Domestic Violence

[Patsycat]

I, also have been the victim of an abusive (verbally and mentally) husband. I was almost a slave in our home. I got out, but the scars are still there. I cannot be me, be happy, laugh. He is still there in the back of my mind. Even though now he is dead (not through my doing) i am still under his thumb. All relationships i try to have die before they start. That man has screwed up my life to the extent that he has actually won in his search to put me down so badly. I have no more., he reduced me to a person who had no brain or intelligence.

[zaza]

I, also have been the victim of an abusive (verbally and mentally) husband. I was almost a slave in our home. I got out, but the scars are still there. I cannot be me, be happy, laugh. He is still there in the back of my mind. Even though now he is dead (not through my doing) i am still under his thumb. All relationships i try to have die before they start. That man has screwed up my life to the extent that he has actually won in his search to put me down so badly. I have no more., he reduced me to a person who had no brain or intelligence.

Oh;Pat!

Please,you are one of the most brained and intelligent posters here. If you just put that awful bad things on your mind;surely you will feel and reflect it to all the people you meet;then YOU yourself had helped that mean(late) husband to achieve his goals of destroying you.

YOU can be YOU ,you can feel happy and you will laugh if you would only know how to count your blisses that you are just taking it for granted now.

Honestly;in someway or another most people(men& women) have or had been through a bad abusive relation but that does NOT mean the end of the world! Just hold your head up high and move on!

BTW;do u have kids from that relation?

Edited August 20, 2007 by zaza

[sbk]

I agree with zaza here, patsycat, you don't need to accept what occurred to you, you have worth and intelligence in your own right. I just hope some day you can get past his brainwashing and see yourself for the person you really are. Worthy of love and respect

[kat]

I, also have been the victim of an abusive (verbally and mentally) husband. I was almost a slave in our home. I got out, but the scars are still there. I cannot be me, be happy, laugh. He is still there in the back of my mind. Even though now he is dead (not through my doing) i am still under his thumb. All relationships i try to have die before they start. That man has screwed up my life to the extent that he has actually won in his search to put me down so badly. I have no more., he reduced me to a person who had no brain or intelligence.

:

Patsycat, that what abuse does, and it can happen to any of us. People know me on this forum, and they generally know that I can give as good as I get, but I recently had an experience with an abusive boss and started to loss my confidence and sense of self-worth. It is a psychological hold on you, and nothing more. Once you step up and challenge it, you break that hold, and can start to move forward. Miraculously, that's what I did about 2 weeks ago, and everything has changed. I stopped worrying about being unemployed, or vulnerable because I was newly back in the country, and just stepped up and countered her in a very honest and open way, without hostility. I gained her respect and regained my sense of esteem. Once I did that, I opened the way to put my energy elsewhere, and I'm confident that doors will open up again. I am so out of that place! And you know what - now all of a sudden she's nice, and effusive with praise. That's what abusive people do when they lose power over you.

I know your husband is dead, but you need to work out some of the crap he left in you. You should should either see a therapist, or start making small steps toward a challenge in your life that you are not facing at the moment. Do things that YOU want to do, and that bring you joy and confidence. The next time someone says something that you don't like or don't want to do, don't do it, and tell them why. You can get your self back, Patsycat.

[Ave]

I, also have been the victim of an abusive (verbally and mentally) husband. I was almost a slave in our home. I got out, but the scars are still there. I cannot be me, be happy, laugh. He is still there in the back of my mind. Even though now he is dead (not through my doing) i am still under his thumb. All relationships i try to have die before they start. That man has screwed up my life to the extent that he has actually won in his search to put me down so badly. I have no more., he reduced me to a person who had no brain or intelligence.

:

Patsycat, that what abuse does, and it can happen to any of us. People know me on this forum, and they generally know that I can give as good as I get, but I recently had an experience with an abusive boss and started to loss my confidence and sense of self-worth. It is a psychological hold on you, and nothing more. Once you step up and challenge it, you break that hold, and can start to move forward. Miraculously, that's what I did about 2 weeks ago, and everything has changed. I stopped worrying about being unemployed, or vulnerable because I was newly back in the country, and just stepped up and countered her in a very honest and open way, without hostility. I gained her respect and regained my sense of esteem. Once I did that, I opened the way to put my energy elsewhere, and I'm confident that doors will open up again. I am so out of that place! And you know what - now all of a sudden she's nice, and effusive with praise. That's what abusive people do when they lose power over you.

I know your husband is dead, but you need to work out some of the crap he left in you. You should should either see a therapist, or start making small steps toward a challenge in your life that you are not facing at the moment. Do things that YOU want to do, and that bring you joy and confidence. The next time someone says something that you don't like or don't want to do, don't do it, and tell them why. You can get your self back, Patsycat.

