Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[Chopper]

Hemi the Maori builder was going through a house he had just built for the woman who owned it.

She was telling him what colour to paint each room. They went into the first room and she said 'I want this room to be painted a light blue.'

Hemi went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.

Hemi went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan..

Hemi went to the front door and yelled 'GREEN SIDE UP!'

When he came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him 'I keep telling you colours, but you go out the front and yell green side up; what is that for?'

Hemi said, 'Oh don't worry about that, I've just got a couple of Aussies laying the turf out the front.

[Jai Dee]

Road sign in New Zealand...

[beerchang]

A Pom goes to Oz for a holiday and visits a huge sheep farm. He goes out with the guide and they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in a fence. The Ozzie guide quickly downs his trousers and keks and gives the sheep a good seeing to. He turns to the Pom and says "Now it's your turn mate". The Pom's a bit shocked at this but thinks 'Oh well, I'm here on holiday'. So he downs his trousers and keks...and sticks his head in the fence!

BTW I'm a Pom. Love Oz and every Oz i've ever met. Got this joke from an Ozzie mate.

[peter991]

None of the PC stuff here.

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle , Australia , was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of

torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT: 'If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camelshagger will save just one Australian life, then I have only three things to say,'

'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

[peter991]

40 Aboriginals arrive at the Pearly Gates. St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying: 'I've got 40 Aboriginals here. Can I let them in?'

God says: 'We are over the quota on Abos. Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'

'No, the Bloody gates'.

[peter991]

Australia's hottest new pop group!

All the greatest hits...including:

Drinking Queen

The White Man Takes It All

Gimme! Gimme! Gimme!

"S.O.S." (Social Outback Services)

The Name Of The Game Is Blame

Does your mother know (you've been stolen)

Knowing me, suing you

I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do, I Do (drink too much)

Lay All Your Handouts On Me

Ring, Ring (I got no bloody telephone cause the government wont give me one)

********************************************************************************

WARNING / WARNING / WARNING / WARNING

Internet Warning:

If you get an e-mail titled - ‘nud_e photo of Julia Gillard’, don't open it....it contains a nud_e photo of Julia Gillard.

[Jai Dee]

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister Kevin Rudd falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Welcome to Heaven,' says Saint Peter, 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer,' says the PM.

'I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in hel_l and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity.'

'But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,' replies Rudd

'I'm sorry .. But we have our rules,' Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down ....all the way to hel_l.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.

The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house.

Standing in front of it is Gough Whitlam and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Bob Hawke, Paul Keating, etc. The whole of the Labour Party leaders were there ..

(and all the socialists from other parts of the world..)

Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.'

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to Rudd with a frosty drink, 'Have a tequila and relax, Kev!'

'Uh, I can't drink anymore; I took a pledge,' says Rudd, dejectedly.

'This is hel_l, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!'

Rudd takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Labour Party pulled with their master strokes on Education, Immigration, Petrol prices, Tough on Crime promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Rudd steps on the lift and heads upward.

When the lift door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. 'Now it's time to visit Heaven,' the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Rudd is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special!

'Whoa,' he says uncomfortably to himself. 'Gough Whitlam never prepared me for this!'

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, 'Well, you've spent a day in hel_l and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.'

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Rudd reflects for a minute... Then answers: 'Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in hel_l with my friends.'

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down, all the way to hel_l.

The doors of the lift open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Rudd and puts an arm around his shoulder.' I don't understand,' stammers a shocked Rudd, 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time.. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!'

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, 'Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!

[peter991]

Blind Golfers

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!' The Indian doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!' The Chinese businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greenkeeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George! Said the Catholic priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls'

The Aussie said, 'Why can't they f****** play at night?'

[peter991]

A retired couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Tamworth.

Bert always wanted a pair of R.M. WILLIAMS boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'No Darl.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for new R.M. Williams boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow, 'cause its always that way'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET? DO YOU?'

'No Darl', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT ME NEW R.M. WILLIAMS BOOTS!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied,

'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

[peter991]

A man owned a small farm in Australia.

The Tax Office claimed he was not paying proper wages to his staff and sent a representative out to interview him.

'I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,' demanded the Tax Man.

'Well,' replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $500 a week plus free room and board. He also gets triple time for working on a Sunday and a slab of beer every Friday"

'The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $400 per week plus free room and board. She doesn't work on Sundays and I provide paid satellite television for free in her room.

'Then there's the half-wit.

He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $20 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of whiskey every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.'

'That's the guy I want to talk to ... the half-wit,' says the Tax Man.

'That would be me,' replied the farmer.

[peter991]

An Indian, an Arab, and a hot gorgeous blonde Aussie girl are in the same bar.

When the Indian finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In India, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses with that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The blonde girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, Downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Indian and the Arab. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says,

'In Australia we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

[peter991]

The fairy & the immigrant

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Parramatta Immigration Offices in Macquarie St.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you’ve just arrived in Sydney, Australia with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Somalia where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.

