My Inlaws Are Driving Me Demented

[ozzydom]

I must be on another planet and not in an Isaan village ,I have not encountered the customs mentioned,here the mother is usually up and away back to work in Bangkok or back to the fields within a week of having a baby.

The baby is taken in to the household of older relatives to care for,this allows both parents to go back to work, regularly see babies being comforted by suckling on the dried up breast of a 50 or 60 year old relative.

T/W reckons her mum who is a bit of a local "witch-doctor" used to do hot beds for rich Thais a long time ago but she didnt know it still goes on,of course I live in real hillbilly country so maybe around here they are"different"... come to think of it they are.

[a2396]

Fortunately, I don't have to and don't expect to deal with this sort of situation. If I am paying the bills 100%, then I decide what happens in my house 100%, with due consultations of course. I really don't have much use for this mixed-up superstition & black magic combined with the so-called religion. You know the old story about the camel who got his nose in the tent. If you don't have the ground rules laid down to start out, it is hard to get more restrictive later-on. The bottom line is now,what kind of balance do you strike to maintain both your wife's happiness & your own.

[JimmyCA]

I normally get on well with my wife's family and because she is the youngest her parents are already taken care of by her older siblings. I have never needed to give them any money and even when we got married they didn't expect anything. We live in the same village and so see a lot of each other but that has never been an issue.

The problem is that since my baby was born a week ago we have spent every waking second together with at least one of my wife's family. My mother-in-law has now taking up residence in our house because my wife is sleeping on a bed with a fire underneath which her mum keeps alight; apparently it is believed to help the mother heal after childbirth and is very common in this area.

Everywhere I go her family seem to be there and they are driving me nuts. I feel guilty everytime they look at me using the computer because I am convinced they think I should be doing something more productive. To make matters worse one of my feet has swollen up (probably from a bite) and I can't put weight on it but they probably think I am just being lazy.

I know that they are helping my wife, although I am very dubious about the 'fire-bed' which they want her to stay on for three weeks! Two more weeks of her mother!

I just thought I would let off some steam her on TV and hopefully this will prevent me from sharing my feelings with her family.

Anyone else been through this?

Try an afternoon at the local soapie and see if they follow.

[a2396]

Nobody ever thought about the idea that these customs might actually work ?

In my wife's family it also a custom , they do not do it only just because it is a custom , maybe the Op should study

Thai wisdom and Thai medicine , it is so fascinating . The woman don't get fat because of the steaming....

maybe you should be happy instead .....

Hocus-pocus B.S. nonsense. I suppose you believe in ghosts too.

[ozzydom]

Asked the MIL about this odd "custom" this evening,she used to work for a rich Chinese family 60 years ago and she says that was one of her chores after a childbirth.

Other village folk at the gathering aged from teens to 60,s had never heard of such a thing,

They think it must be a Chinese thing.

[lannarebirth]

Asked the MIL about this odd "custom" this evening,she used to work for a rich Chinese family 60 years ago and she says that was one of her chores after a childbirth.

Other village folk at the gathering aged from teens to 60,s had never heard of such a thing,

They think it must be a Chinese thing.

Several books I've read about Thailand have made reference to this custom. It certainly was a widely accepted practice in Isaan in years past, I don't know how popular it is now.

Here's an old thread on the subject:

http://www.thaivisa.com/forum/lofiversion/...php/t63559.html

Edited August 14, 2007 by lannarebirth

[meemiathai]

Fortunately, I don't have to and don't expect to deal with this sort of situation. If I am paying the bills 100%, then I decide what happens in my house 100%, with due consultations of course. I really don't have much use for this mixed-up superstition & black magic combined with the so-called religion. You know the old story about the camel who got his nose in the tent. If you don't have the ground rules laid down to start out, it is hard to get more restrictive later-on. The bottom line is now,what kind of balance do you strike to maintain both your wife's happiness & your own.

Nobody ever thought about the idea that these customs might actually work ?

In my wife's family it also a custom , they do not do it only just because it is a custom , maybe the Op should study

Thai wisdom and Thai medicine , it is so fascinating . The woman don't get fat because of the steaming....

maybe you should be happy instead .....

Hocus-pocus B.S. nonsense. I suppose you believe in ghosts too.

I now understand why you had bad experience with thai girls. And why girls you met would clean your house out when you are not there.

