Southern Wedding

[Manyquestions]

Hello,

I am new on this forum, but will right away launch a personal question, i hope to receive serieus awnsers.

Situation: In 2001 i worked together with an exchange student from Chumpon province thailand, we became good friends, after long contact even when she returned to thailand i decided to visit her and her family.

So in 2004 i went to thailand, Chumpon, and met her sister,... 2 years older then me, bachelor in marketing, and section manager in a low class hotel, we got along very well, but at the time she had someone, i stayed a few months in thailand and we got to know each other even more, eventually she broke up with her thai guy, and in 2005 we decided to give it a try to live together in my country.

So we did, now we are living together for 3 years NOT married yet.

Now did we have a turbulant 3 years, i lost a job and gotten a new one with is far below my capability, she couldn't find work and so we had some financial problems, i got sick with an serious infection in my stomach wich i am still recovering from... she stayed,... now she works and i work,... only we do work low jobs now so we have not alot of money. We do have plans to study more,... but no money yet.

Now in 2008 we want to go back to thailand for holidays, her parents, Father; a University headmaster and PHD, and Mother; a headmaster of a primaryschool, are really insisting we get married because they loose face the last 3 years having to lie to the rest of the family (Chumpon & Ranong) where the daugther is and whom she might be with.....

The thing is,... Mom asked for a (for us) gigantic amount of Sin sot,.. namely 750000 Baht (750k) excluding wedding etc,..... I was shocked, scared and angry since i did not understand why,... big cultural difference here,...

Now my friend (her sister) has talked with mom and they agreed on the following,... Sister and Brother and Father will come up with alot of the sinsot to show, and we do the rest,.. and are to know that the sinsot will be returned after the wedding since we have to loan for this.

Now the wedding according to my girl would cost about 200K baht for aprox 300 guests,...

Everytime i ask about lowering the sinsot my girl freaks out, shouts,.. saying she not want to married if like that,.. then i ask why can we not mix traditions, why should i go 100% thai style why can we not go half way,.. and again she freaks out saying that mom and dad would understand but the rest of the family cannot accept this,.. so they loose face,... and also because i am farang they charge more,..... for protect loose face.

One thing i should know,... if it was all for the money,.. she would have been gone already, since enough oportunity presented itself.

For the record i am 26 and she is 28,.....

My questions are,...... Mainly what to do?

1: Can anyone explain me about southern traditions, are they stronger?

2: Is sin sot related to position of mom and dad?

3: Should i be considered lucky or unlucky with all this?

4: I don't want to end up with a dept, should i let the sinsot be garded?

5: Any advice is welcome.

I am just looking for knowledge about these ways because even i have an iq of 147, it makes no sense to me,.. and really my people skills are not evolved like the rest and i don't want to get on the wrong foot with nice people,........

The most i find on the net are story's about bangkok people, isaan people or bar people,.... neither relate to us,.... there is only one thing i know for sure,.. and that is there is much more spice in the southern thai people so i have to be more carefull what i say (thats a litlle joke).

Anyways, again if any of you can advice me on this and help me ease my worrying,... i would be thankfull.

[Tatler]

An I.Q of 147 very good mate, i have an I.Q of 14 and i understand it !! Haggle on the price, i'm sure you can get it down to 300,000 baht. Also if you get her pregnant her parents will pay you to marry her !! I'm a cheap Scot and this worked with my wife and her family...

[snowflake]

There are several things that come into question when we talk money and marrige...

what is her education like?

Is she a virgin?

How old is she?

What has she done before in her life?

Did she live with her Thai Boyfriend?

Answer these questions and think about this, she is damaged goods if she lived with her TBF, she is damaged goods if she is not a virgin (before she met you).

Was she working in a bar before she met you?

Can she cook and take care of you?

Now the sum will go up or down depending on these answers, along with IS THE FAMILY RICH???

If she has a M6 education or a PHD you have to pay also... MUM AND DAD invested in her so they want their money back...

Sorry but good luck...

P.S I am not married so I could be talking trash but I know that people will tell you that this is true...

Tell more about her...

[Chris78]

2 years older then me, bachelor in marketing, and section manager in a low class hotel

eventually she broke up with her thai guy

She has a good education so the price will be higher. However, she used to be with a thai guy (living together?) and at 28, she's no spring chicken. I'm under the impression that in Thailand, once you hit 30, it's much harder to find someone to marry.

In my opinion, 750 000 baht sounds way too high for someone of that age, who's already been with someone and for whom it would be very difficult to find a partner for should things between you not work out.

I'm guessing that the parents need to show a big sinsod to make up for the fact that their daughter has been living with a farang unmarried for such a long time. They need to regain the face they've lost during this time. They need to show their community that their daughter hasn't wasted her time and lost her chance at finding a good husband. I'm assuming the dowry is a way of publicly displaying this.

Try and show as much as possible at the wedding to help her family (do the family need the money or do they just need to show it?) without spending what you can't afford and thereby starting the marriage on a shaky footing.

[Daren]

"Sister and Brother and Father will come up with alot of the sinsot to show, and we do the rest,.. and are to know that the sinsot will be returned after the wedding since we have to loan for this."