The refugee claimant now got bolder.

'I need a big house with a three car garage in Castle Hill with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling in ground pool and a Hummer, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be Australian with Australian clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl and I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Best for Less, a dirty K-Mart T-shirt and a greasy Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where’s my Centrelink Gold Card?'

The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to sweet <deleted>> all, like the rest of us.

And she disappeared!

[peter991]

Breaking News: The Australian Taxation Office (ATO) announces the new free pencil sharpener to be given to all taxpayers, as a reminder of the service they provide each year.

[tig28]

A Kiwi farmer is staggering home extremely drunk. Under his right arm is an unusually attractive sheep. As he lurches towards the door of his house --- it is flung open by his enraged wife.

He stares at her through bloodshot eyes and says "Honey.... I want you to meet the pig I sleep with when you have a headache"

Further enraged his wife yells " You drunken fool --- can't you even see ... that is a sheep??"

Looking at her with dismay he replies "Wasn't talking to you!!"

[peter991]

ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

ORIGINAL VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!

AUSTRALIAN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.

Channels 7, 9 and 10,the ABC and SBS show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

Australia is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Cardinal George Pell then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

Prime Minister Rudd condemns the ant and blames John Howard, Robert Menzies, Capt James Cook, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Bob Brown exclaims in an interview on Today Tonight that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, Labor in conjunction with the Greens draft the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighbourhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2011.

Peter

[peter991]

Aussie version of Creation

In the beginning God created day and night.

He created day for footy matches, going to the beach ..... And BBQ's ...... He created night for going prawning, sleeping And BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Second Day, God created water .... for surfing, swimming and BBQ's on the beach, and God saw that it was good.

On the Third Day God created the Earth to bring forth plants to provide malt and yeast for beer and wood for BBQs, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fourth Day God created animals and crustaceans for chops, sausages, steak and prawns for BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Fifth day God created a Bloke to go to the footy, enjoy the beach, drink the beer and eat the meat and prawns at BBQ's, and God saw that it was good.

On the Sixth Day God saw that the Bloke was lonely and needed someone to go to the footy, surf, drink beer, eat and stand around the barbie with.

So God created Mates, and God saw that they were good blokes, and God saw that it was good.

On the Seventh Day God looked around at the twinkling barbie fires, heard the hiss of opening beer cans and the raucous laughter of all the Blokes. He smelled the aroma of grilled chops and sizzling prawns and God Saw that it was good .......

Well .... Almost good .....

He saw that the Blokes were too tired to clean up and needed a rest

So God created Sheilas to clean the house, to bear children, to wash, to cook and to clean the Barbie, and then

God saw that it was not just good .....

It was better than that, it was Bloody Awesome!

IT WAS AUSTRALIA !!!!!

:

[peter991]

The "Australian" newspaper, over a period of weeks sought entries for a "Great Australian Yarn".

This was the winner:

Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar.

One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"

"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie."

"Oh yeah .... and what route are you takin'?"

"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

[peter991]

Indian mystery solved

Finally, someone has cleared another Curry Munching mystery up for me ...

For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion,

but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.

On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a:-

A - Taxi licence in Adelaide

B - Convenience store in Melbourne

C- Service station in Perth,

D- Kebab shop in Brisbane

E- Take away cafe in Sydney

If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra and Optus customers in

Australia.

There, its finally revealed!

[Chris Lawrence]

Now that is clever

[peter991]

Proud to be a Queenslander

After having dug to a depth of 3 metres last year, Melbourne scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 6 metres, and shortly after, a story published in the Sydney Morning Herald read:

"New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Victorians".

One week later, the Courier Mail in Brisbane , Queensland , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 10 metres in his pasture near Beenleigh , Queensland , John Brown, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely <deleted> all. John has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Queensland had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be a Queenslander!

[Chris Lawrence]

A woman applying for a job at a Queensland lemon grove seemed to be

far too qualified for the job.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had

any actual experience in picking lemons?"

She replied: "I've been divorced three times and I voted for Rudd.

[peter991]

Subject: Biology Exam

A student completed his biology exam last Friday.

He was asked to name something commonly found in cells.

Apparently, "Abos" is not the right answer.

[peter991]

BREAKING AFL NEWS - Collingwood to Merge with Richmond!!!

In a shock announcement, Richmond president Garry March and Collingwood president Eddie McGuire held a joint press conference this morning announcing that due to significant financial pressures on both AFL sides, they intend to merge for season 2011, allowing the AFL to avoid the bye with the introduction of GC17 and providing Collingwood and Richmond fans with a sustainable, profitable and powerful football operation.

No details have been released as yet however it is believed the side will be known as the Tigerwoods and will <deleted> everybody and everything.

[peter991]

I just got the kids a new swimming pool ...

[peter991]

Only in Australia ...

