Partner / Bf Looking At "images" Of Women

[woonwai]

Maybe im just being bated, but replying in the hope that people can see that not all is b&w.

So the OP is not going to talk about it unless she sees it becoming more of a problem. Surely that means she is going to be snooping around his computer - no ? I already know his password, for some time already as I am more pc clued-up than him and often install programmes etc. We regularly leave our laptops open when going to take a shower or whatever (as well as other "private" items such as mail etc lying about). He has even used my laptop if we have taken a trip together to log into his hotmail and often forgets to log out. I remind him about it often, incase he logs into a netcafe and forgets. Not once have i spied on his email. If I had wanted to snoop around on him, i could have done it at the time, or recently, or a long time ago. I respect a persons privacy, all peoples privacy, and expect the same. I share a life with someone, i dont own them.

As for pictures of other girls well that is just daft. I wish I had pictures of more of my old flames and had we lived in a digital age then, then I surely would have. I think it is normal to keep a record of your journey through life. The only problem I could see would be if the person with the record was obsessed by someone from their past. -fair enough, although i do think that if a person or their partner accidently comes across photos of ex's in intimate and/or graphic poses, it can be a bit of a shock for most. Also different if the pics are just buried somewhere, rather than something that is accessed regularly. I think many would be quite upset if they regularly caught their partner viewing images of an ex.

As for the OP working from home and getting groped by a boyfriend with a higher libido then I suggest you tell him to get out and get a job. Otherwise why is he always at home to grope you ? - Sorry, but this really is a typical example of a person jumping to conclusions. My bf owns a successful business. He employs people to work. He has free time to be at home.

Seriously though, porn is porn and it is fantasy. I don't like some foods but I don't berate those close to me who eat them. Try to think of it on the same level, nothing to worry about. he may just be researching ways to increase your libido ! -Already decided to let it go(although its still not something i really like, just isnt worth bringing up as I realise its most likely not a reflection on our relationship.). Unless its something that I notice he views a heck of a lot (I personally couldnt handle finding out that its viewed many times a day), im not going to let it interrupt our relationship. Anyway, today I decided to make him so tired () to even be able to think about it! 555!

[woonwai]

btw...in case it was misunderstood, i meant that I would talk to him about it making me uncomfortable only if i notice him viewing it regularly when im around. If it is something that he does in private from time to time, then thats something i should just let go, as i should respect his privacy. I discovered the keywords accidently, so its not like it was really his fault. I have no desire to go hunting around to find 'evidence'.

My real problem was how it made me feel about myself and how I imagined that maybe I was not good enough for him. Yes, he has quite a high libido at times, but I had thought he was happy in that area with me. I realise that its probably nothing to do with me at all and not to take it so personally.

I also realise i should be happy he has a 'normal' desire in that area, and that he doesnt go out looking for the real thing.

I needed some other perspectives to help me put things in perspective.

[girlx]

girlx ....the more I read your posts the more I like you.!! A former dope smoking hippy chick........................... coooool . I'm a fan wub.gif

thanks! but i wouldn't say i was a hippie really, except in attitude.

[twschw]

Just a short while ago I noticed a few google keywords relating to "sexy girls" and "hot babes" on the drop down google bar of my bfs laptop when he asked me to help him with something and I used his google for a couple of tips on what to do. No idea when he entered those keywords, could have been many months ago, as we both have our own laptops. Didnt go hunting in his history tab, because i believe in privacy. However, it nagged in the back of my brain, so I entered the keywords into google on my own laptop to see what sites would come up and has made me feel a bit repulsed because i didnt expect them to be so graphic.

At this moment I really dont want him near me, especially not in an intimate way, because I feel a bit sick about it and the vision of him ogling those images/possible videos is stuck in my head.

What i wonder is how would you feel, or, how do you feel about your partner viewing graphic images/videos of women? Is it something you accept as normal for a man, or do you feel upset about it?

It was the above hi-lited passage that got to me. That you would not want your BF, whom I assume you love (yes, I know about assumptions), to be near you is an extreme reaction to "a few google keywords".

So, when your BF uses your computer for something and sees these "google keywords" in your drop box it is alright if he pulls away from you in disgust?

