Under Pressure From The Thai In Laws To Breed

[Goinghomesoon]

Hi ladies

I'm sure many of you will have been through this. Meet nice Thai man, marry and WHAMMO the first question on everyone's lips is "pregnant yet?" In my heart I know it's considered a natural progression in the Thai village and I'm not insulted by it. But how to explain gently that the two of us - hubby and I - are happy with the two adopted children we have and are not bearing any extras?

Reminding them hubby and I are in our mid to late-30s didn't work (MIL and FIL bore kids until she was nearly 50). Praying for early menopause is possibly an option. Explaining that I have a career and don't want to take a break doesn't cut it (the old example of MIL working in the fields 2 days after childbirth is trotted out). I tried lying and telling them I had medical troubles, they offered to get the local medicine man to make up a special potion. I know they they want to help but it's driving me batty. Poor hubby is constantly trying to explain to them that this is not a negotiable issue and that YES, he asked me to marry him knowing that children were not on the cards. They just don't give up.

So tonight I actually told the truth. I admitted that I don't like babies. Stayed as far away from hubby's 1-day old niece as possible at the hospital. Said the idea of childbirth makes me feel ill, that I've never wanted to give birth and that I'm too old. That I'm happy with the 2 children we have. It was like hubby's 3 older sisters had seen an alien descend. Then they figured the silly farang was joking and guffawed loudly before continuing with lots of ribald jokes about how hubby wasn't doing his manly business often enough. Cos clearly it's his fault I'm not up the duff yet.

Okay, so now I accept that they simply won't take no for an answer. Is cotton wool in the ears the best solution? Do I need to sacrifice a small child to convince them that babyhood ain't for me? Anyone else going through this drama with the in-laws? I am seriously considering having my tubes tied to shut them up .... and we've only been married 9 weeks!

Edited to add the length of marriage & spelling.

Edited January 6, 2009 by Goinghomesoon

[sbk]

Smile nicely and tell them to ask your husband. Then walk away. His family, his problem

But to be honest, I don't have kids, we never not planned on having kids just never felt the need to have them. So far, no kids. Sure, I could still have them but I don't want to. I'd love to tell them its none of their business but of course, I can't. So, indeed, I tell them to ask my husband and smile nicely and go find someone else to chat with.

[Boo]

LOL, sorry goinghomsoon, no advice but your post made me laugh cause we got the same questions when I dared to be married for over 3 years before having my son & no sooner had I popped the golden boy out than hubby was being asked when we would be having the next one.

Ummm, hello 16hrs of active labour, only gas & air & an episiotamy. I dont' think so.

I dont' blame you either for not liking babies, I only liked my own (you sort of have to & you have the hormones to help with it too) & have to fake fawn over my mates new borns. I only really like my son now he is older & much more fun (I always loved him but god they are boring!!).

No advise just wanted to say I sympathise.

[yasx]

LOL, sorry goinghomsoon, no advice but your post made me laugh cause we got the same questions when I dared to be married for over 3 years before having my son & no sooner had I popped the golden boy out than hubby was being asked when we would be having the next one.

Ummm, hello 16hrs of active labour, only gas & air & an episiotamy. I dont' think so.

I dont' blame you either for not liking babies, I only liked my own (you sort of have to & you have the hormones to help with it too) & have to fake fawn over my mates new borns. I only really like my son now he is older & much more fun (I always loved him but god they are boring!!).

No advise just wanted to say I sympathise.

Boo - that was hilarious! I love kids - other peoples kids.

Advice - its an asian mentality, get married and start breeding like rabbits. Unless you start doing it, there will be something wrong with you. Unfortunatly, there's worse to come. You'll start to be emotionally blackmailed by the in laws, the neighbours and the dog. Just remind yourself that its you who will have to go through the labour and sleepless nights and ignore the nosy sobs.

[ajarnmark]

Why did you marry a village man?

I am not sure where r u from, but will u marry a redneck?

If u have a husband who belongs to ill-educated/traditional family, what else do u expect?

I will NEVER marry a village girl, coz I am NOT white and I don't want trouble from in-laws or any extended family.

Nothing personal, but it seems more of an issue of in-laws than ur partner, so be happy what u have chosen.

[Boo]

My husband isn't from a village & neither am I but I get asked from people here in UK if I am having more, why did we wait so long to have number 1 etc. as well so dont' think' you can equate these questions to village mentality alone.

Also I'm interested in how you equate village life with being redneck? What is a redneck?