[sibeymai]

Wife is having our first in November and you guessed it.....mother-in-law is moving in to the condo from Kalasin to join sister who is already living with us. After the birth it will be 4 women in the place.

Looking on the bright side....I probably won't be missed when I nip out for a beer or two.

[ozzydom]

Nobody ever thought about the idea that these customs might actually work ?

In my wife's family it also a custom , they do not do it only just because it is a custom , maybe the Op should study

Thai wisdom and Thai medicine , it is so fascinating . The woman don't get fat because of the steaming....

maybe you should be happy instead .....

What!!!! Thai women dont get fat,you need an optometrist not thai medicine, reminds me of the one told to me here,if a crocodile bites you then a scorpion stings you in the same month you just lay down to die,it is regarded as a sign that another life awaits you. Glad I,m an athiest.

[rainman]

Wife is having our first in November and you guessed it.....mother-in-law is moving in to the condo from Kalasin to join sister who is already living with us. After the birth it will be 4 women in the place.

Looking on the bright side....I probably won't be missed when I nip out for a beer or two.

Wife, wife's mom, wife's sister and your daughter. This isn't how a few years ago you imagined having 4 girls in your apartment, isn't it?

[WaiWai]

I don't have time to read all the replies, but are you getting at least *some* quiet & private time to bond with your new born kid ? That's essential.

Irritation about the take-over is one thing - but being deprived of very special time with your new child is quite another. Perhaps men here aren't expected to take much of an interest ? You need to let them know that is not the case with you & your wife may need to help explain this.

Let them see that men can hold a baby with tenderness, and change the nappy, too. It might even allow the older folk to think of their own kids in such a way.

All the best .

Edited August 14, 2007 by WaiWai

[gburns57au]

A common thing in the thread that was posted and not mentioned so much here, is that the new mother usually went away from the marital home for this custom.

While I dont know about the healing or slimming powers of this custom....it is fairly plain to see that one side of it was to keep the Hubby away from the Wife so her body could heal before sex was resumed...

to the OP.....it is her custom and her country...so just accept it...IF it becomes apparant that they are taking the piss then do something about it.

The kid breaking things....attention seeker.....The new baby is taking some of her spotlight....talk to her folks and tell them she cant come in the house.

[sibeymai]

Wife is having our first in November and you guessed it.....mother-in-law is moving in to the condo from Kalasin to join sister who is already living with us. After the birth it will be 4 women in the place.

Looking on the bright side....I probably won't be missed when I nip out for a beer or two.

Wife, wife's mom, wife's sister and your daughter. This isn't how a few years ago you imagined having 4 girls in your apartment, isn't it?

all that female underwear on the line is still going to look mighty impressive.

[t.s]

Fortunately, I don't have to and don't expect to deal with this sort of situation. If I am paying the bills 100%, then I decide what happens in my house 100%, with due consultations of course. I really don't have much use for this mixed-up superstition & black magic combined with the so-called religion. You know the old story about the camel who got his nose in the tent. If you don't have the ground rules laid down to start out, it is hard to get more restrictive later-on. The bottom line is now,what kind of balance do you strike to maintain both your wife's happiness & your own.

whoever you end up with will certainly be a lucky woman. i would love to be a fly on the wall for one of those due consultations. you certainly seem to approach them with an informed and open mind.

[mrbojangles]

On a seperate note, is it a custom to totally shave the head of the new born baby? Sure i heard that somewhere. Apparently it helps it to grow back thicker.

[uptou]

maybe you could go on an imaginary visa run.or go on the p!ss for a couple of weeks.

[a2396]

Fortunately, I don't have to and don't expect to deal with this sort of situation. If I am paying the bills 100%, then I decide what happens in my house 100%, with due consultations of course. I really don't have much use for this mixed-up superstition & black magic combined with the so-called religion. You know the old story about the camel who got his nose in the tent. If you don't have the ground rules laid down to start out, it is hard to get more restrictive later-on. The bottom line is now,what kind of balance do you strike to maintain both your wife's happiness & your own.

Nobody ever thought about the idea that these customs might actually work ?

In my wife's family it also a custom , they do not do it only just because it is a custom , maybe the Op should study

Thai wisdom and Thai medicine , it is so fascinating . The woman don't get fat because of the steaming....

maybe you should be happy instead .....

Hocus-pocus B.S. nonsense. I suppose you believe in ghosts too.

I now understand why you had bad experience with thai girls. And why girls you met would clean your house out when you are not there.

