khall64au Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 A real estate agent is getting out of his brand new Porsche when suddenly a truck screams past and rips the door off. The agent is hysterical and can’t believe what’s happened. When the police arrive, one of the officers says to the agent: “You agents are all so materialistic.” “Why would you say something like that at a time like this,” asks the agent. “Well, because you don’t even realise that your whole arm has been ripped off in the accident, all you’re worried about is your car.” The agent looks and screams in horror… “Oh no, my Rolex!” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sceadugenga Posted September 4, 2007 Share Posted September 4, 2007 A real estate agent is getting out of his brand new Porsche when suddenly a truck screams past and rips the door off. The agent is hysterical and can’t believe what’s happened. When the police arrive, one of the officers says to the agent: “You agents are all so materialistic.” “Why would you say something like that at a time like this,” asks the agent. “Well, because you don’t even realise that your whole arm has been ripped off in the accident, all you’re worried about is your car.” The agent looks and screams in horror… “Oh no, my Rolex!” Don't tell me, you're a lawyer aren't you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking. "Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off" said the teacher. "Who is credited with writing the phrase "To be or not to be. That is the question," asked the teacher. Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, "Shakespeare". "Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off" "No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard," said Little Pham Lam Nguyen. "Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!" Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!" "Well done!" said the teacher. "You can have Monday off" "No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese oligin and we arso do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I wir be in on Monday studying hard too," said little Fri Sum Kat. "Okay," said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F#^*ing Asians!" "Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone. "Pauline Hanson!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday!!!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stumonster Posted September 6, 2007 Share Posted September 6, 2007 little johnny's culture - The Builder lyricsVerse School holidays were draggin' on He was gettin' really bored And his Mum had started poppin' pills She was climbin' up the walls So when he asked her could he go across The buildin' site and play She just popped another pill 'n' just said "Don't get in the way" So he chucked his little toolbox In his billycart 'n' left While his Mum knocked up a cuppa Laced with valium and Bex She needed all the help she could To cope with holidays But the pills and powders weren't enough When he got home from play ... 'n' said ... Chorus I wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up ... eh, Mum And build ######in' houses everywhere, millions of the ###### A bricky or a chippy, eh Mum, I don't give a ###### I just wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up Verse It seemed the sawn-off shit Had listened to the builders while they worked And he'd remembered everything -- Word for ######in' word! And his shell-shocked Mum just sat there As he went on to explain How "some ###### lost the ######in' plans Then found the ###### again!" And how "some <deleted> missed the ######in' nail And hit his ######in' thumb!" And how "they shaved a mickey whisker Off the door to close the ######!" And his voice was so excited Best fun he'd ever had! "And can I go back tomorrow, Mum? Can't wait till I tell Dad, how ... Chorus I wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up And build ######in' houses everywhere, millions of the ###### A bricky or a chippy, really, I don't give a ###### I just wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up Verse His Mum was scoffin' scotch and serepax And propped against the fridge And when his Dad got home she dribbled "Tell your father what you said" So the young bloke give his Dad a serve The air was turnin' blue "###### the weather, ###### the foreman 'N' ###### the unions, too!" His old man turned ######in' purple 'N' his whole body started to twitch Until finally he exploded "Go and get a switch!" But the young bloke shook his head 'N' said, "No way, mate, I've knocked off Anyway, you c'n go 'n' get rooted Cause that's a ######in' electrician's job!" Chorus Cause I wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up And build ######in' houses everywhere, millions of the ###### A bricky or a chippy, not a sparky, go get ######ed I just wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up Yeah, I wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up And build ######in' houses everywhere, millions of the ###### A bricky or a chippy, you cranky bastard, go get ######ed I just wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up Yeah, I wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up And build ######in' houses everywhere, millions of the ###### A bricky or a chippy, you're not me foreman, go get ######ed I just wanna be a ######in' builder when I grow up Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peter991 Posted September 13, 2007 Share Posted September 13, 2007 A dedicated union worker was attending a convention in Kalgoorlie, Western Australia and decided to check out the local brothels When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?" "No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionised shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules." The man asked, "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the union man said. He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next." Peter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted September 24, 2007 Share Posted September 24, 2007 Alternative Citizenship Test LANGUAGE 1. Do you understand the meaning, but are unable to explain the origin of, the term "died in the arse"? 