Partner / Bf Looking At "images" Of Women

[sbk]

I'd have to agree with the addicted issue, addicted to viewing porn would not be a good thing, but occasional viewing of the average stuff is, IMO, perfectly normal for most guys and is not an issue for me.

[kat]

kay you always have such sensible approaches.

Being a boy, I know a thing about boys. And if I were a girl, I would adopt the same approach. And, I would be loved by my partner, for it, I reckon. As I expect you have been

Thanks Will. That was a very sweet comment. But, I don't want to give the impression that I was a total saint either. I definitely gave as good as I got on the female side of things.

[OxfordWill]

sorry, KaT not KaY!

And, I definitely believe that!

Edited January 14, 2009 by OxfordWill

[Alex8]

There's the ideal of the perfect world we'd like to live in, and the real world we live in. Though we can try and 'improve' (move it closer to our personal ideal) the world we live in, if we push too hard, we isolate ourselves from the real world and the people therein.

Careful of trying to put the man in your life in too small a cage, he's bound to try and escape if he starts feeling claustrophobic.

There is a big biological difference between men and women, and sexuality is one of the biggest. If you try too hard to turn your man into a woman, or vica versa, the relationship is doomed.

The problem does not lie with you, or with porn. It lies with the unrealistic values our society uses to raise it's children. Fortunately, many people manage to shed some of those unrealistic ideals as they age. Unfortunately, it causes much drama on the way.

Welcome to the real world. It's a wonderful world, if you don't fight nature.

What a refreshingly intelligent and unusual post. You have hit the nail squarely on the head and saved me the trouble.

Many thanks

Alex8

PS. I am blessed with a female partner who is so perfectly in tune with my own needs and fantasies and can always match or outperform my own libido. I think it's called contentment. We supply each other's needs and can mutually enjoy the daily froth of adult porn as an extra stimulant. We never need to hide our heads in shame or false modesty but we do guard against revealing this to others whose feelings may be injured. As a topping on the cake we have no difficulty with providing total freedom to one another, no strings, no jealousy, no hand cuffs or jail. We also practice total faithfullness. We are not into adultery or wife/car key swapping. I think we give it the name of 'trust'. If you have no trust then you have zilch.

[Alex8]

After read this thread, I realized its normal "boy things".

To the OP I understand how you feel, i been there before but to know he looks at porn is much more better than he has movie - pics with ex and cyber pics from online chicks he has in every computer.

Just be positive, talk to him that you cant handle it (and deleted for him as he seems forget and dont know how to) and try to let it go.

I know its hard, especially for me, I dont forget-forgive things easily. Its the matter of his behaviour if he wants to change or still doing it.

I even said...if you choose to live with me then trash them in a can that will never re-store again.

To the boys who thinks to look at porn (a lot) is normal...maybe you have to give more your partner attention than on those sites !

As the meaning of attention does not mean sex..but woman needs more than just bang bang !

Just share my thought

Did it never occur to you that men also need more than bang-bang? Good alpha males need plenty of bang-bang as do real unswerving alpha females but we mature adults don't lose sight of the fact that life is more than humping between the sheets. An orgasm, to put it bluntly and crudely, lasts a few minutes or, if you're unlucky, a few seconds. The other 23 hours and 54 minutes of our days are spent earning a crust to protect and nurture our families and service the mortgage and utility bills. Please, get real and opt out of all of your defamatory eclipses. Offer your hand of friendship to most regular guys and you will receive reciprocal gifts aplenty.

Most men have other very good personal qualities and their brains are not totally inspired by the testosterone in their scrota. If you took the trouble to get off your plinth and go look for a decent fella, there are plenty about, but you seem to repell them even before they appear on your horizon.

Why am I wasting my time on a failed case? I'll go get a labotomy.

Alex8

[Alex8]

Years back I used to manage a sex shop in the North of England. I never once saw the proverbial dirty old man and around 60% of my customers were women. I used to have some of the models spend the day in the shop and they were just normal everyday girls who just happened to take their clothes off for a living.

