Thursday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville near old petrol

station that was closed for the night.

They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien became angry at the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them And blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed. About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He ###### near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his Crispy friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear. The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's Penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they Concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study. After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Australians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead. Baby Polar Bear

A baby polar bear goes up to his dad and asks, "Dad, am I pure polar bear?" The dad replies, "Sure you are son. I'm all polar bear , my parents are all polar bear , your mom is all polar bear , and her parents are all polar bear ." Still unsure the baby polar bear goes to his mom and asks, "Mom, am I pure polar bear ?" She answers, "Of course you are honey. I'm all polar bear , your father is all polar bear , my parents are all polar bear , and his parents are all polar bear ." Still not convinced the baby polar bear goes to his grandparents and asks, "Grandmom...Grandpop...am I all polar bear ?" His grandmother answers, "Of course you are sweetie. We're all polar bear , your mother is all polar bear , your father is all polar bear , and his parents are all polar bear . Why do you ask sweetie?" The baby polar bear s replies, "Because I'm f***ing freezing!"

An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the

doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young girl.

"Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your

clothes off."

"No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here."

"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."

I love Ind ian jokes, this is a new one to me.

There once was an Ind ian whose given name was "Onestone", so named

because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked

everyone not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again

I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one

day a young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,

Onestone..." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the

forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love

to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The

word got around that Onestone meant serious business.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a

woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for

many years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed

when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you,

Onestone..." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made

love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night

but, Yellow Bird wouldn't die!!!!

What is the moral of this story???

You can't kill two birds with one stone!

BANTA

Banta was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK,Banta how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Banta and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Banta! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!" Although impressed, Banta's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Banta that he thinks Banta's knowing Cruise was just lucky."No, no, just name anyone else," Banta says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Banta says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington ."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Banta on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Banta, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting,but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Banta, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Banta."My folks are from Poland , and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome . Banta and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when

Banta says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. "Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican . Sure enough, half an hour later Banta emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Banta returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Banta asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said,

"Who's that on the balcony with Banta?"

Top Ten Reasons to go to Work Naked

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1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources.

4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

5. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

6. You want to see if it's like the dream.

7. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to

your exaggerated resume.

8. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep

them.

9. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned.

10. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

11. No one steals your chair anymore.