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Hand To Mouth : Dispatches From Thailand


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I was standing on a boat in the Gulf of Thailand just after Christmas. The deck was crammed with dirty backpackers in smelly cotton fisherman pants. One large guy from San Francisco with scraped elbows, braided hair, and a leather utility belt was loudly explaining to a badly-tattooed girl that he had made a point of dumping his girlfriend before boarding the plane.

“Yeah, I told my girlfriend: ‘Honey, I’m sorry, but I’m going to Thailand.’”

Somewhere in San Francisco, there is a neatly appointed row house on some steep, picturesque street, inhabited by two affluent but guiltily liberal parents and their unshaven hippy-orc son, off to Southeast Asia for the holidays.

The American girl, in pink short-shorts and a tank top, her mascara running a bit, made a point of telling him that she too was single. She had broken up with her boyfriend en route, which, like, made things awkward, but also allowed her to have a bit of fun. The conversation was slowly – but clearly and ineluctably – moving the two party-kids toward some sort of squalid sexual encounter. I shudder to imagine the commotion of dirty fingernails and boozy breath that occurred later that evening – the coital equivalent of a rusty pickup truck up on cinder-blocks out behind the shed.

So how did I end up on the hippy-boat, inches away from Mister and Miss American Backpacker 2008? It was my own dam_n fault – we chose to take “tourist” transportation back, rather than a government bus. We chose to hear English, rather than Thai, and we paid for it.

Thailand is a wonderful country. The people are friendly, the hospitality is excellent, even in the shabbiest guesthouse, the food is delicious (and vegetarianism is considered eccentrically ascetic at best), and the government-run bus and rail networks are cheap, comprehensive and relatively efficient.

I was coming from a resort on Koh Samui, a particularly popular and touristy island. I stayed with friends in a bungalow meters from the ocean, and about two kilometres from Lamai, a vulgar little town full of obese, red-faced, head-shaved English football hooligan scum and their Thai bar-girl companions.

The travel agent at our resort had booked a ferry-and-bus ticket for us from Koh Samui to Bangkok. We ought to have taken public transportation. Instead, we were on a tourist boat loaded to at least twice its legal capacity. The boat was full of partygoers from the famous “Full Moon” party, which had taken place on Christmas Eve on another island in the Gulf of Thailand, Ko Pha Ngan.

They had fire poi, devil sticks, unusual cuts and bruises and splashes of Day-Glo on their faces and torsos. They formed a nice counterpoint to the paunchy sex tourists on Samui – another, equally vile group of Westerners using Thailand as a cheap playground. You can’t smoke hash, drink vodka from a bucket and then <deleted> in the ocean in California (or maybe you can, but not with as much impunity), so why not go to the seat of a complex, ancient and highly modest Asian culture and do it there? The thousands of miles between home and Thailand and the favourable exchange rate seem to give a lot of tourists the idea that they have a right to be exploitive, arrogant tools.

The Thais I met (English-speaking university students, for the most part) were self-effacing, polite and deferent to authority. They were enthusiastic monarchists, and obsessed with English football and personal hygiene. Thai pop culture is fascinating – Western, Japanese, Indian, Chinese, Lao, Cambodian, and Thai foods and comic books and gods and television serials all blend together into weird and syncretic culture.

But the language barrier is very steep: tonal languages are difficult to pick up quickly if you’ve never studied them. When the difference between a rising and falling tone means the difference between ordering chicken soup or flintlock-pistol soup, and the two tones are indistinguishable to your tin ear, it can be difficult to actually access, experience or appreciate the culture. Our phrasebook was useless. I didn’t learn a word of Thai beyond please-and-thank-you; I certainly didn’t have any really “authentic“ experiences; tourists who emphasize how un-tourist-like they are (“Oh, I’d never go there – there are too many tourists”) are very nearly as odious as the tour-bus-and-hotel-buffet set.

It’s embarrassing to be totally unable to communicate, and I suppose that makes it easier to go to Thailand to rent a girlfriend or just hang out with a lot of other sweaty backpackers. But I’d rather confuse and irritate the locals than ignore them entirely.

