Westerner Interested In Thai Foreign Exchange Student

[buzzin]

Hello,

I know this is the ladies forum, but I am a western male and have questions about Thai women.

I recently met a thai foreign exchange student at the local university and although I have never dated outside my race, I find myself completely awestruck at her beauty and mystery.

I started talking to her online after approaching her (she wouldn't give her number, just screenname). After a few days she was comfortable and we talked on the phone, went to the movies, hung out at the mall, etc.

The first thing I noticed is while walking and talking I thought I was walking too fast b/c she was a step behind me all the time. So I slowed down and then she slowed down. Pretty soon we were stopped in the middle of the aisle! Later I looked online and I read that proper thai girls always walk a step behind the man? No big deal, but it sure was funny.

One time after hanging out I was feeling quite affectionate and hugged her to say goodbye. She kind of pulled away and giggled and next day she tells me not to hug her in front of her friends or in public and that I should ask permission. So I looked online and I read that PDA (public display of affection) is not OK in Thailand.

So I feel like I am fumbling around here due to cultural differences. I really like her. She is funny, smart, pretty, etc. But she is very different from the western girls I have dated... maybe more reserved, cautious, proper? I don't know, I just feel stupid for offending her and I want to make sure I know about any other differences so I don't offend her again.

She wanted to know how long I have been single and I said 9 months, and she says "less than a year?" like that is bad. I know people are worried about rebound relationships, but to me anything 6 months or more is pretty far removed from the old relationship. I am worried she might not think so.

PS - The western girls I dated would all make out and kiss after a few dates, getting to know me, etc. It seems like the Thai girl is exactly the opposite and kissing would be reserved for several months into getting to know someone, which is fine by me b/c honestly I would wait a year to kiss her if I had to!

PSS - The other thing that worries me is her student visa, OPT visa, whatever. It is a possibility she has to go home if she doesn't get sponsored, whatever that means. I would be really upset!!

Edited June 10, 2008 by buzzin

[sbk]

Well, it depends on the girl and where in the country she is from. I suspect girls from Bangkok are far less reserved than girls from the rest of the country. But yes, my experience with "good" Thai girls from where I live is that they do not show public displays of affection, and that multiple partners (at least in the case of the girl, guys get a lot of free passes in this country) is frowned upon. As is smoking and drinking. Of course, there are girls who do these things, I am just saying that my experience of girls who are considered "good girls" where I live is this.

I would suggest you take things very slow, and let her deal with her visa issues, she got herself there so presumably she is pretty adept at dealing with this. As for the sponsorship, as far as I know, the sponsorship is provided by the school so she must remain a student to keep her visa.

Get a few books on Thai culture so that you can understand where she is coming from, culture shock thailand would be a good start I guess.

[britmaveric]

Every Thai woman is different, depends on how they were raised, however times are changing and most are finding their own way in the world.

PDA - yes some do, some dont. (worry about what other thai people think)

Step behind - never seen that one. (Ms. Brit always complain I walk too fast - slllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwww down)

Rebound - doesnt matter much from my knowledge

[jfchandler]

I agree with Britmaverick...there is no single answer for young Thai women...especially those who are able to land themselves in a U.S. university setting...which usually means her family has some kind of financial resources...since she couldn't be there...otherwise....

Ask about her parents...what they do..where they live... their jobs... That will give you some kind of clue about her family background and customs....

In my former life, I worked at a large U.S. university that had many Thai students...and I came to know many.... And while their attitudes certainly covered a wide spectrum... the behaviors you describe are pretty far at one end of the spectrum even for Thais.... Thai women talk about being first generation... meaning traditional...or 1.5 generation... meaning part traditional and part modern style for their lives....

Part of that may just be her polite way of not wanting to go too far, too fast with someone she's just met/known... especially far away from her home and roots. She may not have had a farang BF before...which also could contribute to some wariness about your interaction....

If she's there on a student visa, that usually can be continued for some years, depending on if her family or other backer can continue paying for her school and expenses, and she makes reasonable academic progress... After completing her studies, she would be entitled usually to an additional one year of OPT.... practical training time, in some kind of university-sponsored work environment...