2. What is a mole? 3. Are these terms related: chuck a sickie; chuck a spaz; chuck a U-ey? 4. Explain the following passage: "In the arvo last Chrissy the relos rocked up for a barbie, some bevies and a few snags. After a bit of a Bex and a lie down we opened the pressies, scoffed all the chockies, bickies and lollies. Then we drained a few tinnies and Mum did her block after Dad and Steve had a barney and a bit of biffo." CUSTOMS 1. Macca, Chooka and Wanger are driving to Surfers in their Torana. If they are travelling at 100 km/h while listening to Barnsey, Farnsey and Acca Dacca, how many slabs will each person on average consume between flashing a brown eye and having a slash? 2. Complete the following sentences: a) "If the van's rockin' don't bother ... You're going home in the back of a ... c) Fair suck of the ... 3. I've had a gutful and I can't be fagged. Discuss 4. Have you ever been on the giving or receiving end of a wedgie? 5. Do you have a friend or relative who has a car in their front yard "up on blocks"? Is his name Keith and does he have a wife called Cheryl? FOOD 1. Does your family regularly eat a dish involving mincemeat, cabbage, curry powder and a packet of chicken noodle soup called either chow mein, chop suey or kai see ming? 2. What are the ingredients in a rissole? 3. Demonstrate the correct procedure for eating a Tim Tam. 4. Do you have an Aunty Myrna who is famous for her tuna mornay and other dishes involving a can of cream of celery soup? 5. In any two-hour period have you ever eaten three-bean salad, a chop and two serves of pav washed down with someone else's beer that has been nicked from a bath full of ice? 6. When you go to a bring- your-own-meat barbie can you eat other people's meat or are you only allowed to eat your own? 7. What purple root vegetable beginning with the letter "b" is required by law to be included in a hamburger with the lot? CULTURE 1. Do you own or have you ever owned a lawn mower, a pair of thongs, an Esky or Ugg boots? 2. Is it possible to "prang a car" while doing "circle work"? 3. Who would you like to crack on to? 4. Who is the most Australian: Kevin "Bloody" Wilson, John "True Blue" Williamson, Kylie Minogue or Warnie? 5. Is there someone you are only mates with because they own a trailer or have a pool? 6. Would you love to have a beer with Duncan? The people to be granted citizenship are the ones who call it a crock and cheat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted October 6, 2007 Share Posted October 6, 2007 Why so many South Africans move to Australia Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, "What are all those little black things out there?" "They're buoys," said the Aussie. "Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?" "Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him. "Great country this!" said the South African, deeply impressed. "We'd never get away with that at home!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeungKen Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 Hi Jai Dee I think you forgot this one;AN Aukland University class was told they had to write a short story in as few words aspossible. The instructions were: The short story had to contain the following threethings:(1) Religion (2) Sexuality (3) Mystery Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class. "Good God, I'm pregnant; I wonder who did it." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeungKen Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 and A New Zealand woman on a holiday trip stood in awe in front of an enormous tree."Oh, marvellous and ancient oak," she enthused, "if you could only speak,what would you want to say to me?"A woman standing nearby commented, "It probably would say, "Pardon me,madam, I am an elm." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeungKen Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 The Ashes Q. What is the height of optimism?A. An English batsman putting on sunscreen. Q. What would Glenn McGrath be if he was English?A. An all rounder. Q. What is the main function of the England coach?A. To transport the team from the hotel to the ground. Q. What's the English version of a hat trick?A. Three runs in three balls. Q. Why don't English fielders need pre tour travel injections?A. Because they never catch anything. Q. What's the English version of LBW?A. Lost, Beaten and Walloped. Q. What do you call a Englishman with 100 runs against his name?A. A bowler. Q. What does "Ashes" stand for?A. Another Sad Horrific English Series. Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common?A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will comefrom. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeungKen Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 Only an Australian man can make you feel like a woman A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse, when suddenly one wing was struck by lightning. One woman lost it completely! She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, "I'm too young to die," she cried. Then she yelled, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! “Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a real woman ?" For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman.Then an Aussie stood up in the rear of the plane.He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes.Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt.Muscles rippled across his chest. Then, he spoke..."Iron me <deleted>’ shirt and get us a beer luv !