Are You A Compulsive Cheater?

[Wes Turner]

Some people are more serious about their relationship or marraige than others are.

My relationship is like most I have had, a ######ing joke, but she has her good moments and bad moments and moments where she flirts and talks to other men with a smile on her face - go figure.

So if thinking about it is as bad as doing it I am just saving my brain power.

[OZONE]

I've often wondered if all people are cheaters? I know myself I can be a very good guy for about 2-3 months of time then the next thing you know I'm out cheating wether it be with a woman, man, Thai, Farang or whatever! Sometimes I think it's the copious amounts of booze guzzled that night or day or whenever it happens.....But at other times there's no drinks and most of the situations are some what bizarre (like when room service gets ordered and the drinks come and next thing you know wham bam thank you man, as the other is out shopping) You know times like that.

So is it just me or is everyone a dawg cheater like me???

Why would you be proud of this act anyway? and why bother to stay married. The possiblity of you contacting disease are high and you may infect your wife/lover. Sick in the head you are.

[Wes Turner]

I'm out cheating wether it be with a woman, man, Thai, Farang or whatever!

Do you screw animals too?

[meom]

I've often wondered if all people are cheaters? I know myself I can be a very good guy for about 2-3 months of time then the next thing you know I'm out cheating wether it be with a woman, man, Thai, Farang or whatever! Sometimes I think it's the copious amounts of booze guzzled that night or day or whenever it happens.....But at other times there's no drinks and most of the situations are some what bizarre (like when room service gets ordered and the drinks come and next thing you know wham bam thank you man, as the other is out shopping) You know times like that.

So is it just me or is everyone a dawg cheater like me???

Why would you be proud of this act anyway? and why bother to stay married. The possiblity of you contacting disease are high and you may infect your wife/lover. Sick in the head you are.

Nice avatar Ozone

[kat]

But if you are honest with your partner from the start about your philandering ways, surely this is no longer 'cheating'?

If no lies are involved, is it not possible to love the girl whilst still being open to other sexual liasons?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I understand what you and Dustoff are saying above, but I find this is a lot harder to sustain in reality. I am only that non-possessive about someone when I don't really care if they cheat or not, and if that is the case, why would I be in a relationship with them? I would be too susceptible to the attention of others who were capable of focusing on me a lot better. Because, I think that's what it comes down to - focusing. And to be honest with you, it's my personal belief that this ability separates the men from the boys.

In a relationship, I think it's safe to say that a woman needs to feel emotionally secure, which affects everything, including her sexuality towards you. If I'm going to end up constantly distracted by someone's distractions, I'd much rather cut them loose and wander around myself, or find someone who can focus. I just can't be bothered with the kind of headaches that come from a partner with a roving eye or constantly shifting intentions What a turnoff.

I agree with Dustoff that the motivation behind the expectation of monogamy is a slightly selfish one, and to some extent stems from people's insecurities. However, i also realise that one of the reasons for people embarking on relationships is a need for emotional fulfillment and security, and consequently the inherent self interest is understandable.

I agree Kat that very few people, in reality, can manage their intimate personal relationships with the degree of freedom that Dustoff and his partner are open to embracing, without one of the individuals feeling dissatisfied or unhappy if this freedom is regularly acted upon.

While i find that in principle i like what he says, i doubt my own ability to attain the depth of connection and intimacy that one day i will want from a relationship, while maintaining a more open stance. This is because i think it would be very rare that you will ever quite get 100% from a partner while you are engaged in affairs, however fleeting, and i'm not sure that i could invest 100% if the roles were reversed.

Do i suffer from jealousy and selfishness? Probably. Does it have anything to do with love? Maybe only the fear of losing it, and somebody you care deeply for, which kind of answers the first question. With any luck i still have a long way to go in life, maybe i can cure myself of such vices.

You sound like a very intelligent and reasonable person. Don't worry Eddie - I wasn't trying to imply that YOU were a turnoff

...

However, if our roles were truly reveresed, and she in fact was the bread winner, made vital/final decisions in our living, was head of the household, proved herself to be a responsible adult who was able to fend for herself without dying of solitude, and was in a position to take responsibility for her actions---good or bad

then yes I would obliged to accept her 'adult' decision to do as she pleases.

This pretty much sums up why this is a pointless discussion. You've keyed into the fact that relationships are not really symmetric, but rather complementary. You have expectations, your partner has expectations, and the relationship "works" when these expectations are all satisfied.

An intimate relationship is between the people involved, and it is THEIR expectations which define the rules. Only he/she can decide if there has been a violation. I'd go back to the beginning and define "cheating" as trying to violate the rules while hiding this violation. We can answer whether we tried to hide something, but it is the other party who answers whether their expectations were violated.

Likewise, you cannot assert what expectations the other party should have; you can only commit to whether you will meet those expectations or not. Where it all goes to hel_l is when people have unusual expectations and/or presume commitments that were not intended. Of course, this happens all the time because we are too lazy and finite to be enumerating all of our conditions and expectations at every interaction. I think a mature person realizes that such assumptions are governed by norms in society, and you had better be damned explicit when you start shrugging off such norms as irrelevant, lest the other party expect normal behavior of you.

This post actually makes the most sense to me.

*edit: however I have to add that there is no way that I can identify with what Green Wanderer was saying.

Edited January 26, 2006 by kat

[thaibebop]

All you guys and gals who classify yourselves as loyal, loving, non-cheaters, please leave the forum and go and polish your halo's. They're looking a little tarnished.

Let me ask you this: You are sitting in a crowded room/bar with your partner by your side. You look across at a most attractive person on the other side of the room/bar.

Do you mentally undress that person? Do you imagine yourself in bed with that person and making U turns under the sheets? Do you find such thoughts stimulating?

Is there a difference in physical cheating as opposed to mental cheating?

Do you fantasies about others whilst making love to your partner?

Honest answers required, no cheating please.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

So, you think that everyone is really just an animal who has no hope of controlling themselves what so ever, becasue lust is...what....just too strong, or our will is just too weak?

Ya know I have had desires to kill people that have been my enemies. I would say that I had a lust that wanted to be fed and killing that person who pissed me off would do it. I never killed anyone. I was able to control myself same as when I walked away from a "sure thing".

So, thoughts are thoughts, as long as they stay that way they have not effected the world around the person thinking them. The minute that person acts based on those thoughts, even it is just speech, those thoughts now take on another form of reality one that is based on the world we share. Do not confuse thought and action, it is that same mistake of confusing lust for love, they are two separate things.

Yeah I have had desires to kill certain people to, And I did. But I guess thats all part of being in combat and all.

To say we are weak or any other reason we use is just a way not to accept responsibility for our actions.. No One forces us to cheat... We all have that decision to make for our selves.. Are you agreeing with me, because that is what I said?

Personally I think, if you cheat on your partner, you never really loved them in the truest sense, as if you did, you would never want to cause them hurt or humiliation.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I think differently. If you don't allow your partner to cheat, you never really loved them in the truest sense, as if you did.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Sounds like typical male mumbo-jumbo to justify letting the little head do the thinking

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

No no no, I'm absolutely not a typical male.

So are you saying your coming out?

[greenwanderer108]

However, if our roles were truly reveresed, and she in fact was the bread winner, made vital/final decisions in our living, was head of the household, proved herself to be a responsible adult who was able to fend for herself without dying of solitude, and was in a position to take responsibility for her actions---good or bad

then yes I would obliged to accept her 'adult' decision to do as she pleases.

So, have you married a child?

She is older than me buy one year. She calls me dad just as I call her mom.

Greenwanderer108,

"However, if our roles were truly reveresed, and she in fact was the bread winner, made vital/final decisions in our living, was head of the household, proved herself to be a responsible adult who was able to fend for herself without dying of solitude, and was in a position to take responsibility for her actions---good or bad

then yes I would obliged to accept her 'adult' decision to do as she pleases"

LOVE IT! I.e., I guess there are no consequences to your behavior as long as you have economic control--but there are consequences to her behavior--ie, you'll kick her out if she cheats--consequences she cannot live with, so she doesn't cheat. But if she doesn't care if she gets kicked out (i.e., she can pay her own way) you'll let her stay, even if she cheats.

Neither of you actually cares about the other--You're in it for the control, and she's in it for the money. AN ABSOLUTELY CLASSIC TRADE-OFF, and so clearly stated!

I've stated to her countless times...If she is not happy with the 'trade off', she is in all right to leave me and find a more fulfilling life. I would argue that her attachment is emotional and psychological. BTW, I'm not some filthy rich farang that she depends on. I do make salary three times as much her salary, but in no way is she financially dependent on me. I'm stating that I have been independent adult (making my own living, working, etc.) much longer than her, while she has only just started, into her second legit job after graduating (parent paid) college.

This is a matter of prestige. Prestige is earned. And no way am I limiting/preventing her from realizing her potential to gain the same prestige. If anything I'm motivating her. For example, my work/lifestyle allows me to sleep in, work from home, late nights, while she only just entered the workforce as a laborer/civil servant expected to clock in/clock out , etc. I've already been there/done that and earned my rights/freedom not to have to put up with that.

Same goes with the relationship. I am equipped to emotionally/psychologically support/take responsibility for more than one partner. That is my prestige. She is barely stable to emotionally support herself, let alone someone else. If she chose to engage in another relationship, it would be devastating, she would be confused...likely misleading that party aswell as herself. I am someone who can live up to my actions, whether to my family, friends, or whoever. She hasn't yet worked up to that prestige, still a a girl who has to answer to someone else (i.e. family, me, etc.). Thus, she hasn't earned the prestige to live with the consequences of her actions.

You can say all you like about control factors and the like, but who are you to judge what love means to us or anyone else in Thailand...I'm no slave trader and in no way forced her to be/stay with me. She knew my past/character before she got involved and chose/chooses to look past that. Let me remind you something, This is Thailand, not your happy Farang land in a box..where one life is expected despite the dynamic human nature of the heart.

[jbowman1993]

So is it just me or is everyone a dawg cheater like me???

Its just you.

[Oye at Home]

"I do make salary three times as much her salary, but in no way is she financially dependent on me. "

I do apologize! I thought you had stated that you were the "breadwinner?" Just what DO you mean by "breadwinner," then?

"You can say all you like about control factors and the like, but who are you to judge what love means to us or anyone else in Thailand...I'm no slave trader and in no way forced her to be/stay with me. She knew my past/character before she got involved and chose/chooses to look past that. "

Again, I apologize! And I'm sure she'll still be there if you stop being the breadwinner, and while continuing to sleep around...because.... she really cares about you? Well, whatever it is she's getting from you, if the trade-off works for the two of you, be my guest!

"This is Thailand, not your happy Farang land in a box..where one life is expected despite the dynamic human nature of the heart. "

No, it is not happy Farang land in a box, where-ever THAT may be. But it's not about being in Thailand, or about the human heart being dynamic. It's about consequences. There are none for your sleeping around, or at least none that you can't deal with. There are consequences if she sleeps around that she cannot deal with. Therefore, you sleep around, she doesn't. It's that simple!

And believe me, women are just as tempted as men. Those who do not sleep around, don't because of the consequences (and it may be a different set in each case). And women who are physically attracted to the men they care about really DO care if they sleep around.

Edited January 27, 2006 by Oye at Home

[enemedin]

Its all normal.

we are bored with ourselves > so the need to do something else that gives exctiment is there.

it's very nice at time to go with someone else, when your partner does not know it.

the ability to hide all the proofs, is also interesting part of the game.

Kwam Lap nakap !

[bkkjames]

Its all normal.

we are bored with ourselves > so the need to do something else that gives exctiment is there.

it's very nice at time to go with someone else, when your partner does not know it.

the ability to hide all the proofs, is also interesting part of the game.

Kwam Lap nakap !

that's 4 years between the previous post and yours mate, did you just come out of a coma or cheated last night and felt like getting it off your chest.

[cdnvic]

as stated... it's half a decade old

/closed