[Thanh-BKK]

Hi

Me and my boyfriend generally use the same computer, either my desktop at home or his laptop when we are up north. There is even only one e-mail software that we both use to download our respective e-mail into separate folders on the computer. I did set up the system because he doesn't know anything about Linux, just how to use the programs etc.

Never have i opened one of his mails (despite me usually being the one opening the program and doing the downloading) and neither does he. It'd be a single click onto my folder, there are no passwords to type (apart from that, he knows mine and i know his for sometimes i need to send a mail in Thai or he needs something send in English or even German).

I have a collection of roughly 350,000 pictures on my computer, neatly categorized, 95% of which are of xxx-nature. And some of those categories are HIS domain while others are MY domain (he likes to look at Westerners while i prefer Asians, for example).

There is also a HUGE porn collection, as in "video", again all sorts of stuff.

Do we have any problems? Nope.

Do we have a healthy sex life? Yes.

Do we cheat on each other? To my knowledge, no.

Do we ALLOW each other to have "gigs"? Yes!

Oh, maybe it plays a role that we are both guys......... the "jealousy" software just isn't installed in us

With kind regards.....

Thanh

[OlRedEyes]

girlx ....the more I read your posts the more I like you.!! A former dope smoking hippy chick........................... coooool . I'm a fan wub.gif

thanks! but i wouldn't say i was a hippie really, except in attitude.

Attitude is most important. Pity more people don't have your attitude, instead of ATTITUDE.

[OxfordWill]

OP- did you overlook my comment about how its maybe not even what you think it is? Might give you some peace of mind while you come to terms with the opposite sex.

[neverdie]

Hi

Me and my boyfriend generally use the same computer, either my desktop at home or his laptop when we are up north. There is even only one e-mail software that we both use to download our respective e-mail into separate folders on the computer. I did set up the system because he doesn't know anything about Linux, just how to use the programs etc.

Never have i opened one of his mails (despite me usually being the one opening the program and doing the downloading) and neither does he. It'd be a single click onto my folder, there are no passwords to type (apart from that, he knows mine and i know his for sometimes i need to send a mail in Thai or he needs something send in English or even German).

I have a collection of roughly 350,000 pictures on my computer, neatly categorized, 95% of which are of xxx-nature. And some of those categories are HIS domain while others are MY domain (he likes to look at Westerners while i prefer Asians, for example).

There is also a HUGE porn collection, as in "video", again all sorts of stuff.

Do we have any problems? Nope.

Do we have a healthy sex life? Yes.

Do we cheat on each other? To my knowledge, no.

Do we ALLOW each other to have "gigs"? Yes!

Oh, maybe it plays a role that we are both guys......... the "jealousy" software just isn't installed in us

With kind regards.....

Thanh

WOW Man, thats some serious porn addiction you have going there - 350,000 porn pics . I don't understand it myself, after you've seen one porno you've seen them all as far as im concerned & I have no xxx rated pictures on my pc & the last time I searched porn on the internet was years ago...thats honest because I remember I was on dial up and it was slow & when i finally got it I went....ohhh BORING . I'm a man, there must be something wrong with me

Edited January 8, 2009 by neverdie

[girlx]

Do we ALLOW each other to have "gigs"? Yes!

I think that's fair enough, but just wondering, do you really not get jealous at all when your man is off with another man?

[neverdie]

Do we ALLOW each other to have "gigs"? Yes!

I think that's fair enough, but just wondering, do you really not get jealous at all when your man is off with another man?

Well now I'm really freaked out....I must have missed the gigs thing the first time. Is this normal behaviour?

[Thanh-BKK]

Do we ALLOW each other to have "gigs"? Yes!

I think that's fair enough, but just wondering, do you really not get jealous at all when your man is off with another man?

Hi

I've had a completely open relationship with my first BF (who also was a Thai) in my home country, due to distance - 200 kilometers between us and neither able to move, so i learned early on (i was 16 then) to accept such situation.