As far as men are concerned its just what we do. It has no bearing on the girl we are with or the amount of sex we are getting. Sometimes we just want to do it ourselves, sorry. The way my ex used to look at it was she would rather I was looking at pictures or DVD's than cheating on her with another woman. Any man who says he doesn't look at porn on the net is lying.

Sorry H2-0Dunc, I just had to pick up on your statement. It was a challenge. I am an elderly male, in pretty good shape. I don't look at images on the net or elsewhere. I don't need to and I am certainly (in this cae) no liar. I prefer to see, touch, taste, suck and feel the real thing in 3D rather than look at artificial 2D images.

Yes, I must admit, when we are in bed together we look at soft porn on our bedroom tele as a stimulant. Other personal sexual practices remain in our private province and will never be revealed on this or any other forum. They never include brothers-in-law or livestock.

[Chestnut]

didn't real all of it but: don't worry.

it's normal. any men likes to look at pics or porn once in a while (and even women do).

my bf always says he's just curious like a kid and wants to see.

why not. i wouldn't feel bad for watching porn (without him) either.

if it bothers u though, why don't u talk about it?

i always ask him in a joking kind of way

[DaraRai]

You shouldn't keep your thoughts to yourself about this; you should discuss it with your bf. Maybe you could work something out (such as viewing them together). I understand that it isn't really the porn that bothers you, but perhaps, it's the secretive nature of how he's viewing them; he hid it from you and that's what's causing the sense of betrayal, right?

[G54]

Porn is the most widely searched item on the internet. If your man or woman is looking at it, surely this shows a healthy respect - unless looking at depraved porn. Depraved porn being that which includes animals or children.

As said earlier, if he was out actively looking for women, or going to visit b/g then I could understand your problem.

My mother would have died of shame at the idea of one of her sons looking at porn but she was born in the early 1900's. Yet again, a visit to the barbers for a haircut in those days often led to being offered photos (black [sepia] and white of ladies in compromising positions. In the early 60's there was Parade Magazine in full colour. Now we have the internet.

Nothing has really changed except the ease of access to porn. Men, especially like to look but that does not mean we are unfaithful or disgusting. It is no worse than eyeing some beautiful, sexy young lady in a mini-skirt walking down the street.

Surely looking at porn shows a healthy interest in sex? Be it Lesbian, Hetrosexual or Homosexual.

Titillation can also lead to a better sex life between two people.

Just my opinion - and yes, I was caught by the g/f with photos on my computer of previous long term Thai ladies. That was a topic a while ago Yet she is very happy now her jealousy has diminished through her understanding and, now, trust of me.

He is normal to look at standard porn.

[Soulwy]

Aiai...this is really hard for you...

How I would feel? If we are in harmony together, I wouldn't mind. If things aren't going very well between us, I would feel not so good about this. I would take this more personally.

Remember that men play with their snake on a daily base since they are aware of it (2-3 years)

And they need "ïnspiration" to get things started. For "them" ( ) porn has nothing to do with the feelings they have for their GF.

I don't know how comfortable you are talking about this with him, but it could be an eye-opener to discuss this openly. Why not bring this up in a general way, the difference between men and women e.g.?

I hope you work this out, because you sound really upset. Good luck.

[manjara]

Just my 2 cents, in a slightly drunk state in a hotel room in London.

The longer I have been married, or with my wife, the less I feel like having any kind of relationship with any other woman.

If I ever had sex out of marriage, it would be entirely meaningless and a mental abheration.

I still look at porn, but it gets less stimulating every year ( my wife probably watches more than me now!)

Our sex life is better than ever, I love her more than ever, and can't imagine how I would live without her.

can't say it's the same for all guys, but give him some room and time, you may be surprised...