[bina]

boo,

u should live on kibbutz. here, if u get married, it means u are already preggers or planning real soon....or they start asking your in laws what the prob is, or giving u names of prominent ob/gynies in the fertility field... in israel fertility treatments are a big issue and free up to a certain age and everyone gets involved in YOUR womb here.

i have three and that is considered not quite average, 4 being the going rate; and i hate other's kids; very dif. from most women here; most women like owrking in children's houses (baby house, toddlers, that sort of thing)... i always worked somewhere else and they all knew better than to ask me to subsitute while the babies were awake...

i prefer kids (goat, that is... ) )

i dont like my (ex) in laws babies, but can deal once they hit about 8 yrs old....

and anon and i, no kids (several false starts and miscarrieages in first weeks, im too old and now we got a puppy which pees, poops and crys the same as a baby, but can be put on the floor when too tired to deal )

and we are far away from in laws from his side of family and my mother would have a fit if i had a kid now.

bina

israel

[dave_boo]

My husband isn't from a village & neither am I but I get asked from people here in UK if I am having more, why did we wait so long to have number 1 etc. as well so dont' think' you can equate these questions to village mentality alone.

Also I'm interested in how you equate village life with being redneck? What is a redneck?

I must apologies for my countryman (although he could be from Canada). A redneck is a unique American colloquialism that is deragotory in usage. It's used for poor white people from the southern states. A list of related terms from other countries is here.

Had I been born and raised in the south, I would have qualified for the term. However, having been born to modest beginings on a farm up north the name doesn't apply. I also disagree with his usage, since I have a girl that could be called a redneck by closed minded people who fail to look past people's roots. But I don't care because she's good and from a good family.

As a side note, my wife wants another child (our first was born in February 2008!), but I've been shooting down the idea. Haven't had anyone else in the family asking me about it, but I promised her we'd have another one after her sister has one. That's a safe promise on my part because her sister has a career and swears that she won't have a baby.

[sbk]

Interesting that he equates small village life with closed mindedness. When my husband asked me to marry him, he told his then 90 year old grandfather and asked his grandfather what he thought of him marrying a foreigner. This man, who had grown up on this small island and lived here his entire life (except for the time he took a sailing freighter to bangkok at the age of 19, around oh, 1920 or so) said to my husband "It doesn't matter what's on the outside that matters, but what's on the inside".

Anyway, the main reason we have always been pressured to have kids is because luk kreung are so beautiful

[PeaceBlondie]

Lots of good advice here. You probably cannot satisfy nosy, intrusive family. You have reasons, good reasons, that you can state. When Thais do not accept my good reasons, I keep repeating them. If you already have two adopted babies, some other folks had your babies for you. Two is enough. Tell them to go have ten babies and raise them themselves. Tell them your husband is really a lady, or you area a ladyboy. Say anything. Oh, you can say that you know a gay man who had six babies, so you need not have any more yourselves. Tell them you are an alien and your baby will have no eyes and 8 hands.

[dave_boo]

Interesting that he equates small village life with closed mindedness. When my husband asked me to marry him, he told his then 90 year old grandfather and asked his grandfather what he thought of him marrying a foreigner. This man, who had grown up on this small island and lived here his entire life (except for the time he took a sailing freighter to bangkok at the age of 19, around oh, 1920 or so) said to my husband "It doesn't matter what's on the outside that matters, but what's on the inside".

Anyway, the main reason we have always been pressured to have kids is because luk kreung are so beautiful

Not all of them. Here's mine-don't know what what wrong, must have taken after my side of the family...

[sbk]

Nothing wrong with that baby dave, very cute in fact

[ourmaninbangers]

My husband isn't from a village & neither am I but I get asked from people here in UK if I am having more, why did we wait so long to have number 1 etc. as well so dont' think' you can equate these questions to village mentality alone.

Also I'm interested in how you equate village life with being redneck? What is a redneck?

george bush

mccain

palin

and people want us to be educated.....

thats was a really dumb comment by that poster

[PeaceBlondie]

It was off topic, but George W. Bush was never the village boy. Not in Midland, or Houston. Heir to a banking-oil-political empire, private elite schools, ruling class.

I think the OP suffers under an ancient misunderstanding that a woman is supposed to be little more than a baby machine, first and foremost. That is not even true in Thailand.

[Goinghomesoon]

Hey Peace, who you calling a baby machine I simply have no maternal desire to create babies myself. I'm not seeking to change Thai culture. I just want ideas on how to get the in-laws to lay off without being rude.

[Naam]

Why did you marry a village man?

I am not sure where r u from, but will u marry a redneck?

If u have a husband who belongs to ill-educated/traditional family, what else do u expect?

I will NEVER marry a village girl, coz I am NOT white and I don't want trouble from in-laws or any extended family.

Nothing personal, but it seems more of an issue of in-laws than ur partner, so be happy what u have chosen.

ur name wudd indickate zat u r a teatcher. eye hope u dont teatch enklish

[Naam]

Lots of good advice here.

Tell them you are an alien and your baby will have no eyes and 8 hands...

as well as Klingon citizenship and therefore visa problems in Thailand.

[fred2007]

Lots of good advice here. You probably cannot satisfy nosy, intrusive family. You have reasons, good reasons, that you can state. When Thais do not accept my good reasons, I keep repeating them. If you already have two adopted babies, some other folks had your babies for you. Two is enough. Tell them to go have ten babies and raise them themselves. Tell them your husband is really a lady, or you area a ladyboy. Say anything. Oh, you can say that you know a gay man who had six babies, so you need not have any more yourselves. Tell them you are an alien and your baby will have no eyes and 8 hands.

[dave_boo]

Nothing wrong with that baby dave, very cute in fact

You think so? Her head isn't too pear shaped?

[sbk]

Nothing wrong with that baby dave, very cute in fact

You think so? Her head isn't too pear shaped?

Nope, looks ok to me, how old is she?

[dave_boo]

Nothing wrong with that baby dave, very cute in fact

You think so? Her head isn't too pear shaped?

Nope, looks ok to me, how old is she?

She'll be one 21 Feb. I tried to get her stuffed back in for an extra 8 days; but neither the wife nor the doctor would go for that just to save on birthday parties....

[Boo]

lol. your baby is lovely & you know it

[CindyCindy]

Dave, she is so adorable! Take tons of pictures now, as her looks will

change from year to year. How I miss when my kids were that tiny.

The years go by terribly fast. Sniff, sniff......

[jlittleptld]

Hello forum. My first post.

I am married to a Malaysian, and as toward breeding it is exactly the same! We have now been married for 7 years. We have 2 kids (the first passed away). We where childless for the first 4 years of our marriage. My MIL was like a special forces solider and was always asking about kids when we least expected it, like when we are out grocery shopping. "Can you hand me 2 bags of sugar, and when are you going to have kids?" My mother was the same. I would call her back home in the states, and she would be like I love you and miss you. Your sister is ok, when are you giving ME a grandbaby! This is not the worse part, When I meet some of my wifes Aunts and Uncles after 2 years of marriage for the first time, the first thing they would ask is when are the kids coming? I really started to get upset about this. I told my wife that this is none of there business and that they needed to butt out ASAP or I was going to get really American on them (you know mean and scream, lol). But my wife gave some really good advice.

1) They are FAMILY! They only have our best interests in mind.

2) They don't know or care what OUR plans are, they just care about US. i.e. kids make a family stronger, kids are our retierment plan etc.

3) No matter what I say, screaming or not. They will ALWAYS know better, even if they do not.

So I calmed down, and thought why should I be upset about people caring about me. Even though it seems more like prying. They will not disown us if we do not have kids and will not love us more if we have kids. It's just family! as the old saying goes, you can choose your freinds but not your family (espically not your in laws).

Jeremy

[Boo]

Welcome Jeremy

Your wife is of course right & even though they do annoy & frustrate us (as most families of any nationalty do ) they DO have best interests in mind. Just gets quite annoying when you are told by your (Thai) mil that you better got on & have kids cause you are getting so old (I was 29 when she made that comment!!!)

[sbk]

Or rather, they think they have your best interests in mind but in fact, since it is not their life, they have no real idea what those best interests might be

***edit*** this post has been made by a woman who has put up with 20 years of nagging regarding having kids ***

[frtiz]

Remember what my MIL said when we drove off after the wedding: And now you make baby!

I was like: <deleted>. My MIL has the gift to embarrass me in front of other people all the time with these questions. My wife being a fair bit older (45) than I am (29), and me not wanting any children, we're fine. but the in laws don't take no for an answer. So I just walk away and let my wife take care of the situation. Even after my wife had a miscarriage 2 years ago due to a traffic accident deliberately set up by some people who didn't mean very well for us, her mother just told us to get over it. Make again! I'm still sad over the whole situation but it seems that Thais don't give a shit about that. Offspring counts and tears are a waste of time.

No, we're not uncivilized tribesmen and women who are tangled up in Thai disputes. haha.

Great comment on the teacher mark, being a teacher myself. My god that those people still roam the planet.

[PeaceBlondie]

My last two babies are turning 28 today. Their oldest nephew is 24.5, and I never have told him to make me a great grandfather. In fact, when the first twin was having her first of 3 deliveries (when she was 16!) I told him to wait several more years. Populating the planet? It is no longer a great idea, and you need to leave it to the fertile folks who like fertilizing.

[TAWP]

@OP: I was asked the same thing (well, they said 'you' as in us as a couple, as I am a man) by my own relatives so I wouldn't say it's in any way Thai related...just older relatives wanting grandchildren and so on. And eventually we where pregnant and we now have a son at 2 years of age. And last week I was asked by my grandma if a second was on the way yet. :S

Edited January 31, 2009 by TAWP

[julie_f]

It's not just Asians though! My MIL to be has asked when she can expect another granchild. I'm almost 30 so shouldn't wait too much longer but we aren't sure we want any!!