Bringing Elderly Relative (stroke Victim) To Thailand

[simon43]

Just when I thought this year was finally getting better, (after the recovery of my wife from mental illness), my 89 year old father died of a heart attack yesterday in the UK. I will miss him very much.

However, other lives have to go on, and this is where I have a dilemma. 4 years ago, my mother suffered several strokes, which confined her to a wheelchair and impaired her memory/mental abilities. My father has done a sterling job of looking after her at their UK home, with the help of daily care assistants.

Now my 2 brothers and I have to decide what we can do with our mother, who is now 79 years old. She requires 24/7 care/monitoring, and cannot be looked after by my brothers who must work. So a UK care home seems the only option.

But is it? When I mentioned this dilemma to my Thai wife, she asked why her and I could not look after her. We own our Phuket hotel which was built for full wheelchair access. There are very good hospitals in Phuket and 24/7 nursing care would be so much cheaper than the UK. Finally, she would be living amongst family and her new grandson... (And better to live 5 happy years with your family than 10 miserable years in a UK care home...)

My mother is physically reasonably ok, although she cannot walk. She can use her hands a little to eat food. Mentally, she varies from day-to-day and can sometimes recognise me and sometimes not. But she is very happy to watch the TV and listen to family conversations etc.

I'm going back to the UK tomorrow for my father's funeral and to discuss all this with my brother. But I would appreciate feedback/comment from any TV members who have brought elderly/sick relatives to live permanently with them in Thailand.

Simon

[jimmym40]

I cannot give any recommendation as to the pros and cons of bringing your mother over to thailand. I just want to say that if I was in your situation, I would definately bring my mother over to spend her last years together. If you don't, you will always have this in the back of your mind if you should have. I can tell you love your parents very much (as did I). At least give it a try...

[Goldenbead]

I don't have any advice about bringing your mum over but I wish you well with it. I just wanted to express my sympathy on the death of your father. I lost my dad two years ago, so I know what it is like. Good luck with getting things organised for your mum. Take care.

[Youbloodybeauty]

Just when I thought this year was finally getting better

Simon,

I can't help with the Thailand decision but the past 6 months for me have been extremely difficult and could never have imagined how hard it was/is to put Mum into a nursing home. She had multiple strokes as your Mum and is in a wheelchair too, has difficulty with speech and also getting the wheelchair around as her left arm was affected too.

I guess the best advice I can give - when you go back to the UK, go and visit as many nursing homes as you can. Maybe 6 or so if possible to get an idea of what they are like as there can be a big difference between them. If you can chat to any of the residents relatives, even better.

Also, see your Mum's family doctor because if she wants to keep her doc then you will have to find a place within their visiting area. Her doc should be able to recommend places too.

If the UK is anything like Oz the nursing homes must be accredited and you should find the reports for each online. Have a look at this CHECKLIST too.

By the way if you care, don't think that placing your Mum in a nursing home that they do everything. I am continually doing things, visiting many times a week, I take her personal items as the nursing home "things" don't suit her, doctors appointments, responsible for finances, clothing etc. I'm very happy doing these things but just saying!

If you can find out more about the UK nursing homes then maybe your decision either way may fall into place.

Regards YBB

[billzant]

Dear Simon,

Sorry to hear of your loss but as you say life must go on.

It is good that you accept the duty personally, far too many western people quickly consider the payment of fees to a care home their duty. It would clearly be better for her in your family environment. My concern in your situation would be whether she could cope with the climate change at her age. Has she travelled before? Lived out of the UK?

Does she have a friends' network in the UK?

Hope you are keeping well,

All the Best

Bill Z

[mrtoad]

Just when I thought this year was finally getting better

Simon,

I can't help with the Thailand decision but the past 6 months for me have been extremely difficult and could never have imagined how hard it was/is to put Mum into a nursing home. She had multiple strokes as your Mum and is in a wheelchair too, has difficulty with speech and also getting the wheelchair around as her left arm was affected too.

I guess the best advice I can give - when you go back to the UK, go and visit as many nursing homes as you can. Maybe 6 or so if possible to get an idea of what they are like as there can be a big difference between them. If you can chat to any of the residents relatives, even better.

Also, see your Mum's family doctor because if she wants to keep her doc then you will have to find a place within their visiting area. Her doc should be able to recommend places too.

If the UK is anything like Oz the nursing homes must be accredited and you should find the reports for each online. Have a look at this CHECKLIST too.

By the way if you care, don't think that placing your Mum in a nursing home that they do everything. I am continually doing things, visiting many times a week, I take her personal items as the nursing home "things" don't suit her, doctors appointments, responsible for finances, clothing etc. I'm very happy doing these things but just saying!

If you can find out more about the UK nursing homes then maybe your decision either way may fall into place.