[Digitalman]

We all have different sensibilities and many of the replies simply do not respect the poster's. This is a big issue with many couples, no matter what your opinion of pornography is..

I think the best advice is to talk it over with him first, but be careful not to accuse him of anything. If it continues to be a problem in your relationship, no matter what these people think of the issue, you should stand firm in how you feel about it and not let it degrade your self worth or image. I really would advise professional counsel.

A person (male or female) often carries over destructive behaviors and views into a relationship as result of habitually watching pornography. What really matters is how well your partner can separate this visual stimulus from real life, and speaking from experience, a lot of people have a difficult time doing just that.

Again, before are you porn addicts start defending the porn under your bed, realize that I said "a lot of people" not all people.

Good luck in your relationship.

Edited February 16, 2009 by Digitalman

[mc2]

i strongly dislike the end scenes where they mess the make up on the face , its disgusting

imo of course

[mssabai]

The problem with porn is....you always know what the ending will be ha ha ha!

[Sabum]

Women that think there is something wrong with men looking at porn truly do not understand men at all and if they try to limit their faithful loving partner from doing a simple basic thing like look at pictures or video of strangers having sex... well it's just an attempt at control.

I've never had a girlfriend that didn't look at porn, never, I mean cmon, who doesnt look at porn?! Wow, people really are raised differently aren't they? I just don't meet these people in the real world... only read about you on the net! My most erotic experiences were coming home and finding my naked girlfriend sitting on the couch watching porn and twiddling her bell.... god I went nuts! Was all over her like a happy puppy, I was a slobbering licking happy mess. How can people not understand that?! Just common sense to me.

There is no such thing as cheating with your mind... god the thought police, how awful to even contemplate. If your man is faithful then BE HAPPY and be appreciative, do not take for granted a faithful man, so many cheat, especially in Thailand. To believe there is cheating with the mind is living in lalaland and not based in reality at all.

Op, you got mildly berated because of your one line saying you didnt want to touch your man anymore, you can't really be defensive after saying something as awful as that.

[Goinghomesoon]

Yes but Sabum not everyone has the same opinion as you. Why should the OP expect to be vilified (or "mildly berated" as you put it), and mostly by men, for stating her feelings in a women's forum?

[Insight]

Just a short while ago I noticed a few google keywords relating to "sexy girls" and "hot babes" on the drop down google bar of my bfs laptop when he asked me to help him with something and I used his google for a couple of tips on what to do. No idea when he entered those keywords, could have been many months ago, as we both have our own laptops. Didnt go hunting in his history tab, because i believe in privacy. However, it nagged in the back of my brain, so I entered the keywords into google on my own laptop to see what sites would come up and has made me feel a bit repulsed because i didnt expect them to be so graphic.

At this moment I really dont want him near me, especially not in an intimate way, because I feel a bit sick about it and the vision of him ogling those images/possible videos is stuck in my head.

What i wonder is how would you feel, or, how do you feel about your partner viewing graphic images/videos of women? Is it something you accept as normal for a man, or do you feel upset about it?

What an amateur.

[MyphuketLife]

in the hooker capitol of arguably the world you are worried about him looking at porn on the net? be glad he is just looking and not experiencing....

[spectrum]

in the hooker capitol of arguably the world you are worried about him looking at porn on the net? be glad he is just looking and not experiencing....

I believe the problem here is about communication.

If one partner dislikes another's actions, I think they ought to address it with their partner.

Above all, good communication is what makes or breaks a relationship.

[JimmyConway]

OP if you cant beat him join him. jump on his lap next time and join in maybe you will like it.

[spectrum]

Many experts in the field - with the notable exception of the fundamentalist Christian lobby - believe it is possible for pornography to be part of a couple's healthy sex life. However, there are a lot of pre-conditions for it to work - and it's certainly not for everybody.