Col, the Country Lawyer, ran across an old client, an aboriginal lady, who was beaming from ear to ear, outside of the Alice Springs Courthouse.

She was carrying a sheet of corrugated iron under one arm and a slab of VB (Victoria Bitter beer) under the other.

'G'day Mary', says Col, 'What are you looking so happy about today?

'Just bin to da Fambly Court Col, about my deevorce, and look, I got half da house and half da contents!!

.

.

[peter991]

Australia Post created a new stamp displaying a picture of the current Prime Minister of Australia, Mr Kevin Rudd and has recently suspended a recall of the stamps as requested by the Prime Minister after a special commission enquiry finding.

The Prime Minister was told that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes and the enraged Prime Minister demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing, and spending $1.73 million, a special commission presented the following findings:

1) The stamp is in perfect order.

2) There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3) People are spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

[Robby nz]

A CATTLE DOG STORY

Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard into his office one day and said "Julia,

I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win the country voters".

"Good idea Leader, how will we go about it"? said Julia.

"Well", said Rudd, "we get ourselves one of those Driaza Bone coats, some RM Williams boots, a stick and an Akubra hat. Oh, and a blue cattle dog. Then we'll really look the part. We'll go to a typical old outback country pub, we'll show we really enjoy the bush".

"Right" said Julia.

Days later, all kitted out and with the requisite blue heeler, they set off from Canberra in a westerly direction. Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for and found a typical outback pub.

They walked in with the dog and up to the bar.

"G'day mate", said Rudd to the bartender, "two middies of your best beer".

"Good afternoon Leader", said the bartender, "two middies of our best coming up".

Gillard and Rudd stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to whoever came into the bar for a drink. The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old stockman, complete with stock whip. He walked up to the cattle dog, lifted its tail with the whip and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar. A few moments later in came another old stockman with his whip. He walked up to the dog and lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.

Over the course of the next hour or so another four or five stockmen came in and lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually, Rudd and Gillard could stand it no longer and called the barman over.

"Tell me" said Rudd, "why did all those old stockmen come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it an old outback custom?"

"Strewth no", said the barman. "Someone told 'em there was a cattle dog in the bar with two <deleted>".

[Jai Dee]

Taking the dog for a walk - Alice Springs style

[Nignoy]

Residents of Dalby a small cotton town in queensland, are delighted when they were informed the study period for an eye test has been cut to 7days, and the study period for a bloodtest has been dropped altogether

[Robby nz]

Something from the Austrine dictionary.

GOING FOR A McSh1t

Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food,

you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff

member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food after

AEROPLANE BLONDE

Lady with blonde hair and a black box

AUSSIE KISS

Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

BADLY PACKED KEBAB

A vulgar (but still excellent) term for the female genitalia.

BEER COAT

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise.

BEER COMPASS

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a

booze cruise, even though you're too pi$$ed to remember where you

live,

BOBFOC

Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BREAKING THE SEAL

Your first pi$$ in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking.

After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the

toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of

the night.

BRITNEY SPEARS

Modern Slang for 'beers', e. g. "Couple of Britneys please,

Doreen".

BRUCE LEE

Erect nipple (as in, a hard Nip).

BUDGIE'S TONGUE

Female erection

DRINK-LINK

A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it

is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

ETCH-A-SKETCH

Trying to draw a smile on a woman's face by twiddling both of her

nipples simultaneously.

FLOGGING ON

Surfing the Internet for some left-handed websites.

SSSSSSSSSSHHHH1111111111111TTTTTTTTTTTTTT

The sound made when driving through too narrow a gap at too high

a speed.

GREYHOUND

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

HAND-TO-GLAND COMBAT

A vigorous masturbation session.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent

who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the

badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear

to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES

The contents of a Wonderbra, i. e. extremely impressive when

viewed from the outside, but there's actually <deleted>(k-all in there worth

seeing.

MONKEY BATH

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo!

Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MUMBLER

An attractive girl in tight shorts or jeans, etc. i. e. you can

see the 'lips moving but can't quite make out what they're saying.

MYSTERY BUS

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in

the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive

people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come

back in.

MYSTERY TAXI

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before

you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a

10-Pinter in your bed instead.

NELSON MANDELA

Rhyming Slang for 'Stella' (the lager).

PEARL HARBOUR

Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl

Harbour out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO AR$E

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like

she's got 4 buttocks.

SALAD DODGER

An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

STARFISH TROOPER OR AR$ETRONAUT A homosexual.

SWAMP-DONKEY

A deeply unattractive woman.

TART FUEL

Bottled Alcopops, e. g. Hooch, regularly consumed by young women.

TITANIC

A lady who goes down first time out.

TODGER DODGER

A lesbian.

UP ON BLOCKS

Menstruating i. e. out of action, a bit like a car in a garage.

e.g. "I don't think I'll be in luck tonight lads, the missus is

up on blocks".

WALLACE AND GROMIT

Rhyming Slang for 'vomit'.