Wednesday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would.

Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view.

With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself.

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad -- as ye wish. I understand. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and....

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old man a hug!"

Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you, too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's a quiverin."

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your butt?"

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV, and threw out all of his beer.

9 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know

where my watch is pal, where the hel_l is yours? Do I point at my crotch

when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for

the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. And change the

channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". ######

right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is..

Why the hel_l would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do

this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I

paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the ###### floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a

choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then

there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there

must have been something before it, couldn't be

new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hel_l?? Life is the longest ######

thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come

yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "You are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "You are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "You're getting herpes: which is why I came here in the first place."

[Pink Mist]

me thinks your lines are crossed jamy