Regards YBB

Simon,

I am truly sorry for your circumstances, and I think YBB has given you some good advice.

As I am an ex UK based Nurse, in respect of accrditation you should go to this site

http://www.csci.org.uk/

This is the regulatory body for all healthcare providers in the UK and you will actually have access to the reports that there inspectors have undertaken within the last 12 months. It is procedure for a home to have two inspections in the course of one year. One announced and one unannouncd. Having done, a fair amount of consultancy work for independent care providers I can certainly say that the regulations in place are very stringent now, and have led to a highering of the standards witin the independent sector. In fact, I would evn go as far to say that the regulations are tougher on independent providers than the NHS.

Please feel free to PM, if you want any further advice, and depending on the area that you are looking at in the UK, I may well be able to give you some recommendations.

Regards,

mrtoad

[retiredusn]

I think it is great that you care and love your mother as you do, but what of the stress on her in regard to the travel? And what type of visa ect. can be applied for? I wish you the best of luck on your decision and I really have deep respect for your wife...........

[jubby]

Bringing my parents or parent to Thailand when the time comes is something thats crossed my mind. I'm sure you could hire someone to provide round the clock care, and take more of an interest in the Care, which is something you couldn't do in a care home in the UK. I'm sure the quality of life if she doesn't need constant medical attention would be better here. As would be the Care.

jubby

[bkkmei]

Hi Simon

I'm very sorry to hear about your dad...

I'm in a similar situation as you - I've asked my dad (had a stroke a year ago, left side impacted) to come over to Bangkok, at least for a few months. We're just waiting on some other medical issues before it can be confirmed. But these are the things we had to think about:

- most importantly is medical care once he's over. At the moment, he receives a lot of help from the state e.g. hospital/doctor check-ups, a variety of medicines, home help, free hearing aids... some of these can be easily taken care of (such as home help). But you should make a list of all the things your mum benefits (medical and otherwise) from now and how it would be tackled in Thailand. Especially, if she should get sick again for whatever reason.......I know Thai hospitals work out cheap cp to private care in the UK, but if my dad had to stay long term at one here Bangkok, the costs could mount up.

- will the weather suit? Actually my dad complains of being constantly cold in the UK, so maybe ok.

- long trip over - and do you envisage she would make trips back to the UK? Would always have to be accompanied.

- my dad's recovered pretty well and can get out and about by himself. So I had to think about a certain difference in his independence here e.g. won't have his usual things around, getting used to how things work, not speaking Thai, change of routines...

- I'm sure your mum would love to be with you & your family. But what about your brothers? Or does she have a network of friends in the uk - would she miss them badly?

These are just some things to think about. To be balanced with of course the feeling of family that you'll both have from being together, and also (for me at least) peace of mind. I wish you all the best for the future - please give us an update. Also looking forward to hear of other people's experiences of bringing and elderly relative over to Thailand.

[jaideeguy]

Hi Simon.....

Just to let you know that there are others here in the same boat as you. last year, my 88 yr old father [who was living in a condo, alone] broke his hip and it seemed that his fate would be to recover in an institution. he had full medical insurance [sicko american hmo] and still would have to pay many tousands of $'s per month, not to mention the indignity of the system we have for passing the responsibility to the institutions to care for our parents.

So, here I am, retired in LOS with a wife and kids....my brother and sister both have jobs and no stable family situation and I seemed the logical choice to care for Pop. I went over to fetch him back on the long trip to LOS and he agreed to come with a return ticket just to check out the situation here. After a couple of months he agreed to stay and I got him a retirement visa...no problem as immigration officers respect the elderly and they gladly gave him a 1 yr visa.

I built him a small, handicaped friendly bungaloo for around 500kbhatt, with internet, sat tv and he has adapted well, eating thai food and we have comparable [to the us] medical access at 1/4th the price so he dropped his medical insurance and medicare and is [so far] ahead of the game.

His presence has had some impact on our regular family routine...keeping us on a shorter leash, but we have a maid to help and give us breaks. mostly it has been a positive experience for us all as it completes our family and fits in with Thai family values. Now that he is settled in, his expenses are less than 1/6th of what they would have been in the west, but he is 88 and will need some more professional help at some point. not wanting to rush him into a paid caregiver, I've done some research and found that i can get a live in caregiver for less than 15kbhatt/mo when it is needed.

so far--so good and hope that you have a good experience as well.

[puuchai299]

Sorry to read about your present situation Simon,you are obviously very strong and caring person,strokes are such tragic illnesses.I watched my dear grandmother deteriorate from a heavy stroke for one year,i had no option at the time but to keep her in a nursing home in England,if you have the power and strength to improve mums life and keep her within your family,then do all you can to succeed.Some people have posted some excellent advice and support here,that's so nice to see.The best of luck i wish you......