Married To A Falang

[Forethat]

Why can't OP just sit in the corner and not mix? Why doesn't he give us some examples of what his in-laws don't like about him or want from him? What if OP was deaf and did not speak? Are all deaf Thai people castigated from Thai society because of their inability to properly communicate? Of course not.

If I had to make a random guess, the family probably wants money and OP is in denial and does not want to let that piece of the puzzle slip.

99/100 times when I read this story on Thai Visa it's about money.

i think the op stated that he met one woman abroad and she is a different person now that she is in her home country, imo this is not too difficult to take at face value. as others have posted she is now on her home turff and you are no longer the guru she depended on when you were abroad. I think your suggestion to move to a a different country is sound advice but the the real catch is that she is home near her mother and Thais really have a thing for their mothers which is a big can of worms, if you love her and she loves you she will deal with them looking at you as an outsider, if you love her deal with being an outsider as this will never change. Have a couple of kids and they will accept the situation more then now but you will still be an outsider. If you want real peace get a new woman who is not tied to her mother.

Just want to make two points very clear :

- Abroad I wasn't the "guru", we were equals. Our relation is based on this premise

- Her family doesn't need my money, they're actually more wealthy than I am, by far !

Actually it seems to be a matter of "who is the boss". Her mother seems to be the "head' of the family. I challenge that, not that I want to be the "boss" but I can't accept she's going to rule my life.

Unfortunately, between I and her mother, I don't think my gf is ready to challenge the family tradition.

Did it ever occur to you that in their minds, you're living proof of their daughters failure. While you were living abroad it never became obvious, now it is.

If you're dealing with a wealthy family you simply have to accept the tragic fact that you're trash. And you were saying you're challenging the mother who is the head of the family?

Good Luck!

[JurgenG]

Did it ever occur to you that in their minds, you're living proof of their daughters failure. While you were living abroad it never became obvious, now it is.

If you're dealing with a wealthy family you simply have to accept the tragic fact that you're trash. And you were saying you're challenging the mother who is the head of the family?

Good Luck!

Forethat, is your life so boring that you have nothing better to do than waiting for my posts ?

Get a life, buddy, get a life

[james24]

I know how the O.P feels. Ive taken ages to get into Thai society but two things to remember that have helped me.

1. Remember this is Thailand and it is different and there's nothing we can do about it no matter how much we think about it.

2. Be yourself, dont ever try to be Thai. If you do this you will subconsciously adapt to the things you like about the culture. One of them will probably include learning to let go of unecessary stress which will help in every aspect of your everyday life.

If you are yourself your confidence will also make you feel a hell of alot better and this wll rub off on the people you meet, which in turn will make everyone more happy.

I do however think there is an ignored epidemic regarding unstable mental illness going on in this country so don't expect a comfortable conversation with everyone, but, I am judging by the signs we would look for in the West.

Follow the signs, no matter what situation you're in and you'll be fine.

[Forethat]

Did it ever occur to you that in their minds, you're living proof of their daughters failure. While you were living abroad it never became obvious, now it is.

If you're dealing with a wealthy family you simply have to accept the tragic fact that you're trash. And you were saying you're challenging the mother who is the head of the family?

Good Luck!

Forethat, is your life so boring that you have nothing better to do than waiting for my posts ?

Get a life, buddy, get a life

Tragically enough, this is probably exactly the attitude causing your MIL to think of you as trash. And on top of everything you challenge her? You need to learn how to control your speech and your thoughts, I have given you a solid example for how to achieve this, I urge you to give this some thought.

Here is a nother tip for how to work on anger management and poor impulse control (something that never works well, but especially not in LOS:

Meditation

[gburns57au]

I take it you are staying in the mothers house??

Thailand is a Matriarchal society, the mother is usually the head of the house. You are maybe staying in her house and challenging her status, even though they are wealthier than you, because you come from a patriarchal type of society. This is P*****g the Mother off and your GF is getting earache from her.

And you wonder what the problem is??

Find a place of your own if you are staying there.

Even if you are are not staying in Mums house, then try showing a bit of respect to the Mum when you visit.

[Forethat]

Even if you are are not staying in Mums house, then try showing a bit of respect to the Mum when you visit.

And while you're at it - include TV members in the new habit!

[TAWP]

I'd be happy if he only replied to my posts asking for more info...

[Loz]

Add the following to your reading list if you want to salvage the relationship but, I think we both know it's going the other way. The books are still well worth a read.

The Prince (16th Century)

The Art of War (6th Century BC)

Seminal works indeed.

If you have to ask for the author's names, you are not ready to read these books.

[james24]

Why can't OP just sit in the corner and not mix? Why doesn't he give us some examples of what his in-laws don't like about him or want from him? What if OP was deaf and did not speak? Are all deaf Thai people castigated from Thai society because of their inability to properly communicate? Of course not.

If I had to make a random guess, the family probably wants money and OP is in denial and does not want to let that piece of the puzzle slip.

99/100 times when I read this story on Thai Visa it's about money.

i think the op stated that he met one woman abroad and she is a different person now that she is in her home country, imo this is not too difficult to take at face value. as others have posted she is now on her home turff and you are no longer the guru she depended on when you were abroad. I think your suggestion to move to a a different country is sound advice but the the real catch is that she is home near her mother and Thais really have a thing for their mothers which is a big can of worms, if you love her and she loves you she will deal with them looking at you as an outsider, if you love her deal with being an outsider as this will never change. Have a couple of kids and they will accept the situation more then now but you will still be an outsider. If you want real peace get a new woman who is not tied to her mother.

Just want to make two points very clear :

- Abroad I wasn't the "guru", we were equals. Our relation is based on this premise

- Her family doesn't need my money, they're actually more wealthy than I am, by far !

Actually it seems to be a matter of "who is the boss". Her mother seems to be the "head' of the family. I challenge that, not that I want to be the "boss" but I can't accept she's going to rule my life.

Unfortunately, between I and her mother, I don't think my gf is ready to challenge the family tradition.

Did it ever occur to you that in their minds, you're living proof of their daughters failure. While you were living abroad it never became obvious, now it is.

If you're dealing with a wealthy family you simply have to accept the tragic fact that you're trash. And you were saying you're challenging the mother who is the head of the family?

Good Luck!

Trash....? Why is that?? I know Thai families both in the Uk and in Thailand who are extremely rich and would never ever think that about someone due to their ethnicity. Two of which have children who are dating white people.

I do however agree that challenging the MIL is a bad idea. I also think you shouldnt put your girl in that type of position.

It really does sound that the relationship has run its course, which does happen in life and is normal.

Move on and dont drive yourself bonkers trying to find things to blame to soften the blow. It is hard but nothing including hard times last forever

[fletchsmile]

I met my Thai wife in Thailand. However, we've lived in different countries to Thailand throughout Asia, depending on where work took me. I wouldn't swap her for anyone in the world. It was hard work though across cultural gaps, particularly in the beginning, but these days although there is still a gap, it doesn't divide us, and is perhaps even something to allow us become closer by being mindful and respectful of each others differences.

3 of the many key parts of the solution IMO:

You will NEVER BE ACCEPTED in Thai culture and society. Learn to accept that and you can be happy. Try and fight it to be part of society and equal etc etc and you'll wind up bitter. Accept Thai society is hierarchical. You will ALWAYS be outside that hierarchy. You will, however, be politely tolerated in most circles.

One of the most important factors in any relationship is trust. Extending trust creates trust, even when you don't fully understand culture or situations. Avoid criticising Thai culture or "my culture is better than your culture", In the early days at least, Thais will very rarely allow you to win that battle, and even then won't accept you've won

Make some decent expat friends, who you can share experiences with, and among whom you can simply be yourself, and liked for who you are. It's nice to have Thai friends, but many relationships with Thais will be superficial for quite some time.

BTW Make an effort to learn some decent Thai, as well as the "correct" pronunciation of the word "faRang". Thais like to judge people based on appearance as well as the particular Thai accent you pick up. A foreigner with a Bangkok accent will be tolerated in most circles. A foreigner with an up country accent may unfortunately be looked down upon by other areas. Sad but true

Edited December 12, 2010 by fletchsmile

[craigt3365]

Bina's post was right on. My ex was from a wealthy family. I did OK, but nowhere near their level of income. The MIL drove a Rolls and had to be the head of the family. She was #1, her kids #2, and us son in laws were way down the list...probably behind the family dog. It was her family that ultimately caused our failure. They lived only a short distance away and there was always something going on we had to attend. Birthdays, holidays, family gatherings...always well dressed and having to act way too proper. We got married late in life and the MIL wanted grandkids...I did not...so that was the end of that.

My village is about 3/4th's mixed marriages.

Howd that happen?

Right on. Most of the mixed marriages in my village are doing quite well. A few are not, but no different than anywhere else in the world. For most of us, life is great here in Thailand with our Thai wives!

i think the op stated that he met one woman abroad and she is a different person now that she is in her home country, imo this is not too difficult to take at face value. as others have posted she is now on her home turff and you are no longer the guru she depended on when you were abroad. I think your suggestion to move to a a different country is sound advice but the the real catch is that she is home near her mother and Thais really have a thing for their mothers which is a big can of worms, if you love her and she loves you she will deal with them looking at you as an outsider, if you love her deal with being an outsider as this will never change. Have a couple of kids and they will accept the situation more then now but you will still be an outsider. If you want real peace get a new woman who is not tied to her mother.

Just want to make two points very clear :

- Abroad I wasn't the "guru", we were equals. Our relation is based on this premise

- Her family doesn't need my money, they're actually more wealthy than I am, by far !

Actually it seems to be a matter of "who is the boss". Her mother seems to be the "head' of the family. I challenge that, not that I want to be the "boss" but I can't accept she's going to rule my life.

Unfortunately, between I and her mother, I don't think my gf is ready to challenge the family tradition.

I think getting along with wealthier families in LOS is much more difficult than ones who are poor. As has been mentioned before, it is looked down on for rich Thai girls to marry farangs. Exactly the opposite for poor Thai girls are you are a walking ATM...and if not, at least you are taking care of their daughter.

But even with the poor girls, the mother is #1. I have come to live with that and hope to be #1 at some point in my life!

It's one reason I won't live any closer than I am now to her family. 6 hours by car. Any closer and it just would not work. I am head of my house, and my life. Nobody else.

Best of luck, JurgenG!!!!!

[wasabi]

dump her NOW AND go for the upgrade or get a few mia nois

[gburns57au]

Why are people putting the blame on the GF.....She is merely caught in the middle.

The problem is the OP who is reasonably well off is not accepting of the GF's wealthier mother's status as head of the house.

He needs to adjust his attitude if he wants continue in the relationship. Heseems to have very little insight of the nuances of Thai society as is indicated by his other post.

[OxfordWill]

Yes, I have experienced this and know others who are experiencing it. You can either leave her or become more Thai. In my case I became more Thai, learned the language, learned how to act/react appropriately, to the desired outcome- after which I realised I didnt much enjoy fitting into the Thai society and would rather stick to its outskirts. We broke up sometime after that and I have never dated a similar girl since. The problem then is you are limited to the pool of women who have decided to "go farang", and this comes with its own host of unique problems.

Edited December 14, 2010 by OxfordWill

[jazzbo]

I have no advice ... just sounds like he's prepping for an appearance on Oprah Winfrey...

[digibum]

I agree with you up to a point. I don't agree that the OP should just walk away. There are alternatives. For instance, getting his gf out of Thailand again. It just depends on how much she's committed to the relationship. He's said she prefers to stay in Thailand but I'm not sure if he's indicated that it's a deal breaker.

But, the part I agree with you on is that I'm reading this as the parents pretended to accept the OP but did so with the intent on undermining the relationship later (as in now). I have a friend going through something similar. Family is hiso and very well connected and the family does not like him in any way. To the point he's received threats from the father who is a powerful enough guy to carry them out if he felt he was losing the battle. None of their REAL objections to him have anything with how well he does or doesn't fit into the culture. They just don't want their daughter married to a working-class farang. They have a status to keep up and it would be a loss of face for their daughter not to marry some hiso Thai guy (or maybe a uber-rich farang).

I keep telling him that this is never going to work out but he won't listen. I've watched this go on for several years now knowing that in the end she'll eventually have to make a choice and that choice is going to be to honor her parents. Unless the parents cave in (and there are no signs that they will) eventually she's going to have to dump him and do what her parents want. And the longer it has dragged out the more you see him coming to that realization as well. He spends more time drinking when he's not with her, can't seem to drink without getting scarily drunk (as in, waking up on bus benches), etc.

So I can see why you say walk away but I think OP at least has the chance to get her outside of their direct influence again. They might mellow a bit when it becomes obvious they've lost direct control. They might even learn to accept it eventually. But right now, they know they're holding all the cards and there's no reason to give in as long as they can undermine the relationship on a daily basis.

I suspect that the issue is not that the OP fits in or does not fit in but rather the reality of the family pressure his g/f is under.

If the g/f's family are hostile to the relationship, and it seems from what the OP tells us they are, then she would have to be very strong willed and self assured to stand up to the pressures her family are almost certainly putting on her.

Yes mixing as much as you can and absorbing as much of Thai culture is always a good idea, but I know several foreigners living happy married lives in Thailand who make little or no effort to assimilate - and as I've often argued you can't possible start to respect other people and other people's cultures until you respect yourself and your own culture fist.

I'll repeat what I've said before on this subject - Every single time I've heard a Thai person make an accusation of a foreigner's behaviour not being the 'Thai Way' or in some sense contradictory to 'Thai Culture' the root problem has never ever ever been behaviour contradictory to Thai culture or Thai ways.

My advice, cut your losses and move on, you're on a hiding to nothing with the 'best possible outcome' being that you subjugate your own behaviour and needs to what your g/f is telling you is demanded by her interpretation of Thai culture. - In short form, you'll wind up pussy whipped - Don't believe me, look around you.

Call Game Over while you're ahead.

[Loz]

Yes, I have experienced this and know others who are experiencing it. You can either leave her or become more Thai. In my case I became more Thai, learned the language, learned how to act/react appropriately, to the desired outcome- after which I realised I didnt much enjoy fitting into the Thai society and would rather stick to its outskirts. We broke up sometime after that and I have never dated a similar girl since. The problem then is you are limited to the pool of women who have decided to "go farang", and this comes with its own host of unique problems.

An Honest and Flawless post.

Hats off to you, sir!

:jap:

[XXpate48USA]

I agree with you up to a point. I don't agree that the OP should just walk away. There are alternatives. For instance, getting his gf out of Thailand again. It just depends on how much she's committed to the relationship. He's said she prefers to stay in Thailand but I'm not sure if he's indicated that it's a deal breaker.

But, the part I agree with you on is that I'm reading this as the parents pretended to accept the OP but did so with the intent on undermining the relationship later (as in now). I have a friend going through something similar. Family is hiso and very well connected and the family does not like him in any way. To the point he's received threats from the father who is a powerful enough guy to carry them out if he felt he was losing the battle. None of their REAL objections to him have anything with how well he does or doesn't fit into the culture. They just don't want their daughter married to a working-class farang. They have a status to keep up and it would be a loss of face for their daughter not to marry some hiso Thai guy (or maybe a uber-rich farang).

I keep telling him that this is never going to work out but he won't listen. I've watched this go on for several years now knowing that in the end she'll eventually have to make a choice and that choice is going to be to honor her parents. Unless the parents cave in (and there are no signs that they will) eventually she's going to have to dump him and do what her parents want. And the longer it has dragged out the more you see him coming to that realization as well. He spends more time drinking when he's not with her, can't seem to drink without getting scarily drunk (as in, waking up on bus benches), etc.

So I can see why you say walk away but I think OP at least has the chance to get her outside of their direct influence again. They might mellow a bit when it becomes obvious they've lost direct control. They might even learn to accept it eventually. But right now, they know they're holding all the cards and there's no reason to give in as long as they can undermine the relationship on a daily basis.

I suspect that the issue is not that the OP fits in or does not fit in but rather the reality of the family pressure his g/f is under.

If the g/f's family are hostile to the relationship, and it seems from what the OP tells us they are, then she would have to be very strong willed and self assured to stand up to the pressures her family are almost certainly putting on her.

Yes mixing as much as you can and absorbing as much of Thai culture is always a good idea, but I know several foreigners living happy married lives in Thailand who make little or no effort to assimilate - and as I've often argued you can't possible start to respect other people and other people's cultures until you respect yourself and your own culture fist.

I'll repeat what I've said before on this subject - Every single time I've heard a Thai person make an accusation of a foreigner's behaviour not being the 'Thai Way' or in some sense contradictory to 'Thai Culture' the root problem has never ever ever been behaviour contradictory to Thai culture or Thai ways.

My advice, cut your losses and move on, you're on a hiding to nothing with the 'best possible outcome' being that you subjugate your own behaviour and needs to what your g/f is telling you is demanded by her interpretation of Thai culture. - In short form, you'll wind up pussy whipped - Don't believe me, look around you.

Call Game Over while you're ahead.

I agree with cutting your losses no matter how hard it may be. I have decided that is best for me. Thai culture is the only one (it seems) that matters. I know we live in thailand but they are married to a decent falang with his own culture to try and ignore as much as he can in iorder to live onmong'st your thai wifes family. My MIL and FIL both are running the show and my decisions are not taken into account even when I am the one paying the bills for the home, food elec etc. I just can't accept it anymore being on the level as the family dog with a "smile" from the family only. My thai wife seems to have a lot more respect for what even her brother wants or needs rather than my needs, which are very small...Privacy etc....I can't take the being lied to anymore to extract a little more from me while they think I am just a dumb falang willing to give all my finances away in order to better thier lives. I won't let anyone run my life anymore. If my wife cares and loves me, she will be willing to move to out own home . Ihave a beautiul comfortable home in USA that is paid for and have everythign we need and even travel back to visit often,. Wh would I want to live in an uncomfortable home in the country where the most comforatable char is a hardwood one. I think it is just not worth it anymore. I feel sorry for my wife as she feels the need to help all her brothers even though they are older than her etc. She is the youngest and one brother especially keeps at her with asking her for money from me for whatever reason they can come up with......It's just too hard esoecially not being able to speak thai good yet.....never any privacy and always someone coming or going.....with the father being head cheese. .....it's a tough one, but one that will drive you nuts trying to keep tying to figure out what is going on and what scam is planned for more money.......I'm gone and it is just a sad thing that these family memember feel the need to squeeze me as much as possible.......just don't know.....

[XXpate48USA]

I agree with you up to a point. I don't agree that the OP should just walk away. There are alternatives. For instance, getting his gf out of Thailand again. It just depends on how much she's committed to the relationship. He's said she prefers to stay in Thailand but I'm not sure if he's indicated that it's a deal breaker.

But, the part I agree with you on is that I'm reading this as the parents pretended to accept the OP but did so with the intent on undermining the relationship later (as in now). I have a friend going through something similar. Family is hiso and very well connected and the family does not like him in any way. To the point he's received threats from the father who is a powerful enough guy to carry them out if he felt he was losing the battle. None of their REAL objections to him have anything with how well he does or doesn't fit into the culture. They just don't want their daughter married to a working-class farang. They have a status to keep up and it would be a loss of face for their daughter not to marry some hiso Thai guy (or maybe a uber-rich farang).

I keep telling him that this is never going to work out but he won't listen. I've watched this go on for several years now knowing that in the end she'll eventually have to make a choice and that choice is going to be to honor her parents. Unless the parents cave in (and there are no signs that they will) eventually she's going to have to dump him and do what her parents want. And the longer it has dragged out the more you see him coming to that realization as well. He spends more time drinking when he's not with her, can't seem to drink without getting scarily drunk (as in, waking up on bus benches), etc.

So I can see why you say walk away but I think OP at least has the chance to get her outside of their direct influence again. They might mellow a bit when it becomes obvious they've lost direct control. They might even learn to accept it eventually. But right now, they know they're holding all the cards and there's no reason to give in as long as they can undermine the relationship on a daily basis.

I suspect that the issue is not that the OP fits in or does not fit in but rather the reality of the family pressure his g/f is under.

If the g/f's family are hostile to the relationship, and it seems from what the OP tells us they are, then she would have to be very strong willed and self assured to stand up to the pressures her family are almost certainly putting on her.

Yes mixing as much as you can and absorbing as much of Thai culture is always a good idea, but I know several foreigners living happy married lives in Thailand who make little or no effort to assimilate - and as I've often argued you can't possible start to respect other people and other people's cultures until you respect yourself and your own culture fist.

I'll repeat what I've said before on this subject - Every single time I've heard a Thai person make an accusation of a foreigner's behaviour not being the 'Thai Way' or in some sense contradictory to 'Thai Culture' the root problem has never ever ever been behaviour contradictory to Thai culture or Thai ways.

My advice, cut your losses and move on, you're on a hiding to nothing with the 'best possible outcome' being that you subjugate your own behaviour and needs to what your g/f is telling you is demanded by her interpretation of Thai culture. - In short form, you'll wind up pussy whipped - Don't believe me, look around you.

Call Game Over while you're ahead.

I agree with cutting your losses no matter how hard it may be. I have decided that is best for me. Thai culture is the only one (it seems) that matters. I know we live in thailand but they are married to a decent falang with his own culture to try and ignore as much as he can in order to live omong'st your thai wifes family. My MIL and FIL both are running the show and my decisions are not taken into account even when I am the one paying the bills for the home, food elec etc. I just can't accept it anymore being on the level as the family dog with a "smile" from the family only. My thai wife seems to have a lot more respect for what even her brother wants or needs rather than my needs, which are very small...Privacy , logic, pragmatism with money!....I can't take the being lied to anymore to extract a little more from me while they think I am just a dumb falang willing to give all my finances away in order to better thier lives. I won't let anyone run my life anymore.

If my wife cares and loves me, she will be willing to move to out own home . I have a beautiful comfortable home in USA that is paid for and have everything we need and even travel back to visit often,. Why would I want to live in an uncomfortable home in the country where the most comfortable chair is a hardwood one. I think it is just not worth it anymore. I feel sorry for my wife as she feels the need to help all her brothers even though they are older than her etc.(and working) She is the youngest and the one brother especially keeps at her with asking her for money from me for whatever reason they can come up with......It's just too hard especially not being able to speak thai good yet.....never any privacy and always someone coming or going.....with the father being head cheese. .....it's a tough one, but one that will drive you nuts trying to keep trying to figure out what is going on and what scam is planned for more money.......I'm gone!! and it is just a sad thing that these family members feel the need to squeeze me as much as possible.......just don't know.....

I might ad that bringing my wife to America does not seem to be an option as most scenerio's I read and I have read many and talked with many falang's that have taken thier thai wife back home. It seem the average is they can only stay for 3-4 months before becoming homesick and missing thier family etc. Also you are placing yourself into a very tangly situation as you do have to fill out the affidavit of support which means that if things go bad and does not work out, she can go and get free legal help to take half of your assets and half of everything. Not to mention if she ends up with government help, it is you that will foot the bill/s and lawyer fee and it does seem to happen quite often. I know in the UK many falang's this has happened to and have lost eveything. You better be darn sure your wife is very trustworthy and does loves you SURE. Money is number 1 always remember in Thailand everything is a business deal including marriage. I wish it was different but of course every woman needs security and to feel secure finacially but not by such tactics as coming to your homeland just for a green card. My wife says if she comes to america it is that if she comes she wants to work. I am thinking, it is not to be with me but to gain and work.(that's fine)but I want a wife that would come to America to be with her loved one(husband) should be the reason....am I not right?....I have no problem with my wife working but if this is the only agreement of coming to America, then it does tell you a lot!!

I am the kind of man that would make darn sure my wife was taken care of if something happened to me and she would not have to worry about being broke when I died. I have a decent income and nice home and want both of us to be happy but when money is the number one thing, then I think your marriage is broken even before it started. A husband and wife should be there for each other and take care of each other as it should be. Today my wife told me she needed an extra 5k baht for life insurance. I asked what company is it and who is the person/s insured. She explained she is paying for life insurance for her one brother and she says it is 25k per year and is due now. I asked what company and she said it is Thai and is in Bkk. Her brother is married and why wouldn't it be his wife that would receive or be the benifficiary???? My wife said she is or would get the money if her brother dies. ...Now, why am I paying for her brothers life insurance?.....OR is she paying for a life insurance policy for ME?...ahhh.....I knew this sounds fishy to me and I was never informed of this before etc. I told her well, I can maybe pay it with my credit card and to give me the claim number and company name. Well, I can't seem to get a name or number or any information and she claims that only she can pay it herself.

Now, I know everyone reading this can pretty much get a grip on what is happening here. Since I have not returned to be with her because of the lies and the statement "I die soon" when she is angry, do I feel comfortable going back to be with her and her family?

what a crock or load of manure I am getting. It is pretty clear that I am being duped and conned. I have tried to rationalize any truth in most of these claims(denial) for needing money but I have been sticking my head in the sand even by explaining any of this on this blog. as anyone can see or understand how illogical all of this is. Is there something wrong with me knowing what I am paying for and any details of claim numbers etc. and the contract(supposdly) for a truck loan she borrowed on(she can't drive). I have asked to get a copy of that loan contract too but nothign as of a 10 months........what's your thoughts?......same as mine? why am I hanging in there trying to believe a load of rubbish?.....why don't I just run fast?...........am I not authorized to see any of the legal papers i.e. loan contracts, insurance policys etc. ????....just send the money?...yikes....I know it is all bullS__t and what I don't get is how can someone be that devious as to what it is they need the money for. ...ughhh........any ....are there other falang;s that hear this same type of story's??....

My thoughts are, if I go back to Thailand there is a very good chance I won't be coming back to America. The only way my wife stands to gain is with an insurance policy and an accidental accident of me....We have bought nothing in thailand together and we have no kids together(we are legally married). Would you go back??? or keep sending money to a lady/wife you can not trust?....Has Thailand become so corrupt and needy as to stoop to any level to get money?....my gut says run and run fast......what say you????..

[dogleg]

^ my gut says have a PI check that she wasn't already married when you got hitched and isn't shacked up with a "brother" while you are away. (Sounds like you need a break away anyway)

[dogleg]

Jurgen, sorry mate, my take is that she has decided it's over, you are the last to know, and she is happy to let anyone else have the blame.

Take it on the chin and wish her well.

[XXpate48USA]

^ my gut says have a PI check that she wasn't already married when you got hitched and isn't shacked up with a "brother" while you are away. (Sounds like you need a break away anyway)

apreciate the input, Dogleg, surely! I know for sure she was never legally married since her id card says "miss" and I also know she was married with the thai ceromony way and not legal. I know her X has a new gal and they have split for sure. Although there is one "cousin" that seems to call very frequently and seem all too interested in my wife. I have met him and he seems like a likeable guy but his wife ran off with a falang and now he is single etc. He does stop at her house alot and call alot. It seems most of the so called "cousin's" are men. No lady cousin's seem to call. She says he stops to say hello to her parents....hmmm...they are 80 and could be true, but there ya go, now no one knows what the truth is!!!...at least me

All I know is I had forgiven the fact I was told she had no children before we met and I forgave that fact because I understand Thai culture seems to see women that have had a child or been married and "used goods:" so i did forgive that and was no problem. It's just the fact that the lies never end. I know she has begged me to return for many months now and I have just waited to see if there were going to be anymore lying going on . I like to know what is what and what is true and not true before I take the time and expense to go through it again.

This last excuse to get the extra 5k on top of the 10k I already had sent for the so called "insurance plicy on her brother" which I know is just bunk. I reversed the already money transfer and just haven't answered the phone in two days and have basically given up on this marriage. It is not the easiest thing but with my situation it is the best for sure. As I said before, I am very easy going and willing to help anyone and especially my wife since I did love her and I had done many nice things for her and her family but it is never apreciated it seems. I keep hearing "other falang's take better care and build homes etc. One thing I forgot to mention was this sin sod thing has been mentioned from the very get go and I know that should have been my first red flag. She has already gotten one sin sod before on her last marriage.

I don't hold anything again'st her because I can understand how being poor and always having to find a way to get money could have a way of making you very skillful at lying or making up a story to get what is needed. I guess I was not mean't for living in Thailand as I did come with an open mind and open heart and not for the sex trade etc. Just a new life and new experience. I spent all my time with her as she did with me. But the need always for "yellow gold" and new this or that before we were even settled into a comforatable home is just a little silly. And saying I need to pay her 25,000baht per month when I am with her is a little rediculous in my mind. I don't like feeling like I am paying for a wife. I told her we can share eveything with no problem, but she wants the 25k to spend as she wishes and the bills are mine....ughhh..let's see 25,000baht is $760US. I don't even spend that on myself after bills on a normal basis......gold digger? or normal Thai wife?....considering the avwerage wages in Thailand is about 10kbaht...

I do hate to cut her off right before Christmas and let her find her way , but she does have her family and brothers, parents and cousins all around her. Not to mention the one brother that owes me for the loan, she told me she had to borrrow from him the other day......WHAT??.....why did she have to borrow from a guy that owes us/me 13,000baht?? that was supposed to be paid back in 7 days? so I think it is best to do as most would do and cut my losses and move on.....sad story and hard to do but yes, that's the right thing to do now! No one can have a happy marriage when everything is one sided and no trust what so ever.If she can't come to the usa to be with me even for half the time then what's the problem?....of course she says she will, but doing it is another story........................and yes, I do need the break!!!.................thanks again for the input!!:jap:

[XXpate48USA]

Jurgen, sorry mate, my take is that she has decided it's over, you are the last to know, and she is happy to let anyone else have the blame.

Take it on the chin and wish her well.

Jurgen, you are right on the money!!!.........that's what I decided was the right thing to do. Although now I have a legal marriage to deal with.....and I know getting a divorce I would have to return to Thailand. I am not sure what my chances of her getting half of my pension in a thai court. We were married legally at the amphur!! can a thai court hold any water in the usa?? as far as suggesting spousal support??.....I have no plans of ever getting married again!!,,,..ughhhh....naive falang....

[Loz]

most heart warming thread. its better than 'a christmas carol' and maybe will save some victims next year. bravo!

[AnnyLing]

I am Thai-Chinese, my husband is American. My family never accepted him. Not because of some misbehaviour but because his income is less than a million Dollars a year. Thats why we sold our home in BKK and moved to Singapore. We (both) visit my family often on weekends and everybody seems to be happy.

[TacoBoy]

my gut says have a PI check that she wasn't already married when you got hitched and isn't shacked up with a "brother" while you are away.

This is the case in the majority of Thai women's lives. Ever heard of the words "Geek", "Shoe", or "Pua Noi".

