Girlfriend Cheated

[stevenh]

I have a problem with my girlfriend as yyou can probably tell by the title of this post and was looking for some friendly advice and hopefully a nudge in the right direction. I hope I have posted this in the right place. I'll try and make it short

I have been in a relationship with a Thai girl for the last year now and everything has generally been ok. We got engaged last summer and plan on marrying in a further year. She was a bar girl and I got over the various issues related to this like the paranoia about continuing to do this behind my back and the fact this had been her previous work.

When we first met she continued to work until a few months later when I said I would support her and she moved back to Udon from Bangkok and she stayed with her family. We arranged a visa for her to come to england and she came for 2 months leaving just before Christmas and then went to Bangkok. She asked if she could work despite my support and I said yes but in a respectable bar, cafe, restaurant etc which she agreed to.

She was working in a bar and there were no problems until the other night. Basically I discovered she was in a hotel room with a male who had come into the bar and offered her 5000baht to stay with her for 2 hours. Luckily I called her before anything happened. She left straight away and was very very upset and apologetic. Her excuses / reasons were that 1) she doesn't want to keep asking me for more money because I will think she only wants me for my money and she is aware i currently have money problems. 2) her mother keeps asking her for money that she doesn't have and she didn't want to ask me for because of my current situation and that this is her problem and not mine even though Ive told her she can tell me anything. When she told me the other day 10000 I had given her to look after herself she had given to her mother I wasn't angry but thanked her for being truthful with me. 3) she won't stand up to her mother and tell her that she wants money than she can not possibly give her because she is indebted to her mother because she looks after her son, 4) she owed her friend 6000baht because her mother wanted money for her brothers wedding.

I obviously feel terrible. I essentially feel hurt and upset that she didn't come to me with the problem and that I feel equivalent to the 5000baht that she put before our relationship. She says she would never have done this if it had been the usual 2-3000baht a girl gets for sleeping with a man but the fact this was more than any girl earns for 2 hours and it took something like this to make her do it. Thats if it was 5000!? she has agreed to leave Bangkok and go back to her family and everything I have told her she needs to do to put things right such as moving back and she is readily agreeing because she feels so guilty and knows she has done something very bad. She is surprised I have not finsihed with her and my friends are too. She also keeps asking me to marry her in March when I was supposed to next go out, a fun trip it will be now!

To be honest I am coming through the upset now and getting to the anger phase where I am beginning to think of finishing with her because I am angry and cannot make sense of why she did this. To me she had a choice, it wasn't a matter of life or death to take this money. No one was ill and she needed the money quickly. She chose this money over her commitment to me.

Please someone offer their advice. Am I missing something culturally? Do you believe we can fix this and how? What do I need to do? I won't tell my male firends but i have told some female friends and they cannot believe I have let her do this and not finished it. I keep thinking it is just how she is because she was a bar girl before and if we are together she would never dream of doing something like this, am I foolish? from the way she talks she is detached from the act of sleeping with the man and calls it "just money" and "just work". Thsi is not like her because she is so sweet and like I say knows she has done a very bad thing. I love her still and know she loves me but can it work anymore?

I don't know what to think and just want some friendly advice. Any help welcomed and appreciated

Steven

[BambinA]

1

)We got engaged last summer and plan on marrying in a further year.

2 )Basically I discovered she was in a hotel room with a male who had come into the bar and offered her 5000baht to stay with her for 2 hours.

3 )Her excuses / reasons were that (snip)

Do you believe we can fix this

No..

leave her..

[britmaveric]

She's either finished with her former profession or she isn't? You can't keep an eye on her 24/7 from so far away, so chances are she's probably done this before and hasn't been caught out like this time. 5000bht? Lad has to be desperate to pay that sort of dosh. What makes you think she wasn't finishing up with the lad when you rang?

I can only say if it were my lady, I'd have to finish things. No trust=Doubt=0% to work things out. Her family will always come first, so no way getting around her mum's demands I'm afraid.

A mate of mine is seeing a former ex-bg. She's working as a office mgr in a factory. Anyways one day I see her with my mate and she's in tears. I ask her what's wrong and she says her mum says she's not making enough dosh and wants her to go back to work in the bar. It just shows the enormous amount of pressure they receive from their families. Rather sad.

