Worst Joke Ever 2024

[Andrew Dwyer]

Seems like a great deal !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

I’ve been looking for this !

[WorriedNoodle]

[Andrew Dwyer]

I think there is an app for it now [emoji51]

[Andrew Dwyer]

I gave up with that one too !!

[Andrew Dwyer]

I’m pretty sure the dentist was right !!

[WorriedNoodle]

[WorriedNoodle]

[faraday]

^^ Fantastic!!!

 

 

[Seth1a2a]

 

 

 

 

All those unlimited visas will be lost, in time, during the many tiers of Prayut 's Reign over Thailand......it's time , to dye ....my hair for a new fake passport photo......

 

 

Edited August 2, 2019 by Seth1a2a

[fasteddie]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,
'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties.'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says,
'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The crowd's bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.

The barman says, 'Who are you?

To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.'

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said ...

'Mixin-me-toastie

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A dog walks into a greengrocers carrying a basket and a list in his mouth. He gives the list to the shop assistant and the basket is soon full of apples, oranges, a melon and 2lb plums. 
"That'll be £3.50," says the assistant and the dog passes over a purse. He counts out the right money, hands back the purse and the dog leaves the shop. Over the next few weeks the dog appears regularly in the shop and the assistant becomes more and more curious about where he comes from. Eventually he decides that when the dog next comes in, he'll close up and follow the animal home. The following Thursday afternoon the dog appears and the assistant follows him home. It's at least a mile to walk and throughout the journey the dog shows remarkable skills in crossing the many busy roads. At last he walks up the garden path of a squalid looking house and knocks on the door. A moment later it's opened by a fat, scruffy looking man who kicks the dog back down the path. "Outraged at such behaviour, the assistant rushes up shouting
"How dare you treat this amazing dog in such a callous way?" "B*gger off," replies the man, "The dog's got to learn. It's the third time this month that he's forgotten his keys." 
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

The milkman couldn't believe the note left on the doorstep, requesting 60 gallons of milk. Intrigued, he rang the doorbell to make sure the order was correct and a beautiful woman, covered only by a towel opened the door. 
"Oh yes" she said, "I read somewhere that bathing in milk did wonders for your sex life." 
"Ah the beauty of milk, would that be pasteurised?" he asked. 
"No, up to my chin is enough," she answered

Edited August 2, 2019 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Three nuns went to confession. 
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned," said the first nun, "I looked at a man's penis." 
"Then wash your eyes with holy water," said the priest. 
In came the second nun. 
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I touched a man's penis." 
"Then go and wash your hands in holy water," came the reply. The third nun went in and it was some time before she reappeared and joined her colleagues. 
"Sorry I was so long," she said, "I just had to go and gargle and a have a douche." 

[scottiejohn]

[fasteddie]

46 minutes ago, scottiejohn said:

Many a true word spoken in jest.

[VBF]

1 hour ago, scottiejohn said:

The milkman couldn't believe the note left on the doorstep, requesting 60 gallons of milk. Intrigued, he rang the doorbell to make sure the order was correct and a beautiful woman, covered only by a towel opened the door. 
"Oh yes" she said, "I read somewhere that bathing in milk did wonders for your sex life." 
"Ah the beauty of milk, would that be pasteurised?" he asked. 
"No, up to my chin is enough," she answered

Thank you Benny Hill (from Ernie, the fastest milkman in the west) ????

[ballpoint]

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Because they're seafood?

Because they're molluscs?

Because they're bivalves?

 

I give up.  I never liked shell fish anyway.

[Seth1a2a]

A duck walks into a bar, hops up on a barstool, and says to the bartender, "Got any worms ??". The bartender says "No, we don't serve worms here", so the duck hops down off the barstool and leaves. The next day, the duck walks into the bar again, hops up, and says "Got any worms??"; again, the bartender says "No, we don't serve worms here", and the duck leaves.

This goes on for several days, until one day the bartender finally had enough, and tells the duck, "Look, you come in here every day and ask for worms, and every day I tell you we don't serve worms. If you come in here again and ask if we got worms, I'm gonna set you up here and nail your feet to the top of the bar. Now GET OUTTA HERE !! "

The next day the duck walks into the bar, hops up on a barstool, and says, "Got any nails??". The bartender says "No", to which the duck replies "Great! Got any worms???".

[Andrew Dwyer]

I’d vote for this !!

[Seth1a2a]

Dog for sale

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog for Sale." The owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. He sees an old mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Sure do." the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?" , "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and decided to help the government. I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time I was sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."

"The jetting around really tired me out, so I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I  helped catch a lot of bad guys and was awarded a batch of medals."

"Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that $hit!"  , he just sits around all day watching television.

 

 

 

Edited August 2, 2019 by Seth1a2a

[Seth1a2a]

Two antennas met on a roof, they fell in love and got married. The ceremony was alright but the reception was amazing 

A psychic  dwarf escaped from a jail, the police radio call went , "be on the lookout for a small medium at large" ......

I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa .........instead of  screaming in horror like passengers in the van he was driving....  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

      
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Edited August 2, 2019 by Seth1a2a

[fasteddie]

[Andrew Dwyer]

Alzheimer’s kicking in Eddie ??

I posted this 23 hours ago....... and you gave it a like !!

[chickenslegs]

19 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Alzheimer’s kicking in Eddie ??

I posted this 23 hours ago....... and you gave it a like !!

It's like Groundhog Day here sometimes.

I gave your original post a "likee" and then gave Fasteddie's (identical) post another "likee" a day later.

I will know I've gone completely mad if someone else posts the same joke tomorrow and I give it a "likee".

[Andrew Dwyer]

Yeah, they don’t get me that easy either !

[fasteddie]

6 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Alzheimer’s kicking in Eddie ??

I posted this 23 hours ago....... and you gave it a like !!

Ha Ha, must be all the wanking ????