After that... basically, it's back to Thailand...unless she marries an American to gain legal status or goes on the lam....

[jfchandler]

I should add... re your comment about "sponsored..." In Thailand, that term has a whole different connotation relating to farang men paying money to women who work in bars....

But in the U.S. setting... "sponsored" would mean her finding a U.S.-based employer who would be willing to sponsor her for a U.S. business employee visa, I believe they're known as H visas... That's a fairly involved process, and one that, at least in the Los Angeles area's large Thai community, would happen fairly rarely... unless she had some very special family connections/influence or a particularly unique employment skill...

[autonomous_unit]

My wife was a grad student in the US when we met. We had a frank discussion very early on about the fact that she'd probably have to go back to Thailand once she graduated, because she was there on a scholarship and had to go back to work for the sponsoring organization. I honestly didn't know what to make of it, and we decided to just see what happened as we got to know each other better... Here I am, starting on my fifth year living in Bangkok now.

[buzzin]

All good comments. I don't plan on interferring with any visa problems she has, she can figure that out I'm sure. And who knows, it may not even go anywhere (the relationship), but I guess that is up to her!!

[jfchandler]

A..U... adds a different aspect about "sponsoring" which also has another meaning/use...

One Thai grad student I knew in the U.S. was going to teach here at a Bangkok university. So they financially and visa supported him to go to the U.S. to get his master's degree. But once he finished in the U.S., he had a contractual commitment to come back to Thailand and continue working as a teacher for his sponsoring university for something like 8 years.

In one way, that's kind of good, because he won't have to worry about job security. But in another way, 8 years is a LONG time to be indentured to someplace... PS... he is getting a regular salary for his teaching (not working for free, of course). But he's not free to leave that job until his time commitment is satisfied.

I believe, some Thai companies and government organizations do the same kind of arrangement with their staff... tho not sure how widespread that is. Most of the Thai students I knew in the U.S. were there on their own, based on money from their families.

[autonomous_unit]

Hmm... Most of the Thai students I knew in the US (through my wife) were on these sponsored scholarships... I got the impression there were a handful of such students at each of the top-tier and many second-tier universities. I only met a few parent-supported students who moved at the periphery of these groups. I guess the scholarship students are a pretty tight-knit group, as they seemed to be sent over in waves organized by a Thai government agency which consolidated all the activity from multiple sponsoring organizations.

If you think eight years is a long work obligation, you should see how long it is when they sponsor both undergraduate and graduate studies back-to-back! The general formula in the past was two years of work for each year of sponsored study.

[southerndog]

Bro, find out if she has a contract!

[buzzin]

She does not have a contract with a Thai organization right now. She knows people who do, and they are all very depressed that they have given away the next 10 years of their life to work at some place they might not even like. However she says if she does not find a real job in the US with a company that will "sponsor" her, then she may have to go back to Thailand.

[jfchandler]

OK...so she's hoping for a U.S. company to sponsor her for an H visa... pretty hard to find, unless she's got some really special or unique work skill...

What area are you/she living???

[Tinkelbell]

I agree with 'jfchandler'. You have to have a special unique work experience to qualify a sponsorship from the employer or company.

At Tampa, Florida where I live. Sushi chefs are in high demand. In a hign-end eaing establishment, most their sushi chefs hailed directly from Japan. I also saw few Japanese students working as a helper in a sushi bar too.

[buzzin]

well she doesn't have sushi skills that i am aware of, but she does work in a thai restaurant until she finds a "real" job. she has a masters degree from the local university but probably no real world job skills or experience yet. does it help that she is smokin' hot??

i don't get the US govt sometimes... we have 20 million illegal uneducated mexicans in the country, but they're going to deport a sexy university graduate from thailand. i mean, why in the hel_l would we want educated young people in our country? it makes far more sense to have uneducated manual laborers! yay uncle sam!

[jfchandler]

does it help that she is smokin' hot??