[dradrian]

tend to agree - dump her. plenty more to get cheated by!!

how old are you verses her?

I am 45. is there a limit to age difference or is the same as everywhere. the more cash you have the greater the choice, age difference?

adrian

[stevenh]

Britmavaric. You have made a very vaild point and I only ever presumed that she had just got to the room. I called her at 3.40am which is about 40-60 mins after she finishes work and she didn't answer the phone the first time, she then called back rather drunk and told me so and that she was in her room. She then started being sick and then I heard her flush the toilet. Being a detective it just triggered straightaway she doesn't have a flush toilet and then I heard an english voice telling her to come out and getting angry with her when she didn't. I then said I knew that she was doing something bad and that I knew she was in a hotel. She started on the whole "well if you don't believe me I can do nothing" etc etc and hung up on me. she turned her phone off and I got through to her 10 minutes later and she was crying her eyes out and admitted that he had offered her this money. She left the hotel when I called and said that he wouldn't pay her anything. She obviously says that she didn't sleep with him, but now I'm not sure if I caught her part way through. He knew she had an english boyfriend and was engaged as she wears a ring and that she had recently been to England. I presumed the amount of money offered was because he was maybe on a power trip and wanted to prove he could still buy her. I'll be having an interesting chat with her later on which she will deny again. Ive even been foolish enough to say she can carry on working in the bar where she works until they pay her on Friday as she will have worked for nothing. She then goes back home on Sunday. Why oh why do I still believe everything can be ok????

[donna]

dont believe her. everything will NOT be ok. your trust has been destroyed and you will never be able to trust her again.

i am sure that this is not the first time she has done this.

do not believe that everything will be ok as she will lie to you again and again to get her way, but you will always have these doubts at the back of your mind.

dump her. do it quick. delete her phone number and have no further contact. sever the ties and keep your sanity.

[JacknDanny]

Britmavaric. You have made a very vaild point and I only ever presumed that she had just got to the room. I called her at 3.40am which is about 40-60 mins after she finishes work and she didn't answer the phone the first time, she then called back rather drunk and told me so and that she was in her room. She then started being sick and then I heard her flush the toilet. Being a detective it just triggered straightaway she doesn't have a flush toilet and then I heard an english voice telling her to come out and getting angry with her when she didn't. I then said I knew that she was doing something bad and that I knew she was in a hotel. She started on the whole "well if you don't believe me I can do nothing" etc etc and hung up on me. she turned her phone off and I got through to her 10 minutes later and she was crying her eyes out and admitted that he had offered her this money. She left the hotel when I called and said that he wouldn't pay her anything. She obviously says that she didn't sleep with him, but now I'm not sure if I caught her part way through. He knew she had an english boyfriend and was engaged as she wears a ring and that she had recently been to England. I presumed the amount of money offered was because he was maybe on a power trip and wanted to prove he could still buy her. I'll be having an interesting chat with her later on which she will deny again. Ive even been foolish enough to say she can carry on working in the bar where she works until they pay her on Friday as she will have worked for nothing. She then goes back home on Sunday. Why oh why do I still believe everything can be ok????

The answer to your last question is because you want to.

I totally agree with the remarks made by britmaverick.

Most people who have been here for any period of time has been through some sort of similar situation.

There is a saying that you can take the girl from the bar, but not the bar from the girl. In most cases that is true, for whatever reasons.

I believe in giving people a chance.ONE chance.In my opinion you gave her one chance and you saw the results.

I am sorry if this hurts you but it is probably NOT the first time she has strayed, it most certainly will not be the last. One thing I promise you is that right now you want to believe her. By talking to her she will put a different spin on the situation and she will convince you that this was a one off and you will believe her. That would be a mistake.

Without sounding rude, you do not sound as though you are able to take care of her financially, she needs to earn money, she probably has little or no education and she has worked the bar and knows how easy it is to make money. You sound as though you are a young guy. Take my advice.forget about this girl it will hurt for a while, but it will hurt you a lot more in the future, if you do not get rid now.

By the way the ladies forum is normally for the ladies to talk about ladies things!!

The ladies you are addressing here are either professional farang or Thai ladies, NOT bar girls, so they are not really going to be able to give you first hand experience on the mind of a thai bar girl!!

