's a scoundrel, the cad!