No, i would not be jealous if he had a hot night with another guy, i know his preferences and know what he'd do and, more importantly, NOT do (i.e. unprotected etc). Same vice-versa - if i were off with another guy he'd probably only wanted to see a photo of him to judge if he's cute or not

However neither of us HAD an actual gig yet, and that's in 8 years! I've had guys over (or stayed at their place) for nights when my BF went to Chiang Mai to see his parents (who, at the time, weren't aware of his sexual preferences and the nature of his relationship with me) but, honest to my heart, nothing happened sexually between me and those guys (apart from cuddling and kissing to just be close). Reason for this is that i can't stand sleeping alone

The agreement and common knowledge between me and my boyfriend is - neither of us owns the other and hence has no right whatsoever to restrict the other. The only thing i let him restrict me in is how i handle my money - without him i probably had 120 mobile phones and never a Baht in my bank account

Oh, as someone mentioned it - large porn collection. Yeah, i am an "impulsive collector", in Germany i had 23 small motorbikes (and a few larger ones) and more CB radio devices than some CB shops..... also some 1,200 music cassettes and a similar number of CD's. Here (actually started in Germany already) it's all those porn pics (which fit on one physically small hard drive and cost nothing) and about 15-ish mobile phones. We gotta have a hobby, don't we?

Kind regards.....

Thanh

[neverdie]

Oh, as someone mentioned it - large porn collection. Yeah, i am an "impulsive collector", in Germany i had 23 small motorbikes (and a few larger ones) and more CB radio devices than some CB shops..... also some 1,200 music cassettes and a similar number of CD's. Here (actually started in Germany already) it's all those porn pics (which fit on one physically small hard drive and cost nothing) and about 15-ish mobile phones. We gotta have a hobby, don't we?

Absolutely! Now being mad about bikes, I want to know if that was 23 real motorcycles? If so, You are a legend in my mind because I thought owning 4 motorcycles at once was a big achievement....I had to divorce to get my 5th one. Never again will I let someone control my form of porn MOTORCYCLE OWNERSHIP! You can porn away myfriend....suddenly I understand why you are collecting.

[tw25rw]

Just a short while ago I noticed a few google keywords relating to "sexy girls" and "hot babes" on the drop down google bar of my bfs laptop when he asked me to help him with something and I used his google for a couple of tips on what to do. No idea when he entered those keywords, could have been many months ago, as we both have our own laptops. Didnt go hunting in his history tab, because i believe in privacy. However, it nagged in the back of my brain, so I entered the keywords into google on my own laptop to see what sites would come up and has made me feel a bit repulsed because i didnt expect them to be so graphic.

At this moment I really dont want him near me, especially not in an intimate way, because I feel a bit sick about it and the vision of him ogling those images/possible videos is stuck in my head.

What i wonder is how would you feel, or, how do you feel about your partner viewing graphic images/videos of women? Is it something you accept as normal for a man, or do you feel upset about it?

Men are naturally visual. Sex is an external thing to us.

Without that visual stimulation, you might find he loses interest in general, including in you..

[sibeymai]

Maybe im just being bated, but replying in the hope that people can see that not all is b&w.

So the OP is not going to talk about it unless she sees it becoming more of a problem. Surely that means she is going to be snooping around his computer - no ? I already know his password, for some time already as I am more pc clued-up than him and often install programmes etc. We regularly leave our laptops open when going to take a shower or whatever (as well as other "private" items such as mail etc lying about). He has even used my laptop if we have taken a trip together to log into his hotmail and often forgets to log out. I remind him about it often, incase he logs into a netcafe and forgets. Not once have i spied on his email. If I had wanted to snoop around on him, i could have done it at the time, or recently, or a long time ago. I respect a persons privacy, all peoples privacy, and expect the same. I share a life with someone, i dont own them.

As for pictures of other girls well that is just daft. I wish I had pictures of more of my old flames and had we lived in a digital age then, then I surely would have. I think it is normal to keep a record of your journey through life. The only problem I could see would be if the person with the record was obsessed by someone from their past. -fair enough, although i do think that if a person or their partner accidently comes across photos of ex's in intimate and/or graphic poses, it can be a bit of a shock for most. Also different if the pics are just buried somewhere, rather than something that is accessed regularly. I think many would be quite upset if they regularly caught their partner viewing images of an ex.

As for the OP working from home and getting groped by a boyfriend with a higher libido then I suggest you tell him to get out and get a job. Otherwise why is he always at home to grope you ? - Sorry, but this really is a typical example of a person jumping to conclusions. My bf owns a successful business. He employs people to work. He has free time to be at home.

Seriously though, porn is porn and it is fantasy. I don't like some foods but I don't berate those close to me who eat them. Try to think of it on the same level, nothing to worry about. he may just be researching ways to increase your libido ! -Already decided to let it go(although its still not something i really like, just isnt worth bringing up as I realise its most likely not a reflection on our relationship.). Unless its something that I notice he views a heck of a lot (I personally couldnt handle finding out that its viewed many times a day), im not going to let it interrupt our relationship. Anyway, today I decided to make him so tired () to even be able to think about it! 555!

Looks like you're well on the way to getting this in the right perspective. Well done.

[WaiWai]

To me, these issues seem mainly, and at the core, to be about communication and expectations.

One way or another, both partners should be comfortable letting the other know their thoughts and feelings about these kinds of matters.

The agreement and common knowledge between me and my boyfriend is - neither of us owns the other and hence has no right whatsoever to restrict the other.

Thanh, the agreement between you and your partner would work for some but not for others. What does shine through in your post, though, is a sense of ease and comfort between you and your partner.

I believe that is the key.

[Bangyai]

girlx ....the more I read your posts the more I like you.!! A former dope smoking hippy chick........................... coooool . I'm a fan wub.gif

thanks! but i wouldn't say i was a hippie really, except in attitude.

Attitude is most important. Pity more people don't have your attitude, instead of ATTITUDE.

Agreed, its the attitude that counts. Sometimes...in fact a lot of the time...you have to give people a little slack. If the OP found her partner looking at pictures of naked men she might have a little more to be concerned about .... although some would not necessarily agree.

[Thanh-BKK]

Absolutely! Now being mad about bikes, I want to know if that was 23 real motorcycles? If so, You are a legend in my mind because I thought owning 4 motorcycles at once was a big achievement....I had to divorce to get my 5th one. Never again will I let someone control my form of porn MOTORCYCLE OWNERSHIP! You can porn away myfriend....suddenly I understand why you are collecting.

Hi

Not wanting to go off-topic but yeah, they were real, but small, motorbikes ("mopeds") with 50 or 80cc engines. Mostly brand "Zundapp" but i had a few others as well, and three larger ones (175cc Zundapp, 200cc Suzuki, 250cc Honda). But i had enough space for them and was working in a shop that fixed/sold them so i was at the source in terms of "spare parts"

Best regards.....

Thanh

[neverdie]

Absolutely! Now being mad about bikes, I want to know if that was 23 real motorcycles? If so, You are a legend in my mind because I thought owning 4 motorcycles at once was a big achievement....I had to divorce to get my 5th one. Never again will I let someone control my form of porn MOTORCYCLE OWNERSHIP! You can porn away myfriend....suddenly I understand why you are collecting.

Hi

Not wanting to go off-topic but yeah, they were real, but small, motorbikes ("mopeds") with 50 or 80cc engines. Mostly brand "Zundapp" but i had a few others as well, and three larger ones (175cc Zundapp, 200cc Suzuki, 250cc Honda). But i had enough space for them and was working in a shop that fixed/sold them so i was at the source in terms of "spare parts"

Best regards.....

Thanh

Well I'm glad we are in the digital age, I would of hated to have found room for 350,000 printed porn photographs.....you would have probably had to clear out some of the motorcycles for the storage space. That is a serious collection thing you've got going!

[Ieyuhrah]

You asked for another opinion/perspective. You should be concerned about the porn sites. Maybe it was idle curiosity but porn can be addictive and as 'visuals' it becomes a part of our thoughts no matter what. The lame excuse 'boys will be boys' ('girls will be girls') is nothing more than a rationalization for improper actions. Cheating in the mind is cheating just the same. Some people are willing to accept/tolerate/embrace this type of behavior but do not be pressured into it yourself. Anything can be rationalized if enough people start calling it the 'norm'. If you should feel betrayed, then rightly so. Listen to your heart & concience. If it is wrong or a problem to you then it is a problem to the relationship. Ask and get a satisfactory answer. Evasion would show problems deeper than just this. You know how & why you feel the way you do. Do not question yourself (dare I use the word 'compromise') because of other's opinions or lifestyles. Just my thoughts & my opinions. The best for you~.................. Fire extinguisher, please.

[girlx]

[Patsycat]

ditto, girlx.

I myself have nothing against a bit of porn (within limits) and have never had a problem with my ex-husband and boyfriends watching it.

The only problem they had was when they thought it "would get ME in the mood" and I would roll around on the floor laughing at the stupid story lines, the ugly actors and all that over the top huffing and puffing and eeeek and oooh oooh ooooh aaaaah noises that emitted from a badly made under the counter copy.

So now, i presume, they just watch it on their own... or with their current partners.

Sorry, I am of the old school. Porn on line - well, I have watched and seen some stuff that shocked me (no kids, or animals - but some pretty sick stuff), but mostly it was pretty mundane. And if my boyfriend was watching it, I wouldn't be upset - just amused.

So OP, don't worry. Men watch it, Women watch it, even our gay friend above has a wee peek sometimes!? Its in our lives. And curiosity is not a bad thing.

edited - for alot of things!!

Edited January 11, 2009 by Patsycat

[torrenova]

Also different if the pics are just buried somewhere, rather thexan something that is accessed regularly. I think many would be quite upset if they regularly caught their partner viewing images of an .

I take that point completely but I know I sometimes pull up some pictures when bored or something stimulates me to do so, such as today when I was going through some old paperwork and came across an old CD with pictures on it - I reviewed some on the PC as well.

Sometimes you wonder what they are doing now etc. Usually it means nothing but I take your point that it could mean everything.

I wonder what it means to me ?

[OxfordWill]

im pretty much an addict, so is the girlfriend. I remember the day I found her stash, when we were not that close yet, it made her feel much better to see I had the same interest!

to be balanced, we also both enjoy classical music.

[neverdie]

im pretty much an addict, so is the girlfriend. I remember the day I found her stash, when we were not that close yet, it made her feel much better to see I had the same interest!

to be balanced, we also both enjoy classical music.

So to balance out the fact you are 'perverted' by porn....you play a bit of classical music and they cancel each other out! INTERESTING!

[thesunset75]

After read this thread, I realized its normal "boy things".

To the OP I understand how you feel, i been there before but to know he looks at porn is much more better than he has movie - pics with ex and cyber pics from online chicks he has in every computer.

Just be positive, talk to him that you cant handle it (and deleted for him as he seems forget and dont know how to) and try to let it go.

I know its hard, especially for me, I dont forget-forgive things easily. Its the matter of his behaviour if he wants to change or still doing it.

I even said...if you choose to live with me then trash them in a can that will never re-store again.

To the boys who thinks to look at porn (a lot) is normal...maybe you have to give more your partner attention than on those sites !

As the meaning of attention does not mean sex..but woman needs more than just bang bang !

Just share my thought

[woonwai]

^ thanks for your side sunset.

I think its all too easy for many people to view subjects like this from one extreme side to another. Either its 'dirty' and harmful in some way, or a person should be more relaxed and get involved in watching it, etc. I would prefer to find a balance.

I believe now that what I initially saw was just a few keywords put into his google when he got a bit curious/bored. The keywords were harmless, words like "hot babes", so after I put things in perspective, i realised that it isnt a big deal. Im not even sure if he knew himself the sights would be quite so graphic. If anything i think he is a bit shy on that front (viewing material, not being intimate) as he gets uite embarressed in the lingerie department and I get the impression he would be more into 'soft' porn. Im also over the paranoia that he is viewing them a lot or that its a reflection on me in some way. IF, he were to view them a lot, particularly if im there, then yes, against the view of many 'liberals' here, i would have to ask him to have more consideration regarding my feelings about it and to view in private/less frequently. Thankfully, it doesnt seem to be something i will need to do, but it has been food for thought.

I have also been pro-active in making myself feel more better about it by taking some harmless photos of myself (suggestive and seductive, but not sleezy) and then sent them to his email. He seemed pretty suprised and happy about it. Felt fun tbh, as well as empowering. Although im ok(ish)now with the idea of him viewing images of women, it feels good to give him some images to view of me if he feels like looking!

Anyway,good luck to all in how they handle things like this is their own relationships.

[kat]

Hi Woonwai:

I can sympathize both with you and with what others have said on the thread, especially Boo. I think it is fair that you came on here seeking perspective. For the most part, I agree with many of the comments that it is quite predicatable and normal that most males will have a porn stash somewhere. A lot of porn is bad, with terrible story lines, terrible acting, and content that would feel demeaning to women. However, some of it is quite good, and I cannot blame men for wanting to satisfy their libido and sexual curiousity by looking at good porn (no children or underage people, animals, sick, demeaning stuff, etc.).

I have even told some of my partners that if they wanted to visit a (grown up) commercial sex worker once in a while, or have a one-night-stand while out of town, to please wear a condom, and form no attachments. But, I know that is shocking to the majority of women to whom I have told, and they viewed me as something of a freak afterwards; so be it.

That being said, I would not want to be in a relationship with a man that was addicted to porn - or commercial sex workers for that matter. As another poster has said, it is addictive, does factor into their attitudes toward women, and should not be used as a crutch or even a stimulant in a relationship.

Go ahead and flame away.

[girlx]

I have even told some of my partners that if they wanted to visit a (grown up) commercial sex worker once in a while, or have a one-night-stand while out of town, to please wear a condom, and form no attachments. But, I know that is shocking to the majority of women to whom I have told, and they viewed me as something of a freak afterwards; so be it.

i have the same attitude as you do towards this kat, but i have learned it is one thing when it is still an idea in your head and quite another when your partner acts on it. unfortunately jealousy will always be an issue for me but i am trying to get better about that because sex is really just a physical need and it is the intimacy of the relationship and the commitment to stick by each other that are important to me. the fact is, you will most likely never satisfy your partner sexually long term. i know in the long relationships i have been in, no matter how voracious we were with each other in the beginning, after about 3 years we both got bored of the same thing every day.... and for guys, girls can not be chameleons- most guys seem to be aroused by a wide variety of things- a buxom blonde pinup one day, a tiny asian the next, a big bootied black girl the next, and on and on... in other words the world is big and full of beauty and expecting a guy to limit himself to your particular brand is unrealistic (and vice versa for you). it doesn't mean he might not be capable of loving you and making a long term commitment to you, and many couples do have this agreement that if they are safe and honest about things, they can play around on the side, assuming it never detracts from their relationship. i feel like these couples are probably more successful in the long run than those who put unrealistic expectations on each other, but of course it takes a lot of respect and communication to make anything work. and porn? porn is baby stuff, so harmless to me. yeah some guys get addicted but it is very rare. yeah some look at child porn etc and should be shot. but most guys are decent and look at normal porn, and it is not a threat to their real life sex partner. it is simply appreciation of beauty and scratching an itch. i don't see any infidelity in it at all.

[kat]

I have even told some of my partners that if they wanted to visit a (grown up) commercial sex worker once in a while, or have a one-night-stand while out of town, to please wear a condom, and form no attachments. But, I know that is shocking to the majority of women to whom I have told, and they viewed me as something of a freak afterwards; so be it.

i have the same attitude as you do towards this kat, but i have learned it is one thing when it is still an idea in your head and quite another when your partner acts on it. unfortunately jealousy will always be an issue for me but i am trying to get better about that

Yeah, I hear you on that one. Aren't we all. For me, the above mentioned attitude would be in a very long term and stable, committed relationship, like a marriage. I am realistic enough to know that very few men are going to be totally monogamous to never, ever stray, or think about and have the desire to stray. I think it is part of a friendship as well as a real love relationship between a man and a woman to recognize this fact. Of course, there are limits as I mentioned, and I should never, ever feel a difference between him and me, which is saying a lot because female intuition is strong.

yeah some guys get addicted but it is very rare. but most guys are decent and look at normal porn,

I don't think that is a given girlx. I think it is context. Yes, the guys that I am attracted to meet that description, but doesn't mean that the others are rare. My two cents anyway.

[OxfordWill]

kay you always have such sensible approaches.

Being a boy, I know a thing about boys. And if I were a girl, I would adopt the same approach. And, I would be loved by my partner, for it, I reckon. As I expect you have been

Edited January 14, 2009 by OxfordWill