You obviously are not wanting a male viewpoint as you know what the response will be.

Kid, you know the truth, you know what you have to do, be brave get over the hurt otherwise you will regret it

[JacknDanny]

dont believe her. everything will NOT be ok. your trust has been destroyed and you will never be able to trust her again.

i am sure that this is not the first time she has done this.

do not believe that everything will be ok as she will lie to you again and again to get her way, but you will always have these doubts at the back of your mind.

dump her. do it quick. delete her phone number and have no further contact. sever the ties and keep your sanity.

Excellent advice donna. I wasnt trying to imply that women didnt have an opinion in my last post

Its just that most males who have been here for a long time have experienced something similar

[calibanjr.]

First thing, in order to help yourself think more objectively/clearly and try to take emotion out of it as much as possible, remember that yours is by no means the first time this has happened or the worst version of this story. You seem to be doing well in the rationality department already, but I think it's important.

Second. You actually went through the visa process and took her to England for 2 months? Given that MAJOR level of commitment and proven trust/sincerity on your part, her subsequent actions prove her to be either permanently untrustworthy, or just clinically unsympathetic to your well-being in even putting you in the situations which you described.

Edited January 11, 2007 by calibanjr.

[helicoptor]

There are exceptions obviously but, if you take some time to search this forum and read some of the posts that are remarkedly similar to yours, you will conclude that generally BGs do not make trustworthy partners especially when there is distance and time seperating both.

They are experts in manipulation and have a masters degree in saying what you want to hear, you have been taken in like so many before you and no doubt since.

Cut your losses and end this before you get more hurt, both financially and emotionally.

From your post I would put your GF in the category of 'Grafter'.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do

heli

[andypat]

Get rid of her ASAP & buy a copy of the book "Money number one " & then you will realise she does not want you only your money.

There are many lovely Thai ladies who live away from tourist areas who I am sure would treat you very well & you could build a good life with.

I speak from experience.

Good luck

[gpt]

Let's be brutally honest here. Would you marry a prostitute in your own country? If your answer is 'No', why do you want to marry one from here?

[taxexile]

Luckily I called her before anything happened

you are too naive and trusting to be getting married to a thai prostitute.

you are just the meal ticket that she is looking for , despite the "cultural differences" (which are your short sightedness versus her ability to control and manipulate you totally )

you will never come before her family.

your problems are only just beginning.

she's not for you , and you are not for her.

be told or be sorry.

[donna]

dont believe her. everything will NOT be ok. your trust has been destroyed and you will never be able to trust her again.

i am sure that this is not the first time she has done this.

do not believe that everything will be ok as she will lie to you again and again to get her way, but you will always have these doubts at the back of your mind.

dump her. do it quick. delete her phone number and have no further contact. sever the ties and keep your sanity.

Excellent advice donna. I wasnt trying to imply that women didnt have an opinion in my last post

Its just that most males who have been here for a long time have experienced something similar

i AM speaking from experience. i have just found out that my 'partner' of 5 months or so is married! go figure that!

devastated? absolutely.

sad? absolutely.

angry? absolutely.

will i get through this? absolutely.

it hurts like hel_l. it physically hurts. i cant sleep. its affecting my work. i vomit after i eat. and i feel like my head is being crushed.

but you have to take the positives of your life and amplify them. its ok to be angry. its ok to be hurt. but you also must know that you deserve better than this. you do not deserve someone who treats you like this.

after all you have done for her, and to have her do this to you is nothing short of lies and deception.

move on. you deserve better than this piece of work. (nasty name taken out - sorry)

[JacknDanny]

dont believe her. everything will NOT be ok. your trust has been destroyed and you will never be able to trust her again.

i am sure that this is not the first time she has done this.

do not believe that everything will be ok as she will lie to you again and again to get her way, but you will always have these doubts at the back of your mind.

dump her. do it quick. delete her phone number and have no further contact. sever the ties and keep your sanity.