Padraic Scanlan’s column appears every Friday. The McGill Daily.

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"Who is the 'we' in the article? Did you have a frog in your pocket?"

Why is Lamai a "vulgar little town"? You describe a tiny cross section of people hanging out there as if that were the sum total of the tourists/residents there. Is Lamai vuglar in your mind because of them or for some other reason not explained?

The tone is condescending and puritanical; what was the writer wearing that made him so much better than the backpackers he describes? "Squalid sexual encounter"? What does that mean? Does the girl in "pink short-shorts and a tank top, her mascara running a bit" make her a foul mistress of the night, or some such thing?

Why are the "sex tourists" an "equally vile group of Westerners"?

Is the writer some Jesus freak or Mormon missionary, scandalized by the behavior of those more liberal in their thinking and actions than himself?

This might pass muster for a Canadian university broadsheet (the "daily" that comes out twice a week -- go figure), but it is better suited for a personal blog, buried under the millions of other, useless musings of amateurs.

So let's just sum up the sanctimoniousness here:

The deck was crammed with dirty backpackers in smelly cotton fisherman pants...

...a badly-tattooed girl...

...unshaven hippy-orc son...

...squalid sexual encounter...

...dirty fingernails and boozy breath...

...shabbiest guesthouse...

...a vulgar little town full of obese, red-faced, head-shaved English football hooligan scum...

...paunchy sex tourists...

...vile group of Westerners...

...exploitive, arrogant tools...

...tourists who emphasize how un-tourist-like they are ...are very nearly as odious as the tour-bus-and-hotel-buffet set...

Who is this guy?

Anyway, this pap line shows anyone with the most passing familiarity of Thailand that the writer knows next to nothing:

(Thailand is) "the seat of a complex, ancient and highly modest Asian culture."

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:o

Nice style... thanks for posting it.

Well written and a lot of truths ;

I like his description of the British Soccer Hooligan scum at Lamai.

But how many British football hooligans do you think there are?

Is every Brit under 40 on holiday in Thailand a football hooligan - I would say they are in the vast minority

Scots and Welsh would also have a point of complaint too.

It is mostly a thing of the past now in rality from the bad old days of the 70's and 80's.

Yes it is unfortunate some of it still exists and there is no denying that but the numbers are not that great.

It is a stereotype really whose day passed quite some time ago - real football hooligans do not get much time off now for holidays as the close season is not that long!

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perhaps these are the high quality, high spending tourists we keep hearing about.

perhaps these quality tourists could have produced their thai elite cards.

however i somehow doubt it, the irony is it would be funny if it werent so true.

spotted in bkk within the last 2 weeks, guy sat opposite the golden beer bar (nana hotel) outside i believe a jewellers store, no shoes, no shirt, wearing only a pair of football shorts, swiggiing away on a half bottle of sang som, no problem, he was sabai.

the next guy wasnt so sabai by the look of it, best described as a gentleman of the road, sat on his threadbare ass, next to a home made looking for work come cv sign, listing his experience and qualifications, he was complete with snotty nosed luk kreung kid in tow.

my hat goes off to the next guy, looking like a modern day bob marley, i couldnt believe it, some clown was roller blading up sukhumvit rd, oblivious to all and sundry around him, maybe he had been on the bob marleys himself.

one of the drawbacks of cheap travel, oh for the return of 38 baht to the pound, then this riff raff can head back to aya napa.

written in a nice style btw taxexile

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"spotted in bkk within the last 2 weeks, guy sat opposite the golden beer bar (nana hotel) outside i believe a jewellers store, no shoes, no shirt, wearing only a pair of football shorts, swiggiing away on a half bottle of sang som, no problem, he was sabai."

ROFL - I have seen him as well.

He seems quite lucid and happy go lucky as you say "Sabai". The girls around there told us he had arrived a few weeks before Christmas and had all his money stolen by a ladyboy.

Then as he could not pay the hotel the hotel kept all his belongings.

The story did not seem to ring true though.

Around abou New Year he bought or had bought for him some new clothes, t-shirt and trousers - the old trousers were ripped from ankle to arse.