Exactly how much of the amount is being covered by sis, bro and even daddio? How much are you going to have to pay? And isn't it going to be returned after the wedding any way?? As for the 200K price tag for 300 people, I think that's fairly reasonable. It'll no doubt be a rather lavish wedding with all the whistles and bells.

As for calculating sin sot, I think the others have done a good job covering the variables with only one exception: beauty. How beautiful is this girl by Thai standards? White skin? Tall? Fit? Chinky-looking?

Edit: I sure hope this isn't a windup... because it sure looks like one!

Edited January 25, 2008 by Daren

[Manyquestions]

"Sister and Brother and Father will come up with alot of the sinsot to show, and we do the rest,.. and are to know that the sinsot will be returned after the wedding since we have to loan for this."

Exactly how much of the amount is being covered by sis, bro and even daddio? How much are you going to have to pay? And isn't it going to be returned after the wedding any way?? As for the 200K price tag for 300 people, I think that's fairly reasonable. It'll no doubt be a rather lavish wedding with all the whistles and bells.

As for calculating sin sot, I think the others have done a good job covering the variables with only one exception: beauty. How beautiful is this girl by Thai standards? White skin? Tall? Fit? Chinky-looking?

Edit: I sure hope this isn't a windup... because it sure looks like one!

Hi thank you all for the swift responses,

Ok, i do not really know what a wind-up is,.. but i think you mean a "prank" right?

By thai standards she is good looking, she won several beauty contests. ( i did some modelling myself as well in 5 years ago,...and cancelled a invitation for a magazine 2 month ago because i am really out of shape since last years sickness (still recovering) )

She's almost 1.60m skin colour is typical for southern thai people,.. not fat, very fit, never married, never lived together besides me, not a virgin neither was i,.. but hey 2004/2005 up to now,.. at least she is honest in telling me she made love to her ex and i can't blame her for that...

The remainder of the sinsot will be between 200K and 300K baht.

Her father and mother both have status jobs. (see my first post)

They wanted the ceremonia to be in the south,.. i insisted on BKK since my mom is not to healthy and can't survive outside the airco i think, after some twisting and turning this is ok,.. but the come up of guests will be lower then.

Why do you think it might be a "wind-up".... could you state facts for me,.. keep in consideration the factor of thai emotions,... ( i am not an emotion person and neither a emotion understander)

Ofcourse i do see some things that i would recognise ass odd,.. but then again cultural behaviour and believes are different from my own, so my judgement could be based on my culture and behaviour,.. that's why i posted on this site, different people with different views and perhaps a lot more experience of culture or being thai themselves or with thai,....

Please keep in consideration that her parents are headteachers,.. PHD's and she herself is a bachelor holder herself, sister is a PHD, and brother a bachelor as well,.. Nobody in the familly has worked in the bars and they disaprove of bars and farang that come to the bars (they silence the subject to death and avoid tourist places like that, and tell me it is people's free choise to do so but it makes thailand look bad),.. only thing is that father is a former pro thai boxing person who paid his univesity by boxing when he was young,....

All family is from southern thailand.

Father earns about 80K baht a month,.. mum earns about 40K baht a month, they have 3 houses a condo and a some big fields of fruitytrees and palmtrees, with employees,...

Sister is marketing manager, husband of sister has own company,.. Brother and wife are marketing managers as well and doing very well,....

they do have some depts,.. but who doesn't,....

It really helps for me to state facts and traditions rather then speculation,..

So the 200K for weddings are reasonable,..

Sin-sot is rather high or not,... ????

My girl was really happy this morning,... doing all the housework before going to work,.. normally we share these tasks since i cannot expect her to do all if she works as well,.. hey this is 2008 now and not 1950,.. but this is a first she does it like that,... maybe she found some piece of mind that we could "settle down" and not have to lie all the time to family,.. being more sure now as well that i wont run off with another,.. ( i know,.. still can happen, but for some, tradition means a world)

Ok,.. hoping for more responses and if anyone need more insight to get a conlusion please ask me,... ( and yes ofcourse i like to see the good thing only,.. but since i am a man of science,... all possibillities are open and should be considered, but what i need are facts or pointers)

Again thank you all for your time and thoughts, and send me all info you might have.

[VTR1000]

Bit of a sore spot at the minute but at Thai weddings, the guests will be given invitation cards in envelopes. When they attend your wedding, they will return the envelope which will include a cash gift. If you are going to have around 300 guests, then expect a fair bit of wedge (money) to come in too.

As for the sinsot, it is an Asian tradition, not only in Thailand, and it varies widely depending on whichever country you happen to be in. Some countries, the groom's family gets paid. Your girl apparently comes from a professional family so they will 'ask for' a fairly high sinsot, seems fair to me. Now then, this is where difficulties arise - some families ask for a sinsot and it's theirs to keep. Others will return varying percentages, right up to 100% depending on their circumstances. What's your position here, how much will be returned to you?

At the end of the day, do you think that now is a good time to get married? If not, is there any way that the ceremony can be put back x amount ot time until you're more financially stable?

Either way, good luck.