Excellent advice donna. I wasnt trying to imply that women didnt have an opinion in my last post

Its just that most males who have been here for a long time have experienced something similar

i AM speaking from experience. i have just found out that my 'partner' of 5 months or so is married! go figure that!

devastated? absolutely.

sad? absolutely.

angry? absolutely.

will i get through this? absolutely.

it hurts like hel_l. it physically hurts. i cant sleep. its affecting my work. i vomit after i eat. and i feel like my head is being crushed.

but you have to take the positives of your life and amplify them. its ok to be angry. its ok to be hurt. but you also must know that you deserve better than this. you do not deserve someone who treats you like this.

after all you have done for her, and to have her do this to you is nothing short of lies and deception.

move on. you deserve better than this piece of work. (nasty name taken out - sorry)

Sorry to hear that donna. It takes a strong person to admit something like that. Good luck girl

[donna]

strong? no, i dont think so. im crumbling. BUT i am gonna be ok. they say what doesnt kill us makes us stronger, hey?

well, wonder woman look out! she now has a rival. (maybe i dont have the same figure as her, but strength wise, im gonna whip her ass).

[BambinA]

i AM speaking from experience. i have just found out that my 'partner' of 5 months or so is married! go figure that!

devastated? absolutely.

sad? absolutely.

angry? absolutely.

will i get through this? absolutely.

it hurts like hel_l. it physically hurts. i cant sleep. its affecting my work. i vomit after i eat. and i feel like my head is being crushed.

..I love u P' Donna ..xoxox

[LaoPo]

strong? no, i dont think so. im crumbling. BUT i am gonna be ok. they say what doesnt kill us makes us stronger, hey?

well, wonder woman look out! she now has a rival. (maybe i dont have the same figure as her, but strength wise, im gonna whip her ass).

I feel sorry Donna; you -of all people- certainly didn't deserve this and I can almost feel your pain.

I don't however understand your 'rival'-thing....are you blaming the wife of your 5-months' partner ? Why are you angry with 'her' or am I missing something ?

Anyway I wish you well and please take care of yourself !

LaoPo

[mouse]

If this is not a TROLL then your error was allowing her to stay and work there in the first place with the insane limitation of "working in a nice bar". It is a very addictive lifestyle for the girls. The only way to make such a relationship work, is keep her with you, either in your own country or in LOS. LOS being preferrable, as many girls have trouble adjusting to our western lifestyles, without overindulging in various things and trouble starting once they realize that they are a novelty and are cute.

Making sure that they know the limitations and value of trust at the beginning of the relationship. Remember, in many cases you are practically raising a child for their psychological makeup is equal to that of a farang child. How do you raise a child???? Give it what it wants most and then take it away, or limit it from time to time based on behavior. Keep her happy by spoiling her from time to time, remembering that they are very materialistic, due to the fact that many of them never had anything before, but, then again, never give her tooooooo much of anything. The one exception to this and the most important rule is to have many children.

Now for any femminist out there! FLAME away!

[donna]

strong? no, i dont think so. im crumbling. BUT i am gonna be ok. they say what doesnt kill us makes us stronger, hey?

well, wonder woman look out! she now has a rival. (maybe i dont have the same figure as her, but strength wise, im gonna whip her ass).

I feel sorry Donna; you -of all people- certainly didn't deserve this and I can almost feel your pain.

I don't however understand your 'rival'-thing....are you blaming the wife of your 5-months' partner ? Why are you angry with 'her' or am I missing something ?

Anyway I wish you well and please take care of yourself !

LaoPo

LaoPo, I have PM'd you. Sorry. dont want to hijak any more.

[Jamesyboi]

get rid of her and get a new girl, plenty of nice ones out there

and this story isn't going to be a good foundation to build on, as you both will always bring it up down the track

[PhilHarries]

I've posted this tale before somewhere on this site but can't remember where so I'll post it again.

A few years ago I was sat at my local beer bar in Pattaya when this girl walks in and was enthusiastically welcomed by all the bg's. Turns out she's an ex bg, married to an Aussie, got Aussie citizenship, got a child by the guy and got a well paying job in Oz now back for a short holiday to visit family and friends. About an hour later there she is, off down beach road arm in arm with an American sailor.

It's a hackneyed old phrase "you can take the dirl out of the bar blah blah blah" but there's more than a grain of truth to it.

Think about it, for 100% of the time you aint with her you'll be thinking "where is she, what is she doing, who is she with?".

For the sake of your own sanity, bail out sooner rather than later.