Someone always buy's him plenty of saengsom each day - I saw a few foreigners buying it for him and even on election day when a lot of bar's were dry he sat there drinking with the plod going past.

He is from Cheetham Hill in Manachester apparently.

"the next guy wasnt so sabai by the look of it, best described as a gentleman of the road, sat on his threadbare ass, next to a home made looking for work come cv sign, listing his experience and qualifications, he was complete with snotty nosed luk kreung kid in tow."

I mentioned a gut in another thread with with the home made hand written CV attached to his carry on bag - he had no kid though and looked like he had been a little more respectable at one point - distinguished greay hair etc - saw him close to robinsons at Asoke MRT

Edited by Prakanong
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Why is Lamai a "vulgar little town"?

lamai is most certainly a vulgar little town , a scruffy strip of shabby bars and litter strewn fast food outlets , inhabited by the usual crew of thai loser beach boys , bewildered holidaymakers , squawking predatory bargirls , avaricious business owners and unshaven , baggy eyed , bull necked , beer bellied , big-mouthed hungover eurotrash.

it is the armpit of samui , lacking class , sophistication and aesthetic appeal.

how such a once peaceful and beautiful location has been allowed to slowly deteriorate into the squalid slum it now is is beyond comprehension.

there may be some deluded souls who consider it to be the height of sophistication , and a location to aspire to , but they are most likely to be real estate agents trying to flog the place or disappointed purchasers trying to justify their poor judgement

the fact is , its an unsightly dump with few redeeming features , and as is common with such places , it attracts the sort of people who feel at home in such surroundings.

samui has so much more to offer.

regarding the article i posted , it was written by a traveller who after travelling thousands of miles to a suposedly exotic and unfamiliar location , finds himself in the company of people who he is very familiar with , who have little or no interest in their destination apart from either sex tourism or imposing some of the less likeable aspects of western youth on the thai population , who it must be said , show little enthusiasm for complaint , apart from the policeman up in pai that is.

scandalized by the behavior of those more liberal in their thinking and actions than himself?

i dont think he was scandalized at all , i think he was disappointed. neither do i think he was illiberal.

too many of the tourists/travellers/backpackers encountered these days are very poor advertisments for the countries they represent.

Edited by taxexile
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Why is Lamai a "vulgar little town"?

lamai is most certainly a vulgar little town , a scruffy strip of shabby bars and litter strewn fast food outlets , inhabited by the usual crew of thai loser beach boys , bewildered holidaymakers , squawking predatory bargirls , avaricious business owners and unshaven , baggy eyed , bull necked , beer bellied , big-mouthed hungover eurotrash.

it is the armpit of samui , lacking class , sophistication and aesthetic appeal.

how such a once peaceful and beautiful location has been allowed to slowly deteriorate into the squalid slum it now is is beyond comprehension.

there may be some deluded souls who consider it to be the height of sophistication , and a location to aspire to , but they are most likely to be real estate agents trying to flog the place or disappointed purchasers trying to justify their poor judgement

the fact is , its an unsightly dump with few redeeming features , and as is common with such places , it attracts the sort of people who feel at home in such surroundings.

samui has so much more to offer.

regarding the article i posted , it was written by a traveller who after travelling thousands of miles to a suposedly exotic and unfamiliar location , finds himself in the company of people who he is very familiar with , who have little or no interest in their destination apart from either sex tourism or imposing some of the less likeable aspects of western youth on the thai population , who it must be said , show little enthusiasm for complaint , apart from the policeman up in pai that is.

scandalized by the behavior of those more liberal in their thinking and actions than himself?

i dont think he was scandalized at all , i think he was disappointed. neither do i think he was illiberal.

too many of the tourists/travellers/backpackers encountered these days are very poor advertisments for the countries they represent.

taxexile

i had to check which forum i was on, for a moment i thought you were describing pattaya, it seems to be the destination of choice for the young and not so young sophisticate.

and before all the pattaya lovers jump on board and have a pop, i have not set foot in pattaya in years and have no intention of ever setting foot in it again, the days of wee andys are long gone, maybe he was a visionary and got out before the masses arrived, the sanook factor is long gone.

thankfully there are still alternatives to be found, it means travelling a bit further though.