"It needs to be open, honest and mutual use of porn rather than secretive," sociologist Michael Flood says. "Secondly, the material needs to be as respectful and 'non-toxic' as it can be. There is plenty of porn out there that is really hostile to and callous towards women, treating them just as a series of orifices. For the men or women using that material it has a pretty toxic impact on their attitude towards sex, towards women and towards themselves."

Therapist Ash Rehn agrees porn may have a place for some people. Some clients have told him pornography has transformed their relationship by making it easier for partners to talk about their needs in bed.

"It depends how people approach it in relationships and whether it is a point of discussion or a point of secrecy," he says. "Sometimes in therapeutic sessions with individuals and couples we can come to a new understanding of the place of pornography in their relationship."

The quote is from a longer article (theage.com.au/news/lifeandstyle/lifematters/the-porn-ultimatum/2009/03/04/1235842454092.html?page=fullpage#contentSwap2) which I found quite interesting though rather incomplete. (I'd like to have heard in more detail from people or families affected, either positively or negatively, as well as more from the researchers.)

Edited March 7, 2009 by spectrum

[kitty]

WOW Man, thats some serious porn addiction you have going there - 350,000 porn pics . I don't understand it myself, after you've seen one porno you've seen them all as far as im concerned & I have no xxx rated pictures on my pc & the last time I searched porn on the internet was years ago...thats honest because I remember I was on dial up and it was slow & when i finally got it I went....ohhh BORING . I'm a man, there must be something wrong with me

Where can i find a man like you!

Personally i think some people are being harsh on the OP.

Theres nothing wrong with not wanting your man to look at porn, you cant on the one hand say that everyone has a right to this and that but then berate people who also have a right to NOT like this.

I cant understand how *some* men and women cant just be happy with their partner. There was a study (ill look for the actual info) that proved that when men are in deep, true love, they literally only have eyes for their partner. Same with women too.

I have no issue with a partner occassionally looking up fit girls, as long as its not on sexual dating sites/dating sites or meeting sites. However, if it became a daily thing then TBH i would think they were pretty sad and need to get some more interests in life.

Maybe i am unique because i will go years without sex to wait for the right person rather then sleep with whoever, so i have other things filling my time like family, friends, work, socialising, planning etc. I cant imagine a life where i would collect 350,000 pictures of the opposite sex, surely if your partner is enough you dont need that? But hey if people are happy with that then good on them, its just not for me.

If you personally are not happy with porn/pictures/sexy images then you have every right to voice your opinion.

The lame excuse that 'thats what men are like' is bulls*it quite frankly and is a massive generalisation and quite insulting to those who arent like that.

Theres someone out there for everyone though and those who like porn obsessively have every right to do so also, but in my next relationship i will be with a man who has a lack of interest in that, who wont explode if they dont have sex for a few months, whose life doesnt revolve around sex

[Sabum]

Maybe i am unique because i will go years without sex to wait for the right person rather then sleep with whoever, so i have other things filling my time like family, friends, work, socialising, planning etc. I cant imagine a life where i would collect 350,000 pictures of the opposite sex, surely if your partner is enough you dont need that? But hey if people are happy with that then good on them, its just not for me.

If you personally are not happy with porn/pictures/sexy images then you have every right to voice your opinion.

The lame excuse that 'thats what men are like' is bulls*it quite frankly and is a massive generalisation and quite insulting to those who arent like that.

Theres someone out there for everyone though and those who like porn obsessively have every right to do so also, but in my next relationship i will be with a man who has a lack of interest in that, who wont explode if they dont have sex for a few months, whose life doesnt revolve around sex

Why do some people refuse to acknowledge that men and women are NOT the same, its called testosterone and it makes men STUPID. You can go years without sex? Well I CAN'T. And neither can most men. You want a man you don't have to sleep with for several months at a time? Ok those are called OLD MEN.... Im sure there's some very nice docile nutless old guys out there for you that will never bother you lol. If you find a younger man that doesn't want sex with you for several months he is an aberration and completely in the minority (0.1%?), you are kidding yourself if you think you can find a guy like that easily. We are not the same, do not compare men to women and think something is wrong with men or completely ignore our glaring chemical, hormonal and physical differences, we are made this way. I implore you to do some research, your opinion that men and women are similar in this area is not based in factual science, please go look into it. YES men ARE like that (interested in sex and things sexual). Don't take this personally, when I see outrageous statements I just want to respond.