I hope you're not a troll, this has just taken a few minutes of my life to type.

[November Rain]

OP,

I agree with everyone else. Walk away now, before you invest any more in this relationship, emotionally or financially.

Donna,

Sorry to hear of your pain. Really glad you kicked him into touch. You're too good to be with some creep that lies to you & to his wife .

Lots of hugs to you & you're right, this experience will make you stronger. That's the only good thing about bad experiences, you learn from them & they do make you strong.

[sbk]

Tax made one excellent point, she will never put her family ahead of you. When money is god then your relationship certainly comes second.

Donna, sorry to hear about your troubles, know we are all behind you -- Wonder Woman has nothing on you

[stevenh]

Sorry what is a troll? Ive used this site a few times but not come across the term. Thanks

[gpt]

Sorry what is a troll? Ive used this site a few times but not come across the term. Thanks

Free On-line Dictionary of Computing - Cite This Source

troll An electronic mail message, Usenet posting or other (electronic) communication which is intentionally incorrect, but not overtly controversial (compare flame bait), or the act of sending such a message. Trolling aims to elicit an emotional reaction from those with a hair-trigger on the reply key. A really subtle troll makes some people lose their minds.

[stevenh]

No, I'm not a troll. I am tthough someone who is now beginning to realise that I was an idiot for ever being taken in. I'm just not sure if everyone here has heard of someone who has had a bad experience of a bar girl who had one themselves but everyone seems damning of her and all bar girls. Does anyone not think there are some bar girls out there that really do want to get away from this life and do what they have to do. As Nok told me after what happened, I can never understand why she did this.

I always try to see the good in people and will still still feel she was a sweet girl but maybe tainted by working in Bangkok and having the wrong people around her (she told me one friend had been telling her because she knew she needed money that its ok she is engaged but we are not married so not to worry about it). Sometimes its the little things that make you feel someone cares about you, or things like the excitement that she showed when I would get in from work. All my housemates used to say that she clearly adored me from seeing her around me and how happy she looked.

I know she's not as cold hearted as people here tend to believe she is but the responses I got to my post are damning and have most likely pushed me towards finishing it.

I should never have let her go back to work in Bangkok and things would have been just fine. You'll all think I'm a sucker but I am truly gutted.

[ilyushin]

Leave it behind you and move forward. I know it is tough, but you are the victim and need to get away from her.

Sorry it didn't workout.

Go for a nurse next time. She'll take better care of you.

[bkkandrew]

No, I'm not a troll. I am tthough someone who is now beginning to realise that I was an idiot for ever being taken in. I'm just not sure if everyone here has heard of someone who has had a bad experience of a bar girl who had one themselves but everyone seems damning of her and all bar girls. Does anyone not think there are some bar girls out there that really do want to get away from this life and do what they have to do. As Nok told me after what happened, I can never understand why she did this.

I always try to see the good in people and will still still feel she was a sweet girl but maybe tainted by working in Bangkok and having the wrong people around her (she told me one friend had been telling her because she knew she needed money that its ok she is engaged but we are not married so not to worry about it). Sometimes its the little things that make you feel someone cares about you, or things like the excitement that she showed when I would get in from work. All my housemates used to say that she clearly adored me from seeing her around me and how happy she looked.

I know she's not as cold hearted as people here tend to believe she is but the responses I got to my post are damning and have most likely pushed me towards finishing it.

I should never have let her go back to work in Bangkok and things would have been just fine. You'll all think I'm a sucker but I am truly gutted.

No - thats the thing. A long-term ex of mine married and now lives in Belfast. She still sleeps around, just recently with an old B/F, hours after her HONEYMOON ended and he went back to Uk a week in advance of her!!! She thinks nothing of contacting me for a quicky etc..

Her location has nothing to do with what she does. The only issue is her personality, which has now been exposed to you..

Edited January 11, 2007 by bkkandrew

[girlx]

steven unfortunately it is your willingness to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is counting on. she is using you and playing you for a fool. wake up, move on... you will meet someone else worth it and will feel so much better in the future for taking control of your life. thai bar girls are manipulation pros. you can not change them or save them. concentrate on saving yourself. and you should feel good about the fact that you are not alone in this situation, half the farang men in thailand have probably had this experience.