Monday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

POTENTIAL CONDOM SLOGANS:

1. Cover your stump before you hump

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker

3. Don't be silly, protect your willy

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout

5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner

6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong

7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it

8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter

11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go into heat, package your meat

13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker

17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool

18. The right selection will protect your erection

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil

20. A crank with armor will never harm her

21. No glove, no love!

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Larry and his wife JoAnn listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Larry leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Self Raising , isn't it?

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

WORDS

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...

30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and said, "What?"

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time."

"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .......... "HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him

at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece .

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT!