Need Advice

[girlx]

i love my thai boyfriend, but we have serious communication problems. we can talk about anything and everything but 'us'. he simply refuses to answer questions- he'll literally sit and stare stupidly. he thinks i am too "straight" (direct) and therefore rude, but it's how i know to communicate... to me i just want to know if he is going to start pitching in for things or if he wants to move to another apartment or if he wants to sleep with other women (why haven't we had sex in weeks) or why he won't help me whenever i need someone to translate something in thai for me, what are his future plans etc... etc. i feel like i am abusive or something after 3 years together, because he runs off to hide and mope like a baby whenever i bring personal stuff up. is this how thai men are? i feel more like his mother... don't they believe communication is important? tips?

[sbk]

Well, it took me about 5 years before I could get my husband to communicate. It helps if you do it in a non-confrontational, non-argumentative way. Do not try it when you are angry or frustrated with him. Wait until you feel calm and have had a chance to reflect on what is really bothering you, then talk to him about how YOU feel, not about what you think is wrong with him. Bring up exact situations as examples, propose some solutions. Then reaffirm how much you love him and how important this relationship is to you.

Helpful hints for any guy, farang or thai

[girlx]

As suggested, I am posting this topic here for advice, though it may be moved to a more appropriate forum.

I was seeking information on some sort of couples counselling in Thailand, as were some other people...

I have a thai spouse. I love him, but the cultural differences in communication have become a huge barrier to our success together. I communicate like a westerner, which means I am very direct. If there is a problem, I tend to want to solve it by talking it out. He, on the other hand, does not want to talk about anything personal, and if he does, he will just tell me what he thinks I want to hear to save face. I do not understand his reactions to things. He seems to think I am abusive and crazy by trying to sit him down to discuss. He has gone so far as to disappear for days rather than talk. This is hurtful and mystifying to me, as my intentions are totally good. I have tried being less direct, but I find this very repressive and I don't get anything solved by it.

I am sure there are other thai-farang couples out there with this same problem. Got any advice? Know any counselors who can deal with both sides? Should I just give up and get a farang boyfriend?

Thx

[tutsiwarrior]

with my wife I find that any request to discuss things when she is upset to be futile...don't know if it is just her or an 'Asian' thing. Normally she is not upset easily so that this is not a big problem for us. What I have done is to try and identify all the things that piss her off and then do the needful...

I wouldn't think that having a counselor present would have any effect...then your husband would be losing face to two people rather than one. Maybe the Asian wifey approach would be more efficacious than the western 'in your face' angle in order to preserve household harmony...

[girlx]

with my wife I find that any request to discuss things when she is upset to be futile...don't know if it is just her or an 'Asian' thing. Normally she is not upset easily so that this is not a big problem for us. What I have done is to try and identify all the things that piss her off and then do the needful...

I wouldn't think that having a counselor present would have any effect...then your husband would be losing face to two people rather than one. Maybe the Asian wifey approach would be more efficacious than the western 'in your face' angle in order to preserve household harmony...

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

right i have thought of that, but what is that approach? there are some instances in which my partner has to take some responsibility for himself- how do i convey that to him if not by talking?

[Boon Mee]

In the West, "talking it out" works, I guess. But I've never heard of a marriage counsler or such in Asia.

It's just a different culture & society - so much easier to accept it as it is.

[girlx]

In the West, "talking it out" works, I guess.  But I've never heard of a marriage counsler or such in Asia.

It's just a different culture & society - so much easier to accept it as it is.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

yes but i am being taken advantage of sometimes. there has to be some sort of compromise in every relationship. are you saying i should just accept it or leave?

[tutsiwarrior]

girlx...I'm afraid that taking responsibility for one's actions is a western concept not well understood in Asia...

[Boon Mee]

In the West, "talking it out" works, I guess.  But I've never heard of a marriage counsler or such in Asia.

It's just a different culture & society - so much easier to accept it as it is.

yes but i am being taken advantage of sometimes. there has to be some sort of compromise in every relationship. are you saying i should just accept it or leave?

Basically, yes, if you're going to live in Thailand. You sure won't change the cultural baggage he's got, coming from a society that's over 2,000 years old.

Edited March 9, 2005 by Boon Mee

[aughie]

Read thru the posts in the Ladies forum. Private message one of the women you feel you can talk with about the problem. Discussing the problem in general terms in an open forum won't help. Get specific with other gals married to thai men.

Good luck.

-a

[taxexile]

with my wife I find that any request to discuss things when she is upset to be futile

same in the taxexile house.

i learnt very early on that timing is everything and aggressive in your face western style arguing it out doesn't work.

it only results in the silent treatment , a punishment worse than burning at the stake.

thais rarely see themselves as at fault and its best to adopt the thai way of not noticing the things that your spouse does that annoy you , or if you do notice them , then just let them wash over you.

not easy for westerners.

i know thats no answer to your dilemma , but its the best i can do .

Edited March 9, 2005 by taxexile

[tutsiwarrior]

yes, yes...The Silent Treatment...the thai ladies' response to polite disagreement...

[Boon Mee]

It's not a culture that accepts criticism.

[girlx]

It's not a culture that accepts criticism.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

hmmm. then i guess i am not cut out for this. i feel like i am dealing with an infant.

[tutsiwarrior]

childishness is a characteristic that many falang husbands complain about regarding their thai spouses...

[Darknight]

It's not a culture that accepts criticism.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

hmmm. then i guess i am not cut out for this. i feel like i am dealing with an infant.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Every relationship can be difficult .

But i feel as a woman you could benefit more from other western women married to thai spouses , so i'm moving this thread to the ladies in thailand forum.

Have a talk with sbk or Boo

/moved

[Abandon]

Read thru the posts in the Ladies forum. Private message one of the women you feel you can talk with about the problem.  Discussing the problem in general terms in an open forum won't help.  Get specific with other gals married to thai men.

Good luck.

-a

Got to agree there - open forum is likely to be pretty rough.

allexperts.com is quite good. Also try the number I gave before.

[girlx]

Read thru the posts in the Ladies forum. Private message one of the women you feel you can talk with about the problem.  Discussing the problem in general terms in an open forum won't help.  Get specific with other gals married to thai men.

Good luck.

-a

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

sorry all... this has been moved twice now, the same question now appears twice in this ladies' forum.

Edited March 9, 2005 by girlx

[Girlfrombar]

are you also close with his friends?

sometimes speaking thru friends is good solution

and friends are good messenger! (more & less)

but just simple friend's talk

not that serious complain

[girlx]

are you also close with his friends?

sometimes speaking thru friends is good solution

and friends are good messenger! (more & less)

but just simple friend's talk

not that serious complain

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

i have tried that, but his friends seem to mind their own business (as they should) and don't talk to him about stuff

[Boo]

girlx, This is going to sound hard but...

If after 3 years together why has this situation not resolved it self yet? You should at least have an idea of how to communicate with your husband or if not, what have you been doing for the past 3 years?

The reason I ask is I wouldn't be with my husband now if things hadn't improved in the first few months as it was too emotionally draining & I don't think that one person should do all the compromising. (Me)

Hubby & I had loads of problems in the beginning with communication, arguments, language differences, cultural differences etc but now, after just over 3 yrs together we get on just fine & can communicate on a way that suits us both. It's true that the softly softly approach works much better on asian men & that keeping your cool will get you far but you should also be able to lose it some times (in private of course) and get some kind of response.

A very good thai couple of ours helped us in the beginning as I was experiencing the same problems as you, sulking, no response, he would even just walk out of the room whilst I was talking (how annoying is that!) & my thai female freind, after one really bad row, sat him down & explained that westerns tend to speak about things where thai tend to keep it in & that in her opinion our way was better, as it meant that you could get all your problems out in the open & move on but thai way was to keep it in & then fester on it for ever & that wasn't good for anyone. (think feeding ducks, kept in until the woman cracks )

It took a few more months for him to feel comfortable with this way but now shouts at me in arguments & we can have a real debate about the problem as apposed to just festering with it but it has also meant that we now very rarely have an argument as he isn't too sensitive if I take a snap at him for something stupid (pms ) where as before he would have felt very hurt & sulked which in turn would have wound me up & caused a big row. I in turn have learnt to calm down a bit before talking to him about something if I am annoyed & to not use English wit & slang to much as he doens't fully understand it & then thinks I am making fun of him

I really hope you can sort this out but if your husband isn't willing to compromise or at least listen to you then IMO he isn't a very good husband. (sorry if that sounds hard but do you want to live your life like a doorstop forever?)

Best of luck with everything & I hope you keep posting here, if only as a place to vent

[Darknight]

Read thru the posts in the Ladies forum. Private message one of the women you feel you can talk with about the problem.  Discussing the problem in general terms in an open forum won't help.  Get specific with other gals married to thai men.

Good luck.

-a

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

sorry all... this has been moved twice now, the same question now appears twice in this ladies' forum.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I merged the threads toghether now, please don't start multiple topics.

Thanks

[girlx]

you're totally right boo, by now it should have resolved itself somewhat. he has just disappeared for a week though so i suppose it is resolved.

the thing is, i am the only one who has ever tried. he seems to think i have to conform to his culture, but he doesn't have to try to understand or accept mine. i have always told him if that is the case, then he really needs to find a thai wife, not a farang.

if he is not willing to work things out because he can see it is making me crazy and that should matter somewhat to him, i guess the best thing to do is to let him go. i can stay here because i love the country and do things on my own. but it's sad, because i do care about him, he's such a big part of my life here, and i think he does care about me- he just handles things like a child and i can not take it for long without some sort of compromise.

i hope this is not the norm for relationships in thailand.

[Boo]

I don't think it's the norm but I do think that you have a particually stubborn man there. The choice is yours & how ever much you love him, you have to decide if you can live with him, like this, for the rest of your life. If you can accept that he will never change & be fine with it then good luck to you but you obviously can't as you have posted this on an open forum which proves to me that you must be near the end of your tether.

I don't know what advice I personally could give to you (as I know what I'd do if my man pissed off for a week without a word ) but would suggest telling him that unless things are going to change then he might loose you & see what his reaction is, cause if that didn't make an impression then he obviously doesn't care about your feelings as much as you do about his & he would have made the descision for you I hope it doesn't come to that & that you can find a way but in the end, it takes two people to make a realtionship work & if one is only doing all the work, then is it a real relationship??

[Kringle]

LEAVE

[Vit42]

girlx, your problem is part cultural differences and part emotional maturity. The later part is not particular to thai men (or women), so being in a relationship with someone who doesn't know how to resolve arguments won't be fixed by having a farang bf. Although, a farang might be easier to communicate with for you.

The cultural aspect is the difficult part although i don't think it's unique to just thailand. Thais (and many other asian ethnicities) are less likely to be confrontational, even amongst themselves. Although this is definitely not the norm, it's quite common, to answer your question.

If all he wants is for you to put up with his ways and he's unwilling to compromise, then i'm afraid there's not much you can do. Continuing to appease him will only make your life more miserable. If he really does love you, he would be willing to meet you half way to make it work with you. Being thai shouldn't limit one's intelligence from learning how to be a better person.

There's plenty of good guys out there but they are difficult to find. How do i know?, i'm one of those guys and thai! Keep searching for what you want and don't settle for anything less.

[girlx]

thanks. i like you. got any hot friends or brothers who think like you?

(joking, sort of)

[Vit42]

Step 1: straighten out your current relationship one way or another.

Step 2: before you rebound, take some time to figure out what you want in a relationship and how to get it.

Step 3: if you're interested i can maybe introduce to some eligible guys, depending upon your profile and preferences.

I'm not a dating service but i've been successful at setting up many of my friends with good matches (farangs, thais, chinese...). PM me your "wish list" and your profile and i'll see what i can do. To be fair i'd also provide you with my profile too, so you can see that i'm a real person, although i'm takened!

[bina]

two things:

1. in the gay forum they discuss the 'moody thai' syndrome but actually it was a rather good thread about the sulking, not talking thing

2. i am a verbose but not very hot hearted person; i have learned after two and a half years, that forcing the man to 'tell me what the problem is' made the sulk last longer; i learned to go about my own business, not ignoring him, but not pressing the point, and eventually, the whole story would be brought out, ususally involving small things that i hadnt noticed but really bothered him (the thai group are getting too drunk, time to go home, he mentioned that maybe my kids were waiting for dinner as a clue to me, i was supposed to get the hint, i missed the clue and i didnt go home fast enough before the other guys would make comments, or whatever.....)....

in my eyes, most of the guys (thai workers) seem to have what i would consider 'childish' reactions to things (they remind me of my 15 yr old son), taking insult to things very quickly, etc often not speaking one to an other for days or weeks, and then, sometimes w/third party (puen, or 'older brother' )interference, and sometimes just with time, they are suddenly talking again...

when i press to know what the problem is, the anwer is usually, 'mai chop puut mak' (dont like to speak a lot)... so, patience, try to be a little thicker skinned, just skip it....or try in a non straight manner to work around to eventually get to the subject (he may bring it up in a zigzag manner ) to try to understand what happened... it takes lots of energy and the willingness to work puzzles out piece by piece since it does seem that thais dont straight out say things but give clues that we dont always catch on too... if u dont enjoy riddles and puzzles, well, either he has to change or u have to get out cause it could make a person crazy dealing w/long silences and no real answers ever... i know cause it used to make me nuts; the more i confronted, and eventually yelled, the more 'clammed up' he became, etc until he would just walk off in the middle, and i like to resolve things same day... i've learned and actually it helps me deal with other people's 'temper tantrums' or whatever; jai yen yen , count to ten in several languages, and then speak or not... prevents a lot of really stupid fights doesnt matter what nationality

BTW israelis are big on confrontational , screaming emotional etc so it took a while

[sbk]

Bina, I am glad to say my husband is nothing like your description. (too bad there isn't a smilie for Whew! wiping brow at the same time).

I didn't "force" him to discuss things with me but he was smart enough to learn that the relationship wasn't going to last if it was all on his terms. He quickly learned to compromise and has learned over the years the benefits of discussing things before they turn into huge problems. We still have blow ups (usually family related ) but they are always resolved without resorting to insults, screaming, sulking or the silent treatment. Perhaps different mens' reactions vary according to class, education?? I don't know, just know that your above description is nothing like my husband and never has been (even from the beginning). (key in smilie wiping brow again )