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What is nice in Lamai? The one way road system. The rest is crap.

:o

Claude, you are from Nathon, you are not aloud to call anything on this island crap. Talk about one way system!!!! Badest planned town in the whole world: Nathon!!! One way road with houses along both sides. Some of the sideroads i cant even come into with my car. Tesco-lotus the only parkinglot in central town with a capasaty of 25? cars. One car going out and another going into the parkinglot is not possible at the same time. Drive through town and soebody want to stop and buy a t-shirt and 55 cars have to be on hold behind him.

Im not a big fan of lamai but a guy from Nathon can not call Lamai crap. Sorry Claude. Thats the case.

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Woh, Hold On!

Compairing Natorn to Lamai :o , there is no compairson, yes in Natorn we have a traffic problem, but we also have also been thrust into the unenvieable position of the "gateway and exit" of Samui for both tourists, food, materials and petrol. Those of us that live here must put up with the commings and goings of the people who only use us as a door mat. Thankfully they all leave and go else where on Samui or on to Phangnan or Tao.

Here in Natorn we get a lot of tourists at the local shops, and I most are quality tourists. if you come to Natorn after 8 PM, the sidewalks are all rolled up, there are some kids hanging at the Seven Eleven, but for the most part it is peacefull and quiet and we like it that way, in the morning we hear the birds, smell the clean air and the kids can go out and play with no problems or worries, at nignt the jungle critters lul you to sleep.

Hopefully "Our Side Of The Island" will remain like this for a while longer.

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Woh, Hold On!

Compairing Natorn to Lamai :o , there is no compairson, yes in Natorn we have a traffic problem, but we also have also been thrust into the unenvieable position of the "gateway and exit" of Samui for both tourists, food, materials and petrol. Those of us that live here must put up with the commings and goings of the people who only use us as a door mat. Thankfully they all leave and go else where on Samui or on to Phangnan or Tao.

Here in Natorn we get a lot of tourists at the local shops, and I most are quality tourists. if you come to Natorn after 8 PM, the sidewalks are all rolled up, there are some kids hanging at the Seven Eleven, but for the most part it is peacefull and quiet and we like it that way, in the morning we hear the birds, smell the clean air and the kids can go out and play with no problems or worries, at nignt the jungle critters lul you to sleep.

Hopefully "Our Side Of The Island" will remain like this for a while longer.

Hear,Hear.Particularly the last sentence.

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And! who is and what is "Padraic Scanlan’s column appears every Friday. The McGill Daily". Obviously she/he has been here and done that?

If you have some time....:

http://www.google.nl/search?hl=en&lr=l...Padraic+Scanlan

About The McGill Daily

Become a critical voice on campus...(in Montreal)

The McGill Daily, in production for over 90 years, is the only independent student newspaper on campus at McGill University and is entirely run by volunteers. Currently, we publish twice weekly, on Mondays and Thursdays.

The students will 'eat' stories like this and in the end more and more of said backpackers will come to Thailand.....and one day......one day, they will find out where Hua Hin is..... :o

Better stock up Tax :D

LaoPo

Edited by LaoPo
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lao po

they will find out where Hua Hin is

unfortunately , i suppose it is inevitable that "annoying" sorts will descend on hua hin although in my book anyone who comes within 100 metres of my personal comfort zone is classed as annoying !

these days hua hin seems to be the default destination of a class of visitor just as annoying as the fisherman panted braided haired sweat stained nose ringed know it all western backpacker , and that is the in your face thai rich kid , some weekends the town is wall to wall with them. they do also bring the most beautiful women along with them though.

cha am , just up the road from here , is much more down to earth and relaxing. unfortunately it closes down at 6pm.

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What is nice in Lamai? The one way road system. The rest is crap.