Wonderful words!

[girlx]

i agree, as a victim of several types of abuse since a very young age, i know how it can destroy parts of you. but don't ever let someone else's actions or words define yourself. you can always get back up on your feet and be happy in yourself despite them, and not only do you "win" by doing so, but you come out so much stronger and with so much more character, that it is actually possible to pity and forgive your abuser. not easy, but very rewarding.

[sari02]

Sorry to take over your post. Been reading this site for a while and now I have a reason to post after what happened this week in Thailand.

Here's the scenario. A single female 40+ Farang moves to Thailand just over five years ago and opens a business.

As is natural, she tries dating both other Farang and Thai men during the course of the time she spends here – unfortunately without much success . Amongst her staff, she employs a Thai Buddhist guy clearly lacking in social skills as well as life and relationship experience. However, he is good at his job, and apparently empathetic with some of her lifestyle views.

He works as a member of her team, on and off, over a period of three years. During the last year, a relationship develops between them – her lonely and seeking comfort, he completely bowled over that an educated, white-skinned woman, who is his boss, would ever be interested in him as a sexual partner.

At some point, and as is so often the case in the minutiae of Thai relationships, his fondness for her escalates into an obsession. This culminates in a particularly nasty and violent episode during which he holds her at knifepoint and rapes her. Appalled, she files a report with police and begs friends for help, resulting in a police escort for him from the area, and a signed disclaimer from her for the police promising to discontinue all contact with him in future.

A couple of months down the line, the boyfriend returns (he most certainly sees himself now as her boyfriend, and not as a member of staff). He begs for another chance, and she succumbs (for whatever reasons of her own). She reinstalls him in one of her bungalows, and despite promising all and sundry (including the police of course) that she would never encourage him in this way again, eventually sleeps with him once more, on a number of occasions.

Some time later, she reconnects with a well-educated and attractive Thai Muslim friend, and invites him to visit and stay at her business as a potential staff member. You know what's coming next, don't you? Yes, the Buddhist guy, inept in relationships and communication, becomes enraged and one night, attacks the Muslim with a large piece of wood, beats him into unconsciousness, drags him through the garden and dumps the body in the well, where it is discovered the following day.

Three lives are now ruined. The wealthy Muslim gentleman is dead. The poorly educated, displaced Buddhist guy is remanded into prison. And the Farang woman is obviously completely distraught. The local police are furious that they have lost face and that she ignored their advice after seeking their assistance.

Who is responsible? Whom do you think the bereaved family should look to for moral restitution for their son's murder? Could this have been prevented? What are your thoughts?

[Patsycat]

Thanks everyone for you kind words!! I know that I have to get out of that rut and I have come out of it to certain extent. But I know that that bastard has put a mark on me mentally which will probably take years to wear away. I'm not saying that I don't have a laugh - I have some great friends and a good social life. It's just sometimes when I think of the nearly 10 years i went through that. I get angry with myself for letting myself get into that situation in the first place. But like most mental abusers he was a charming, atttractive man. After his funeral I spoke at length with his first wife and she had suffered the same fate as me!!

I will never forgive him but I do feel sorry for him in a strange way - that his head was in such a turmoil to push him to inflict that on not one but two women who loved him and supposedly the girlfriend he had after me. He must have lived a very sad life and not liked women very much.

Sari02 - This is a very sad story - for all concerned. I am sure this tragedy could have been prevented had the lady not let the Buddhist guy back into her life, or not taken up with the Muslim or whatever. I am not pointing fingers at anyone - these things happen, sadly, and our minds all work in different ways. RIP

[girlx]

there is a phenomenon with victims of abusers that makes them sympathize with and even defend the bastards. i think it's because if they were to admit that person really is as bad as they are, if people like that can really exist, then it makes life seem pretty ###### not worth living. also it's because every person has 2 sides, and often abusers have a very charming "good side" which leads to confusion. so very often women, especially those who actually love their abusers, get into the vicious cycle of trying to push that person out of their life, not being able to hold out for too long against the superficial charm, and letting them back in again- repeat. and very often it ends badly. unfortunately there is little help out there and you would just have to convince yourself you deserve better, and cut off all contact. i know from experience that is not easy. but in a lot of cases it is either that or be dead.

[livingitlovingit]

Sorry to take over your post. Been reading this site for a while and now I have a reason to post after what happened this week in Thailand.

Here's the scenario. A single female 40+ Farang moves to Thailand just over five years ago and opens a business.

As is natural, she tries dating both other Farang and Thai men during the course of the time she spends here – unfortunately without much success . Amongst her staff, she employs a Thai Buddhist guy clearly lacking in social skills as well as life and relationship experience. However, he is good at his job, and apparently empathetic with some of her lifestyle views.