I treat them quite well and have been very generous to them. If anything, I have been to nice & considerate. The lady in question, who cleaned out my apartment, was the ripe old age of 21, with two infant children, the result of her affair with a Thai man, with whom she had a liaison since she was 18. Her story was that she legally married him, but it was invalid, because he was already legally married to another woman previously (and not divorced). I offered to let her stay in my apartment on a trial basis, to see if and how some sort of relationship would work out between us. I added several items of furnishing & cooking equipment and offered her 5,000 bht per month + perhaps an equal amount to her Mother. Her two children where being attended to by her Mother back in her home town, some 6 hours from where I live. She claimed she had some sort of internal complications from the birth of her last baby and could not have sex for 3 months. This also (apparently) prevented her from taking some sort of job where she should have to stand up long hours, such as sales clerk. After a bit of time with her, it came out that she used to be an ex-coyote dancer in BKK and was interested in restarting her career in my city. She had an audition a couple of times, but didn't get selected. She claimed she never communicated with her ex, but one of our mutual friends said she talked to him every day. She made several trips to BKK in the two months I knew her. Prior to one trip, she purchased two matching bra & bikini sets and a 4,000 bht designer skirt. (Must be she wanted to look good for a doctor visit or something.) The day of her last stay in my apartment, she returned from a visit to her Mother's and was very upset and in tears. She said her Mother was tired of taking care of her children and that my 5,000 bht was not nearly enough per month. She wanted to bring the two babies to stay in my one-room apartment. I told her this was impractical and impossible. She had no friends or family in my city to help her. It would be difficult for her to even venture out of the apartment, while trying to manage two infants. The next morning, while I was away, she managed to clean out the apartment, of all the furnishings that I had purchased. I later heard that she sold them. Strange that she was able to this so quickly. I would almost think she planned it. But, from such a sweet Thai lady? So, I guess I am just another heartless & cruel Farang S.O.B. who didn't take care of his poor deserving Thai lady in the manner which she should be accustomed. I am sure you could do a much better job with your thorough knowledge and understanding of Thai culture. I would be happy to provide you with her phone number.

[sibeymai]

On a seperate note, is it a custom to totally shave the head of the new born baby? Sure i heard that somewhere. Apparently it helps it to grow back thicker.

So that's why guys loosing their hair shave their heads.

Sorry...

[dave111223]

As others have mentioned i would be seriously careful about your foot.

I got a ton of bites on one of feet while visiting koh samet. It got really swollen then got blisters. This was when i made the biggest mistake of popping the blisters with a safety pin. To cut a long story short I spent the next 2 weeks visiting the hospital daily to have them cut the dangling skin off my foot.

Even video taped one of the hospital sessions; really nasty.

Keep off your feet at all costs, and do not wear shoes and socks.

[Maigo6]

was the ripe old age of 21, with two infant children, the result of her affair with a Thai man

And you still couldn't keep hold of her...................

[a2396]

was the ripe old age of 21, with two infant children, the result of her affair with a Thai man

And you still couldn't keep hold of her...................

Yeah, silly me. I let her slip out of my grasp. She was quite cute really & fairly well educated & charming and a good cook. Mabye 20,000 per month and a bungalow house with a live in maid would have clinched the deal. I'm such cheapskate.

[Jet Gorgon]

Aunt Jemima and enchiladas. Again, congrats on the birth of your son, Timmy, Garro!

Glad you got your foot tended to.

Oh, the dreaded home invasion by the family. Let them do their bits as suggested by experienced posters here. The niece must be dealt with; quarantine her to the kitchen and outside. Tell her mom to deal with her.

Focus on your wife and son, and "work" on you computer as much as poss to relax. Two more weeks right? Not a prob. Maybe you'll consider moving to another village soon. Dram up a work-related reason.

I like t.s.'s attitude. 555

[garro]

Well I was amazed this morning to find that my wife has been feeling much the same way as me. She hasn't been sleeping and has now refused to continue with the fire bed. Her mother is far from pleased with this and my wife has threatened to kick her out of our house if she continues moaning (luckily she hasn't actually told her mother this).

I hope my wife doesn't regret any of this later but of course I support her.

[t.s]

On a seperate note, is it a custom to totally shave the head of the new born baby? Sure i heard that somewhere. Apparently it helps it to grow back thicker.

it is custom.

we (I insisted) ignored that one and now i know of babies twice my daughters age that still look like they have under gone chemo in comparison. one child 2 months older has still got no hair and it was shaved 6 months ago.

this would be a good one to ignore, and usually the mother doesn't feel too strongly about it either way.

we got lucky though many babies tend to lose their hair around 6 mos, ours didnt, though mild thinning was apparent.

A couple of farang babies i know had a real soi dog thing going on and it proved better just to shave them and have it grow back evenly

[sutnyod]

The fire under the bed is part of a Thai belief that the mother should be kept warm for approximately a month after childbirth ('yuu fai' in Central Thai, 'yuu duean' in Northern Thai).

...yuu gum in Isaan (sorry, I HAD to bring that out) :-)

The belief is that women who do not undergo this period will go earlier into menopause and be more sickly in old age.

Apparently there is more to it, because when I had my child without fire under my behinds even strangers came to check whether I would survive. FYI: I did.

To OP: just stick it out. It will be over soon.

[Sanpatong]

LOL, good for you. My wife also argues A LOT with her mum. If at all possible I try to side with the mum in law, because I need her to help out so I can continue to have a life.

(I would not side with her about the fire bed thing, but there might be other things where she's doing a good job; make sure she feels apprecialted for the things she does do right.)

[markwhite]

I just thought I would let off some steam her on TV and hopefully this will prevent me from sharing my feelings with her family.

Anyone else been through this?

Well, it's happening to me to a much lesser extent now, though some circumstances are similar. So if I may use your thread to vent in a similar way...

My wife had a baby boy 10 days ago, everything was fine for the first 2 days in hospital and the next 2 days at home. Then my wife got real sick - bad stomach ache, bad smell from the nether regions, unable to walk without pain and almost complete bed rest. I tried to get her to the doctor - no way. She spoke to her sister who said this was perfectly normal and that was the advice she accepted. After two more days of this she agreed to call the doctor who said to hit to Amoxycillin for a few days and let him know if there was any problems.

Of course I accepted how ill she was, so I just got on with everything. Baby Sip is being very good and I was only having two wake-ups in the night, and my wife Som was expressing milk for some meals and trying to breastfeed once or twice, but the changing, bathing, washing, cleaning, cooking, yada yada yada was down to me. It was only to be a few days while she got better, so I just got on with it, as I'm learning you do with a new baby.

We knew Som's mum wanted to come, but not when. She's done this before - saying she will come but turning up unannounced. Previously she's bought a couple of nieces or nephews, but Som categorically said not to as we had enough to do right now, but we both welcomes the chance to learn what we could from her, and I accept that it's good for a new mum to have her mum around.

I'd not been looking after myself too good for a couple of days - I was getting it all done and was happy with that, but was not getting sleep and was getting irritable as a result. So I had an extra two hours yesterday after the 6am-ish feed and felt a bit better. Then mum turned up with two of the older nephews... She did a few things that are, in themselves, real minor. But at a time like this with a very ill wife, and almost sole responsibility for a baby, they just drove me mad. The first thing she did was to put a big pot of rice on the rice cooker. No asking, just did it. No reason, just because she thought it should be done. Stuff like that.

I was getting real angry with Som as I couldn't express myself to mum - my Thai is okay for short sentences, but not for conversations. I wanted Som to tell mum how inconvenient it was to have the kids, that we had a routine that was working for us and we needed her to be part of that, not to enforce what she wanted to do, that she could help, or she could try to control, how long will she be here...stuff like that. Nothing too unreasonable I think.

Soon afterwards I realised this was unfair. Som admits she does not feel able to talk like that with her mum because of the respect angle. Any form of criticism or request to do something different is disrespectful. Having gone through a similar stage with my own mum, I have to respect how Som feels. But it didn't stop me getting unecessarily angry at her for something someone else was doing. We had a long chat and we both talked about how we felt and after that we were fine with each other.

Mum is doing stuff like insisting on giving Sip water. I'm feeding him and she's saying 'Give him water, give him water' and I won't. He's hungry, he was born light, he's on breastmilk and formula, he's peeing plenty of times each day - he does not need water. He starts to cry and mum demands I give him to her. I do what I've been doing for the last 6 days and explain that thank you for offering but I need to do it myself to learn. He doesn't settle so I agree to offer him water and he refuses very obviously. I point this out to mum. I put Sip down to go to the toilet and when I come back she's got the water bottle in his face and he's still refusing it.

Later I'm outside hanging up washing and I hear a baby scream - not an awful one, but that 'I'm really not happy' noise. Me and Som get to the bathroom to find mum bathing Sip in cold water from the tap (we've been using lukewarm from boiling and tap mixed), with him wrapped in a clean nappy and not one of the lovely soft towels we have for him. I tell her to stop and explain we use warm water and not cold. This goes fine and after she baths him (though at a different time than I've been bathing him) and I learn one or two things from what she does. The kids eat all of the fruit bought for Som by her friends who visited the day before.

Som had agreed the day before to go to the doctor as she was still not right, though able to move around a little easier and sleeping for less time. He examined her and found he'd forgotten to remove the post-birth tampon and it had been inside her for 9 days. She felt an immediate relief though didn't enjoy the antibiotic injection afterwards, and I felt an incredible relief that my wife was going to be okay in a few days. The doctor was immensely apologetic and for now Som has decided that that is the end of the matter.

We got back home and Som told her mum she was a day or two from toxic shock and got no real response. The rest of the night passed without incident.

This morning mum's cooked the biggest pot of rice again, and didn't acknowledge me when I said good morning, but that's nothing really. As it got to dinnertime Som asked her what she wanted to eat for her and the boys. Three times she asked and three times got no answer at all. Not a single word. She can be a little like that sometimes. Other small stuff - spoon with rice on it is back in the spoon drawer, dirty. Empty food wrappers are not in the bin. The kids playing with the doorbell at 7am this morning. The TV has been moved into the spare bedroom for them...well, to keep them out of the way to be honest.

And that's mostly it for now. Nothing like you describe in your post, and nothing like the chap who's had MIL living with him for over 2 years. I like to view things as character building or opportunities for growth, but 2 years is just unimaginable for me, so fair respect to him.

I'm much calmer today after getting another good night sleep and doing what I want with Sip this morning - telling mum not to bath him as I want to do. The house just has a lot of people in it, two of whom follow me around and somewhat get in my way and eat everything but are otherwise pretty well behaved, and one who could do so much to help us if she asked us what we want her to do, but mostly does her own thing. Which sometimes just does not help.

So it's not so bad. At least I know my wife isn't going to die anymore, and my baby is healthy. That's all that really matters, but for a few hours yesterday it all got so easy to forget and let the emotions go out of control a little.

I hope things work out for you.

Mark...

[girlx]

hey congrats mark i met your wife and she is beautiful. i hope you get over this in-laws stuff and have a long and happy life together.

[dog412]

I normally get on well with my wife's family and because she is the youngest her parents are already taken care of by her older siblings. I have never needed to give them any money and even when we got married they didn't expect anything. We live in the same village and so see a lot of each other but that has never been an issue.

The problem is that since my baby was born a week ago we have spent every waking second together with at least one of my wife's family. My mother-in-law has now taking up residence in our house because my wife is sleeping on a bed with a fire underneath which her mum keeps alight; apparently it is believed to help the mother heal after childbirth and is very common in this area.

Everywhere I go her family seem to be there and they are driving me nuts. I feel guilty everytime they look at me using the computer because I am convinced they think I should be doing something more productive. To make matters worse one of my feet has swollen up (probably from a bite) and I can't put weight on it but they probably think I am just being lazy.

I know that they are helping my wife, although I am very dubious about the 'fire-bed' which they want her to stay on for three weeks! Two more weeks of her mother!

I just thought I would let off some steam her on TV and hopefully this will prevent me from sharing my feelings with her family.

Anyone else been through this?

you may be more lucky than you know. this "fire" thing is really old style, but from what i have observed it works, and for your benefit to boot. so glad to hear of this style again. birthing is the womens forte, so try not to sweat it. congratulations!

[tuky]

Thats the thing about marrying into thai society garro, you don't just marry the girl, you 'marry' the family as well!

Chin up, they'll be gone before long

You hope, I have ended up having to leave because they are all still there.

One time there were 18 family members living in my house. I told the missus if they all didn't leave and go home (none longer than 5 min motocy trip) I would be moving into a hotel.

They were all gone by the next morning.

Two mornings later they slowly started to trickle back.

Get them out before it is too late...I am now a single guy whilst my wife has her family in her house.

Such a shame, but as the wife said she can't tell them to leave, the mother in law rules that family and nobody will go against her. I needed the Police when I left...