:o

Claude, you are from Nathon, you are not aloud to call anything on this island crap. Talk about one way system!!!! Badest planned town in the whole world: Nathon!!! One way road with houses along both sides. Some of the sideroads i cant even come into with my car. Tesco-lotus the only parkinglot in central town with a capasaty of 25? cars. One car going out and another going into the parkinglot is not possible at the same time. Drive through town and soebody want to stop and buy a t-shirt and 55 cars have to be on hold behind him.

Im not a big fan of lamai but a guy from Nathon can not call Lamai crap. Sorry Claude. Thats the case.

Matthias, Lamai looks crap, not the people. Nathon is going to die if we cannot approve the situation, means buiolt a bypass. Plannings are ready, Tessaban is blocking every good idea. Samui has no urban planning at all - blame the Tessaban. They allowed a Tesco in Nathon after the junction - what an idea! But there is a lot of parking at the pier, not a problem.

Lamai looks definetly not very invitating

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What is nice in Lamai? The one way road system. The rest is crap.

:o

Claude, you are from Nathon, you are not aloud to call anything on this island crap. Talk about one way system!!!! Badest planned town in the whole world: Nathon!!! One way road with houses along both sides. Some of the sideroads i cant even come into with my car. Tesco-lotus the only parkinglot in central town with a capasaty of 25? cars. One car going out and another going into the parkinglot is not possible at the same time. Drive through town and soebody want to stop and buy a t-shirt and 55 cars have to be on hold behind him.

Im not a big fan of lamai but a guy from Nathon can not call Lamai crap. Sorry Claude. Thats the case.

Matthias, Lamai looks crap, not the people. Nathon is going to die if we cannot approve the situation, means buiolt a bypass. Plannings are ready, Tessaban is blocking every good idea. Samui has no urban planning at all - blame the Tessaban. They allowed a Tesco in Nathon after the junction - what an idea! But there is a lot of parking at the pier, not a problem.

Lamai looks definetly not very invitating

Well, agree on most of your post except i still find it a bit hard to say Lamai looks crap and Nathon dont, but i guess its a matter of taste. If everybody had my taste i guess Ban rak would now be the toilett chaweng is, overcrowded and overpriced. Sure i understand that the Nathon expats like something else than the rest of us and probably think the things i hate about the place are a part of the charm. Just had to comment on the "lamai=crap" thing. No hard feelings i hope.

To get back to op i have to say i always thought football hooligans where people that traveled around with their favorite team and watch their games and then made a mess off the town. Englich football teams have not been playing in samui so for me it makes zero sence that samui should be filled with "Englich football-hooligans". To me that sounds like a patetic generalisation of Englich tourists.

But then again Englich is not my first language....

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I love it when people slate Nathon because it means there is even less chance of it turning into somewhere like Lamai anytime soon. If the way the traffic flows is your only barometer for measuring the decentness of your environment then go and live in Swindon (most roundabouts in the world). If however you are more interested in living somewhere that is genuine and friendly, with a real community, great food, the best sunsets I have ever seen and some really nice and cheap housing (bungalow on the beach - 4k a month. No I'm not telling you where!) then come and live in Nathon. Would personally not live anywhere else on the island (oh ok, well if forced and sea view luxury villa would be nice....anywhere....*sigh*)

Nathon rocks - yeah!

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Why is Lamai a "vulgar little town"?

lamai is most certainly a vulgar little town , a scruffy strip of shabby bars and litter strewn fast food outlets , inhabited by the usual crew of thai loser beach boys , bewildered holidaymakers , squawking predatory bargirls , avaricious business owners and unshaven , baggy eyed , bull necked , beer bellied , big-mouthed hungover eurotrash.

it is the armpit of samui , lacking class , sophistication and aesthetic appeal.

how such a once peaceful and beautiful location has been allowed to slowly deteriorate into the squalid slum it now is is beyond comprehension.

Don't hold back. Tell us how you really feel. :o

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I love it when people slate Nathon because it means there is even less chance of it turning into somewhere like Lamai anytime soon. If the way the traffic flows is your only barometer for measuring the decentness of your environment then go and live in Swindon (most roundabouts in the world). If however you are more interested in living somewhere that is genuine and friendly, with a real community, great food, the best sunsets I have ever seen and some really nice and cheap housing (bungalow on the beach - 4k a month. No I'm not telling you where!) then come and live in Nathon. Would personally not live anywhere else on the island (oh ok, well if forced and sea view luxury villa would be nice....anywhere....*sigh*)

Nathon rocks - yeah!

I think you dont have to tell us where. Beach in Nathon????

Come on please, tell us, im burning to know. Its a wallpaper of chaweng beach in your bedroom right?

And some further coment i have to give:

"the best sunsets i have ever seen"

Ok, you have not been around that much. Still i give it nathon have occassionaly nice romantic sunsets. Dont try to enjoy the to close to water though, this time a year thats a security risk.

"Great food"

Well, you are probably a very good cook yourself. Of the few restaurants in Nathon i find one eatable, and only one dich at that place. Im sure theres more but come on, Nathon is not realy the place you recomend for restaurants or nightlife is it? I always thought nathonlovers loved something i dont see with the place but when you say "great food" i start to wonder?? You have 5 restaurants where of four dont serve 5 % of their meny!!! Get real, please.

"some realy cheap housing"

For the first time total agreement from me.

You ever thought of why that is??? :o

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So did Padraic not enjoy his holiday ? And why choose Thailand in the first place ?

Sounds like it was his mission to Pan Thailand right from the start.

Never mind there's always Banff next year.

Naka.

I still think Borat's trip to the USA was far more balanced than this article written by someone from some third rate american university :o

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So did Padraic not enjoy his holiday ? And why choose Thailand in the first place ?

Sounds like it was his mission to Pan Thailand right from the start.

Never mind there's always Banff next year.

Naka.

I still think Borat's trip to the USA was far more balanced than this article written by someone from some third rate american university :o

i reckon its only a third rate american university because of its inconvenient location - in Canada

Edited by t.s
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Taxexile, if he is the author of the article or just his apologist, might enlighten us all to what beach resort town meets with his ever-so-high standards.

Perhaps a quiet retreat on Christmas Island is in order?

I don't think that anyone is saying that Lamai is a pearl of the world's beaches (inhabited beaches, that is). It has its seedy side, sure, but has the author been to rural Thailand (which is most of the country)? What standards are being applied here? Samui is not Sardinia.

The fact is that more and more tourists here are families and couples -- not the Euro-trash that he seems to think has overrun the place.

The fact remains that it is clear that the author is being sanctimonious and although I don't know for sure, he must be a youngster since the article appears in a student paper. I have lived in Asia for 23 years, which maybe longer than the author has been on this planet; I am not sure he has the experience to pontificate.

But this whole thing smacks of "flame" to me.

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Taxexile, if he is the author of the article or just his apologist, might enlighten us all to what beach resort town meets with his ever-so-high standards.

Perhaps a quiet retreat on Christmas Island is in order?

I don't think that anyone is saying that Lamai is a pearl of the world's beaches (inhabited beaches, that is). It has its seedy side, sure, but has the author been to rural Thailand (which is most of the country)? What standards are being applied here? Samui is not Sardinia.

The fact is that more and more tourists here are families and couples -- not the Euro-trash that he seems to think has overrun the place.

The fact remains that it is clear that the author is being sanctimonious and although I don't know for sure, he must be a youngster since the article appears in a student paper. I have lived in Asia for 23 years, which maybe longer than the author has been on this planet; I am not sure he has the experience to pontificate.

But this whole thing smacks of "flame" to me.

Generally I avoid Lamai like the plague, one day it will become like Pattaya.If you want 'facts' take a stroll down to the pier at Bang Rak and have a look for yourself (particulary before/after a full moon party) and look at the human debris passing as back packers getting on or off the ferries.

Mark, you also mention 'standards'. They simply seem to have no acceptable standards whatsover, OK.80% of them if we are being picky. If, as it seems these low lifes are mostly dossing down in Lamai then there is no hope for the place. IMHO I thought the post from Tax exile was accurate, humorous but worrying. Some places in Maenam are already being infected by the rot of these shameful Farang.

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