Great for you... But Uncle Sam don't care....

In fact, that probably makes her chances worse....

But...don't forget...sounds like she's got some time to go still on her student visa/OPT time... Hope you make good use of it... And...down the road, there are a lot worse places for a farang to live than Thailand...especially if you've got a fine lady in hand....

[geriatrickid]

It would be helpful if you provided some more specifics (if I missed them, I apologize);

- age of female

- your age

- your socioeconomic status

- faculty

- type of student (undergrad/grad/post grad/doctoral/post doctoral)

The above has a significant impact on the situation.

[Ananke]

Had to laugh about that one step behind thing! Drove my first UK uni boyfriend nuts. It's true. We do. Well, some of us. There's no inferiority thing, really. It's actually easier to keep in step with someone that way, especially if you are not holding their hand. A bit like driving on the motor way at night - far easier when you have some tail lights in front of you. Takes less concentration - you can, say, window shop more easily.... Very practical - try it and see

I have an idea what kind of background she has, form the way she behaves - it's not THAT uncommon. Inner strength type. No need to rebel.

So before you commit another cultural blunder, let me give you this hint: If she finds out that you have been discussing her on this fourm, you're probably going to be an ex-BF before you know it! LOL.

(But honestly ...)

[buzzin]

yes perhaps i need to shut my mouth and attempt to delete this thread! =)

[buzzin]

It would be helpful if you provided some more specifics (if I missed them, I apologize);

- age of female

- your age

- your socioeconomic status

- faculty

- type of student (undergrad/grad/post grad/doctoral/post doctoral)

The above has a significant impact on the situation.

both in twenties, upper middle class, grad student

I don't want to be too specific.

[buzzin]

I haven't noticed much else that its noteworthy as far as cultural differences. I am still seeing her on a regular basis. We are friends officially, but unofficially I see a sparkle in her eye and a special tone in her voice when we talk. When I brought up the fact that I see her as a potential g/f, she said she likes me but cannot be serious right now because she is worried about having to move back to Thailand in a few months. I think that's smart, because it would be painful to get involved and then have to break it off... but at the same time I am more of the Western (?) notion that love is love is love and who cares what *may* or may not happen in a few months, the time to live and love is right now. At any rate, it's worth it to me to "assume the risk" so to speak.

Still, we are friends. We chat nearly every day online and off. I go visit her at work regularly and invite her to the movies or go with her shopping on weekends. Sometimes we go with some of her other friends, sometimes we go alone. I was so excited a couple weeks ago that I got to hold her hand during a movie. She of course rejected my advance, but caved in the second time. It was so innocent and sweet, and I can't describe the feeling I had just holding her hand. I kind of tingled all over my body and felt that I could stay in that position forever and be OK, if that makes any sense.

I'm falling in love with her and just this week I realized I want to marry her. Crazy I know, but I have a feeling in my heart I've never had, even though I have dated other girls and even had a serious live in girlfriend. I think for now I will continue living day to day and cherishing each moment I am able to spend with her. I also think I need to cut back on the flattery. I tend to give her compliments quite often (pretty hair today, I like your new earrings, etc).

[gonzobrains]

smokin' hot thai girls don't pick strawberries for a couple bucks an hour like "uneducated mexicans".

so, yeah, it does make sense.  next time you're at the dinner table, unless you are eating at her thai restaurant, ask yourself, "how many mexicans brought this food to the table"?

jeff

well she doesn't have sushi skills that i am aware of, but she does work in a thai restaurant until she finds a "real" job. she has a masters degree from the local university but probably no real world job skills or experience yet. does it help that she is smokin' hot??

i don't get the US govt sometimes... we have 20 million illegal uneducated mexicans in the country, but they're going to deport a sexy university graduate from thailand. i mean, why in the hel_l would we want educated young people in our country? it makes far more sense to have uneducated manual laborers! yay uncle sam!

[gonzobrains]

upper middle class by what standards?  farang or thai?