If she has any number of these or Tilacks, the family will never lose face and tell you.

They will always stand behind the Thai side of things and the Farang will be the one on the outs.

Even taking care of family etc will not protect you.

Learn this lesson well my friends.

Better to rent than to buy here in Thailand.

[saraburioz]

jURGEN - Can you speak Thai?

I met my wife in Italy - she was on holiday. However, she spoke fluent English due to a secondary education in England.

My point - she feels very comfortable in Oz or USA as she speaks the language. I feel comfortable in Thailand as I speak Thai fluently. It was torture when I first moved here when I couldn't understand everything that was said around me. How on eath can one integrate into a society if one can't speak the language?

[XXpate48USA]

jURGEN - Can you speak Thai?

I met my wife in Italy - she was on holiday. However, she spoke fluent English due to a secondary education in England.

My point - she feels very comfortable in Oz or USA as she speaks the language. I feel comfortable in Thailand as I speak Thai fluently. It was torture when I first moved here when I couldn't understand everything that was said around me. How on eath can one integrate into a society if one can't speak the language?

You are lucky! My wife does speak a little and enough for us to communicate and I speak only a few words I have learned Cowpat..<smile> and sawadee krup and khap khun krup and that's the extent of my Thai to date. Yes, I felt very out of place around all her family with them speaking thai and I not being able to talk with them although they tried(a little) She pretty much left me by myself while she ran around doing this or that which I thought was a little rude on her part not staying close to help me communicate. She also slammed be a couple times in thai in front of her brother and one nephew. It was obvious because she was angry at me because I was trying to explain what was needed for building the room I was paying for etc. I wanted to buy the materials but she seemed insistant on letting her 21 year old nepew go with us to pick up 10 paint brushes and a whole galllon of iol paint for 1(One) small door. Also I paid for a 500baht foor knob which seemed to disapear and no one seems to know what happened to it. ..ya right?..hehe...it got taken back and exchanged in my book. Also, I had to buy the masons tools etc. They were taken and gone after the sloppy job that I was told a bid of 8000baht but ended up 16,000baht. This of course was her nephews friend that did the job. No clean up and job done sloppy and paint all over the floor. I had wanted to do the job myself as I had been building houses in my earlier years and knew what I was doing. How does one room need 10 paint brushes???....pleeez..!!.....talk about getting taken to the cleaners...haha....That was one reason I needed to live in CM anf NOT with her family.......I was basically pushed aside as far as my reccomondations untill time to pay for it all.....hows that for "thank you"?.......ughhh........it does feel hard to integrate with the language barrier for sure......very uncomfortable. ...

[XXpate48USA]

most heart warming thread. its better than 'a christmas carol' and maybe will save some victims next year. bravo!

Yes, Loz, heartwarming for sure! maybe more like enlightening!! but if this little story helps another FOB naive falang then I suppose it is good. This little lesson all together, I would say cost me close to 800,000baht not to mention the loss of dignity and self image letting this all happen..

I wish most of the storys were on a high note from us falang. It does seem that this is a relatively regular type story of a falangs experience in LOS. I just wish generosity and jai dee were seen for just what it is, and not as stupidity. But on the other hand, it is their learned culture whether it is good or bad is not for me to decide. All I know is my little part and a few from some others. I do realize that many falang/thai marriages are or become happy after settling in for awhile and both try to understand each other and it takes hard work from BOTH.

It's time for me to move along and just try and forget and also rebuild what self respect I lost along this little journey. I don't hold any grudges and understand that is just how it is in the land of Los.

I will point out one thing I am sure about. Thailand as far as living and marrying into a thai/falang marriage and assimilating and have it all work is for only a select few type of people. For the rest of us, a visit or tour would be the best bet as there is quite a difference touring and living in Los.......Merry xmas and thanks for your input, loz.......

[XXpate48USA]

I am Thai-Chinese, my husband is American. My family never accepted him. Not because of some misbehaviour but because his income is less than a million Dollars a year. Thats why we sold our home in BKK and moved to Singapore. We (both) visit my family often on weekends and everybody seems to be happy.

Annyling,

you did the smart thing and am happy your story turns out good!

for some reason the family will destroy an otherwise happy marrriage. Sad but all too often!

Money should not be the "first factor" in any marriage or a way of judging people. People should be judged on who and how they are to others . All people have different incomes and that's just the way it is. It says nothing about who that person is or how good they are. Only you know that!!....stay happy!!

merry Christmas and happy New year!:jap: