Tuesday Jokes

[Jamesyboi]

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or A Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and...... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all

the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.

Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.

Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the

garage.

NOT TO MENTION...

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their

tongue.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead

of screwdrivers.

31 Aussies have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with

a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up

into the toilet.

A woman was called to the Funeral Home. The Director told the woman that as her husband had died with a erection, they were having a hard time getting the lid on the coffin. She thought for a moment, then said, "Tape it to his chest".

The director replied, 'we tried that and he sat up in the coffin.'

She thought again and said, "Tape it to his leg".

"We tried that and all that happened was his leg popped up"

She thought one more time, and said, "Cut it off and shove it up his ass"

The next day she went in to view the body. She leaned over the coffin and noticed that in the corner of one eye there was a tear.

She smirked, "See you son-of-a-bitch, I told you it would hurt"...

Mom calls the husband a 'bastard' and then the dad calls the wife a "bitch" and billy goes to his mom and says "mom what's a bitch and a bastard?" and the mom says "well, a bitch is a lady and a bastard is a gentlemen" and then later billy goes outside and listens to his neighbors, and hears "Put your penis in my vagina!"

So Billy goes to his mom and says "mom whats a penis and vagina?"

His moms says "Well Billy, a penis is a hat and a vagina is a coat"

and then later billy sees his dad shaving and cuts himself and says "shit"

and billy said "Dad, whats shit" And then his dad says "Well billy, shit is a type of Shaving cream "

and then billy goes to see his mom cutting the turkey and his mom cuts her finger and says "######!"and then billy says to his mom "Mom whats ######?" "Well billy ###### is a way of cutting the turkey"

and Then later the guests arrive and billy goes to them and says

"Hello bitches and bastards, may i take your penis's and vaginas,

my dad's upstairs wiping shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen ######ing the Turkey"

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and jewellery. Inside, he finds a

young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a

chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of

her, APPEARS TO kiss her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his

wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's

probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I

saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't

complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he

nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you."

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my

ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had

any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love

you, too..."