It would be helpful if you provided some more specifics (if I missed them, I apologize);

- age of female

- your age

- your socioeconomic status

- faculty

- type of student (undergrad/grad/post grad/doctoral/post doctoral)

The above has a significant impact on the situation.

both in twenties, upper middle class, grad student

I don't want to be too specific.

[buzzin]

upper middle class by what standards? farang or thai?

by thai standards she is probably upper class.

[buzzin]

Ladies, any tips on how to win a thai girl's heart? My sweetie is probably on the spoiled side, definitely "upper class", reserved, modest, used to having things done for her, etc.

Consistency of behavior comes to mind. I try to treat her well no matter what the circumstance. I can tell she has a crush on me, but may be reserved because of her "puritan" upbringing. She calls me a lot and we go out on dates. We always have a good time and enjoy each other's company. I would like to be more serious with her (serious does not mean sexual). I know I've found the right woman for me; it's a matter of allowing her to realize she's found the right man for her. Any suggestions? Continue on as I have been and continue to be consistent, reliable, secure, and sweet? I have noticed if I don't talk to her for a few days she will ask me what's wrong and reach out to me. However I don't like playing games. Any advice? I get the feeling she is pretty much asexual and has no need for a man, but I'm sure this is due to her upbringing and she has to have the emotional side that yearns for it. It's a matter of bringing this out and helping her realize what a great guy I am . I was pretty much a late bloomer myself; I've dated and had serious girlfriends before, but never have I felt this way about anyone. I feel grateful that I have met a woman like her, but am banging my head against the wall trying to get her to acknowledge the same.

Flowers seem to help. Anything that shows I was thinking of her, even if it comes at no expense or cost, seems to help. I've never had to deal with someone more "pure" than myself though! As far as guys go, I'm pretty much as pure as it gets, but I recognize I need a woman in my life! Help me show her she needs a man! You ladies do need men, right??

[buzzin]

since no one else has any, here's a tip i discovered: forget about it and move on!

[kayo]

has it gone tits up, buzzin'?

I've been reading (and amiring) this thread and was hoping to hear more good news.

(i haven't posted on this topic before because I tend to klown around a lot, and I respected this thread)

[buzzin]

interesting choice of words hasn't gone sour, but im spinning my wheels at this point.

[gonzobrains]

how did you figure that one out?

my guess is that, if she really is thai upper class, you were just a short-time curiousity and didn't fit into her family's plan...

since no one else has any, here's a tip i discovered: forget about it and move on!

[2term8r2]

Wow, its like you described exactly what I'm in right now, everything down to the "holding of the hands", both in college, young, ambitious, I felt the exact same way. She is also drop dead gorgeous as yours, like amazingly beautiful and from the "upper class". I feel as if I'm in your own shoes right now, and the advice I'd give you is to be patient. I know you don't want to see her go after the visa or whatever she's on is up, but you must remain patient. As mine told me, "I could fall deeply in love with you, but I will be going eventually". You have to understand that if you fall "deeply in love" now your heart will be ripped to shreads when she leaves.

If you are falling for her as much as I have mine, hint about traveling abroad. Ask about her family. Mine actually hinted about visiting Thailand and how long would I stay! I never heard her bring up anything about long term relationship, and one of the few ques she was really really into me. That would have never came up if I didn't bring the topic of travelling. Ask her where she wants to travel to most, what countries, cities, etc. Don't be too emotional in your words with her, it will make it harder, since most of the time they won't respond in the same way and you're left questioning yourself/her. Instead have fun with it and joke about it, make her laugh about future plans, dreams and what you want/ideals of a future and family.

Bottom line, enjoy what you have for now. I was in the same boat physicaly wise, untill last date when she grabbed my waist and the entire date turned into holding hands, hugs and arms locked; pure ectasy in every way and form the entire night. Goodluck and any questions feel free.

Edited November 8, 2008 by 2term8r2

[buzzin]

Thanks for the tips. You're pretty much handling it the way I am, except you are having better luck. Mine has decided she is moving back to Thailand b/c her visa is about to expire. Kind of dampens the pursuit of a relationship right now.