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeungKen Posted October 7, 2007 Share Posted October 7, 2007 Finally, somebody has cleared this up ... For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage orreligion, but the Indian Embassy in Canberra has recently revealed thetrue story. When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On herwedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has wona convenience store, a service station, a doughnut shop or a motel inAustralia. If nothing is there, he must take a job in India answering telephonesgiving technical advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeungKen Posted October 9, 2007 Share Posted October 9, 2007 "On A Qantas Flight" My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn' t moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one." To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeungKen Posted October 10, 2007 Share Posted October 10, 2007 (edited) OZWORDS COMPETITION The following were results for an Ozwords competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by only one letter, and supply a new and witty definition. Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole. Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work but is kept as a pet. Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact. Fair drinkum: good quality Aussie wine. Flatypus: a cat which has been run over by a vehicle. Mateshit: all your flatmate's belongings lying strewn around the floor. Shagman: an unemployed male roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity. Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans. Bushwonker: a pretentious drongo who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub. Crackie daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants. Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep. Technicolour lawn: the front yard after a good rage. Edited October 11, 2007 by Jai Dee Font type adjusted for better readability. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep. I'll have to tell me old Kiwi mate Chuchok this one... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momo8 Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 (edited) Australian Government Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship 1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog? 2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first? 3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner: a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat. A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat. c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine. 4. How many beers in a slab? 5. You call that a knife, this is a knife. True or False? 6. Does "yeah-nah" mean a) "Yes and no" "Maybe" c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"? 7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character? a) Toadie from Neighbours Alf from Home & Away c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers? 8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages a) Once or twice As often as necessary to cook c) After each stubby d) Until charcoal? 9. Name three of the Daddo brothers. 10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC? 11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon: a) Drinking beer at a mate's place Drinking beer at the beach c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach? 12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza? 13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England? 14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h? 15. Who are Scott and Charlene? 16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie? a) Squirt and spread with finger Sauce injection straight into the middle? 17. If the police raided your home would you: a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally? 18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest? 19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet? 20. Thongs are: a) Skimpy underwear Casual footwear c) They're called jandals, bro? 21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best? a) 1993 1997 c) 2001 d) 2005 22. What is someone more likely to die of: a) Red Back Spider Great White Shark c) Victorian Police Officer d) King Brown Snake e) Your missus after a big night f) Dropbear? 23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie? 24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh? 25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter.... 26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ. 27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain: a) Ricky Ponting Don Bradman c) John Howard d) Makybe Diva? 28. Is it best to take a sick day on: a) When the cricket's on When the cricket's on c) When the cricket’s on? 29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle? 30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer? 31. What are Budgie smugglers? 32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing? 33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice? 34. A "Hoppoate" is: a) A breed of kangaroo A kind of Australian "wedgie" c) A disgraced Rugby League player? 35. What does having a 'chunder' mean? 36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set? 37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean? Your Score …………. For Office use only. ٱ In ٱ Out ٱ Can have another crack at it 3 Edited October 11, 2007 by Momo8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TopChinese Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Er.. what are the correct answers? I can't wait to move to Oz for real beer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Mist Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Er.. what are the correct answers? I can't wait to move to Oz for real beer. wise choice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeungKen Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Our Glorious LeaderA Public Servant, on his way home from work through Canberra traffic came to a dead halt and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worse than usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars, So he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold-up?" The officer replied, "The Prime Minister is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why we went to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaeda, or that his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends. So we're taking up a collection for him." The Public Servant asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies, "About 20 litres, but a lot of people are still siphoning." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Momo8 Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 Check this out on http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=45c_1191243691 about the Aussie Citizenship test. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarge Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 (edited) have you always wondered if English (as we know it) is spoken in Aussie-Land? wonder no more, here's a tongue in cheek guide to Aussie-spik English: "I'm very busy" Ozzie: "I'm one armed drummer with crabs" E "my hotel room is very untidy" O "me joint's a dog's breakfast" E "I'm quite hungry" O "I could eat a horse and chase the jockey" E "I will be departing now" O "I'm off like a bucket of prawns in the sun E "someone stole my bicycle" O "someone taxed my windsplitter" E "I don't feel welcome here" O "I'm a pork chop in a Synagogue" E "It's 5pm" O "beer o'clock" E "it will be all right" O "she'll be apples" E "that is certainly true" O "bloody oath!" E "someone from Queensland state" O "banana bender" E "to have an accident" O "come a gutser" E "to drink alone" O "drink with the flies" E "to get very upset at something" O "spit the dummy" E "exclamation of wonder / disbelief" O "fair suck of the sav!" E "vomit" O "liquid laugh" E "the English are our masters" O "pommie bastards" dontcha lub when aussies go abroad and wanna teach their brand of English to unsuspecting, hapless students? almost as comical as Koreans studying English in Cebu City, Philippines, I kid you not btw beer is ok I guess, mostly low-ish alcohol (by European standards), however there are some gems out here, notably Coopers vintage ale 7.5% and Southwark old stout 7.40% Edited October 11, 2007 by Sarge Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sarge Posted October 11, 2007 Share Posted October 11, 2007 REVEALED .... wallaby players in the shower room after the morale crushing defeat against England Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peter991 Posted October 21, 2007 Share Posted October 21, 2007 A bit of background ... Ben Cousins, Brownlow Medal winner (Fairest & Best) and former Captain of the West Coast Eagles (AFL team) is in a bit of doggy-doo at the moment ... when he was arrested, his chest was bare and he was sporting a large tattoo ... It doesn't take long does it…. Ode to Benny Benny's in the poo again He's got himself arrested But not for indecent exposure Although he was bare-chested Give us a sample of your blood young Ben He heard the coppers say But Benny flatly refused to comply His answer was "No Way" So they searched the car from top to bottom Until they found the loot They cuffed our Benny on the spot And chucked him in the boot The Eagles have to sack him now They have no other choice They have to get together And speak with one loud voice The trouble with these heroes is They get paid too much money With so much time to spend it They flush it down the dunny Juddys gone to Carlton now And Wooden has retired Chickys not on contract And Benny "you are fired" But alls not lost, do not despair You'll have to face your 'Mockers' You've done the crime, now do your time And come and join the Dockers Peter BC01.bmp BC02.bmp bc04.bmp Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jai Dee Posted October 24, 2007 Share Posted October 24, 2007 The koala and the little lizard Koala_1.pdf Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
peter991 Posted November 3, 2007 Share Posted November 3, 2007 It didn't take long for these to surface: Peter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Lawrence Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 Message from a hard working Aussie I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit. In order to earn that pay cheque, as I work on a mine site on a Kalgoorlie (WA) construction project, I am required to pass a random urine test, with which I have no problem. What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test. Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a Centerlink Payment because I have to pass one to earn it for them?? Please understand - I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet. I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their backsides drinking grog & smoking dope. Could you imagine how much money the Government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a Centerlink Payment ????? Hope you all will pass it along though, because something has to change in this country, and soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Lawrence Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 A New Zealand sheepfarmer has finally been acknowledged as the original author of a song which the Rolling Stones, in their early years, picked up , changed a couple of words around and made into a huge hit. It was originally a rural folk song of passion and betrayal titled 'Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Naam Posted November 9, 2007 Share Posted November 9, 2007 "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe" good one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThaiPauly Posted November 10, 2007 Share Posted November 10, 2007 AussieToiletPaperAd.wmv Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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