The reason I want to respond is I'm sick and tired of society (politically correct society) making men feel guilty and insecure about their physical needs and the way we think. Forcing men to hide their ugly behaviour like frightened little boys hiding their porn pics and masturbation from their mommies (wives). It's ridiculous, why hide how god created us, he's put pestering sexual thoughts in our heads constantly, he wants us to procreate!! You ever hear the song Heterosexual man by the Northern Pikes, one line is "I wanna make every woman I see".... this is TRUE! dam_n a man can look at an ugly hit by a mack truck face girl but comment "oh... she's got nice legs..." Men can't help it! I read old men talking about their declining sex drive and how its a godsend as they can think more clearly and aren't so distracted. YES!!! This is our existence! It's a pain in the ass! But we deal with it, and we live with it and function normally. I talk like its an affliction to better explain to a woman kind of what its like, but to us its just life.

[dsprtliving]

I wouldn't be to concerned as his choice of search phrases and using google to browse for porn? Definitely not something he's adept at doing or does daily. You say you have a healthy sex life and honestly, guys are hard wired with an overwhelming desire to have a look now and then. At least he's not not sneaking a peek at Vixens with whips in leather or chicks with bits! Sounds like your partner is an average guy with just a bit of tame curiosity.

[bobo42]

Theres someone out there for everyone though and those who like porn obsessively have every right to do so also, but in my next relationship i will be with a man who has a lack of interest in that, who wont explode if they dont have sex for a few months, whose life doesnt revolve around sex

To preface, I'm a guy. I know most women will disagree with me, but please try to keep an open mind and consider this perspective.

IMO, there is no man who's life doesn't revolve around sex, the compulsion to have sex is the strongest motivational force a man has, outweighing all other instincts - even survival instincts in some cases. I know you likely believe this to be a gross generalization, but knowing myself, male friends and acquaintances from all over the world, and noting studies of male behavior, I feel that there is plenty of evidence to support this conclusion. I read a study once that said the average man thinks about sex every 7 seconds, I have no grounds to dispute this.

I have been in a committed relationship with my girlfriend for over a year and we are planning on being married soon. You're right when you say a man can be so infatuated with a women that he only has eyes for her, I am definitely that man in regards to my GF, there is nobody else on earth that is more beautiful than she is. If given the choice to be with any women in the world, I would choose her every time.

Having said that, I do fear the day when/if she looses sexual interest in me, because I know that if/when she does, I will start looking elsewhere. She knows this. I have told her that I expect sex at reasonable regularity throughout our lives. I think any women who believes her man is ok with not having a regular (as in interval) sex life, is fooling herself. These men will very quickly look elsewhere, if your lucky it'll be just to porn - but would take the chance to fulfill themselves in real life if they can find it.

My advice to my own fiancee - and to all women who want to keep their husband happy and faithful: keep your man satisfied sexually. That's it. Why is that so hard? If a husband gets his testosterone fueled urges sated by his wife, he's not going to look for sex anywhere else. He's done, mission accomplished. Once a man is drained of sexual desire, he'll be free to concentrate on other things like his family and his job. Women have no idea of the energy men spend on finding sex when we don't have any.

If you don't agree with me on anything, please believe me on this: men want sex whenever they are physically able to have it. If given the choice of sex or anything else, men will always choose sex (unless the other thing means more sex in the future).

While you may not have the desire very often, your husband has the desire in the front of his mind all the time - and having the women he desires most withhold this from him only breeds resentment and pushes you farther apart.

