The original Swiss army knife.

Pretty much every forum.

Helen Keller and her beloved cat Mittens

Helen Keller and her beloved cat Mittens

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and some say I have a sick sense of humour.....

Helen Keller and her beloved cat Mittens

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and some say I have a sick sense of humour.....

Why?

The OTHER people of Walmart.

Helen Keller and her beloved cat Mittens

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and some say I have a sick sense of humour.....

Why?

She is blind - does that help?

My Missus is always complaining about her lazy son.

I said to her "Yes, he's a real lazy son-of-a-bitch!"

She got angry and slapped me

I don't understand women, I was agreeing with her after all.

Helen Keller and her beloved cat Mittens

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and some say I have a sick sense of humour.....

Why?

She is blind - does that help?

Blind, deaf, and dumb. Triple whammy.

What is the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

What is the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

Along the same lines....

What's the difference between an elephants arse and a post box?

Don't know??

Well I won't be sending you to post a letter then will I?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

And the ubiquitous.....

What's the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with the light on!

Talking of elephants.................

How many elephants can you get in a Mini?

Four, two in the front and two in the back.

How many hippos can you get in a Mini?

None; it's already full of elephants.

What did the cow say to the farmer?

Can you stop playing with my t1ts and <deleted> me!

A husband comes home from work and sees a guy hammering his wife and says " hey honey look, that guy thinks he's me"

Superman was talking to Batman at the superheroes convention.

"On my way here," he says "I was flying past Wonderwoman's flat when I looked through the window and saw her lying stark naked on her bed with her legs apart. So I fly in through the window and give her one."

"Really," replies Batman "was she surprised?"

"Yeah," says Superman, "but not as much as the invisible man was!"

ANY LIVERPUDDLIANS HERE?

A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child

benefit.

"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.

"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,

"Ten?" says the welfare worker.

"What are their names?"

"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan

and

Nathan"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out

playing in the street, I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!'

or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.”

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious

welfare

worker.

"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

A Liverpool girl enters an adult shop and asks for a vibrator.

The man says: "Choose one from our range on the wall."

She says "I'll take that red one."

The man replies: "That's a fire extinguisher."

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?

A. Granny.

Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?

A. The bride.

Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?

A. A bus shelter.

Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is

driving?

A. The policeman..

Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?

A. Father's day

Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?

A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just
got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for
his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big
black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long
but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on
their Overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're kidding me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well, you started it!'


Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a
suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.

While we are picking on them :

A scouser walked into a bank wearing a balaclava, walked up to a teller and said "Give me all the money this is a f&%k up"

Teller says "You mean its a stick up"

No says the would be robber "Its a f&%k up, I left my gun at home"

A taxi passenger touched d driver on shouldr 2 ask smthng

Driver screamed, lost control of the car, went up on the footpath & Stopped few centimeters frm a shop

The driver said:
“Don’t ever do that again, u scared me”

Pasengr apologized n said:
“I didn’t realize a litle touch wud scare u so much”

Driver replied:
“Sory, it’s nt ur fault
its my 1st day as a Cab driver, I’ve been driving a van carying dead bodies for last 25 yrs;-)

Who remembers some of the ols Spike Jones songs, I hope I get these words right.

What a mouth

what a mouth

what a north and south

blimey what a mouth he's got

the poor old sod was a near sighted fella and thought his mouth was a cellar

and he shoved

the lot

right into his mouth no joke

now the poor old soul's got belly full of coal

and he coughs up lumps of coke, oy.