He works as a member of her team, on and off, over a period of three years. During the last year, a relationship develops between them – her lonely and seeking comfort, he completely bowled over that an educated, white-skinned woman, who is his boss, would ever be interested in him as a sexual partner.

At some point, and as is so often the case in the minutiae of Thai relationships, his fondness for her escalates into an obsession. This culminates in a particularly nasty and violent episode during which he holds her at knifepoint and rapes her. Appalled, she files a report with police and begs friends for help, resulting in a police escort for him from the area, and a signed disclaimer from her for the police promising to discontinue all contact with him in future.

A couple of months down the line, the boyfriend returns (he most certainly sees himself now as her boyfriend, and not as a member of staff). He begs for another chance, and she succumbs (for whatever reasons of her own). She reinstalls him in one of her bungalows, and despite promising all and sundry (including the police of course) that she would never encourage him in this way again, eventually sleeps with him once more, on a number of occasions.

Some time later, she reconnects with a well-educated and attractive Thai Muslim friend, and invites him to visit and stay at her business as a potential staff member. You know what's coming next, don't you? Yes, the Buddhist guy, inept in relationships and communication, becomes enraged and one night, attacks the Muslim with a large piece of wood, beats him into unconsciousness, drags him through the garden and dumps the body in the well, where it is discovered the following day.

Three lives are now ruined. The wealthy Muslim gentleman is dead. The poorly educated, displaced Buddhist guy is remanded into prison. And the Farang woman is obviously completely distraught. The local police are furious that they have lost face and that she ignored their advice after seeking their assistance.

Who is responsible? Whom do you think the bereaved family should look to for moral restitution for their son's murder? Could this have been prevented? What are your thoughts?

Sari02 - re the above - I know the situation you are talking about and unfortunately I have previously been on the recieving end of abuse from a staff member employed by this woman (attacked with a broom, chair, had the shirt ripped off my back, a rice cooker thrown at my head) and remember well her reaction (took 48 hours for her just to ask if I was ok). This opened my eyes to what her priorities were - not safety for other people at the business, just concern for the business itself and how she would manage with her staffing problem! we all make our own luck and decisions in life, but what goes around does come around eh? If I was a member of the bereaved family, I would feel very angry that her inability/refusal to deal with the situation had led to the loss of my loved one's life.

GirlX - you're motives seem pure and warm - it is a sad situation, but having been sexually abused, raped, physically and mentally abused myself earlier in life, I firmly believe it is entirely up to oneself to choose whether you go through life as a victim or not. I chose not. The fact of the matter is that you CANNOT help someone who does not want to help themselves.

Shalom to you all.

[kat]

Sorry to take over your post. Been reading this site for a while and now I have a reason to post after what happened this week in Thailand.

Here's the scenario. A single female 40+ Farang moves to Thailand just over five years ago and opens a business.

As is natural, she tries dating both other Farang and Thai men during the course of the time she spends here – unfortunately without much success . Amongst her staff, she employs a Thai Buddhist guy clearly lacking in social skills as well as life and relationship experience. However, he is good at his job, and apparently empathetic with some of her lifestyle views.

He works as a member of her team, on and off, over a period of three years. During the last year, a relationship develops between them – her lonely and seeking comfort, he completely bowled over that an educated, white-skinned woman, who is his boss, would ever be interested in him as a sexual partner.

At some point, and as is so often the case in the minutiae of Thai relationships, his fondness for her escalates into an obsession. This culminates in a particularly nasty and violent episode during which he holds her at knifepoint and rapes her. Appalled, she files a report with police and begs friends for help, resulting in a police escort for him from the area, and a signed disclaimer from her for the police promising to discontinue all contact with him in future.

A couple of months down the line, the boyfriend returns (he most certainly sees himself now as her boyfriend, and not as a member of staff). He begs for another chance, and she succumbs (for whatever reasons of her own). She reinstalls him in one of her bungalows, and despite promising all and sundry (including the police of course) that she would never encourage him in this way again, eventually sleeps with him once more, on a number of occasions.

Some time later, she reconnects with a well-educated and attractive Thai Muslim friend, and invites him to visit and stay at her business as a potential staff member. You know what's coming next, don't you? Yes, the Buddhist guy, inept in relationships and communication, becomes enraged and one night, attacks the Muslim with a large piece of wood, beats him into unconsciousness, drags him through the garden and dumps the body in the well, where it is discovered the following day.

Three lives are now ruined. The wealthy Muslim gentleman is dead. The poorly educated, displaced Buddhist guy is remanded into prison. And the Farang woman is obviously completely distraught. The local police are furious that they have lost face and that she ignored their advice after seeking their assistance.

Who is responsible? Whom do you think the bereaved family should look to for moral restitution for their son's murder? Could this have been prevented? What are your thoughts?

This is just a horrible situation all around. From a legal perspective, which I believe is what restitution should be, she endangered her staff and customers by allowing a confirmed emotionally unbalanced and violent person who required police intervention to stay at her business.

[November Rain]

it is a sad situation, but having been sexually abused, raped, physically and mentally abused myself earlier in life, I firmly believe it is entirely up to oneself to choose whether you go through life as a victim or not. I chose not. The fact of the matter is that you CANNOT help someone who does not want to help themselves.

Shalom to you all.

I believe this, too. I've been raped by a boyfriend and been in abusive relationships. Each time I have chosen to end it, on two occasions I put a lot of distance between myself & the other person, on the third, it was up to willpower. I agree 100% with your last sentence, livingitlovingit.

Not having heard of the situation Sari02 described & relying only on their post, without knowing any other facts, I would say that the farang woman showed naivety, misjudgement and possibly plain stupidity throughout the story. Of course, she was not the murderer, but it seems to me that at many points she could have called a halt & stuck to it. A very sad story.

[Nienke]

When I read all the posts about abuse, mentally and/or physically, my question is often 'Why do women stay with a person like this and how come they put up with the abuse?' Of course, I can't answer this question for others, but I can for myself now.

I've been in a mentally abusive relationship for years. At the time I did not know it was mentally abuse, I only knew that most of the time I felt miserable and very much hurt. Slowly I lost the little confidence and self-esteem I had and trust in people as I couldn't have any girl friends as my ex would run of with them and always in complete secrecy (sure enough, better not to have girld friends like that in the first place. But that's talking afterwards).

Once we split up, I got to understand what had happened and why I let it happen to me. I got involved with him BECAUSE I had a low self-esteem, was socially a misfit, and was incapable of staying alone.

Gosh, in the three months after the split up the only thing I did was reading and listening to self-help and spiritual books and tapes. The very interesting part was also, that on the morning he left I had two ladies I hardly knew coming for training their dogs. They immediately picked me up and helped me back on my feet. Help is there when you open up for it! During my relationship with him I also got help, something I found out later, and that were my dogs, with my boxer in particular. The dogs kept me going, never to quit, and my boxer opened my heart. She was fatally ill during the last days of my relationship with my ex, and I needed to put her to sleep three days after he left. I still miss her a lot.

In a way I was lucky, as the business didn't run the way it should and therefore my ex went abroad to work. During these periods I found out that, in fact, I was perfectly capable of running the business alone (even better), and actually I felt much better when he was not around. Plus, that I did have (still have) two great friends in Holland, who kept on supporting and advising me. But despite their advise early in the relationship to leave him and why, it still took me several years to stand on my own. I was just not capable of doing so before.

Do I hate my ex? No not really, we are in fact still friends (he's a foreigner and still lives in Thailand). Although, he did and has said quite bad things, because of the relationship I had with him I finally could work on the many issues I had before and during my relationship with him. And for this, I'm grateful to him. He did try to get back together on a few occassions. After all, I do believe he really loved me in his own peculiar way. But my answer is a very definite NO.

The relationship did leave scars, though. Many of it I've dealt with, some still flair up once in a while although in a much lesser extent and I get my act together much quicker, and some I'm still working on. It just takes time, step by little step. I've got plenty of time.

My two cents,

Nienke

[Patsycat]

Why did i put up with it? Simple answer - i had no where else to go, my family were in britain and i in switzerland, my dad had paid for a big wedding, and lo and behold i was living with a wierdo.

Rewind a few years - we/I wanted to start a family (normal as newelyweds) - came off pill - no baby. So i went to see a reputed gyni (only prob ther was he was a man and hubbie got in his mind that any man who put his fingers....) i had all tests possible including pills to take to ovulate and the wonderful injection of dye into my fallopian tubes. Doc says all is well, you have a beautiful uterus and fallopian tubes there is no probs. Six months later - me being sick cos of hormone pillls Doc suggests that hubby may be the problem and hubby should take a sperm test... Hubby refuses "Hey, me alpha male etc".

It was at that point that i decided to leave. After all the probbing and probing i had gone through.

So i left, and you know what he said a week after? I will do the test!!! TOO LATE.

And in a sad, sorrowful way i am glad i did not have a child with that man. But am also sad that i did not have a child.

But hey - next life i shall have lots.

I may be telling too much about myself here, but i feel good when i can interact with others who have been in the same or similar situations.

Thanks for reading this and lets keep strong.