I believe that most women will disagree with me and believe that I am a rare deviant or pervert or something. Well such is life. If I'm wrong - is it really such a terrible thing to make your husband happy every day by giving him some pleasure? My bet is that the reward would come back in copious quantity. But if I am wrong, then why do so many men cheat?

Well I guess this is just a male rant, so, rant complete.

[Sabum]

That's pretty much what I said. Agree with everything except the part at the end where you mention cheating... I think some men will cheat no matter the high sexual interest of their wives.

[sbk]

Actually, I agree with you gentlemen. Men and women are different. Indeed, that is one of the things I prefer

And I also agree that some men will cheat regardless. Cheating is not always about sex or a lack thereof, could be the desire for something new, could be boredom, could be the guy likes the adrenalin rush. Just as true, some men will never cheat and for them the respect and love they have their partner is stronger than their desire to "spread their seed". I think alot of men like to use the old tried and true excuses ( ie back in the caveman days blah blah blah) when the fact is, that some men are more than capable of controlling themselves while others are not. Its an individual thing.

Back to the original issue, I think it is not unfair to let your partner know if his viewing porn on a regular basis disturbs you. If you don't tell him, he can't know. While I personally don't think some viewing is a problem I would find obsessive compulsive viewing to be an issue. But if its only a bit here and there, I am not sure I understand what the big deal is.

[Sabum]

Ya any problems should be discussed openly, often you have an opinion on something or feel negatively about something only to talk about it with your partner and suddenly not feel bad about it after hearing what your other half has to say about it. Keeping your bad feelings inside and to yourself will only make them fester and turn into something much worse than they originally were, it's a good way to sabotage your whole relationship. Sometimes my woman comes to me with the most ridiculous concerns (due to insecurity, misunderstanding) but the second she tells me and we talk about it she feels completely better and its not an issue anymore, if she kept her issue to herself she'd feel bad about it much longer than need be.

A funny example is this: one day my girlfriend went snooping through my email because I forgot to log out (ya snooping aint cool but I didn't blame her entirely as she has always been worried I have a wife and kids back home and for a long time I could never convince her otherwise) anyway so she immediately finds emails from someone in my home country calling me darling, honey and sweetheart...... and she doesn't tell me for WEEKS! So she was feeling hurt and scared and bad for several weeks only to finally confront me.... so I opened up my email and asked her to show me the offending emails...... she pointed them out and I laughed, they were emails from my mother. I asked her to look at the "sending" name and she said but that is YOUR name (my mom has the same first initial and obviously last name and it only showed first initial and last name so it did look like my name and confused my girlfriend) so then I told her my moms name and read the emails with her to point out all the motherly things she said. In my girfriends culture mothers are not super sweet and calling their sons silly names like darling and sweetheart but my sappy moms been calling me that since I was pooing my pants and this confused my girl too. Anyway... apparently she had told all her friends the bad news that she had found emails from my "possible" wife back home and they were all feeling bad for her..... wish I had been there when she told them they were from my mom, apparently they couldnt stop laughing and teasing my poor girlfriend. This is what my girl calls a "happy problem", she was embarassed but so relieved and happy.

Ooh.. I forgot to mention, apparently it is much worse to have another girlfriend from your home country than to get another girlfriend locally. Locally could be forgiven (apparently) but one from back home would be deemed too serious and would be grounds for dismissal lol.... she almost dumped me over this! My moms loving emails.

It's been a while but hopefully the op just told her man the way she felt and see what he says about it. Would probably clear up all her concerns.

Edited April 16, 2009 by Sabum

[lordsux]

Interesting topic.

Just recently my wife told me that she on a number of occasions had 'refreshed' herself while viewing some archived media in my 'Notches in the Bed' folder.

All fine by me of course

[LadyHeather]

It is probably best to just ignore the above post, I think.

Ccommunication is key, and has been pointed out, the original poster surely must have resolved this issue both with herself and her boyfriend by this time.