Farang Women With Thai Husbands/partners?

[sarab00n]

Hi ladies,

think there are quite a few of you here with Thai male partners, but just interested to know how many actually speak Thai with their other half? My husband doesnt speak much english and my thai progressed really fast so now its mostly thai around the house. Im finding myself really frustrated lately that I cant seem to get across how i feel (especially with a newborn and the postnatal blues)... just feel that im not understood 100% and if we have a fight and im upset about something i dont think he really quite gets how upset i am or why. part of that is cultural though, i know. sometimes there arent words in thai to explain things we could say easily in English.

just wondered if there are any women in the same boat? maybe just the postnatal blues talking but its been getting me down recently. we dont have a perfect relationship by any means but we got pregnant and care about eachother so are trying to make a family work out for the baby's sake. sometimes i think having a discussion with a good translator would solve alot of our problems as crazy as that sounds!

[TommoPhysicist]

Thais don't like to 'fight' in the same way western people do.

I've found it extremely counter-productive and try to avoid doing it at all times.

[sbk]

didn't know you were a farang woman with a Thai husband Tommo. Seems to me OP is asking for specific advice so perhaps you should try dealing yourself out of this one until she otherwise asks your opinion, cheers.

[sarab00n]

Thais do fight differently and they fight about different things to us too. I wish fighting was unproductive but its actually the opposite - i can ask him nicely to do something a 100 times and he wont but if i get annoyed then he snaps to action lol. unfortunately tho weve got into a habit and ive been trying lately to express the things i think we both need to work on in our relationship and i just dont think there are ways to express in Thai how important i think it is that we change these things in our relationship, or how upset I am over something going on in my life. its really frustrating and i feel like we're hitting a wall and that its not going to work out. so im wondering if any other thai/farang couples communicate in Thai and have some advice? hope that makes it clearer what Im asking advice about.

[sbk]

Afraid we never communicated in Thai, he spoke fluent English when we met so there was never that barrier. However, the idea that "Thais don't like to fight" can pretty much be applied to anyone. I don't like to fight. I am not Thai.

However, I do think it is possible to express ones feelings and needs without resorting to screaming arguments. My husband had to learn to talk about his feelings and to listen to mine. Relationships are a two way street, something that many men seem to have difficulty with regardless of where they come from, and if you are going to live here then you both going to have to learn to compromise He needs to learn that you need certain things and you need to learn that his needs are different. It is possible to have these discussions and to work things out. but you both need to learn how to do it in a way that is equally acceptable and to understand that this is a necessary process for the marriage to work

[swlondonmum]

Hi - my husband and I have always spoken English as we met in tha uk and lived there during most of our relationship. But I just wanted to say that it sounds like you need some support that you can't get from your husband. Do you have anyone else who can support you - on your terms (I say this because there are big differences in how babies and children are brought up in Thailand and the west and sometimes you need to do things your way) Do you have female friends.? Any from your country? Or at least western females? If not, can you speak to friends at home? people on this forum? It can be very isolating with a newborn in a foreign country without the support you need at this time and you need to take care of yourself.

If I am honest I have often found it hard bringing up a child with a Thai husband as there are so many things that are different but I was 'lucky' in that we were in the uk until our son was 3.5yrs so it was easier in that I could do more things 'my way' (and I spent most of the time looking after him, so that made sense, though of course I was open to Thai ways of doing things too and hubby has some family in the uk to support him). If our son was born here I honestly would have gone nuts with all the (well intentioned, I know!) advice and old wives tales.

I think any issues between you are not down to just one thing but part language, part culture and part individual.

Good luck and take care of yourself :-)

[CanadianGirl2]

My husband is fluent in English so that's what we speak at home. When we're out with friends we speak Thai and English. (broken Thai on my part)

I agree with swlondonmum's advice.

Also, like you said, perhaps a good translator might help. Or a good Thai family therapist.

[sunspun]

you are certainly not alone. my husband and i have been together for 8 years and it took a long time for us to understand each other. i was only focused on him not meeting my needs, until i realized i wasn't meeting his. i spent a lot of time telling him exactly what i was feeling and what i needed, right down to saying things like 'when i am sad, you need to put your arm around me and ask what is wrong'! i also asked him what he needed from me, which helped get communication rolling (my need) and let him know i respected his feelings as well (his need).

and i didn't talk out every single detail or issue - like i wanted to. i let him have his peace on some subjects, unless it was something really important to me or really bothering me. it takes time. moving to my country helped a lot too. his english vastly improved and he understood my culture a lot better. we speak both in thai and english, but when it comes to serious stuff it's always english. we too have a newborn so i understand really what you are going through. i think the best advice i can give you now is to give him his space with some things, and he'll be less likely to push away for the important things.

also, if you want to talk baby stuff, i'm not in thaland at the moment, but feel free to pm me

[sarab00n]

i spent a lot of time telling him exactly what i was feeling and what i needed, right down to saying things like 'when i am sad, you need to put your arm around me and ask what is wrong'!

lol can relate to that, ive had similar chats with him.

thanks so much for everyones replies and advice - this is a really helpful forum.

i hope there is hope for my husband and i. we got pregnant after just a few months and so barely had time to get to know eachother and understand eachother, before all the stress hit. and for me trusting him is a big issue too- i know he'd never cheat on me, its not that, but white lies dont seem to be such a big deal to thais soi dont know when im being told the truth about big things.

[heatherm]

I totally agree about explaining to him exactly what to do step by step for some situations. I had the same talk with my husband about putting his arm around me if I'm feeling down. I also told him to say "It will be alright". It baffled him, he asked how could he say that if he didn't know the future. I told him it didn't matter, I just needed to hear it. He said, "But what if I am wrong?!". He still doesn't get it.

I'm also finding it difficult to talk about the relationship. He takes everything very personally so he gets upset if he thinks I'm saying he is doing something wrong. He didn't have much lady experience before we met so he's pretty much clueless about all women. He's never lived outside of Thailand so only gets western culture from movies and tv. The biggest thing that helps me is when we are watching a movie or show and I see the guy on screen do something nice, like give his gf a hug when she is crying instead of running and hiding or squeezing her hand under the dinner table, I point it out to him and say "I like that". Sometimes we rewind it so he can see it again and I can explain what/why he should do. There is no blame involved so it works for him. I've found it's much easier to tell him what to do to make me happy than tell him what he is doing wrong.

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[sarab00n]

The biggest thing that helps me is when we are watching a movie or show and I see the guy on screen do something nice, like give his gf a hug when she is crying instead of running and hiding or squeezing her hand under the dinner table, I point it out to him and say "I like that".

yes! ive totally done that before - he's not big on romantic surprises and he got me some jewelry as a christmas present and was so excited he came straight home (1 month b4 christmas) and gave it to me, so i had to explain how nice it is to have a surprise on christmas day... these days when he says "i have a surprise for you!" i have to repeatedly remind him not to tell me what it is lol. i think the funniest one was when we watched the backup plan while i was pregnant and there were so many things i pointed out as nice things to do - like when her guy goes to brush his teeth before trying to kiss her lol (the smell of thai food really turned my stomach while preggers).

ive also had to show him that westerners need to say thank you when they do things for eachother so the other person knows theyre not taken for granted- he doesnt really get this as thais dont believe you need to keep thanking your loved ones.

Edited January 11, 2013 by sarab00n

[sarab00n]

I've found it's much easier to tell him what to do to make me happy than tell him what he is doing wrong.

on a positive note ive been astounded at how willing he is to change and do these things - once ive reminded him a few times. compared to the western men ive dated anyway.

[beautifulthailand99]

I totally agree about explaining to him exactly what to do step by step for some situations. I had the same talk with my husband about putting his arm around me if I'm feeling down. I also told him to say "It will be alright". It baffled him, he asked how could he say that if he didn't know the future. I told him it didn't matter, I just needed to hear it. He said, "But what if I am wrong?!". He still doesn't get it.

I'm also finding it difficult to talk about the relationship. He takes everything very personally so he gets upset if he thinks I'm saying he is doing something wrong. He didn't have much lady experience before we met so he's pretty much clueless about all women. He's never lived outside of Thailand so only gets western culture from movies and tv. The biggest thing that helps me is when we are watching a movie or show and I see the guy on screen do something nice, like give his gf a hug when she is crying instead of running and hiding or squeezing her hand under the dinner table, I point it out to him and say "I like that". Sometimes we rewind it so he can see it again and I can explain what/why he should do. There is no blame involved so it works for him. I've found it's much easier to tell him what to do to make me happy than tell him what he is doing wrong.

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Sounds like you have a good training programme in place - my wife is Thai and sort of does the same after 10 years of marriage she has her husband remote control which works most of the time and her voice in my head when Im considering doing something wrong. Men are like dogs in many respects - we can be loyal, faithful, affectionate and like pats on our head (maybe not with a Thai man though !) and told we are handsome etc etc and we will come running and fetch your bones and things. That said we also can have all the bad traits as well - kind words and understanding go a long way in any relationship. Good luck hope it all works out.

[heatherm]

Ha, I've trained all sorts of animals for TV and commercials, even a couple movies. I've worked with dogs, cats, horses, chickens, rats, goats, and hawks. Men are pretty easy compared to cats.

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[fvdv]

Ha, I've trained all sorts of animals for TV and commercials, even a couple movies. I've worked with dogs, cats, horses, chickens, rats, goats, and hawks. Men are pretty easy compared to cats.

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Verry funny))) nice sense of humor

[heatherm]

I'm good with kids, too, but most moms don't want to hear that my knowledge comes from the top rat trainer in Chicago.

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[sbk]

I'm good with kids, too, but most moms don't want to hear that my knowledge comes from the top rat trainer in Chicago.

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lol

[sunspun]

yes! ive totally done that before - he's not big on romantic surprises and he got me some jewelry as a christmas present and was so excited he came straight home (1 month b4 christmas) and gave it to me, so i had to explain how nice it is to have a surprise on christmas day... these days when he says "i have a surprise for you!" i have to repeatedly remind him not to tell me what it is lol.

haha i read this to my husband and he thought it was hilarious because he does exactly the same thing! he doesn't understand birthday and christmas presents lol

[Boo]

Post removed. fyi I find men wanting to know the size of other mens manhood a bit questionable. If you are considering a a sexual encounter with a thai man then the ladies section on thaivisa isn't the place to find out information. m'kay.

[fletchsmile]

Post removed. fyi I find men wanting to know the size of other mens manhood a bit questionable. If you are considering a a sexual encounter with a thai man then the ladies section on thaivisa isn't the place to find out information. m'kay.

[sarab00n]

Post removed. fyi I find men wanting to know the size of other mens manhood a bit questionable. If you are considering a a sexual encounter with a thai man then the ladies section on thaivisa isn't the place to find out information. m'kay.

lol did someone take my innocent post into the gutter?

[Lucie]

I have lived in Thailand for 17 years, and been married to a Thai man for 9, and believe it or not, this is the first time that I've looked at the Thaivisa "Ladies in Thailand" section!

I have now looked at a few forum discussions, and am amazed by how many women there are married to Thai men! I'm also amazed how many of them are doing what I've done and immersing themselves in rural Thai culture. I feel for you people who are just starting out in the relationship, as I know how baffling it can be. My husband and I have had all sorts of ups and downs over the years, and we still have to work very hard to keep the marriage working. I was amused to read people's tales of 'teaching' their husbands about showing emotions and that they care! I have to say, with us it's got to the point where I accept that he won't spot these things for himself, and if I have to tell him to do it then it takes the meaning out of it.

He, of course, has had to accept that I will go out at night occasionally, even well into a marriage with kids, and that the people I go out with are usually a group of men (women are thin on the ground here). He has also had to accept that he won't get a cooked breakfast from me!

Sometimes I wonder what the relationship would be like if we were both from the same culture. We will probably never be as close as we would be in that situation - we lack a shared cultural history - for example little things like being able to laugh at references to childhood games and TV programmes, or "in" jokes from years back in the pub... but that's OK. I think the hardest thing about that is that we both have to accept that we will get that camaraderie from other people instead; that I will always laugh hardest with my friends, and he with his. It's harder for him, as my friends are male...

In recent years, bringing up kids in a society very different from my own, and teaching in a school very different from my idea of what a school should be, I have become quite negative about many aspects of Thai society, and this of course has had an affect on my marriage. After all, this society I sometimes bitch about is his! I think it's very important for Western women (and men) to adapt their lifestyle and expectations to fit with the local culture, but it's also important to make our Thai partners aware from very early on that we will NOT ever be completely Thai, that sometimes our ideas will contradict his and society's, and that sometimes we will not play the part of dutiful wife. I think I got to the stage where I was losing who I really was in order to fit in, and at that point I backed off and told myself and my husband that I needed to do certain things my way, not because I didn't understand the Thai way, but because I had decided that my way works better for me!

One note of caution that's already been touched on: if you have children, there's a very high chance that your Thai in-laws will try to 'teach' you how to look after them from day 1. It seems to be the case that there's not really room for individual parenting style. "You haven't had kids before, so you don't know how to do it. I do. I'll teach you." Please ladies, resist this! Use your instinct for parenting, and adopt whichever Thai ways, habits and methods you like, rather than letting yourself get swept up in it. It took a few years for my mother in law to accept that I knew what I was doing - once she saw that my 3-year-old son was healthy, happy and smart - then she stopped hassling me about my parenting habits!

Sorry, a very long post. I just wanted to add my own ideas so those new to the whole idea could get a variety of viewpoints!

[sarab00n]

<p>

but it's also important to make our Thai partners aware from very early on that we will NOT ever be completely Thai, that sometimes our ideas will contradict his and society's, and that sometimes we will not play the part of dutiful wife.

I remember getting weepy in public while i was pregnant and my husband shushing me cus you're not supposed to lose face in public here and i think i snapped at him "I'm not Thai! I'm western and we can cry if we want to!"Theres alot of things about the culture here that upset me sometimes and its hard for him to understand that - i think speaking the language makes it harder because i understand all the things that are being said. Like "oh thats a fat baby (about my son), he's fat like his mum,"... erm, thanks... and "look, look there is a farang woman with a thai man... come and see this! he's dark skinned and ugly, why is she with him!" this bothers me sometimes and i like to give them a sign that i can understand them.

im lucky with the in-laws, they kept their distance after they realized my husbands farang wife wasn't going to be showering them with gifts. its the people we meet everyday who seem to have their opinion, but i just ask them - "oh, how many children have you raised?" and its hilarious when the answer is 'none'. I once asked my husband why a close thai friend of ours was telling me that literally everything i did with the baby was wrong and was going to make him ill, and he just explained its a twisted sign of affection that they care and want to help...

[Lucie]

I remember getting weepy in public while i was pregnant and my husband shushing me cus you're not supposed to lose face in public here and i think i snapped at him "I'm not Thai! I'm western and we can cry if we want to!"Theres alot of things about the culture here that upset me sometimes and its hard for him to understand that - i think speaking the language makes it harder because i understand all the things that are being said. Like "oh thats a fat baby (about my son), he's fat like his mum,"... erm, thanks... and "look, look there is a farang woman with a thai man... come and see this! he's dark skinned and ugly, why is she with him!" this bothers me sometimes and i like to give them a sign that i can understand them.

im lucky with the in-laws, they kept their distance after they realized my husbands farang wife wasn't going to be showering them with gifts. its the people we meet everyday who seem to have their opinion, but i just ask them - "oh, how many children have you raised?" and its hilarious when the answer is 'none'. I once asked my husband why a close thai friend of ours was telling me that literally everything i did with the baby was wrong and was going to make him ill, and he just explained its a twisted sign of affection that they care and want to help...

I'm always torn between 2 responses: letting people know I understand their comments, and therefore either making them feel bad, or getting into a lengthy (and oft repeated) conversation about how I learned Thai, where I met my husband, etc. OR pretending I can't hear, to avoid said conversation and perhaps hear something interesting!

My mother in law was all over me at the start. Then there were a couple of incidences where the family needed money (to pay off gambling debts, in one case) and I declined to help (I wasn't really in a position to help). Then they stopped being so friendly. They're fine, though. We understand each other well enough now.

[sbk]

I married up. In laws have never asked for money, certainly don't need it. PIA brother in law has on occasion but he knows its going to be rejected by my husband anyway. (every family has one) His family knows I am not rich and don't particularly care. I work hard and help out when needed and that is good enough.

[cgphuket]

Interesting Post. Since Western women like to look down on Western men with Thai wives, just wondering if Western women with Thai husbands feel any of the same judgment?

[sbk]

Interesting Post. Since Western women like to look down on Western men with Thai wives, just wondering if Western women with Thai husbands feel any of the same judgment?

Whereever did you get that idea? My you do seem to like your stereotypes. So let me remind you of something. This is the Ladies forum. Mind your manners.

[Boo]

Interesting Post. Since Western women like to look down on Western men with Thai wives, just wondering if Western women with Thai husbands feel any of the same judgment?

Hey I saw this & thought of you.

[fletchsmile]

I have lived in Thailand for 17 years, and been married to a Thai man for 9, and believe it or not, this is the first time that I've looked at the Thaivisa "Ladies in Thailand" section!

I have now looked at a few forum discussions, and am amazed by how many women there are married to Thai men! I'm also amazed how many of them are doing what I've done and immersing themselves in rural Thai culture. I feel for you people who are just starting out in the relationship, as I know how baffling it can be. My husband and I have had all sorts of ups and downs over the years, and we still have to work very hard to keep the marriage working. I was amused to read people's tales of 'teaching' their husbands about showing emotions and that they care! I have to say, with us it's got to the point where I accept that he won't spot these things for himself, and if I have to tell him to do it then it takes the meaning out of it.

He, of course, has had to accept that I will go out at night occasionally, even well into a marriage with kids, and that the people I go out with are usually a group of men (women are thin on the ground here). He has also had to accept that he won't get a cooked breakfast from me!

Sometimes I wonder what the relationship would be like if we were both from the same culture. We will probably never be as close as we would be in that situation - we lack a shared cultural history - for example little things like being able to laugh at references to childhood games and TV programmes, or "in" jokes from years back in the pub... but that's OK. I think the hardest thing about that is that we both have to accept that we will get that camaraderie from other people instead; that I will always laugh hardest with my friends, and he with his. It's harder for him, as my friends are male...

In recent years, bringing up kids in a society very different from my own, and teaching in a school very different from my idea of what a school should be, I have become quite negative about many aspects of Thai society, and this of course has had an affect on my marriage. After all, this society I sometimes bitch about is his! I think it's very important for Western women (and men) to adapt their lifestyle and expectations to fit with the local culture, but it's also important to make our Thai partners aware from very early on that we will NOT ever be completely Thai, that sometimes our ideas will contradict his and society's, and that sometimes we will not play the part of dutiful wife. I think I got to the stage where I was losing who I really was in order to fit in, and at that point I backed off and told myself and my husband that I needed to do certain things my way, not because I didn't understand the Thai way, but because I had decided that my way works better for me!

One note of caution that's already been touched on: if you have children, there's a very high chance that your Thai in-laws will try to 'teach' you how to look after them from day 1. It seems to be the case that there's not really room for individual parenting style. "You haven't had kids before, so you don't know how to do it. I do. I'll teach you." Please ladies, resist this! Use your instinct for parenting, and adopt whichever Thai ways, habits and methods you like, rather than letting yourself get swept up in it. It took a few years for my mother in law to accept that I knew what I was doing - once she saw that my 3-year-old son was healthy, happy and smart - then she stopped hassling me about my parenting habits!

Sorry, a very long post. I just wanted to add my own ideas so those new to the whole idea could get a variety of viewpoints!

Nice post

[bina]

hahahah..

i just had my 50 birthday. now, we arent big on birth days, husband not at all (doesn remember his own, etc), i never have been really big on them either (cant remember my kids' exact dates).... but......50 is 50...

it also fell on the owrse month of the year, december: car insurance, car test, car gov't payment thingy (not sure in englsih what it is), rent on kibbutz went up , hanuka presents,renewing his visa and stuff, all lots of shekels, so a debt filled month. whatever... so we had decided that, ok, no big bash. BUT i did tell him that i expected a present htis time round (other years, i would buy both of us our birthday/re newed visa presents: lilee the puppy a few years ago, an overnite trip, whtaever. i was in charge of the plan and purchase. he of course wasnt please with this mission: he said: choose something and buy it. i said: no. he said: buat hua (its a headache). i said: ask the guys at work , they also feel the same way. so i said: you know what i like... and then i gave him a verbal list of ideas.

THEN i saw him on the phone a lot more then usual, so thought, uh oh, mia noi? (he had asked but not received permision from me about a year ago, nuther story)but lo and behold: he managed to arrange a surprise sushi and thai bbq party including friends and all three of my kids, and got me a perfect pair of earrings (even the visa lady in immigration thought they were perfect for me...) so it proves that u have to sometimes be very specific. after all, in his village, he never had a girlfreind, he didnt do the dating scene, his family never gives presents, not having money, so giving food is equivalent to love. giving cash is also. presents are seen as a waste of time really.

however, we still argue a lot ; he claims i nag. i think im jsut being verbal. he doesnt understand why i have to discuss with him, dont i havfe women friends.? i say, what is a husband for? he says, to take care when u are old. i say, i want to sit and discuss stuff with my husband now. he says, 'im tired, ive worked 12 hours, we'll talk in bed. meaning, exchange a few words and then sleep.

going thru all the hormonal stuff of menopause was the worst, (that was last years' difficultuy) cause he's never heard of that before (anxiety attacks, clinginess, mood swings, tears...).now his hours are very long, we are having the usual money difficulties, so idecided to develop hobbies (which i had neglected all thses years due to working long hours).

guess what? im raising chickens ... and so is he. i have layers. he has thai fighting chickens . i bought him an incubator for his birthday, so now we have lots of chirpy babies , we went thru the hatching process together every evening (look, its coming out of the egg!! etc)... i go to help him with his chickens *normally he and his mates do this*, and both of us play with the chicks... so it gives us something to do together w/o a lot of words.

good idea about teaching him to do stuff like using comfort words, or actions.

we still fight over the fact that a husband's place on weekends is with his wife and not sleeping over with the mates (unless its after drinking, he already has one citation for beers and driving); he says that i hold on too tight.

i know that his role model is his hunter father who goes off and rocks up every few weeks. ij also indepandent but there is a limit. so now, we have one weekend a month when im not working, and he's not off doing all his sideline work/mates, and i choose what to do. if i leave it to him, we';ll spend all day at home do ing nothing. im sure he has no role models, all the men in the village hang out with the men, while the women are with the women. he constantly tells me: im with u every nite, not out being a butterfly, so im sure that what they are taught is a good husband is one that is present physically in the house, provides food, shelter, money and help fixing stuff when needed. emotional support is not in the instruction manual in the village. i think that emotional introspection is turned off in the village educational system also...

a woman here once said to me: her idea of having a thai husband (this is her second one) is ": to be with and feel without -- like a bra commercial states... u have it on but dont feel it .